Divorce Support

In the The Good Karma Divorce, Judge Michele Lowrance, a domestic relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois, wrote "The court system was not built to house emotions, and attorneys are not trained to reduce emotional suffering.  Divorcing people expect relief far beyond what the legal realm can provide from their attorneys and the courts, and they often end up feeling like members of a powerless, unprotected class."

I fully agree with Judge Lowrance. Divorce attorneys are trained to solve problems for their clients. That is all well and fine except for the fact that their client is not the only person affected by the divorce.

Divorce is the dismantling of a family. Mother, father and children and that dismantling process is extremely painful and stressful. In such a situation it only makes sense that the focus should be on resolving conflict in a way that doesn't inflict more pain. Divorce attorneys are notorious for creating conflict in order to "win" the case for their client.

What ends up happening is, the client, the ex and the children all suffer more deeply and emotionally and the divorce attorney benefits financially.

Therapists are trained to solve problems in a way that is in the best interest of all involved. An understanding of the psychological aspects of divorce could go a long way in resolving not only the legal but the emotional aspects of divorce.

Law schools focus on the legal aspects of divorce alone. And don't seem interested in encouraging students to show empathy or even a small amount of concern for the entire family maybe the ABA should consider the benefits of having divorce attorneys and therapists build practices together.

Or, better yet, instead of waiting around for the ABA to become proactive in making the divorce process less emotionally painful you could choose to go the route of a Collaborative Divorce.

I receive heart breaking emails regularly from women who's husbands file for divorce out of the blue. Women who were happy in their marriage and assumed their husband was happy. The most devastating thing we can do to a marital relationship is assume there are no problems based on our feelings alone.

It is easy to become complacent or assume that all is well in a marriage when in reality your husband is hiding his true feelings. Before you know it you find yourself in a situation where he has one foot out the door and you are scrambling to fix problems that may not have solutions.

To keep your marriage out of divorce court it is important that you stay aware of not only your feelings about the marriage but your husband's feelings also. Nothing, especially when it comes to marriage should be taken for granted. You should "check in" periodically, take an inventory of sorts just to be sure you and your husband are on the same page.

The National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green University released a study earlier this year documenting the increasing rate of divorce among couples age 50 and older. Between 1990 and 2009 the rate of divorce for couples over age 50 more than doubled, and in 2009 this age group accounted for roughly 1 out of every 4 divorces nationwide.

Below are a few factors that may contribute to Boomers divorcing at such a high rate.

• Folks are living longer which means if they divorce in their fifties there is the likelihood of a few more decades to rebuilt after the divorce and start a new life.

• Some wait until the children are grown and living on their own before leaving a marriage that has been unhappy for a long time.

• Boomer women are more educated and less financially dependent on their husbands. This frees them up to leave an unhappy marriage without the fear of financial repercussions.

• Us boomers came up during the sexual revolution and the beginning of "no-fault" divorce laws. We are more comfortable than any other generation with the idea of divorce so it makes sense that we are divorcing more often.

Under a new law signed on April 12th by Gov. Tom Corbett, a service member who is being deployed abroad may petition the court for a temporary order to assign child custody rights to his or family members. The law says that formal or informal custody agreements can't be changed or ignored if a service member who is deployed has family who wish to take over his/her custody rights during deployment.

The law does not give a family member formal custody, just the same rights of visitation that was agreed upon before the service member was deployed. Senator Lisa Baker introduced the bill that became law because grandparents were being denied time with grandchildren during the parent's deployment.

Kudos to Pennsylvania! When you consider the benefit to children of spending time with extended family, benefits such as a better sense of who they are and where they come from. Not to mention a sense of continuity in the absence of a parent Pennsylvania has taken a step that is truly in the "best interest of the child."

A University of Cambridge study released in February 2011 found that upbeat teens were more likely to divorce than their less-happy peers. Researchers used data from 2,776 teens ages 13-15 who participated in a  1946 British cohort study,hh in which their teachers rated their happiness levels at the time.

The researchers conducted this study longitudinally and visited those same individuals at other points in their lives specifically at ages 36, 43, and 53 and evaluated their incidence of mental disorder, life satisfaction, and social lives -- including divorce. Lo and behold and much to the surprise of everyone the teens who were the happiest in adolescence were more likely to divorce at a higher rate (20.4 %) than the other, less-happy study participants.

Researchers explained that happy children grow up to have strong self-esteem and self-efficacy and are more willing to end unhappy and unhealthy marriages.  On the other had, Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, led a team of researchers that investigated the connections between life success, well-being and desirable personal characteristics.

According to Ms. Lyubomirsky, "Happy individuals are more likely than their less happy peers to have fulfilling marriages and relationships, high incomes, superior work performance, community involvement, robust health and even a long life."

What's my theory? I'm not sure that marital success can be based on how happy you were as a child. What determines marital success is a person's definition of happiness, their ability to solve marital problems and the realization that there is no such thing as a "happy marriage." In other words, go into marriage with realistic expectations and you're more likely to succeed at marriage.

Do you believe in Karma? Or maybe you believe, like some Christians that if you victimize others to get what you want you will eventually become the victim. If it is possible for someone to "reap" what they sow, then I think John Edwards is dealing with a plentiful harvest at the moment.

Edwards is accused of accepting more than $900,000 from benefactors to pay for expenses of his mistress, Rielle Hunter and hide the affair from his wife and children. He is now on trial for charges that he violated campaign finance laws and could face up to 30 years in prison.

Personally I think 30 years is a bit much. I also believe that John Edward's biggest violation was the one against his family, not what he did or didn't do with campaign funds.  And I'm certain that Elizabeth Edwards made him pay for his moral shortcomings before she passed away.

Could be though that there really is such a thing as Karma and in the end, the universe will decide how much evil falls on those who sow evil. If that is the case we should all pause and consider our actions before putting our needs before the needs and well-fair of others. Especially if your need is another man/woman.

Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. To help folks understand what Parental Alienation is, it is important they are "aware" of the difference between healthy parental behavior and alienating parental behavior. I can think of no better way of bringing that awareness to my readers than sharing a bit of my Parental Alienation story.

My ex views our children as objects meant to satisfy his wants and needs. His wants and needs can't be satisfied if his children also have a relationship with me, their mother. Since the day we separated his relationship with his children has been determined by how little of a relationship they have with me. When they have a relationship with me, he withholds his love and respect from them. He takes away their right to the security that comes along with two loving parents.

He was estranged from his children for six years. He became angry and they paid by doing without his love and affection. They wrote expressing a desire to see him, he responded by telling them they knew where he was and were welcome in his home at any time. In other words, "you want a relationship with me you are going to have to do all the work." When asked why he had no relationship with his children he told people, "it is what it is."

After six years of estrangement he was reunited with his younger son who had become ill. My ex rode in like a white knight to save the day and off he went with his son. I was fine with this, if the child needed anything, he needed his father and I'm all about what my child needs.

Within a few days of living in his father's home the alienation began. It was agreed that I would call my child twice a week to talk and he would call me when the need or desire came up. One day I called my ex's home and his wife answered. I was told that my child wasn't home. I asked the new wife how he was doing, was reassured that he was "great" and that she would tell him I had called.

I felt good about the conversation. It had been civil, I had expressed my appreciation to her for caring about my child and being good to him. Finally, I thought, we are on the right track. This is about the child, not about the ex or me.

Later that night I received an email from my ex. He told me that I was to NEVER call his home phone number again. That his wife was not interested in talking to me and that he had given our child strict instructions to NEVER answer the home phone. There went my hopes of having a good co-parenting relationship!

My son had a cell phone that I was paying for. Within a couple of weeks my ex had set him up with a new cell phone and told him not to share the number with his mother or her relatives. He was also not allowed to communicate with friends he had, had since grade school. He was told that if he communicated with anyone in my area code that his phone and car would be taken away from him.

What better way to manipulate a teen into doing what you want than threatening to withhold his car? My ex knew what he wanted and exactly how to get it regardless of the discomfort it caused his son. His actions told his son, "if you love your mother, I will not love you."

My son was out of touch for nine months. I had no contact with him. My ex refused to follow the custody order and send me information about school activities and medical issues. My son was hospitalized for a week during his time with his father. I was not notified nor given the opportunity to discuss an ongoing medical issue with doctor's treating my son.

Shortly after my son turned 18 he returned home. He was legally an "adult" and able to take control over his own life. He left his father's home and has not spoken to him since. Not because he doesn't want to talk to his father. He would give anything to have a relationship with him. His father doesn't answer his calls. His father doesn't respond to voice mails or emails. His father is once again withholding his love and attention because my son didn't not chose his father over his mother.

That is Parental Alienation. One parent consistently working to cause a rift between the child and the other parent. Some feel the focus of alienation should be on the damage done to the parent who is being alienated. I believe the focus should be on the child who is being encouraged to feel anger toward a parent. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional abuse that is being perpetuated on many, many children of divorce.

Recent studies show that an alienated child's brain is physically altered by such an experience. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging and has lifelong consequences.  Add to the mix a parent who withholds a relationship to the mix and what kind of life can a child be expected to live?

My son not only suffered the damage done by his father's attempt to alienate me, he has suffered the deprivation that comes along with the loss of his father's love. How does a child overcome such deprivation? Love is the deepest need of all human beings, and the withdrawal of it is the worst punishment that one person can impose on another.

If you are guilty of Parental Alienation please be aware of the fact that you are punishing your child by refusing to allow them the most basic of human needs, love. My son deserved better than he got from his father. Every child, by right of birth has earned the love of both parents. Be a healthy parent and encourage a loving relationship between your child and his/her other parent. Do it for your child's sake!

Americans' well-being differs greatly by marital status, according to data from the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index. Americans who are married have the highest levels of well-being (68.8), while those who are divorced (59.7) and, in particular, those who are separated experience the lowest levels of well-being (55.9).

The fact that divorce often means less health, happiness and prosperity is not news. A study released in 2008 found that divorced folks suffer 20 percent more chronic health conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, than individuals who were currently married.

Is it divorce and separation that causes the loss of well-being? Is it the way we deal with divorce and separation? Are we just naturally healthier, happier and more prosperous when married? According to the study a person's marital status does impact their well-being.

Since divorce is inevitable for some, such studies highlight more urgently the need for us to take care of ourselves before, during and after divorce. Based on the fact that divorce impacts our lives negatively below are a few suggestions that will keep you from falling victim to such statistics.

• Deal appropriately with the emotional stress of divorce.
• Get your financial ducks in a row before filing for divorce.
• Maintain a healthy lifestyle before, during and after divorce.
• Be a responsible parent and take care of your children's needs.
• Don't allow toxic anger to muddy the waters.

Earlier this year, Heather Armstrong, who writes the wildly popular mommy blog Dooce with her husband Jon, announced that they would be separating. Last week, Maxwell and Sara Kate Gillingham-Ryan of Apartment Therapy divulged their separation after nearly 10 years of marriage. In the case of the Armstrongs, Jon left the business; the Gillingham-Ryans have not yet revealed any changes to Apartment Therapy.

More and more we are hearing about popular bloggers divorcing and writing about the experience of divorce. Blogging has become a popular outlet for not only venting but sharing experiences with others. When done correctly blogging can have many benefits.

1. You can engage in real-time discussion with your readers who are living a similar experience.

2. Blogging gives you the opportunity to vent when frustrated and stressed. Although I do warn anyone considering blogging their divorce to keep yourself anonymous and not openly share personal information about your ex.

3. Engaging with like-minded people can mean getting good advice and you don't have to burden other people with your problems. Friends and family will expect you to "move on" a lot quicker than you actually will. Other bloggers you connect with will understand your need to continue to talk about certain aspects of your divorce.

4. You aren't only limited to the subject of divorce. Being a single mom or dad means raising children on your own. In general you will deal alone with things you used to deal with as a couple. Blogging is a way of gaining support when dealing with parenting issues, a leaking faucet or whatever stressful situation pops up. It is an opportunity to build a support system when your real life support system is unavailable.

The benefits are numerous. Just ask a couple of my favorite divorce bloggers, The Perils of Divorced Pauline or William Quincy Belle. And should you decide to blog your divorce be sure to come back and share the URL of your blog with our readers.

Interesting article over at the Huffington Post divorce section. Laura Campbell, divorce coach and expert shares her belief that initiating a divorce is just as painful as being the one left behind by the initiator. According to Ms. Campbell, " it is no easier for the "initiator" to move forward after divorce and create a new and extraordinary life than it is for the spouse that didn't initiate."

When I read the article my first thought was, "I'd hate to be the man she left behind."  I know nothing about her ex-husband because the article was about her and her beliefs. There was no mention of him and how he has coped since the divorce.  I have found dismissal of the ex common in most who initiate divorce. They spend a lot of time thinking about their own pain and little thinking about or concerned with the pain of the non-initiator.

I would like to share my beliefs and in doing so give Ms. Campbell something to think about. Every divorce situation is unique and for that reason there are many, many situations in which the initiator of the divorce will suffer less pain, stress and financial hardship post divorce than the initiator.

A few examples of what I'm talking about:

1. The man leaves his faithful and loving wife for a younger woman. His wife is left alone to rebuild her life while her ex is off finding comfort from the pain of divorce in another woman's arms. Don't tell me the left behind wife won't suffer exponentially more pain than the initiator of that divorce.

2. The husband is divorced by a wife who has found herself "unhappy" in an otherwise low-conflict marriage. Due to her desire to divorce he becomes a visitor in his own children's lives. More than likely he is removed from the family home, a home he has worked and put energy into building for himself and his family. To say that his loss and pain due to the divorce is equal to the pain of the ex-wife who remains a full time mother in the family home is to be out of touch with the human condition. It is the height of human ignorance.

One comment left on Ms. Campbell's post said it better than I can.

"In the end the initiator gets to have some measure of control, something that can make the other person feel powerless in many cases. It becomes something you choose instead of something that happened to you. You are deciding the fate of two people (or more with kids) while your soon to be ex is stuck going along for the ride. While it is a burden to make that decision and obviously a tough one, it still means you took control of something in your life. The other person has to live with your decision whether they agree or not."

Special attention should be paid to the pain and stress experienced by the left behind spouse by the initiator of a divorce. None of us, regardless of how we end up divorced should live life as victims BUT when you hand someone a divorce they don't want the only decent thing to do is accept that you are causing pain and show concern and empathy for the one who didn't want the divorce.

You may have found it painful to come to the decision to divorce, I'll give anyone in that situation that much. Until you've been on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce you have no authority when it comes to telling others your pain is equal to the pain of the one you left behind.