Withholding Sex as a Form of Punishment
Seven years of withholding sex went too far in the eyes of an Italian court, which has ordered a Sicilian man to pay alimony to his wife for refusing conjugal relations.
The man, whose name was given only as Francesco, decided to punish his wife Piera after she opposed him in a family argument - a punishment that lasted seven years.
The highest Italian appeals court called the man's actions - or rather, inactions - an "offence to her dignity" and said it constituted grounds for separation.
The court also ordered him to pay alimony to his now former wife and their children, born when their marriage saw happier times, and carry the legal costs of the case.
"The refusal to have sexual and affectionate relations over seven years with his wife constitutes a very serious offence to her dignity and has caused frustration with serious consequences for her psychological equilibrium," the court judgment stated.
Withholding sex seems to be a common method of punishing a spouse. We've all heard about the wife who gets mad and sleeps on the couch or turns her back to her husband in bed. Somewhere down the line we learned that cutting our spouses off sexually was an acceptable way of expressing our anger. In my opinion, to do so is a type of abuse...sexual abuse and emotional abuse.
We all need to have boundaries, limits on behaviors we will not accept from our spouse. There are far more productive ways of setting boundaries and expressing our anger than cutting our spouse off from the very thing that bonds us together intimately. Next time you contemplate pulling a Francesco, stop and think. Do you really want to send the person you love the message that you don't desire them sexually?
Comments
I have been sleeping on the couch for over a year. I don’t consider it a form of abuse – the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl. Our marriage is dead. There are several issues but the one that drove me to the couch is the fact that over the last 2 years there have been 2 specialists say that he needs to smoke outside because the smoke is hurting me – he refused. I simply cannot be around the smoke and I resent him very much for putting his habit ahead of my health – to me, THAT is abuse.
MCK, I don’t understand how you sleeping on the couch is solving the problems you have in your marriage. It certainly isn’t solving the problem of second hand smoke. Cutting him off sexual doesn’t take care of that issue if you are still living in the same home with him and he is still smoking in the home.
What you are doing is playing a game of “tit for tat.” He resents you so he refused to stop smoking in the house. You resent him so you have cut him off sexually. You are both playing the role of the victim and if you have been on the couch for over a year it sounds as if you are both stuck in the victim role.
It’s sad when marriage gets to the point that all it is, is two adults trying to punish each other. Instead of helping each other through life, you are now working against each other.
The marriage isn’t dead. If it were you would be long gone. Not hanging around engaging in a power struggle.
I don’t think anybody should withold sex unless it’s because of a health concern. If Your that miserable with someone, than you shouldn’t be with them, because all your going to do is push them away, and if your not careful they may find it elsewhere. Why shouldn’t they, your using lack of sex as a sort of revenge, they may see it as I can seek revenge too, I mean why shouldn’t I – your doing it to me.
Your analysis sounded dead on until I read your advice – pack your bags and get out. When you have kids, that is a very unpalatable option. No sex is better than losing your children.
I’ve been in a nearly 2 year relationship with my boyfriend. We haven’t had sex in over 6 months. He is 39 years old, has a stressful job in the military and he says that he is very stressed, tired and he sleeps for long hours at a time. He drinks alot and previously used to joke about taking Viagra, Watching a porno flick and drinking a cold one in the past. I’ve never experienced anything like this. I love him, However I also have lots of love for me too. Any advice?
Lana, my ex was a military guy with a “stressful” job who was tired all the time also.
He had time for pornos and masturbation but no time for an intimate relationship with his spouse.
You have a decision to make. If you stay in the relationship he isn’t going to change. He won’t wake up one day unable to keep his hands off of you. The sex life you have now is the one you will always have. Miracles rarely happen and in your situation it would probably take a miracle.
If you can accept things as they are now and be happy with a sporadic sex life then continue on with the relationship.
If, however you need and want more you should think seriously about whether or not you belong in this relationship.
The sexual rejection will eventually chip away at the love you have for yourself if you aren’t careful.
I just ended a 2-year relationship with my boyfriend (he dumped ME). We has sex no more than 6 times (all in the first 6 mos.) For a year and a half I was begging him to have sex with me. And when I asked (ever so nicely) he would say, “Well if you keep asking, you know it’s not going to happen” What the heck? I have never felt so unattractive, so unwanted, there is nothing worse than loving someone and being shot down constantly. He was manic-depressive and receiving treatment during the entire relationship; he was able to acheive an erection and was capable of sex for the first 6 mos and his treatment never changed, nor was his personality affected. He just didn’t want to do anything -he didn’t work a single day we were together, had no goals, and he’s 35. I was patient and supportive, I believed in him, and never pushed the issue (I’d suggest sex once every month or so), but in the end he dumped me b/c “he still doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life”. I guess I’m better off b/c we didn’t have kids, wanting your partner to desire you and show the same affection is not to much to ask, the need for physical contact is a basic need. (Sorry for the long rant, but this just happened and I’m PISSED)
I have to say that I am very disappointed in the man that I married. Greg Stewart and I have been together for one year. Greg makes every attempt to avoid having sex with me. I am beginning to think that he may be gay. He is a Marine and very manly acting, so in the beginning I had no reason to suspect that he was gay. We have not consumated our marriage and we have not gone on our honeymoon. He makes excuses not to. I have confronted Greg about me suspecting that he is gay, but he just gets angry and says that he is not. Something is wrong, a man does not marry a woman and refuse to have sex with her. I am very hurt and I want out of this relationship.
I’m tired of initiating, tired of rejection and tired of once a month at best. I’m tired of all the excuses. The reality, women get married thinking every wish they had will come true.Sex becomes the bargaining chip, get her a gift, spend the money and sex might happen. Deal wioth the reality that college for kids means less for us and sex goes out the window.
Women complain “all the good men are taken” they read their romance novels and really think this is what life should be. Sex is inigral in a marriage, it is the intimacy that defines that one couple. Any wonder women are the ones to initate divorce most often. It;s not allare abused or their husbands are unfaithful, its their living in a fantasy and seeking still to find it.
MCK says:
I have been sleeping on the couch for over a year. I don’t consider it a form of abuse – the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl. Our marriage is dead. There are several issues but the one that drove me to the couch is the fact that over the last 2 years there have been 2 specialists say that he needs to smoke outside because the smoke is hurting me – he refused. I simply cannot be around the smoke and I resent him very much for putting his habit ahead of my health – to me, THAT is abuse.
***I think is time for the 2 of you to go your own seperate ways. I always smoke outside simply becasue it stincts. A burnt cigarette smells horrible.
My husband as withheld sex from me for 14 years. I don’t miss the sex from him. I threaten and he knows that I have lovers which keeps me sane. It was the first five years of him letting me believe I was unattractive and dumb. I’m still suffering from that. I’ve been afraid to find a job for fear of failure. My self esteem is shot. But there is a part of me that feels the only revenge is that he has to take care of me. He claims that his not wanting sex is just fine. I think he is having sex with men. I can and won’t compete with that.