Stonewalling

Totally agree with this one. This is the reason the ‘great’ marriage I thought I was in ended this past March. My ex would never talk about a problem – just store it for 18 years until he exploded. For me – it was like getting a dump truck of 18 years of rubble dropped on top of you at one time. No one I know could survive it either!

I’m actually the one being stonewalled right now. I’ve tried to communicate with my husband face-to-face and through letters without any success. I thought we were partners, but it seems that only applies in his case when things are going good. Avoidance has been a common theme for awhile and I’m not exactly sure what to do. I’m in a marriage but feel so alone.

My husband has always done this and today I am very stubborn and against him.When ever tried talking to him he would not speak or react.Lots of time would walk out of the house or the place or would just end the topic.I am sick n tiered of the whole thing now and want to get rid of the situation

My wife and I do not talk to each other for 2 days even though I tell her I am sorry…..because I know I am the other half of the disagreement

This happened to me for a very long time except my husband was doing the stonewalling. Every time I would try to have a heartfelt conversation I would be stonewalled or told the problems did not exist. I would try and wait for calm moments, try and find times when I thought he would be receptive but in addition to stonewalling he would become angry and abusive. The more I tried, the worse it became. I finally filed for divorce this past February and will be out by the end of this month. The divorce should be final by October and I have custody of my children which is all I really care about.

I’m in the process of divorcing my husband of 28 years. We never resolved a fight because he would always leave the house and refuse to talk it over. If I asked to talk about it later he would just storm out of the house again. After 27 years of this I left him for a man who does listen and talks things through, I never knew what a real relationship was like until now.

My husband has done the same thing. He has had emotional affairs the past few years and does not think he has done anything wrong. Says they are friends and just conversation. We seperated and was going to try to work on things, but he would not discuss anything. Said he is single, wants to date me on Saturdays but he can see anyone he wants, screw anyone he wants, but wanted to leave Saturdays for me. Everytime I try to discuss anything with him, telling him he needs a committment in order to work things out and resolve confilcts he would hang up on me. Does not want to discuss it. It is so frustrating to try to talk to someone that avoids any conflict issue. Now he blames me for the marriage seperation. He has someone new in his life now he says, but plays head games with me by saying he missess me, can not shake me, and he can not get me out of his mind. He still will not discuss anything with me, each time the subject is brought up he hangs up on me. Because of his head games, and the frustration there are times that it seems like I am going crazy because of the frustration, and the anger and frustration is coming out of me because of it.
It is hard, but the mental and emotional abuse he is creating has me hating him more and more each day. I am no longer trying to resolve the marriage. There is no hope anymore I know that, but it is hard to let go. When I as him if he wants a divorce he does not answer me, when I ask him if he wants to reconcile this marriage I get he does not have crystal balls, he does not know what the futre holds.
Stonewalling has destroyed our marriage. And the fighting and arguing that it has caused because he would not discuss or resolve issues.
From my own experience, the stonewalling has created a lot of anger, and resentment to the point that it has caused a lot of physoclogial damage to me, as well as emotional damage. I do not wish this on any one. In my mind stonewalling is a selfish act, one that the stonewaller thinks only of their own feelings, and not the other spouse, or partner.

I have been stonewalled by my wife for months. Even after going to a therapist and identifying stonewalling and how common it is and the fact that marriages do not survive it. I had to drag her to go to a counselor. She refuses to sit and have a heart to heart talk. When we do sit down to talk it turns into a criticism and a contempt fest. I am done. I am in the process of ending the relationship by moving out and then filing for divorce.

“Stonewalling” is a new word but not a new situation. My husband has been doing this to me in the past 20 years. There are also times when he’d deny what had happened when I try to discuss about the problems later on, making communication totally impossible. Now, I am fed up and don’t want to try to solve any problems between us. I know the only solution is getting a divorce.

27 years of stonewalling by my husband Any attempts by me to work on issues have always been written off as picking fights. How can you resolve something without discussion?

All those years gone down the drain — what a terribly waste of time for both of us, it has brought everything to an end.

I am the victim of a stonewaller. My husband is the one that keeps stonewalling. Nothing can ever be solved. He keeps promising to do something and when the 6 months are up or its May as he said he would do what he is suppose to do he keeps buying more and more time. He tells me maybe October. I am married a little over ten years now and I have waited years for my husband to go to a doctor so that we can have a child. I am almost forty now without a child and running out of time. I am waiting four years after the worst disaster in history for my husband to sell the home, get a job, and leave the disaster area to be with me in another safer location and city. Well we are separated for a little over two years now and I am still waiting for him to be with me and do something. But still nothing is done and i am just sick and tired of waiting and waiting for nothing to ever happen and to be left alone when he should be with me. The emotional pain is enormous. I think stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and a selfishness on the part of the stonewaller. I have tried everything but nothing works. Whether I stay or leave it doesn;t get him to do anything. He won’t budge. I am just through I can’t take it anymore. If anyone has any suggestion please respond and help me. I am at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do.

My wife stonewalls me. Nothing is ever discussed as the contempt for my feelings is obvious. I have no right to feel. If I need something, I am needy. If I try to talk about it I am apparently “whiny”. I live with a woman that uses her self-hate as a tool to remain lazy and selfish. Imagine how easy it is to pull that crutch out everytime I try to be affectionate, or need affection. How can people not realize how selfish it is to concern yourself with how much someone is asking of you, rather then taking responsibility for the love you say you have. Trust me folks, if you say you love someone, act like it, if not you are a waste of time and a Liar.

I too am a victim of the proverbial “I love you, but am not in love with you” What a cop-out ! Married 24 years and soon to be ex-wife will NOT discuss any issues..states I over-analyze, but at least I attempt to talk about things. She retreats into 12 hours of soap operas and Lifetime “victim” TV at night..I love the woman and am losing everything in the divorce, but just can’t deal with her hostile silence anymore. Life’s too short..

My wife told me 6 months ago she doesn’t love me (after losing a baby the previous week). For 6 months since she has stonewalled. At counselling everything was my fault – fromher lack of education, lack of job and everything in between. I feel like I have been through a one-way counselling process. She refuses to discuss or share anything and spends 12 hours a day hiding on facebook. If I try to discuss anything halfway through she will walk away to facebook. Well I have now reached the end of my tether and divorce is now inevitable. I only wish she had been honest enough to say it earlier. What a waste of 6 months.

I’ve been married one time. Not only was I emotionally stonewalled for most of the two years we were married, I was the one who was left … and I got the “I love you, but am not in love with you” line. And in dating, I’ve still had to experience the same drama. My hopes that there is a sincere, willing, and transparent person out there have so far met with bubkis, there just seems to be too much emotional instability out there.

I didn’t know there was a word for this, but it’s exactly what my husband does to me. We haven’t even been married three years yet and it’s already destroyed the marriage. Rather than discuss problems, he just waits for them to go away. They never do go away, I just become more resentful every time I have to swallow my feelings. The rare occasions he will talk, he does so for about five minutes, turns away and says he has lost interest. It hurts so much to be treated so poorly. I’m just grateful I only wasted three years on him.

OMG! You mean to tell me it’s not all in my head, I’m not crazy and I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to get out! It’ll be 11 years in three days. I wish someone would have told me sooner….too bad they don’t teach this in high school for those of us who got married right after graduation.

I am moving out of our house tomorrow as I cannot stand the emotional torture of stonewalling, we have been married two years and I am hearbroken

Folks! Victims of “stonewalling”? It has also been called “passive-aggressive behavior”…& one of the many horrible & dangerous behaviors of those with NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY. After 30 years with my man(we met at colloge at age 18),,25 years married…I divorced Jan last year. The last 5 years of this relationship,many of the following NP traits in my man,,,,became proufoundly intensified.Its as if any previous masks of “what a nice,tender,devoted,”christian”, husband went out the window. Do any of these behavioral traits sound familiar: A sense of entitlement; Double-standard..whata “good for the goose is not good for the gander”; Logic-twisting meant to confuse you,diminish you, increase your sense of self-doubt?; you get these behaviors on & off ,,diluted forms mixed with an array also of the good Dr Jeklyn emergeing.He’s (or she) is probably the one who seduced/lured you at first.You were made to feel they were intensely crazy about you….but they are like Count Dracula or Vampira. Remember…Its not you but what you have that they DONT. Similar to the Sociopath…not as severe… They are skilled at mimicing,like an actor, the behaviors of one like you.They are skilled at perceiving what it takes to entice their target.BUT the truth is they lack true emotional depth,or feeling(except their OWN pain). They KEY is: NARSICISSTIC people High on perception,”appear” what they believe you want …..VERY DANGEROUSLY LOW ON TRUE EMPATHY!…These traits remain ingrain & are a constant over time. I had 30 years to experience this & how I am even sane(shatteterd in places,yes,but still with a heart,soul,& mind) is a miracle. NEVER trust their words(as Jan Erik was more fully exposing contemptously Mr. Hyde,,to my horror & confusion)….LOOK ,over some time,their ACTIONS(toward the bitter end..he threw in my face..”oh,that promise, or that hurtful thing I said–just WORDS)..But, still like the Creepy Cat wanting not the mouse,but to torment..he refused to honestly let my hope die.I even entreated “Jan,I dont get it,,you treat me more & more in a way most would observe as a man who hopes the wife will just go.I’ll even be the “bad Guy”..but be clear on this marriage. No real answer. Double-Talk,,(Also another chronic trait is they NEED to appear to the outer world(to you,,at first,recall)as exemplery,,even “PERFECT”..(or the martyr).
They chose you,recall cause they saw in you the shining light of real depth that they lack.SENSING their own shallowness,feeling flat ,the world seen as them is grey,& lifeless,they are drawn,like the Seductive Vampire, to your LIFE. And take,& take,they give perhaps alot of tenderness,flattery..the promise of almost engulfing devotion…but secretly have a deathly conviction you will abandon them(and how dare you!!)
Many metaphors have helped me to finally divorce jan erik…Tempted to be destroyed by taking all of this confusing “I love you,love you not” stuff,consider this: see him or her not as the grown-up you love,though they act contemptously.SEE INSTEAD A STUCK AT AGE 2 TODDLER. THE 2 YEAR OLD LOVES,WORSHIPS MOMMY 1 MOMENT. What happens next moment? Lacking matured impulse control, & being age-appropraiately so, AMORAL…KICKS mommy’s shin with his little foot,shouting I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
Signing off for now–a fellow survivor,Aphrodite.

I found this article on stonewalling very enlightening. Glad that they actually have another word for being ‘ignored’. In a nutshell, I am not a perfect women. Married a high school sweetheart whom did love me, then went through a transitional typical in/out of relationship spell in the collegiate years and made our way back to each other. We had an ideal typical marriage by most modern traditional marriages. Bought a house,waited a few years in the marriage before having children to allow ourselves couples time. We were in agreement when having our first child, not so much on the second child. Somewhere after our first child I began to see the ‘change’ or the disconnect from our relationship as we were adapting as a new family. I loved everything about my life and was both in denial and threatened with the fear of losing my husband and also started to become negative of his absences.
Not realizing it, the foundation of our love for each other and our couples bond had like slowly crumbled. He thought nothing was wrong and that I should be happy with the way everything was planned out, but deep down I was hurting and missing him.
I tried to give him signs of my pain,but felt ignored. Eventually the ’stonewalling’ that I felt from him I turned to someone else for the attention.
It led to my worst mistake. the affair. Since then he lives with his mother and makes a routine nightly stop for a few hours a night. Everything in our house still intact like nothing has changed..but in light everything has. He ’stonewalls’ me everyday. Not wanting to talk about whether or not to work on the marriage or walk away. I have bought countless books on saving the marriage and followed the messages in them to a T, but sadly I see very little glimpses of an anti-stonewall progress that tells me he wants to work on us and our family and most importantly to forgive. Our dreams, our family and our life are in a ’stonewall’ state of being. No forward, No backward. As a christian woman, I can say that I think I have been to hell and back in this process.
One that I will never, ever repeat. I have been down the road of suicidal thoughts, thinking it would be my only way out. To make him feel my pain, make him realize what he can be left behind. I want him to feel guilt of abandonment, to make him have to be the father that I have always wanted him to be, and to forgive himself and me for all the mistakes that was made. I used to think this would give him a fresh start..but the only thing that saved me from making such a fatal decision is the gift of the unconditional love my children have given me and that I have for my children. They are the angels that brought me back from the hell. I am now faced with the decision whether to continue the ’stonewalling’ effect that has become my life or finally let the love of my life go. I ask for everyone out there to pray for me as I promise to share this story(whether good or bad) with others.

My husband of 22 years did this to me along with all of the other passive aggressive behaviors including withholding sex. I wish I would have read this years ago, it would have saved me a lot of frustration. I finally left him last year and I feel free! Thank you God! I now know abuse doesn’t have to be only physical.

I have been married for 20 years, most of those years have been filled with conflict with my husband. Though I didn’t use the term “stonewalling” I knew something wasn’t right the way we handled our arguments, (or non-handled is the better way to describe it). Whenever there is conflict, he always turns it around on me. “If you did a better job cleaning the house there would be no argument” or “Just don’t–fill in the blank–and then I wouldn’t get angry”. I guess I have come to the realization that this is a form of abuse, although I was in denial for years. You can’t have a healthy marriage when half of that marriage partnership is incapable of accepting any responsibility for their actions. But I have learned that you can’t argue with an irrational person. Even though I have not yet left the marriage, I know that I soon will because I’m at a point now where I don’t care anymore about resolving anything with him. I have given up and an just biding my time until my youngest graduates from college in two years. It’s sad, but I’m looking forward to a new life and possibly having a nornal, healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t disregard my feelings and puts the blame for everything on me.

Stonewalling is precisely what led me to an affair I’d have never entered in to had my husband been approachable and amenable to working on issues. Years later he is still a closed book. I do consider my coping means wrong. But when your this desperate, you will do anything for comfort — even humiliate yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere and undermining to one’s self esteem.

Well, after reading this, at least now I know I am not crazy… My husband does this all the time. He comes from a family where every day is a new page and from which the previous day’s issues are no longer issues and should be forgotten. So I look like the crazy one who holds on to past grudges… It will be 5 years of marriage tomorrow – don’t know how we made it.. He is a great father, but in the process of becoming a father, he has lost his touch for being a husband. I have never felt so neglected and alone in this relationship and I don’t know what to do to avoid a divorce, which scares me. I am tired of trying, I really am, specially since I see no effort on his part. I feel like I have been extremly supportive and that if things would’ve been the other way around, he wouldn’t have put up with what I’ve put up with.. Not sure what to do…

After 32 yrs., I filed for divorce. My husband is a passive agressive, narciccist who doesn’t believe in discussing anything. Actually, I think he is stuck at the age of 10 when his mother passed away from cancer. Emotionally his is 10 in a physical body of 58, I always felt like his mother. He was physically & emotionally abusive getting worse w/age. I waited until the day our daughter graduated from College then told him to get out. 5 mo. later, I am happy for the lst time in 25+ yrs., just sad I couldn’t do this sooner. My daughter needed a father, but I also needed a man as a partner. I now realize I was raising 2 kids. For those of you wondering what to do, there are several good books on these issues; read them. Don’t continue waiting for someone who can never “grow up”. Life is way to short!