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Cathy Meyer

Midlife Crisis and Divorce

By January 8, 2008

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Are you experiencing any of the feelings listed below? If so, think carefully before you file for a divorce or make any major decisions concerning your life. You may be experiencing a midlife crisis. A normal life transition that can hit you emotionally like a ton of bricks and can cause you to react to life and relationships in a way that is not in your best interest.

Midlife crisis can be triggered by the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job or a significant change in lifestyle. It can also be caused by childhood trauma that was never properly dealt with. Whether the feelings you are having are due to external or internal issues if you lack understanding of the process, you may find yourself making irrational decisions you will later regret. Decisions such as leaving a job, divorcing your spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up during the first part of your life.

Talk to your spouse, a close friend, your religious leader, family doctor or a therapist before you act on your feelings. Doing so may end up saving you and those you love a lot of emotional pain.

  • Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided you with happiness for many years.

  • Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to you before.

  • Feeling a need for adventure and change.

  • Questioning the choices, you have made in your life and the validity of decisions you made years before.

  • Confusion about who you are and where you are going.

  • Anger at your spouse and feeling tied down.

  • Unable to make decisions about where you want to go with your life.

  • Doubt that you ever loved your spouse and resentment over the marriage.

  • A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship.

Related Articles:
How to Respond to Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis
Surviving Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis
The Difference Between Male and Female Midlife Crisis
September 11, 2008 at 12:29 am
(1) Will says:

I’m 30 years old and I’m experiencing almost everything that you have listed. It’s good to be able to put a title to what I’m experiencing. It’s quite a relief to know that it’s a normal and neccessary phase of life and maturity. And it all makes sense…but I wonder how many other 30 year old men feel the same way? In todays times I wouldn’t be suprised if there were millions! Good stuff though and thanks.

January 16, 2009 at 1:42 pm
(2) Mis says:

So, what if you are the spouse of the unsuspecting, clueless, reckless, emotional, irrational thinking man who is going through the mid-life crisis? Thank you for your description but after everything he’s put us through, it may be too late. Maybe this should be something that gets more media attention. Some sort of warning. My husband, or rather soon-to-be ex-husband, thinks he’s too young (32) to be going through a mid-life crisis yet everything you just described is EXACTLY what he’s going through while I’m left feeling like it’s all my fault and our three children are left wondering what’s wrong with dad?

Thank you for bringing some light to the situation…it at least helps me understand a little more.

January 28, 2009 at 3:36 pm
(3) Jayne says:

What does it take for these guys to wake up my husband wants us to date while he lives in a apartment with no furniture

February 16, 2009 at 12:32 am
(4) jmac says:

After 26 years of marriage , we definitely had ups and downs. Things weren’t great, but I didn’t expect a divorce with no other considerations out of the blue.
This article did validate what my therapist has explained to me.

March 6, 2009 at 11:11 am
(5) Eddie says:

my wife is 55 and going thru this same thing now, how do you cope with this and will they ever snap out of it or is it a done deal?

March 10, 2009 at 5:40 pm
(6) Kat says:

This article is so accurate. My exhusband left me just a few months after his father’s death. He had all of those feelings listed. We were together for 14 years and he left me for his 20-something co-worker.

March 21, 2009 at 6:39 am
(7) Muriel says:

I think I might be going through one at 32. I just quit smoking and I feel like my whole life is out of control. I cut my hair, I stopped drinking, I feel withdrawn from my husband because I am questioning the last 7 yrs of our lives together. I gave up my dream job for him and his military career. Now it’s all I think of. I keep wondering if having a husband 6 mths out of a year because of his career is worth a lifetime of my dreams. This feeling is so not cool.

March 28, 2009 at 6:00 pm
(8) Carol Boisen says:

My husband is going thru a very bad, really severe midlife crisis. It has torn us/me apart emotionally to say the least. Because we own a business together and a long term marriage (30 years) I’m not sure how to proceed. He has turned into a man me and the children don’t know. This is so destructive!

March 31, 2009 at 11:33 am
(9) CD says:

I came back to this article today since I went through this with my wife last year. She left and we intitiated a divorce proceeding about 8 months ago. Not only did she fit this description to a tee, but she crossed numerous personal boundaries and destroyed a family in the process. There is a great resource avaialbale at http://www.pathpartners.com for women in crisis and the men who have wives in mid-life crisis. Its all about you now, don’t let them drag you into the tornado…

March 31, 2009 at 11:41 pm
(10) Tsue says:

Wow! It’s amazing how this mlc can change someone so much so fast. My husband and I have been married 18 years with 3 kids, he has always been the mostdevoted fathers and husband that you would ever meet and then out of know where he wants no responsabilities of kids or a wife and of course there’s a girlfriend now!!! I don’t even know who he is, very sad! Are there any good stories of husbands waking up and becoming who they once where?

April 16, 2009 at 2:26 am
(11) Kate says:

I’d like to reply to “Mis”. My husband sounds very much like yours. We also have 3 children. As heartwrenching as this is, it’s a bit of a comfort to know I’m not alone.

April 19, 2009 at 3:45 pm
(12) molly says:

My husband is 30 and going through a mid-life crisis. Right after meeting his biological father for the first time who is in poor health, my husband asked me for a divorce. I thought we were happy. He’s desperately trying to change everything about his life to find “happiness” meanwhile killing his family (we have 2 boys) It’s is incredibly selfish.

April 21, 2009 at 4:26 am
(13) Stephanie says:

Wow-didn’t realize how common this is!!! Husband is growing hair out, having an affair with co-worker, wearing surfer shirts, and (now that I’ve thrown him out) is pouting because he has to sleep in the car. I have been blaming myself, but these are really valuable insights. For you ladies who are in the same boat, the “How To Respond To Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis” has good advice. I want to throttle the fool, but still love him (as do the 3 kids) so wish me luck!

April 27, 2009 at 6:29 pm
(14) SoonToBeEx says:

My wife seems to be going through almost all of those feelings in the list. It’s very heart breaking. We have 2 children and have been married for 17 years. I would really like to know if there is a way to bring her back to herself, or if I need to just wait it out, or if I just have to learn to accept it.

June 3, 2009 at 9:14 am
(15) diane says:

My husband frank had complained about EVERY one of these ‘feelings’ – blamed me for his lack of satisfaction.

He played the part of being happy, coming up with the notion of buying our retirement home, yet did the most bizarre and cruel 180 change, he took off without a word on my 45th birthday after being together for 11 yrs.

June 3, 2009 at 9:22 am
(16) diane says:

My husband was 41 when this 180 change occured. He shared his feelings with others, but never discussed his exit plan. In fact, Frank did the complete opposite, spend the prior 9 months before he left, by looking for a new home for ‘US’.. A 30 year mortgage, with no plans of staying for 30 days.. (after 11 yrs of marriage). He walked and filed for divorce. Mentioning every one of the feelings mentioned above as a REASON for filing for divorce!…. He refuses to acknowledge this and still blames me for his own dissatisfaction

June 5, 2009 at 10:05 pm
(17) Bob says:

I’m the husband having these issues and its tearing me up inside. I have every feeling listed here. I still love my wife but don’t feel anything like I did before. I’ve recently lost my business due to the economy and we’re having fianancial problems because of it.
I have found someone else who makes me feel alive but I feel terrible to be considering leaving my wife and children. I feel like I’m totally living a lie.. mostly because I am.
I’m a complete mess and have no clue what to do or how to do it.. 43 going on 12.

June 11, 2009 at 11:18 am
(18) bewildered says:

I have been married for 17 years with 2 children and my husband who just turned 40 has all these feelings. I’m at such a loss as he wants a divorce and yet, he’s been the guy that every woman would kill to have. He’s incredible, except for now that he’s been a jerk. Any advice or website recommendations for those of us women who are just bewildered over this behavior….

June 12, 2009 at 8:59 am
(19) Sharon says:

WARNING to all that are experiencing these feelings…..let it pass…go to a therapist…but do not walk out of marriage without a lot of consideration! MLC hit my ex husband when he was 43. He found himself a youngster 18 years younger than himself with 4 kids. I caught him cheating, so he then left me and our two daughters. After the MLC passed, he realized his mistake. It was too late. 20 years of marriage and his family….went into the crapper. Me and the girls survived the hurt and moved on with our lives. I remarried and am very happy. Our daughters are now grown and want nothing to do with him. I’ve heard time and time again from his friends that he’s miserable and realizes he screwed up his life.

June 12, 2009 at 10:32 am
(20) Lucrezia says:

My husband left me two monthjs ago and moved in with a girl 21years his junior (he is 47),he had been having an affair with her on and off for the past four years. I had to tell our daughter on her way back from her first semester in college what was going on. She is dealing with it better that I did when he said to me “we have no connection and I am leaving you”, All of this started 3months ago and every day gets easier, I am a surviver I will make it thru this and be happy once again. He will not since he will pay for this the rest of his life for loosing a wonderful family he will be alone.

June 13, 2009 at 12:07 am
(21) Dnn says:

THANK-YOU from the bottom of my heart for this series about MLC, as well as what the non-MLC spouse can do to survive & handle the spouse who is going through the process.

I am a 39yr old woman who was just going through this. I’d STILL be going through this if I hadn’t come across this series of articles that explained to me exactly what was going on. I’ve been experiencing EVERYTHING on the bullet list in the article, and even went so far as to proposition my NEIGHBOR for casual sex!!!! Thank God he had once been in a similar situation himself, which led to his divorce, so he knew enough to keep it cool. I told my husband everything, and thank God again that I have such a loving husband, as he was very understanding & took it as a wakeup call to discuss what was wrong in the marriage that would lead me to want to search for it elsewhere. DH & I have a great sexual relationship, but the emotional element was just not there otherwise, so that was part of why I was straying. That, plus the whole list of feelings in the article made me feel like I was going crazy, but once I saw myself in the article, I knew that was what was going on. Read a whole bunch about MLC, and I have to say, I think I’m ok now! I understand now what was wrong, that it’s a natural process, and that it’s actually an opportunity for me to evaluate things in my life & make changes to lead to a better life. Prior to reading the articles, I was convinced I was unfulfilled & unhappy in my marriage & was actually contemplating a separation (we have 2 kids, too). Now I feel liberated to know I can work on setting a newer & better course for my life that INCLUDES my husband and kids. THANK-YOU!!!!!

August 8, 2009 at 5:18 am
(22) David says:

to bad my dad didnt read this before ruining my life with a divorce.

August 14, 2009 at 1:04 am
(23) brian says:

My wife has put our 2 kid and I through hell. We have been married for 17 years. 8 months ago we met up with a married couple at a block party, from then on, she changed. She always want to hang around with them, i to did the same. Will it got to the point were this friendship started to get weird. I asked her to spend more time with our family, but she felt she was being tied down, or I was controlling her. Her since of family values went out the window. I tried to talk since into her, but just seems to made it worse. After she was done working, she would take off and not come home for hours, sometime stayed overnite with them. Before this happened she always had the time for me and kids, always had supper ready, was a loving and caring wife. We argued alot about her friends, but it made no differents. Today is 1 month and 2 week since she moved out, I have my kids and she still has her friends.Very sad thing to happen, we have been together for 19 years. But that dont matter at all. This article thumbs it all up.

September 1, 2009 at 11:11 am
(24) deejay says:

I am a

September 1, 2009 at 11:19 am
(25) deejay says:

I am a man who is being told I am going trough a mlc.I am so confused and will try too seek help to determine if it a valid emotion for some.My wife has gained 50 lbs,watches 13 hours of t.v, became 110% mother and 5% wife and says I changed ! some men can not deal with THE WIFE changing over time and is now married to a soccer mom opposed to the 120 lb lover they onced had.!I choose to loose wieght look good, dress nice and not become a old man and try to stay fit and sexy for a wife who just responds with your going through changes !! lol maybe it’s me idk?

October 13, 2009 at 2:19 pm
(26) Jennifer Anderson says:

My husband is divorcing me after only three months and refuses to go to counseling or to do any work on our marriage. He recently learned he is being moved to a very lucrative position in his company and this all seemed to coincide with his decision to divorce. He asked me to move out and completely cut me out of his life within a week. He keeps trying to be nice and says he “wants to stay close” but I didn’t want a divorce. We both have been married before and have grown children. There is no reason for this to be happening. He seems to have retreated into himself and treats me like I am just a nuisance to him and he can’t wait to get rid of me. I am blown away this is happening so quickly. The first year of marriage is always hard but we both knew that going in, talked about it. I am considering that his problem could be MLC. His complete refusal to try to save our relationship is the most shocking. He recently let me now he is moving to the state where his company is headquartered. He has been stonewalling me for about a month and stopped communicating and stopped intimacy. This seemed like it happened overnight…we were still in the honeymoon stage, I thought. He won’t give me a valid reason but my guess is that he has this image of this exciting new life ahead and I don’t factor in. He’s already filed the papers and we’ve agreed to a settlement but I have said to him every day that I do not want this and don’t agree with it. I would admit if it were so bad that he just couldn’t stand it but it wasn’t. It was good and I was happy. I have emails from him stating the same not one week prior to his asking me to move out. He has not looked back once since. I am not one to sneak and spy – if he wants this to make him happy, then he should have that but, i have been driving myself crazy wondering how someone can flip so fast! After reading your posts, i see that there are many similarities. There is still no solution and he says his decision is final but at least something is making sense now.

October 27, 2009 at 5:41 pm
(27) Melissa Mc says:

I was married for 20 years from 1986 – 2006. Joe pulled a 180 on me out of the blue! In 2001 my mom died, 6 months later his dad died. He started acting really strange towards me! I had no idea it was anything other than the deaths. In 2004 he was really treating me like something he’s scraped off his shoe! He would yell and scream at me even when I was being nice to him. In 2005 he was really being a jerk to me. He would come home and just look at me like I was dog poop on the floor or something like that. But then he would IGNORE me the rest of the time. I tried to talk to him but he never wanted to talk about it. By the end of 2005 he kept saying, “This isn’t working” but I had no idea what he was talking about. Since he is a bit of a computer geek, I thought perhaps he meant something to do with his computer network. He wasn’t at all clear about what he meant! Then a few days into 2006 he let me have it! He wanted to break up the marriage and get a divorce out of the blue! I was never more shocked in my life by the things that spouted out of his mouth. It was hard because I had to wait about five months before I could even leave the house. It was HELL to say the least! He kept saying these CRUEL things to me and I would cry because we had been together for 20 years. I could feel nothing from him but cold and hate filled remarks about myself. He blames me for everything still and it’s 2009! He found some sorry trashy woman with a bunch of kids he married. She hasn’t made my life any easier either. She harrassed me with emails and said all this really awful stuff to me. She has never even seen me in person but she insulted me and lies to me. She lied to my ex-husband about me as well but he believes her over me. I had to call the cops on his new wife over the harrassment to get it to stop. When I tried to be nice and get my ex-husband Joe to stop her from this. He just ignored me like he’s been doing since his MLC started. This woman he is with now is just using him but he’s too foolish to see it! She’ll end up screwing him over I just know it! Mean while I have found a new guy I am with now but I don’t know if that will work out or not. when I read anything about MLC I hear things that ring true in my case! I know that my ex-husband Joe is having MLC but everyone thinks I’m wrong! But I’m not! When someone does a 180 like my ex-husband Joe did to me out of the blue! That’s MLC! He said just Like this BOB guy did above me in comment #17 he felt like he was “living a lie.” I heard this same thing from Joe as BOB above said. So that puts it in cement for me that both this BOB guy and Joe are on the same page in the book of midlife crisis! Joe has lost it, he is with this sorry woman now his 2ed wife. She has taken money, cell phone and car from him when they broke up. Oh then she broke into the house and did only who knows what! She is a drug user too. I used to live in this house with Joe, now she lives there with her kids. It’s a 2 bedroom 1 bath house. On top of that his 2e wife posted photos of their wedding on her myspace page. I was shocked to see my ex-husband had on a tie I had given him as a gife years ago. So I wasn’t there but part of me was! What would Sigmund Freud say about that I wonder? Hum? I know for a fact my ex-husband talks about me all the time, I hear things. Even though they are mixed things because I’m not talking to him if I can help it. He still talks about me even to his new wife! She made some comments that he wished I could still be friends with him. She isn’t happy about that I could tell. She is jealous of me anyway because I was first! I can tell that too. But I don’t really talk about my ex-husband that much anymore. I am here because when I read this, it rang like a bell in my head! this is what is wrong with Joe, MLC! So some people have told me to expect joe at sometime to want me back again after he figures out how he messed up his life. I don’t know how I’ll even react to him at this point. I am still angry and hurt by what he’s done to me. I doubt I could ever even trust him again! I love him still but too many bad things have been done and said to me! Why should I take him back EVER again? there are no living children with him. I did lose a baby but I don’t wish to talk about that. the thing I don’t get is this whole “FRIENDSHIP” thing he wants with me. If that’s true then why when I try to even talk to him, he either ignores me. Blames me for stuff I never did or just yells his head off at me about something else. (???) it’s like I’ve been dealing with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde for about a few years. Then Mr Hyde just totally took over and thats who he’s become! I don’t know the person Joe has become with MLC but he’s not the man I fell in love with that’s for sure! I’m not going into details here, they are AWFUL! But I hope what I have wrote helps others out with this? I have no idea what lays down the road and how I feel about Joe anymore. Like I said, I still love him, may do so the rest of my life. But I doubt I can even be friends with him anymore. It sad and disguesting after 20 years with someone you feel like you never knew them at all. Like they just used you! This is what MLC has done to Joe and because of it. I had to suffer more that I ever have in my whole life! If you knew my background you would be shocked by this statement! Trust me I have had a very hard life, nothing has ever been easy for me. The one thing I thought I had with Joe was so real to me and I thought would always be! However, now I feel like nothing has ever been right in my life at all. I try to keep my hope alive but it’s hard to do now. I feel so drained and without love. The guy I’m with now I know I don’t love him but we have a good time together. When he’s not around I feel sad and hurt by my ex-husband still. I know I still love him and felt like we should still be together. How do I cope with that? Anyone who can tell me how you deal with this let me know? I feel like I’ve been living in the Twilight Zone! I really do! Should I ever take back my ex-husband, be friends with him or just totally let him go? If I do let him go can I ever give my heart to anyone else without feeling like I do now? Like I said, I do NOT love the man I’m with now. I’m with him but I doubt I’ll be with him a long time. I’m just with him because he’s cute and I don’t want to be alone. I have told the new guy this but he still wants to see where we’ll go. So I’m going to just take it day to day and see. I could use other peoples POV on this anyway. If you care to share what you think about my story. Thank you much, M.Mc.

November 12, 2009 at 8:34 pm
(28) BW says:

My husband told me he wasn’t happy after 27 years of marriage. He said he wanted to be alone. He couldn’t move
me out of the house fast enough. He had all the symptoms of MLC. Lost weight bought new clothes grew a beard. A week after I moved out I found where he had been communicating with ANW on the internet. He has ruined our family. He want return any calls or emails to anyone.

November 17, 2009 at 1:14 pm
(29) Blindsided says:

My husband (45) and I were together for 28 years. We have two young children, a new home, new careers and I thought a new and exciting future.In october, not even a year into our new home, he said he no longer loves me, hasen’t for a long time and he is done. He has since ( 3 weeks ago) moved into a little one bedroom apartment with his 27 year old girlfreind who he now loves. He believes he desearves more out of life and deserves to be happy, apparently, according to him he was not happy and not living a good life. The girlfriend was a friend of the family who was going to tutor my 12 year old son in math. She knew our family, my children and me and was well aware of what she was doing.
I don’t know how anyone could repair a marraige under those circumstances. I feel betrayed, angry, almost nauseated when I think of him and them. Why a man can go thisd after so many years is beyound my comprehension. While I understand that thier are two people in a marriage and it takes two to make it work, I can not see how he made the decsion to throw everything we have built, our childrens security and our own future plans ( we were building a retirement home) could be nothing.

November 23, 2009 at 2:32 pm
(30) Brenda says:

The men who should be reading this article are far too selfish to be reading this article. My soon to be ex is classic MLC – new, more stressful job, recently lost a dear friend to cancer, turning 50 in January etc. He didn’t go for help; he only spoke to/interacted with his friends who’d done the same things to their wives and children; they told him what he wanted to hear; that he deserved to be happy and that we’d all be better off for this. He didn’t speak to any of our friends who are married and working through the normal ups and downs. I’ve given him a number of chances to to stop the process but he’s never been so sure of anything in the 31 years we’ve been together. It’s sad for all of us; we almost had it all.

November 23, 2009 at 2:55 pm
(31) Melinda says:

My husband of 20 years did all the above. Retired from the Army, we moved across the country, bought a new house, he started a new job, started losing weight and dressing nicely, texted another woman that was only “a friend” constantly, hanging out for happy hour with co-workers (I wasn’t allowed to mingle with them), never looked me in the eye and lied to me numerous times he wasn’t having an affair. Then the husband of the other woman called and told me he found risque emails between them and that ended our marriage. He thinks he is in love, but he and she have ruined two families for their selfish behavior and three children from both marriages. He should have had the balls to speak up earlier than to have it get to this point of the secret spilling out in a loud confrontation that our girls heard. Mind you, I was in shock. Never in a million years did I expect this man to do this.

December 3, 2009 at 8:40 am
(32) Blindsided says:

You are right that it should be the men reading this. I have punched such a horrible month that I don’t know where I am to. On top of all this Christmas if just a few weeks away and I haven’t even started,. I can’t seem to make myself do anything. There should be a law that protects women ( and some men ) from situations like this. Can’t you sue for pain and suffering. Wouldn’t that make some of these men styop and and think before doing what they have done.

December 18, 2009 at 12:10 pm
(33) deano says:

What is important to realize is that men are poor communicators and Most of the time when the woman feels she has been let down and Betrayed.The man felt that long before the relationship ended !!and it is easier to blame him after the fact then to take action beforehand.The writing was on the wall and most choose not to read till it’s too late !!

December 18, 2009 at 12:42 pm
(34) Blindsided says:

I can’t say I agree with the previous comment. While yes I believe that men are poor communicators I do not think that I did see this coming. We just purchased our new home, we were both mioving ahead with our careers and children. If nothing else we were freinds and he had an obligation in this marraige to talk to me before going out and jumping into berd with a 27 year old. It was only a few months before when we both sat @ our kitchen table and he said ” This is where I am staying. I don’t want anything else”. How is one to take any action to save a relationship when you are unaware that a problem exists or at least a problem that threatens to destroy your relationship after 28 years and two children later. If there was writing for me to see I would have tried anything but alas one person in a relationship can’t do it alone and unless he told me I had nothing to work with. He broke our wedding vows and committed the ultimate selfish act of adultry. Whether you are the man or the woman, the dumpee or the dumper, when you are in a committed, long term marraige, that effects not only you and your spouse but your children and family too, you have an obligation to make your worries and concerns clear and open. I am not saying I was @ no fault, all relationships have ups/ downs, pressures and issues but my values and committment to my marraige and family would prevent me from taking the steps that he did. He not only left our relationship but he did so in a very hurtful and dispecable way. Disclosing our very personal, intimate details to a woman he had met just a month or so before.

December 22, 2009 at 8:03 pm
(35) John Doe says:

Here is a man who IS reading ‘this stuff’. How many of you women trapped your husbands? How many of these guys gave it their all and sacrificed their youth only to be taken for granted. How many of you got fat, never made any attempt at making him feel desireable? How many of you are wearing clothes that remind him of his grandmother? When is the last time you didn’t sigh or mumble or roll your eyes when he wanted to be intimate? You know, after while, at some point everyone looks back at their life and wonders………. ‘Who am I? Dont I deserve to be happy? Where is my reward for sacrificing my life?’ I feel it. Bitterness is eating my soul. I DO love her, but I just want to be me -who is that? A provider? A tool? Maybe I am an artist. Maybe I have talent. Maybe there is someone inside me who deserves to live! Dont I deserve a chance?

December 28, 2009 at 3:39 pm
(36) Johnny Boy says:

I got married 13 years ago to a woman who was caring and sexy. Over the years my career expanded into mangerial roles and travel to exotic places started to happen for me. I asked her to join me each time and each time she said no. I understood when the kids were little, but they are now 12 and 10 and she still wont go. I ask her to go out on dates with me and she says no. I keep in great shape [Mr. Connecticut contestant] in th hopes she still find me attrative…sex is non-existent and I am now looking around…I have tried for years to make this work..and it is not. frustrating

January 23, 2010 at 10:51 pm
(37) Buddy says:

I may be going through the MLC myself…But I have not had any desire to have an affair…I won’t do that to my wife…I love her still like the day I met her.

I do feel that I am living my life for her and her son…not myself. The house we live in is her choice…not mine…I want to sell it..and build a new one…I hate the place that I work at…I have very little interest in my hobbies…at the present…and I’ve been dealing with a step son that has pulled myself through a knot-hole for about 3 years.

Yeah, I’m thinking about the big D…in the past…but I don’t know just yet.

February 5, 2010 at 12:07 am
(38) Tired guy says:
March 21, 2010 at 10:18 pm
(39) sidetracked says:

I am responding to John Doe. Where do you guys come up with this stuff? I heard the same thing from my husband. Dont know what you mean by trapped. But for the most part people get married because they love each other. As for sacrificing your youth crap, what are you talking about? What, How and When did you sacrifice anything. Where was she? Do you think she sacrificed her youth living with you? Did she have kids, a home and you to take care of as well as maybe work outside the home. Yes perhaps there was some rolling of the eyes once in a while when she did not feel like having sex. Yes perhaps there were times when you did not feel the connection you once felt. Things change, people change and unfortunately sometimes we dont see things in front of our eyes because we are so busy with other things. It does not mean there is no love for you. I know for myself that I would have at least attempted to make things better for him had I realized what he was going thru. He does not believe this but then again you only believe what you want to believe. Why do you choose (and yes you chose)to hurt her, and your family beyond any other hurt possible when you claim to love them? How do you forget all the wonderful, beautiful and yes happy times you have spent with your her and choose to remember all of a sudden only “bad” times. Please tell me how you hide your unhappiness so well. I mean I thought I had a good marriage, not perfect of course but whose is. However, he was kind, thoughtful, considerate, we made wonderful love, and he laughed all the time. How are we suppose to see the unhappiness you claim to have when you dont show it!!! And this taken for granted thing is also something I have heard. What exactly this means I have no idea, all Im told is that I did it and now its too late to make up for it. I am so confused by it all. I went from being told I was loved all the time to being the worst person for just being in his presence. Nothing makes any sense. I am like so many others who never saw this coming, it is amazing how something like an affair can make the great person you thought you married turn into an unknown person that does and says things exactly like other men. That he can care so little for you now when before he cared so much. I pray for all who are going thru this pain, it is unbearable and so undeserved.

March 26, 2010 at 1:33 pm
(40) nowsingle says:

For those still reading these posts – MLC is a journey that your spouse is on – sure, you take the blame, but even you must see that the MLCer must justify their actions. “we got married too young” – “you weren’t there for me” – “we were really struggling” – saving face in the community to them, understandably is important.

The key is to let go, realize you do not control other people, and that at anytime, your life can take a dramatic, dramatic and sometimes painful change. However, which would you rather be? The MLC cheater? Or you – ? Easy choice, eh?

April 12, 2010 at 2:21 pm
(41) Nancy says:

I came home from work and my husband packed all of his things and left. He then filed for a divorce on the same day. He just turned 44 and he is stating on Facebook that he was drunk all weekend and making crude remarks. He has a 29 year old interested in him. We have been together for ten years and his behavior seems like he is going through a mid life crisis. Is it possible?

April 12, 2010 at 7:40 pm


May 1, 2010 at 10:40 am
(43) confused says:

hi my story is so confusing my husband and i had problems
we have been married 14 yrs
3 yrs ago he said those things i dont love you want change etc
i was scared and pleaded with him he stayed sometimes he was back and sometimes not i have not responded in a positive way and a year ago he was hitting so i went to the hospital and law was involved he left and then at xmas he wanted to try again then a few days later said no i dont i was devastated and upset and couldnt handle it
and now because ireacted badly he wants divorce help

May 7, 2010 at 10:19 am
(44) Mac says:

Married 15+ together 20+ – 26 months of this crap and I’m just done. These people can just suck the life out you. Divorce pending but she seems to want to maintain a toehold. Can’t stand to be around the person she’s become. Only saving grace is the knowledge that these things implode and they have to confront the wreckage caused. Be strong for the people in your life that still matter.

May 23, 2010 at 2:32 pm
(45) Sue says:

I am going through everything that has been displayed. My husband has left me and my two boys. I do not know him anymore. He was staying out 2 and 3 nights a week with no explanation. Did not want me to know what he was doing financally. He started thinking about motor cycles at 40 years old. He has been really cruel to me and the children. In fact, he is not consistant with spending time with our children, and blames me for the way he feels. It hurts really bad, because he was my college sweet heart. His family is not very supportive, because they did not like me anyway, therefore he has given them the right opporunity to behave poorly. I have my good days and my bad days. All of this happened after the death of my husbands father. I think God every day that I have a great paying job, because I do not know what I would have done. Also, I have wonderful parents, who have given me the strength that I need and a lot of love and support

June 12, 2010 at 3:26 am
(46) Been There says:

I think MLC is just a lame excuse for self-centered people who probably never should have gotten married to start with. They steal half the betrayed spouse’s life and then have the nerve to say THEY feel, “trapped”..as though the committed spouse never had such feelings either! The committed spouse has felt everything the so called MLC spouse has felt but decided that marriage is more than a 24 / 7 “feel good” experience and acted with maturity by making deliberately choosing to behave in a responsible manner and deliberately choosing to love a mate despite flaws. Some people mature with good sense. Others do not. Too bad we can’t have a crystal ball to see into the future when we give ourselves to another. Some of us would have run like hell and never looked back if we had known that we were throwing in our precious lot with a loser. I know I would have from the pathetic little man that chased me so hard and virtually railroaded me down the aisle only to bolt after 32 years and a beautiful family. He’s having a cheap and I suspect not as happy as it would appear office affair with a narcissistic little married woman (who BTW still hasn’t and most likely won’tleave her own husband). But Mr. “I missed out on so much,” has found “true love” at last. Hah. “True Lust” is more like it.
I literally turned myself inside out to save my marriage to no avail and receiving much scorn for my efforts. I cannot begin to describe the hurt, pain, and destruction this mess has wreaked on me and our children. But life goes on and things come full circle. I have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t be me who is ultimately old, all alone and full of regrets. All I can say is that if Selfish X ever turns up on my doorstep, hat in hand, to say he is sorry or ask to come back is I won’t even be there to open the door. I’ll be somewhere walking in the sun and enjoying life with that mature and responsible man who came into my life just when it didn’t seem things could get any worse.. The one whose Selfish X did him the same way. The one who treasures me, makes me laugh and has shown me that just because we drew a sorry lot the first time doesn’t mean we are doomed to keep making the same mistakes. My best advice to anyone suffering due to a spouse who never knew and probably never will know the meaning of “true love.”? Get yourself a barracuda of a lawyer and show absolutely no mercy… because someone who can live a 34 year lie will also try to steal you blind, and they will do it without a single shred of remorse. For them everything will always be, “Its all about ME, ME, ME.”

June 14, 2010 at 6:38 pm
(47) chuckle says:

sometimes people just dont think things through.How can anyone be so freakin selfish???????

June 25, 2010 at 8:00 am
(48) l7turk says:

This is a true nightmare for all involved. There are many web sites, with forums that are dedicated to helping the left behind spouce. Fortysixty.org is an excellent place, they will help you to recover yourself and get on with your life. Midlifecrisisadvocate.com has great information about MLC and how to deal with your relationship with the alien, while your spouce is off on the mothership.

July 12, 2010 at 12:33 am
(49) debalou says:

i to have a husband going through all these things mlc shocked me how 1 week before he was telling me how much he loved me was married 30 years this was true love 4 months later now i still cry and wonder what happened he also with another woman said he was in love with her ((this is my daughter s mother in law)) and best friend she was in a relationship one week before he ask for divorce from me duh!!! he also told me he would never fool around he would divorce first he lied i feel for the other ladies going through all this my heart is still broken i as god every night to make me stronger

August 4, 2010 at 8:44 am
(50) Jackie says:

I spent months trying to find out what was wrong with my now ex-partner, pouring over the internet, buying him self help books and even consulting his doctor. All this while I was having treatment myself for breast cancer. It turned out he was having an affair and I lost my home, my business, my friends and I eventually suffered a nervous breakdown. I still have councelling now 2 years later. The only life he destroyed was mine and he did it under the pretense of having a mid life crisis to gain sympathy and support from family and friends. I was with him for 25 years and I still cannot believe what a monster he turned into.

August 31, 2010 at 9:32 am
(51) Sherri says:

My husband and I have been together over 20 yrs and we have had are up’s and down’s .
He begain to go to the gym 2 yrs ago I was so proud of him he stoped drinking and smoking to me thing’s where good I trusted him being at the gym never thought he would mess around . Then I seen them he told me He didnt even know her, Then I looked in to the phone bill for over 6 mos now him and her on the phone at all hours.
So I went to her she said they are just friends2weeks later he moves out tells me he isnt in love with me any more (Im falling apart) Going crazy he is my life . I love him so much this is making me sick. they go to the gym together talk on the phone . Now he said he is haveing MLC he needs space and time to find him self . I dont know what to do Im so sad how do I let him go

October 19, 2010 at 7:39 pm
(52) Kim says:

My husband after 15 yrs of marriage decided to tell me right when I got out of the hospital that he was not happy. Within a month he filed for divorce. I have begged him to seek medical attention for his new love with a 17 yr old. He was an officer in a volunteer fire dept. This lead to a police investigation and then only thing that saved him was the chief told the prosicutor that he was not in a position of authority over this individual (she was a cadet in the fire program). This was a lie but what could I prove. I have been fighting to save this marriage. We were supposed to renew our vows this year. The 21st is our anniversary and its killing me. He has moved out, barely does anything with our children. Comes here and gets them on the bus in mornings but waits outside doesn’t help them get ready for school and does not talk to them while they wait for the bus. I leave for work early in the mornings. He brings me back and forth to court for the most ridiculous things. Will not look me in the eyes and tell me he is in love with another. Blames everything on me. I have not been in the best of health over the last 5 yrs but since this last surgery I have felt so great and was so exited to actually be able to do things with my kids, around my home and yard and I am a whole new person but now without the love of my life to share it with. Is this crazy or what? People say, even some of the local policeman” they won’t last. What do they have in common? What do they have to talk about? Brittany Spears, lol. He lost his job over a year ago, money has been tight but we have not been behind on anything. Any ideas on how to save this marriage because I do not want to lose the love of my life

November 4, 2010 at 8:27 pm
(53) upsidedown says:

My husband had an affair 30 years ago. Now after 36 years with me he gets her number from her father (who is just a moron–what father would give him her number knowing that he has a family? An idiot who has no morals or values,) He talks to her over the phone for 1 month, flies her into our city (she lives in another state) for a ONE night fling. Claims he loves her, I throw him out of my house, he continues to have this long distance relationship over the phone. And now the laugh is on him cuz he has nobody now (not even his kids or grandkids). The man was not thinking at all. This mlc has turned his life upside down. It still hurts me but I get satisfaction that now he is left alone. Prior to him having his fling he had changed into a hateful, angry and mad person. He was another person that I did not know. He was like this for 2 years then he decides that he is not happy with me or his kids. Hopefully, a real prince charming will come into my life so he can eat his heart out. All his family and friends tell him that he made the worst mistake of his life by leaving me for a one night fling that will probably not become anything.

November 7, 2010 at 5:44 pm
(54) Susan K says:

I have been separated now for 5 years with a so call pending divorce. My husband of 27 years left rather quickly for another woman, but failed to stay away. Three days after his departure he phoned me to say he was at Home Depot, and did I need anything!!! I knew something was wrong…how can you leave saying I don’t love you anymore, then call me as if you never left. His behavior was so strange, secretive and filled with lies. My guess was that there was someone else and sure enough my tuition proved me right. But despite his deception he still expressed his love for me. He would travel with her, then come back and say “I wished it was you that went on that trip with me”!!! He would feel so guilty he would purchase me a piece of jewelry. Needless to say the past five years have been like a roller coaster ride. I know he still loves me but struggles with his feelings for his family and this other woman. Yes the other woman is as stupid as me. I’ve made her aware of his behavior, but she took the “blind eye” and just bitched him out, which only sent him back home for awhile. His behavior has become so disgusting, I cannot stomach it anymore. I know he’s sick and have always known it, but hoped that one day he would come back to his senses. But seriously, like a broken glass, when glued back together it doesn’t look quite the same anymore. Hopefully the divorce will finally go through and I will have the opportunity to find happiness once more. To everyone out there experiencing this totally wasteful time in life…you can either stick it out, or move on. I’m choosing to move on. Good Luck to everyone.

December 25, 2010 at 12:38 pm
(55) mark says:

I have read alot of your comments and feel like I am reading my story. My ex felt all the same things and decided to leave like it was a business decision. totally non-caring. like me and the kids didnt matter. I hear this stuff from other friends who are experiencing the same things. All their stories are the same and the same experience as myself. It is sad that so many lives are devastated byselfishness.

December 26, 2010 at 4:04 am
(56) Double M says:

Amex to the post from “Been There Says”. In fact, I don’t have much to add—-you were spot on. I could have written that post. I’m in the middle of my husband’s MLC. UP to now, I have not been thinking there is somoene else, but now I am starting to think there is. We have 2 kids, live under the same roof and basically, from what I can see, he wants his cake and eat it to. Come and go as he pleases, stay in same residence in a separate room. I am getting my thoughts together and outlining everything. The thing I find is when you are at the other end of this…it’s hard to think. You become overwhelmed. Well, it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep, but I’m being constructive with the time and putting my energy into getting prepared to tackle this one head on. Trying not to be angry—channeling that…..next step is a mediator…since we are somewhat amicable most times, going that route first and hoping for the best. Good luck to all. This is hard and painful, but there is light at the end of the tunnel…I know there is.

January 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm
(57) rtraylor says:

I have been married to my husband 15 years. About 6 months ago out of nowhere my husband gets mad at me and tells me that he is done. Its like he changed overnight. I was trying to understand and work out our marriage when I found out that he had been messing with a 29 year old woman that works for the same company as he is. Hes 47. He never moved out but stayed gone all the time, bought new clothes and blew money. He even took all his money out of our account and opened one just in his name. We have a 14 year old daughter that he has always been crazy about. He wouldnt talk to her or have anything to do with her. He acted like we didnt exist. I know that all this is from a mid life crisis but he has put us through a living he.. . Well, two months ago he filed for a divorce. I dont know what hes going to do when he wakes up and gets through this and realizes that he has destroyed his family and marriage!

February 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm
(58) Njadh51 says:

Therapy for a person in MLC is difficult.They’re the last ones to think anything is wrong. Lie and deny become defense mechanisms they will use at will…even those who were previously very honest people. The average therapist or counseller who’s technique focuses on cognitive therapy (self-talk, journaling, and “go with your feelings”) plays right to the MLC and allows the MLC’er to validate all they are feeling. Some come out of it, some never do. Sadly in all likelihood the marriage is done…not the true reason for the MLC’er profound unhappiness, just a casuality. And yes…in most case they will have regret for the rest of their lives.

March 21, 2011 at 1:22 pm
(59) CantBelieveThisIsHappening says:

After reading about MLC, I absolutely feel this is what is going on with my husband and I’m shocked at how many are going through the same thing. He told me about a week ago that he’s not in love with me anymore and hasn’t been for a long time and wants a divorce. He said he’s tried to get the feeling back, but can’t. People have told him he should try to get help before leaving a 23 yr marriage, but he says we’ve tried everything and that’s just not true, we haven’t tried anything. He’s unwilling to go to a therapist or do anything to find out if he has unresolved issues or going through a MLC. I didn’t even know he felt this way and up until the day he told me, he was always hugging and kissing me, telling me how much he loves me. Two weeks before he told me, he talked about the house he was going to build for us, talked about what we were going to do together when retired, just talked and acted like we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. However, during the past year, he started dieting and lost alot of weight, exercising and is seeing alot of progress, buying new clothes, changing the way he looks. I became worried when I saw all these changes, but trusted him when he told me “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry”. Life was better with him when he was heavier. I don’t want a divorce, I wish there was a way to get him to look at these issues before ending our marriage. Isn’t there some way to get him to look at this first? There has to be help out there somewhere.

March 25, 2011 at 11:13 pm
(60) LM says:

My Husband of 35 years up and filed for a divorce Sept. 2010. For those of you who are going thru this horrible roller coaster ride called MLC there is a great site to help you through this. Go to http://www.midlifeclubforum.com There you will find those who have gone through this years ago and many who are new.

March 25, 2011 at 11:24 pm
(61) craig says:

My wife of 25 years, 31 year relationship blindsided me for a divorce 2 1/2 months ago. She had a list of resentments and wanted out out out. We had not been fighting and everything seemed fine. She is 53 and in MLC. For years she had been sick and I hung in there through all her issues and lack of sex do to several surguries on her female areas. She said I wasn’t there for her and wasn’t a partner and wanted more romance. We are now in separation and counseling but she is very negative. I feel she is almost a different person that I hardly know. She says she doesn’t want to be an adult and has to find herself. I love her and don’t want disolution. What do I do.

May 7, 2011 at 9:30 am
(62) Sue says:

My husband of 31 years announced he was in a midlife crisis. In reality, he had already found a younger, thinner woman he just wanted to take to bed. He refused to go to counseling with me, refused help of any kind. We are now divorced and he is trying to force my four children to accept this new woman. I am living alone in a small apartment after all the years of planning a loving and comfortable retirement. My counselor said his crisis stems from a bad relationship with his mom in childhood, wherein she failed to provide love. He said I never supported him. The last 5 years (after his mom re-entering the picture for more support) he has pulled further and further from me. He said we were just 2 different people, living 2 different lives — who allowed this??
The divorce has been devastating on my adult children and he seems totally oblivious, saying, they are adults, they will get over it. How selfish can he get, and will the affair last long? This was his 2nd, and I don’t want him back, just keep the immorality to himself, not inflict it on my kids.

July 25, 2011 at 8:09 pm
(63) Mary says:

Wow, so many of us going through the same thing. I too thought I had a good marriage, to a great guy. We were talking about renewing our vows next year, after being married twenty years. He also started losing weight, working out, being hyperfocused on his appearance. he had been stressed, but said it was his job. After a month of brooding, and a night away to “see if he missed me”, decided it was our marriage and that he had “changed”, with me no longer able to make him happy. Who is he kidding, this is about him making himself happy. We all need to hang in there as devastating as this is. We don’t have any kids to drag through this, which is a blessing in some ways, a curse in another, as it is a terribly lonely time. He has not filed for divorce yet, but I am sure that will come. I am trying to stay strong and not make this about me, as this is his soul searching mission, and I hope he finds what he thinks he needs, and can appreciate the costs of this selfish decision. It is all just so sad…….

August 17, 2011 at 2:42 am
(64) Danielle says:

My boy and I was together for almost 3 years. He’s 32 and I’m 26. We have are issues like everyone else but here lately we separated because he’s thinking he want to be in his old lifestyle. Being single. Doing what single men do. So I let him. Am I wrong for this. I know he’s going through a mid life crisis. And he agrees. But how long do I hold on for. How long do these last? What can I do to help him?

August 26, 2011 at 4:24 pm
(65) Felipe says:

This article is heart breaking. I see my wife of 12 years in this article. She started a new job back in March, lost weight and looking great, have a new circle of friends, happy hours, etc and decided that she wants to take time to “figure things out” between us. We have three beautiful kids and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been told that I have to be patient and let her figure things out, but it’s heart breaking to see that she no longer see me as her soul mate. My life is pretty much on hold until she decides. I don’t know how long I can do this…

September 22, 2011 at 8:43 pm
(66) Mike says:

Where to begin? My wife of 15 years and mother of our two teenage children will be 36 soon. Over the last year she has abandoned her faith, become “friends” with 2 female subordinates of hers at work both of whom are nearly 10 years younger than her and cheated on me with a 19 year old drug addict from our daughters addiction treatment therapy group. WTF! She began dressing like a high school girl, smoking and drinking. She hasn’t smoked since she was 19 ad has never been a drinker. Now she is on Xanax for stress/anxiety and ambien to help her sleep. She is also seeing a psychologist once a week. Evidently it’s all my fault and had I been a better husband none of this would have happened. I filed for a divorce and had the case dismissed before she was served. Our daughter ended up relapsing on my wife’s pills that she left out. Knowing full well that our 16 year old daughters drug of choice was prescription meds, she left them out anyways! Once my daughter’s screen came back positive she was admitted to an inpatient addiction treatment facility. That coupled with the prospect of a divorce was more than I could bare. I still love my wife so much and am having an impossible time with everything that is going on right now. She has become so cold and distant that we are unable to even talk without her becoming hostile. What do I do? Do I suffer immeasureably and pray that she pulls it together or do I or leave and start over? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

September 23, 2011 at 12:21 am
(67) Cathy Meyer says:

Mike, why do you feel you have to do anything? Why don’t you stop attempting to talk to your wife about her behavior and start focusing on taking care of yourself and your daughter.

Your wife is in control of her life. There is nothing you can do about the choices she is making right now. You are in control of your life, start making choices that give you piece of mind.

If that is divorce then file for a divorce. If it isn’t then get a life of your own while waiting to see if your wife is going to come out of her crisis.

Below is a link to an article I would like you to read. I wish you and your family the best.

How to Respond to Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis

September 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm
(68) Mike says:

That’s just it. She was my life.

She was the kindest most compassionate, honest, sensitive, loving person that I’ve ever known. Then out of nowhere my whole life gets flipped upside down and inside out. I have a 15 year old son as well who is equally devastated and shocked by what has happened to his mother. Last night he told her that he feels like he’s talking to an alien when he speaks to her. My daughter said that it’s like talking to a stranger. It’s her voice and her face but the things coming out of her mouth are not her.

This pain is getting worse not better. Everyday I feel as if I’m dying from the inside out. How can this happen so suddenly, without any warning and be such a polar opposite to the person she was?

We’re going on 2 months since she went off of the deep end end with no signs of improvement. I don’t know how much more I can take and whether or not I can survive this. This is far and away the worst time of my life.

My friends tell me that I’m in so muc pain because I held her in such high regard. She was perfect to me.

October 19, 2011 at 10:25 am
(69) SMJ says:

My ex husband went through this early at 32 years old and completly ruined our marriage. He was a totally different person. He never believed in cheating or divorce and all of the sudden he was cheating on me and wanted out. In the end, we ended up divorced and my three kids were left wondering what happened to thier dad.. NOW my father is going through this but his is a late life crisis. He is doing all of the above except cheating. him and my mother have been married for 40 years. I dont want to see him ruin his life and be completly miserable. I dont know what to do to help him. I tried helping my ex with it and I couldnt. They just wont listen to reason until it’s too late and everything is destroyed. They turn into a different person. Not themselves at all.. My ex would do anything to get me back now. He is misearble and I truly feel terrible for him, but I cant go back there. There would never be any trust.. I have found my soulmate and he loves me and my kids more than life itself. This is a hard road to go down for anyone, so I pray for everyone on here!

May 8, 2012 at 5:15 pm
(70) Tawnya says:

mlc got the best of my husband of 32 years.We had ups and downs like any normal marriage but we always seem to work through them til this last episode…3 years ago he said he wanted a divorce and didnt love and never did love me.Them words killed me but i had a feeling he was going thru a mlc so for 3 months I hung in there .Then one day he told me he was looking at houses I said why? I thought you wanted a divorce he said yes I do you can live there till you find somewhere else to go.I was devastated he actually bought a home without even letting me know he was looking so I knew it was time for us to go our seperate ways.I only was working part time and in order to get fulltime with my employer I had to transfer to a new store out of state leaving behind my 2 grown sons and grandson I new I had to do what I had to do to survive. I found a place to live until my transfere .He found out I was moving out of state and never spoke or saw me again for over 2 yrs.I am thinking he didnt think I would have the guts to leave and I couldnt make it on my own but I called his bluff and proved to him I am not just a piece of meat and I can do it on my own.I just saw him last week and was totally blown away at who and what I saw.He was the most racist man I ever met for 32 yrs and now he is living with a black woman? He now has long hair died dark black a full white gray beard and looks like he is strung out on drugs. If that is what mlc is all about he is one suffering individual and better hope he is happy with what he has because this woman will never accept his sorry a** back.He has lost respect from all who know him including his own parents and kids.He will be 53 years of age and thinks he is 25 again.

May 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm
(71) HELP says:


May 22, 2012 at 4:41 pm
(72) dazed and confused says:

Wow, after reading all of these stories i am convinced I am in a MLC…I have been married for almost 22 years…My husband has never been much in the emotion department and I think he may be going thru his own MLC….neither of us believe in cheating but we are also not meeting each others’ needs. We have had a lot of emotional trauma in our lives with our children in the last 3 years and that has certainly not helped. I am in therapy and hope it will help…not sure I can get him to go nor do i think he would ever admit he is having a crisis….Any feedback would be appreciated

June 9, 2012 at 9:55 am
(73) blindsided says:

My husband of 36 years said softly he thought something was missing and he was crying in his truck for no reason. We had just moved to our retirement home in the country which we had spent 15 years remodeling and preparing to live in. Also, we had just sold our home of 20 years. We had a wonderful marriage and I cherished both the ups and downs. Our grand children were the love of our lives as our children. He was always a hard worker and his route business was failing to make money, so he decided to retire and we were going to live off my retirement. Since I was busy with the move and the remodel, I didn’t realize he was taking so much money out of the joint account for the past two years. He also gave money to a ” friend” while our kids were struggling . One day he came home, packed a few things, and left. He said he needed space and was unhappy with his life. Unhappy with his life? He had a loving family, a beautiful home in the country, boy toys like a tractor, bobcat, a new truck you name it. We hadn’t taken a vacation for many years because our time was spent at the country home, but we had planned to travel when we retired. All that went up in smoke and he filed for divorce three weeks after he left. It’s been seven months and I haven’t seen or talked to him and he has had very little contact with his kids. Third parties have told me he blames this on me although he’s virtually carried out the divorce by himself.His parents have bought into his story about how unhappy he’s been for the last 20 years and they aren’t any help. I don’t know if he has someone else, but I’m sure he’s getting sex somewhere and that kills me too because we were both pure when we married and our marriage was built on trust for so long. It’s been gut wrenching and hurtful. I’ve felt so empty and alone and betrayed that words can’t describe the life I’m living.

June 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm
(74) Been there too says:

Comment 46 “Been there” expresses my feelings to a “T”. I only hope that the experience does not “ill effect” my children with their dealings with relationships. I pray that my son does not become the “selfish prick” that his father is.

June 25, 2012 at 12:26 am
(75) MM says:

All I can say is that this is my soon to be ex husband to the T. The best part is he’s only 28 (just turned).

For all you ladies out there of child bearing age, be sure to have him wear a condom or be on the pill.

After my husband starred acting weird and filed for divorce, I found out he had been cheating on me. Called him on it and we reconciled for a weekend. He suddenly “changed his mind” by Monday and still wanted out. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant w/our 2nd child.

I tried my hardest to work things out w/him but he’s become so selfish and apathetic that its no use. So here I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and alone. I keep praying that he’ll wake up but its not going to happen. The guy I once knew is gone and what’s left is a shell of a person -an empty vessel.

June 30, 2012 at 2:13 am
(76) Tom says:

Im a gay man. For 12 years my partner and I were together, partners in life, and seemingly happy. Everything he’s done makes it clear he’s in a MLC. He’s got the sports car and at 56 he’s taken a 28 yr old lover. It’s a real 180.
Of course I cant believe he’s never visited his beloved cat and our dachshunds. We are in the midst of finalizing our divorce – it’s so damned sad. Everything seemed fine. I should’ve known – he’s been seeing the same therapist for 19 years 3times a week! What can I do? Continue. Move forward. Not look behind. Ignore all thoughts of “why” – ignore all thoughts that I lost my best friend. Find a new partner that appreciates and loves me. Continue boldly. I do that, but ya know what? internally I feel devastated, lowly, and cast aside. Worthless. Worth nothing. MLC is a selfish and cruel line of thinking that destroys families, separates friends, and kills futures. Oh boy. I must hold onto the fact that I will be happy again- perhaps even happy enough to be grateful that he did this to us. But I dont know. I suspect I will always think what we worked on had value and was worth the effort. I’ll never know if it would have worked out in the end. But that’s just it – life is a journey and the fat lady has yet to sing on this issue and my life. Time will tell. I want so much to be held and loved by someone that I respect and honor. In time I will be. I am a damned good – and handsome – man at 52. Let’s all move forward into a brighter light of hope and love. Screw these partners who did their selfish 180. I feel like an idiot that I am let a mentally ill person control my attitude and mind. OY!

July 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm
(77) Scott says:

I feel for all of you who have posted. Particularly, those with children. I am right in the middle of all this. Married for 18 years with two school age boys.

Does this sound familiar? “I love you, but am not IN LOVE with you.” which has changed to “I don’t love you any more”, started working out, losing weight, protects phone like it’s made out of diamond, changed FB password, just wants to be alone, angry that I am trying to change the things she has complained about for years, and doesn’t know if it’s worth it to try and save the marriage.

We are both in counseling, and maybe marriage counseling. I’m not optimistic. I’ve gone from blaming myself (granted there are plenty of things I could have done better) to understanding that she is broken. Until she gets her emotional and psychological problems resolved, nothing I can do will make any difference (other than to make things worse).

I’m just working on being the best father and person I can be and praying that my wife can get herself together before it’s too late for our family and our marriage. God bless all of you. I’ll be praying for you.

October 3, 2012 at 9:10 pm
(78) John says:

My wife was changing a little over 5 years ago and started becoming distant and upset with everything in her life. Four years ago, we got into a stupid argument over Halloween Candy and she contacted our sons therapist and things went downhill quickly. By Christmas 2008, I received the not in love with you speech. Fast forward four years and I have made things as stable as possible for my kids 18 and 20. My life has been hell and nothing has changed for her. I now have a secret desire to just pack up and move to another country. I feel resentment to the kids who have never put one effort to help us cope with the situation. I’ve been through three jobs, when prior to her MLC I worked for one company many years. I feel a lot of pent up anger that is probably my own MLC brewing. Come June when the younger one graduates HS, she takes over and I’m of to a cheap foreign country.

Her father did the same thing and now I’m afraid my kids will follow suit. I can’t live with this selfishness anymore and express sadness for every person in this predicament on this board.

October 10, 2012 at 11:16 am
(79) Dazed and Confused says:

Just two months ago, I confronted my husband, and asked why he refuses to spend time with me on the weekends. He’s always wanting to go tho his sister’s to hang out. Upon me aksing this question, his reply was that he was trying to fall out of love with me and that he is having feelings for his ex-wife, who is also married. They have been going through emotional stress…their first born is battling a herion addiction, in which resulted in constant communication. Then he tells me, he’s ready to retire and moved out of state. We have been married for five years…I’ve tried to tell him, dealing with his son’s addiction has caused him to exprience MLC and depression all in one. He refused to go to counseling to work throught this. He will only communicate with me through emails and text messages. Communication is based on things thats not related to our marriage. He has moved out and staying with his sister for almost two months. He hasnt yet mentioned wanting a divorce, but my fear is he will, because there’s no desire to work on our marriage. Good to know I’m not alone.

November 7, 2012 at 8:26 pm
(80) joanne says:

In june 2011, my husband of 25 years said that he wants to fall in love with someone else. We went to counseling. The counselor said that he doesn’t have anybody else. I said he’s lying. A women knows.
In November 2011 he admitted to looking up his ex g.f. from 30 years ago. They are in love, soul mates, she brings out the best in him, they are leaving their families to be together. He said all of this in front of our 15 year old son.
I begged him to forget about her and work on us. I didn’t want to lose our marriage. He said he wanted an open marriage.
We went to counseling and he tried for 5 days. He said that he has no emotional connection to me like he does to her. Emotional conncection is more important to him then physical connection at his age (50).
In July of 2012 he said that he didn’t want me or our marriage. I filed for divorce.
He is still living in the home. He wanted the divorce and his freedom but he will not leave. He’s claiming that he has a home at the beach. Told me that I better get a second job because I’m not getting much for alimony because he needs to pay for his home. My lawyer said don’t listen to the B.S. He wants you to react.
The holidays are coming. I am finally at the acceptance stage. I’ve come full circle. The denial stage, begging stage, the uncontrollable stage where my dr. said that I’m having a nervous breakdown.
I’ve been diagnosed with stress induced IBS. Not fun!
He told me that he is so happy about the divorce. What a guy.
He needs to leave. When he isn’t here it is such relief. He’s texting under the counter, running to the garage with his cell phone. Again, wanting me to react. I could care less. There are more fish in the sea, or I’ll be happy alone without all the B.S.

November 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm
(81) Sammy S. says:

My wife is in her 8th month of a mid-life crisis and identity issue that is quite remarkable. After 22 years of what I thought was a decent marriage, she became a different person. I mean completely different. In late April – apparently building up for some months, years, who knows … she decided that she felt like she was living someone else’s life and became ultra unloving, tremendously selfish, and very much like a single 49-year-old woman. She started losing weight and dressing like a 20 year-old. She dropped her religion completely and picked up reading erotic novels and hanging out with her girl friends several times a week. She is pained to hug or kiss and while she was never one who seemed to relish sex, she has become what used to be known as frigid. She took a vacation by herself for a week leaving me and my teenage son at home while our daughter is off at college. She said the vacation was “empowering.” She has stopped doing anything in and around the house – from cooking or cleaning, to talking and walking around the block. Her time at home consists of drinking wine, watching crime and sex dramas on TV and sleeping. I now do everything to keep up the household, from paying bills on-line to , well everything. I don’t mind; I like being busy. She is pained to talk to me about anything but says the feelings she has now is “bizarre”- as if she can’t help herself. She won’t go to counseling and believes she is mentally fine. Neither of us have cheated on the other, as far as both of us know. We were never real swingers and we always seemed to love each other.

November 21, 2012 at 1:55 am
(82) presley says:

i never believe in spell, not untill i fell a victim. there was this lady i love so much’ inspite all i did to prove my love, she seems not to feel any thing for me. as a result of this i was forced to contact this great priest! called Lord ogadike who cast a love spell on her, ever since that day she can’t stay without seeing me and right now, we are planning of getting marry soon. once again thanks alot (lord.ogadike@aol.com) for giving me this wonderful lady i seems not to deserved.

January 2, 2013 at 8:13 pm
(83) Baffled says:

20 years together 12 married- twos kids 7 and 9,,,,two years ago she gives me the “I love you but am not in love with you” knife in the throat.
She has no close family members, my family and I supported her wholeheartedly as a part of our large family. No infidelity until that point by her which suddenly unravelled everything we built together. She just got a tummy tuck, breast enhancement and looks like something off the Vegas strip as opposed to the sweet cute , beautiful woman that she was.
Her Mlc derailed all of our dreams and promises to both us and the boys.
She left all of her friends and doesn’t t speak to her family anymore either. It is so sad to see someone deteriorate like that but worse to be on the losing end of the mental anguish built up inside her head. We had it all and now are just existing day to day. Divorced now and have moved on even though I find myself thinking about her still.

January 3, 2013 at 6:45 pm
(84) Betrayed Dewayne says:

WoW. I really didn’t think this was happening to us. My wife flipped. She’s only 27 years old. I’m 8 years older. Been together since she was 17. I didn’t know how old she was until after I’d fallen for her. We talkeda bout it, took it very slow and married many years later.

We have a 3 yo daughter. ALthough I had talked mean to her sometimes and didn’t help with the housework all the time, I had gotten better and been more loving etc. THought things were great. We started a business. Before selling house I asked her “before we move forward I need to know that you’re 100% happy with me and our marriage” She said absolutely.

Long story short, she started hanging out with the help from the haunt more than me. Locked our 3 yo in the bedroom to go party (she never paried) and she got high. I found her at the OM’s place in a party at 3:30 am. She’s NEVER done sh.t liket his. Now the OM is gone out of the picture she’s telling me that she’s done, didn’t think I was her soulmate, needs soul searching, needs time and space (but still getting Divorced, will be final in a few weeks) Our daughter is having issues already with the split. She just doesn’t care. WE lost everything! Barely have our tv and our clothes.Nothing left, no money, no savings.

She showed all the symptoms of all the MLC sites I’ve seen. My 2 counselors said she was in one. SHE and her friends and family are all probably encouraging her to get the divorce and telling her “no you’re fine. Leave him, you like Jerry, go with him” I can see it now. ..a;lsdjg;oaisjdgpiagspdjoijfojaspaifjspjdf

11 years wasted. 3 yo daughter going to have a heck of a issue dealing now. All the money, gone. All the cars, gone. And she says she’s happy, living in a trialer with 2 families, no ride. 2 parttime jobs that are losing hours by the week and not having enough money. I’m a loving, forgiving devoted father and husband, and she’s throwing the family away like scraps. PATHETIC!

January 15, 2013 at 7:29 am
(85) pam says:

My husband and i have been married for one year. We also have a 10 month old daughter and three days ago he told me he wasnt happy. But when i asked about getting divorced he said he didnt want me to leave. I am so broken and so utterly confused. I am so happy and i wouldnt change my life. I love this man. he is the man of my dreams. Please someone who has been married for a long time please give me some advice. I am 23 he is 25 and we have been together for 2 years. Is this just a time that is overwhelming to him and can be fixed or should i just walk away.

March 8, 2013 at 11:00 pm
(86) Sad and Alone says:

My husband & I have been married for over a year & about a month ago he told me he was unhappy. We were smack in the middle of planning for our future, trying to have a baby & buy a house, & he dropped this bomb on me. At first, he didn’t blame his unhappiness on me but instead blamed some unresolved childhood issues. He voluntarily started going to therapy, so I thought he was on the right path and was supporting him. Over the course of 3 weeks he became so cold, distant, unresponsive & unemotional towards me. Every time I tried to talk to him he alluded to the fact that he felt like his unhappiness was stemming from our relationship. He was finding every excuse possible as to why our relationship made him unhappy. At first he said he was unhappy for a month, then 5 months, then 8 months, then he said he had doubts before the wedding & finally said he was never as happy as he could have been throughout our entire relationship. Nothing he said made sense. He absolutely refused to go to therapy together, not even one session. It is now only 5 weeks since this whole thing started & he has taken all his stuff, moved out and demanded a divorce. I have tried everything in my power over the last 5 weeks to make this work, support him and help him but I am now at a loss. I know he is going through a MLC, but at the same time know he won’t listen to me -he has to figure it out for himself. I just hope it doesn’t take too long.
Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. I try to control my emotions but sometimes it is impossible. I am so sad, hurt, betrayed, angry and devastated. I just cannot believe someone could change so quickly & basically become a stranger. We have been madly in love for almost 5 years & it’s unfathomable that it will all be thrown away over the course of 5 weeks.

March 9, 2013 at 9:02 am
(87) Losing Faith says:

I asked my husband to move out 2 weeks ago. He is addicted to opiates and has been for awhile. I had been ignoring the problem for the last few years of our 7 year relationship and have gained around 30 pounds dealing with the stress of it. I put up with it for so long because we have 3 childen and I was scared to be alone. In January, I had to go out of town on a business trip so I reluctantly left my husband to care for our children to only get to my destination and have to immediatly return home because he had OD’d on Xanax and failed to take our 2 year old to daycare. I called the police and they sent an ambulance and luckily waited with my daughter until I could get home. This being said, I believe this incident has thrown ME into a midlife crisis. I’m 32 and all I can think about now is getting away from my husband and starting a new life! Our lease is up in our current home so I am renting a new home for myself and our children in the mountains and I couldn’t be more excited for a change. But, more drasticly, I want to cut my hair, get it highlighted, lose 30 lbs, buy new clothes, etc. I feel empowered and motivated to be doing something for me for once but I’m wondering now if it is the wrong way to feel and if its just a MLC or just me finally finding myself? Should I be trying to save my marriage or moving on?? Why didn’t I have this motivation before within our marriage? Idk…

March 10, 2013 at 9:41 am
(88) Confused says:

I am currently going through exactly what everyone is describing. Over the course of only 1 month, my husband became a different person, one that was stone cold, unloving and closed off, and has even packed up his stuff, left our home and demanded a divorce. He won’t even go to therapy because his says our problems are ‘unfixable’, yet I didn’t even know we were having problems. At this point any attempt I make to talk to him only makes things worse – he is a totally irrational person. He cannot give me any straight answers or reasons why this is happening – all he keeps saying is that he is unhappy. I am so scared he is making a life altering decision in a foggy state of mind and won’t snap out of this state until it is too late.

I am at a loss for what to do. I have reached out to his family and friends, written him letters and emails, have had long, heartfelt conversations and nothing helps. It’s as if I am talking to a random guy I was dating for 6 months and not the 5 year love of my life.

March 13, 2013 at 6:17 am
(89) Janet says:

Wow mid life crisis . I think me and my husband are both going through this .The difference is my husband doesn’t want to improve his thoughts and relationship .There times I want out but stay because I know I love him and my kids to much so I stop my self from letting these thoughts entering my head . Mean while my husband is in denial drinking in bars coming home at 3am even after I talk to him about his behavior he ignores me . He lies all the time he’s grumpy .when he with us he’s busy doing other things ignoring us .My kids even notice how grumpy he is. It sad because I been married for 13years . My husband has been talk to so many times about his behavior even his out side family notices it. His brothers and sisters but there’s nothing we can do.One time he was out late on a Friday my kid was sick I text and call and he ignored my calls well I was upset when he came home that day he was drunk and I was piss off . I didn’t talk to him for a week .He eventually apologize and I forgave him . After that I got a make over nice hair cut just to get his attention .Instead of complimenting me he complain why I cut my hair.Mean while my coworkers and male friends were telling me how beautiful I look. Our sex life zero .Now a days I ignore him and try to pretend it’s cool he just sick. But I told my self if I found out he’s cheating he’s getting the boot and I won’t hesitate to find another man who cares but hell no I won’t get married again . I will be done with that chapter .i’m only hoping it a phase and we can be happy again as a family. I just hope it will be soon because waiting kills time and I don’t want my years going by on a love who doesn’t love me in return.

March 19, 2013 at 10:31 pm
(90) Lady bug says:

I have a male friend who is married but seperated I try and encourage and support him.he has a lot of these symptoms he is a really good guy but he has very bad mood swings and just cuts me off and won’t speak acts acts as if I don’t exist but he says we are friends. So then I find myself sad wondering wat I did wrong or wat I did to add to his pain only to come on this website to read all about him and his mood swings and the rejection he tries to spew on to me. Wow I finally get it Midlife Crisis.

June 5, 2013 at 11:46 pm
(91) Rene says:

My husband just turned 38 yrs old. We have been together for 19 yrs…married for 17 yrs with 3 kids. My husband has struggled over the years with depression (he won’t admit that) but he does admit @ times he has tried to self medicate with drugs many years ago & alcohol most recently. He hasn’t drank for 9 months now. He has always felt because of his reckless lifestyle he won’t live back 50 or 60 yrs old. Most recently 6 weeks ago I caught him talking to an old lover & he says they are just friends it was someone to laugh with. Since then he has been playing poker every night staying in hotels because he said he needs his space & he wants to go to the World Series of poker this year. He says he loves me & we kiss & hug when he comes home to spend 5 or 6 hours a day then he goes back to playing poker. I don’t understand his emotions change daily.

June 11, 2013 at 4:41 am
(92) Mike says:

My original post was on September 22nd 2011 and this is my follow-up.

Being roughly 2 years removed from her MLC and now divorced from her for 14 months, I’m better!

Whatever it is that you’re going through with your significant other, you have to take care of yourself and children if you have them FIRST! There will be pain, tears, sleepness nights and reflecting on what you could have done to stop this, but if you allow them to, they will take you down with them.

Whether or not your relationship can or SHOULD be saved rests solely with your partner and nothing you do or say will make a difference.



October 29, 2013 at 12:07 pm
(93) kat says:

Wow all these comments glad Im not alone in this. But that does not change our situation. My husband Mark went from a loving devoted husband and father to a monster I do not know. Gor the passed four years he has truly put us all through hell. It started with his needto be physically fit and always looking good . Ok I had no problem with that I thought who does not want a husband with a nice body. From there I endured 4 affairs I know of as always not his fault I made him do it. He mentally has been abusive and always blamming me for his anger and frustration. He quit his job becsuse he did not feel there was a reason to keep it. Yet we have 4 kids. He purchased clithes only a 20 year old would wear constnly it was about how good he looks and how he attracts younger women. In the end before I threw him out all he did was cone home and sleep. How the bills got paid who took the kids to school and what went on this house he was not worried about nor his concern. If we had food in the refrigerator didnt matter. He spent at leat 14 to 16 hours away from home who he was with and what he was doing was not my concern and when I asked he would lash out and scream and yell. Everything he was and is going through was everybodies fault but his. He blamed me snd our kids for everything. I had to save my sanity and protect our kids.

October 29, 2013 at 1:38 pm
(94) kat says:

Wow each story as sad as my own. Thank God im not going crazy and not as insane as he would like me to be. We have been married for 25 yrs 19 of them the happiest we have been. Joined at the hip as some people told us.
When he turned 40 insanity and his behaviot was someone I did not recognize nor the person I married was no longer there. It started with starting to lift weights and starting a healthy lifestyle. Within weeks affair after affair started happening. His apperance started changing piece by piece from younger looking clothes to getting a haircut once a week. He started tanning and his once friends were a thing of the passed 20 year olds is who he hung out with.

Our kids endured 4 years of being ignored, yelled at put down and on our own. Each day was more extreme than the next. Right before I kicked him out he only csme home to sleep, sexlife was at zero and I could not ask a simple question eithout him lashing out in anger. Our kids and I were people he was trying to get away from and no longer needed in his life. I once beautiful and loving wife became his worst enemy because I wanted to spend time with him. It was always everybodies fault and he was doing nothing wrong.

If someone can survive it and get through it good luck and my hat off to you.

My sanity and our kids were not going to be sacrificed to let him live with us.

November 30, 2013 at 12:51 am
(95) Lin says:

I felt a little better, reading all of your stories. I have been married 33 years, to an intelligent successful selfish geek. I NEVER thought he would have an affair with someone at the office and then tell me we have nothing in common. I too thought of all the things I could have done better. But I always let him go first, let him be weird, let him do his thing because I thought he was devoted to me. I still feel love for him but don’t understand how he could betray me. I am struggling. Trying to build a new life but it is extremely difficult at 62 years old. What happened?

December 2, 2013 at 12:18 am
(96) jorge says:

these are a lot of symptons my wife has shown with the addition of weight loss, affair and finally divorce. threw away an 11 year union, 5 children and a granddaughter she just turned 42.

March 27, 2014 at 1:56 pm
(97) ms ann says:

WOW. I thought I was the only one left in the world confused. WoW.My husband for 23yrs who was my friend, my lover, my all. He pick me up from work July 21st , i should’ve known something was wrong, cause he never would pick me from work since my daughter had my car. He bought me a bluetooth. We went out that Friday, He got a text message from some lady saying call her when he get up in the morning. I read the text.Saturday Morning, I confronted him about the text message. He went to work and called me round about noon July 22nd 2012, and told me that he wasn’t coming back home ever. I thought that maybe he was in some kind of trouble i did not know, what MLC was until now. I lost my house, he had the car repo and he wants to divorce, he just talking to me and the girls. He treated me let he didn’t know who i was. I cried and lost weight, stop eating and everything. I didn’t understand.Every now and then he would text me and say that” I will always love you. One day last year he saw me and told me that he just wanted to be my friend with benefits. He tells me that he loves me and Yes I still love him. It seems like I cannot shake him off of me, this behavior is not acceptable aids, and other diseases out there. Right now he is staying with his mom, how do you leave your home to go stay with your mom at age 45yrs old and his mom is loving it, she’s not helping him, she is encouraging his behavior. I don’t hate him, but karma is going to get him. God keep telling me to be still. But how long this is going to go on. I’m tried and lonely,

May 10, 2014 at 10:21 am
(98) Chezza says:

A lot of what I am readings is very familiar. Together 13 years married 6. I was wondering if anyone elses husband was taking anti depressants or anti anxiety medication before their personality change. My husband was the most attentive and loving man before starting medication for anxiety. Then he became a stranger who gambled uncontrollaby and acted like he hated me or like I was nothing to him anymore. He said things like we should go our seperate ways and all he wants is to be happy. He cares about nothing but himself and says and does the most awfull things. He has no emotions or feelings (except for himself). He had nothing when we met and I had money from a previous divorce that I shared happily with him for our future. Now all these years later he has a well paid position but we are still in a lot of debt from previous gambling debts. Now he just wants to live a selfish life and tells me all the money is his becuase he earns it. He acts like he is better than me and lies about everything. Tells me he loves me then acts like I dont exist for weeks at a time if I catch him in a lie. This has been going on for nearly 6 years over and over. I have reached the end after nearly having a breakdown. He has lost me his two stepdaugters and two grandchildren and doesnt care at all. He is like a robot with no feelings. I have tried everything to help him but now I know I can”t. Everyone we know can”t believe that he changed so dramatically and refuses to see it. Everyone knows how much he loved me before and how I loved him. Now I have anger and resentment that I am trying to deal with.

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