I’m no friend of the Family Court System. When you are in the middle of a divorce from an irrational person the Family Court System should be able to step in and make sure that all involved are treated fairly and most of all that the “best interest of the child” is served.
If you’ve had extensive contact with the Family Court System you are probably laughing your head off right now. It falls short of the job it was meant to do. Very few people walk away from an extended divorce battle feeling like their interests were served and they got what they feel was legally and rightfully theirs.
I was talking to a friend who has the standard court ordered visitation. He sees his children every other weekend and on Tuesday nights for dinner. He works a job that would allow him to drop his children off at school in the mornings and pick them up in the afternoons. That would give him more time with them, more of a chance to build a relationship and bond with them.
Here is his problem…his ex-wife won’t allow him to have this extra time with his children. They are angry at each other over divorce and relationship issues so, no way will either one of them even consider the idea of working together to solve the issue. They make the choice to engaged in power struggles rather than co-parent their children.
For him to be able to do something as simple as take his children to school and pick them up in the afternoons he will have to petition the Family Court and prove a change in circumstance and then cross his fingers and hope some judge feels it is appropriate for him to have the extra time with them. He will have to do this because neither he nor his ex-wife are able to ACT LIKE ADULTS.
In his mind the Family Court is the problem. It is the big bad monster keeping him from having the freedom to bond more deeply with his children. He is angry because, according to him the courts aren’t concerned about the “best interest of the children.” The court is only concerned with controlling his life and making it miserable.
What I don’t understand is this…when will people understand that if they would stop acting so sophomoric, would actually communicate and work with their ex-spouse the court system would play no role in their lives at all. It is the actions and behaviors of the individuals going through divorce that determine whether or not they fall victim to a faulty court system.
I know men who don’t see their children at all because they are angry at their ex-wives. I know women who deny visitation if the child support check is late. The one thing these people have in common is the way they jump up and down and whine about the Family Court System. They act like spoiled children unable to share their toys and then get upset over legal fees and the unfair treatment by the courts.
I have a message for such “adults” fighting the system. Put your anger away, put your children’s feeling first, take advantage of the mediation process and please, put some effort into co-parenting your children. By doing so you will put the Family Court System in it’s place and you will rid yourself and your children of all that stress you feel due to allowing anger to get in the way of doing the right thing.
Your point that mediation would be better than court stuggles is cogent. But there is an element here that is beyond the ability of each parent- the other one. I’ve had little experience with divorce, but it seems to me that mediation requires two people to be mature. If only one remains childish, mediation won’t work.
And the court is influential. It’s a burocracy that prefers the status quo- every other weekend works (or seems to) so why change it? Plus, if you’ll allow me a small rant, the judge won’t make a decision without input from a mediator. “Change the biweekly return from 1500 to 1800? Oh, I’ll need to see what the shrink has to say … ”
And if both attorneys can get billable hours from any situation, where’s the incentive for them (another influential factor) to change the status quo?
The entire system is flawed. All parties deserve some blame- parents for being puerile, the judge for having no initiative, the attorneys for spending hours with no results and the historical, collective “one size fits all” family court system.
Indeed, it is flawed, from the first discovery document that comes in the mail to the ubiquitous subpoena boldly proclaiming that “You have been sued in court…” Does it ever end? The answer, predictably, is “Yes,” but not until you’ve reached the end of your patience, logic, optimism and reasonableness. Because, you see, that’s exactly the point: The divorce wars have little to do with Mediation or Courts or even which spouse is the more childish of the two. It’s about power and who can manage to stand on the log longer before toppling off, into the rushing water below.
It’s about dismantling your opponent’s optimism and upsetting his or her equilibrium. Quibble about that 150.00 print hanging in the family room long enough and it’s yours. Keep the nitpicking going over Grandma’s old drop-leaf table in the foyer and ring up another win.
You see, time is money, too, and mediators count their time just as valuable as do lawyers, judges and accountants. Because of this, one of the two of you is going to be pressured, albeit subtly, to acquiesce. Usually it’s the weaker of the two divorcing parties.
If you really want to make it to the shore of singledom without finding yourself tossed into shark-infested waters, learn the art of endurance. Exercise until the sweat gushes from pores and glands you didn’t know you had; take a Yoga class and learn discipline of the mind, spirit and body. Deprive yourself of that extra piece of cake; wake up a half-hour earlier each day.
Build up your strength from within and get ready to stick to what you want like a barnacle to a shipwreck. After you’ve proven your tenacity, it won’t matter whether it’s a mediator or a lawyer assisting you on this voyage: You’ll have set your course and now all you’ll need to do is steer towards your goal.
75% of “High Conflict” CUSTODY cases are the result of Domestic Violence and this comes from MULTIPLE sources: (CA office of the courts, Leadership Council on Child Abuse, Lundy Bancroft -”The Batterer As Parent”, The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Jugets). Domestic Violence is actually Nothing More than a Physical Manifestation The abusive partner’s pattern of attempting to assert Coercive Control and Dominiation. This is the core reason why it’s NOT a gender equal phenomenon. Statistics of DV attacks on Men also include violence between male homosexual partners. In Family Court this pattern is perpetrated against Mothers who then will do anything not to have to put their children into the care of their abusers. These mothers are being legally stalked by the very abusers they sought to escape (EVERY DAY FOUR WOMEN DIE in DV Murders when they say ONE DAY TOO LONG) Don’t BE AFRAID to Get The Facts at: http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/
The initial post must have been written by an attorney. I have been in the middle of a divorce for over a year now. I settled, and settled and settled to the point the ex had it all. I moved from a 1,250,000.00 ranch into a ghetto apartment. I watched him sell every piece of community property and pocket all of the money. I watched him sell our ranch at the lowest price possible to only receive a $10,000.00 “note” after back taxes and law suits he accumulated during the last year of our being in the same household, knowing he would have to give it all up, pay half of the value and be responsible to the business debts as well, so it was better to sell it and get his $10,000.00 then to be a responsible person and be fair. And all of this was done prior to our even getting into court. This was all done by him against his own restraining order not to sell any community property, by either person. In order to achieve a fair custody between him and I and the children, we went to mediation, over and over and over again, seriously! The attorneys just sat there and the mediator did whatever she could to set fires between the ex and I where she saw hot buttons. I kept saying over and over, at each of the four 4 hour meetings, that I did not want to sling hash and throw mud, all I wanted was custody of my children and I gave all of the expensive and common property to him and took nothing from the sale of any of it. All I wanted was custody of my children. I got custody of three of the five and a well over $9,000.00 attorney bill. Then the ex started filing motions and OSC’s to make my life more stressful and difficult in an attempt to get the three children from me. Since I could not afford an attorney, I had to continually undergo the stress of having to go to court and represent myself, all the while being in constant fear of losing my children, not just the three, but all of them. Not once did the judge reprimand him for his actions and false allegations. I could not co parent because he was doing all of this and I was afraid that no matter what I did, if he was aware of any issue, he would twist it around to make me out to be an incompetent mother and file another motion or OSC. The two children who lived with him, he refused to make it easy for me to get them for my visits. I was trying to set the pace by allowing him to see the three with me outside of the visitation schedule in hopes that he would do the same for me. That never happened. I was eventually a nervous wreck and finding it very difficult to care for my children and deal with him. When he threw me out of our home, he sat all five of the children down in the living room and proceeded to call me foul names and names like “loon”, “nut job”, “looser”, etc. in front of all five of my children. He continued this behavior after the divorce and then he took it so far as to call me foul and completely vulgar names and nasty foul names at my three toddler grand children, and then spit tobacco juice in my face. I filed a restraining order against him and to be “:fair” then the court issued a restraining order against me as well, with no justification or proof of my doing anything but being a victim. The D.A. never even went after the matter and the only thing they did was confiscate the multitude of guns they found in his house when he was supposed to be arrested, but then the police decided not to. I never saw that being in the police handbook! I finally gave up custody of all five children to get out of this mess and in hopes of just being able to see my children. I was going to bring them all a hot lunch to school one day and he sent me an email that if I showed up at the school, he would have me arrested for contempt of court. Not once did the court intervene and not once did the mediator do anything to help resolve the issues. In fact, she told me that she only dealt with the attorneys and would not get into discussions with parents who were acting “in Pro Per”. The ex still refuses to let me see the children during times that would not interfere with his time with the kids. He threatens me over and over and now he is attempting to take me back to court to stop my meager alimony which was part of the settlement in him taking the children into his physical custody. Tell me, other than being a door mat, where was the system right and where was I wrong? I beg to differ with anyone who has the utmost nerve in saying that the system is that of what the parents make of it during each separate situation. The whole thing is a scam, if you ask me. Not once did the judge say “Mrs. X, you are taking it in the butt and I think we need to make things fair”. Nope, only interaction I saw was the mediator justifying the need for her in her job, the attorneys ringing up their bill, and the parent who is trying desperately to play fair is a victim, along with the children. The system only is sided with the parent who is the most abusive in the relationship coming out smelling like a rose to everyone else’s detriment.
AMY….LOOK up “Father’s Rights-In Their Own Words” and it has little to do with “equal” time for fathers…as a matter of fact, this group of men who head up the nation’s leading fathers’ groups is disturbing in their hatred of women, “political platform to repeal the womens’ right to vote”, and pro-pedophelia positions. I found two videos put up by family court activist groups who’ve been victimized in family court. YOU are NOT alone. You were motivated enought to write this, I hope you find one of the groups and join us! Look up http://www.youtube.com/activism007.
I live in Jamaica i am a single mom and my daughter father lives in canada (16478282414) who don’t wants to support is child Gianna Fraser is name is Basil Fraser. What are the step i can take to get a monthly support to help take care of his daughter. I am attending school and working it is extremly pressuring. He won’t answer is phone . School term start and he don’t even call.
Yes, I agree with many of the above comments. If you are dealing with an abuser, they will continue their behaviour through the Family Court. It only takes one to mess with what could be a child-centred and fair split and that one will be the abuser every time.