The Feminine Mistake
”Arguments in favor of stay-at-home motherhood fail to consider the dangers of dependency and the difficulty of reentering the workforce after opting out. When women sacrifice their financial autonomy by quitting their jobs, they become vulnerable to divorce as well as the potential illness, death, or unemployment of their breadwinner husbands.”
Google The Feminine Mistake and you will find dozens of blogs and websites related to women’s issues, all of them discussing Leslie Bennetts and her theories about working women vs. stay at home mothers. It seems she has hit a nerve with women who feel that staying at home with their children is more important than maintaining a career and financial independence.
According to Ms. Bennetts, “The only way women in the modern world in a Western society can protect themselves and their children’s future is to earn a living,” There was a time that I would have disagreed with the author. That all changed when my ex decided he could no longer stay in the marriage. When he made that decision he was able to walk away from the family with 82% of our income.
Divorce for my ex was emotionally devastating. Divorce for my children and I was emotionally and financially devastating. Negative emotions are easier to deal with when you aren’t also worried about where the money for new school clothes is going to come from.
Even if you are a working mother, we still live in a society where the man is the main financial contributor to the family. Statistics show that a woman’s economic lifestyle drops by 27% in the first year after divorce. Based on the high rate of divorce in our country and what I went through during and after my divorce I’ve adopted the opinion that the biggest disservice a mother can do to herself and her children is be a stay at home mom.
It is an idea that has become antiquated and outdated due to the fact that divorce is so easily obtained and changing attitudes about the importance of keeping families intact. If I had a daughter, I would encourage her to get an education, build a career and maintain it. There was a time when staying at home with your children was the best thing you could do for them. That time has come and gone. Today the worst thing women in our country can do is become financially dependent on their husband. She is putting herself and her children in harms way should she ever face a divorce.
I was a naive stay-at-home mom but did find part-time work when my younger son entered elementary school, and I developed career skills that were invaluable when my divorce hit. I was able to maintain a comfortable lifestyle by obtaining good employment. I had completed my college degree in the meantime, the kids grew up and left the nest, and then it was my turn. My divorce was my choice when I knew I could support myself adequately.
I am 50 this year and was a stay at home mom with all four of my kids. After second marriage of 18 years ended in divorce recently, I realized how victimized we become if we choose to forego any continuous type of employment so we can do the most vital job of all, raise human beings to be self sufficient, loving respectful members of society. We are “punished” if we stay at home but it is and shall remain the best choice for the children, who didn’t ask to be here in the first place!
I am of the strong belief that a woman needs to take classes toward a degree or certification during the marriage and work part time to keep her feet wet.
I found it difficult to find a position that paid anything that would keep my kids and I afloat because I had been out of the work force for so long. That was every employer’s justification for their low-wage offer to me.
SO MANY OF MY PEERS HAVE HAD THEIR MULTI-YEAR MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE AND FOUND THEMSELVES IN THE SAME POSITION. Until there is a cure for a male mid-life crisis, it will continue to plague us as women and we will always be the sole caretaker of the kids whether a father is in or out of the picture.
I’m wiser, not bitter. These lessons need to be passed along to your daughters as I have done with mine.
It is not a mistake to put yourself in the position of a fulltime mom, although it is a mistake to discontinue your education and personal interests. We live in America, a country of opportunity for all…even women, maybe more so than men. With the internet and current technology, women can create a sizeable income and career for herself at home. There are no excuses, just a lot of self centered pity for those who do not embrace the opportunities our very free country has to offer. Quit living in the dark ages, and buck up.
I chose to stay home with my three children during my 20 year marriage. My then husband was a professional and money was not an issue. In hindsight, I would have worked part time to my skills current and my professional timeline intact. I reentered the workforce at “40plus” and have not been able to command the salary my colleagues have because of my time at home. I would encourage all moms to keep their ties with the workforce at some level. Death, divorce,and illness are all possibilities.