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Cathy Meyer

Stonewalling

By April 15, 2008

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I have a friend who is having marital problems. She deals with the problems by stonewalling. She refuses to cooperate with her husband in finding solutions to the problems. She rebuffs any attempt he makes at discussing the problems by leaving the house. This woman is always going shopping or running down to the local Farmer's Market to pick up some fresh vegetables. She is busy doing everything she can think of except participating in communication with her husband over the marital problems.

In other words, her actions are pushing him closer and closer to filing for divorce. In my opinion, stonewalling is the number one reason marriages end up in divorce court. People like my friend who refuses to engage in authentic and heartfelt discussion with their spouse are passively destroying the relationship.

Nothing is more frustrating than tying to work through a problem with a spouse who refuses to work with you. I can say this due to my own personal experience. Marriage comes with a certain amount of conflict and if you are not willing to engage in the conflict...in a fair and civil manner, you should not expect your marriage to survive. Better yet, you should not be surprised when your marriage fails.

My friend, she will be surprised. She will be surprised because in her mind she is doing herself and her husband a favor by stonewalling. She has this skewed belief that the less fighting the healthier the marriage. She believes that problems ignored disappear on their own. Is she ever going to be surprised when she finally learns that problems ignored only grow into problems that can only be solved in divorce court.

What did you do the last time your spouse came to you with a problem? Did you grab your car keys and leave him/her alone to deal? Or, did you give your marriage and your spouse the respect they deserve and engage in a little authentic, heartfelt discussion?

More About Stonewalling:

How To Recognize and Fix Stonewalling in Marital Relationships

Happy Couples Fight

Comments
April 21, 2008 at 12:41 pm
(1) Pamela says:

Totally agree with this one. This is the reason the ‘great’ marriage I thought I was in ended this past March. My ex would never talk about a problem – just store it for 18 years until he exploded. For me – it was like getting a dump truck of 18 years of rubble dropped on top of you at one time. No one I know could survive it either!

April 21, 2008 at 6:34 pm
(2) Terry says:

I’m actually the one being stonewalled right now. I’ve tried to communicate with my husband face-to-face and through letters without any success. I thought we were partners, but it seems that only applies in his case when things are going good. Avoidance has been a common theme for awhile and I’m not exactly sure what to do. I’m in a marriage but feel so alone.

June 10, 2008 at 5:47 am
(3) Sangeeta says:

My husband has always done this and today I am very stubborn and against him.When ever tried talking to him he would not speak or react.Lots of time would walk out of the house or the place or would just end the topic.I am sick n tiered of the whole thing now and want to get rid of the situation

June 18, 2008 at 5:05 pm
(4) John says:

My wife and I do not talk to each other for 2 days even though I tell her I am sorry…..because I know I am the other half of the disagreement

August 5, 2008 at 3:51 pm
(5) Diane says:

This happened to me for a very long time except my husband was doing the stonewalling. Every time I would try to have a heartfelt conversation I would be stonewalled or told the problems did not exist. I would try and wait for calm moments, try and find times when I thought he would be receptive but in addition to stonewalling he would become angry and abusive. The more I tried, the worse it became. I finally filed for divorce this past February and will be out by the end of this month. The divorce should be final by October and I have custody of my children which is all I really care about.

November 5, 2008 at 1:10 pm
(6) Wendy says:

I’m in the process of divorcing my husband of 28 years. We never resolved a fight because he would always leave the house and refuse to talk it over. If I asked to talk about it later he would just storm out of the house again. After 27 years of this I left him for a man who does listen and talks things through, I never knew what a real relationship was like until now.

November 18, 2008 at 10:36 am
(7) Deb says:

My husband has done the same thing. He has had emotional affairs the past few years and does not think he has done anything wrong. Says they are friends and just conversation. We seperated and was going to try to work on things, but he would not discuss anything. Said he is single, wants to date me on Saturdays but he can see anyone he wants, screw anyone he wants, but wanted to leave Saturdays for me. Everytime I try to discuss anything with him, telling him he needs a committment in order to work things out and resolve confilcts he would hang up on me. Does not want to discuss it. It is so frustrating to try to talk to someone that avoids any conflict issue. Now he blames me for the marriage seperation. He has someone new in his life now he says, but plays head games with me by saying he missess me, can not shake me, and he can not get me out of his mind. He still will not discuss anything with me, each time the subject is brought up he hangs up on me. Because of his head games, and the frustration there are times that it seems like I am going crazy because of the frustration, and the anger and frustration is coming out of me because of it.
It is hard, but the mental and emotional abuse he is creating has me hating him more and more each day. I am no longer trying to resolve the marriage. There is no hope anymore I know that, but it is hard to let go. When I as him if he wants a divorce he does not answer me, when I ask him if he wants to reconcile this marriage I get he does not have crystal balls, he does not know what the futre holds.
Stonewalling has destroyed our marriage. And the fighting and arguing that it has caused because he would not discuss or resolve issues.
From my own experience, the stonewalling has created a lot of anger, and resentment to the point that it has caused a lot of physoclogial damage to me, as well as emotional damage. I do not wish this on any one. In my mind stonewalling is a selfish act, one that the stonewaller thinks only of their own feelings, and not the other spouse, or partner.

February 15, 2009 at 12:15 pm
(8) Joe says:

I have been stonewalled by my wife for months. Even after going to a therapist and identifying stonewalling and how common it is and the fact that marriages do not survive it. I had to drag her to go to a counselor. She refuses to sit and have a heart to heart talk. When we do sit down to talk it turns into a criticism and a contempt fest. I am done. I am in the process of ending the relationship by moving out and then filing for divorce.

March 20, 2009 at 8:48 am
(9) June says:

“Stonewalling” is a new word but not a new situation. My husband has been doing this to me in the past 20 years. There are also times when he’d deny what had happened when I try to discuss about the problems later on, making communication totally impossible. Now, I am fed up and don’t want to try to solve any problems between us. I know the only solution is getting a divorce.

March 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm
(10) G says:

27 years of stonewalling by my husband Any attempts by me to work on issues have always been written off as picking fights. How can you resolve something without discussion?

All those years gone down the drain — what a terribly waste of time for both of us, it has brought everything to an end.

April 10, 2009 at 12:10 am
(11) Heather says:

I am the victim of a stonewaller. My husband is the one that keeps stonewalling. Nothing can ever be solved. He keeps promising to do something and when the 6 months are up or its May as he said he would do what he is suppose to do he keeps buying more and more time. He tells me maybe October. I am married a little over ten years now and I have waited years for my husband to go to a doctor so that we can have a child. I am almost forty now without a child and running out of time. I am waiting four years after the worst disaster in history for my husband to sell the home, get a job, and leave the disaster area to be with me in another safer location and city. Well we are separated for a little over two years now and I am still waiting for him to be with me and do something. But still nothing is done and i am just sick and tired of waiting and waiting for nothing to ever happen and to be left alone when he should be with me. The emotional pain is enormous. I think stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and a selfishness on the part of the stonewaller. I have tried everything but nothing works. Whether I stay or leave it doesn;t get him to do anything. He won’t budge. I am just through I can’t take it anymore. If anyone has any suggestion please respond and help me. I am at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do.

April 27, 2009 at 12:16 pm
(12) Marcus says:

My wife stonewalls me. Nothing is ever discussed as the contempt for my feelings is obvious. I have no right to feel. If I need something, I am needy. If I try to talk about it I am apparently “whiny”. I live with a woman that uses her self-hate as a tool to remain lazy and selfish. Imagine how easy it is to pull that crutch out everytime I try to be affectionate, or need affection. How can people not realize how selfish it is to concern yourself with how much someone is asking of you, rather then taking responsibility for the love you say you have. Trust me folks, if you say you love someone, act like it, if not you are a waste of time and a Liar.

May 8, 2009 at 3:06 pm
(13) desertme says:

I too am a victim of the proverbial “I love you, but am not in love with you” What a cop-out ! Married 24 years and soon to be ex-wife will NOT discuss any issues..states I over-analyze, but at least I attempt to talk about things. She retreats into 12 hours of soap operas and Lifetime “victim” TV at night..I love the woman and am losing everything in the divorce, but just can’t deal with her hostile silence anymore. Life’s too short..

May 12, 2009 at 5:00 pm
(14) Kevin says:

My wife told me 6 months ago she doesn’t love me (after losing a baby the previous week). For 6 months since she has stonewalled. At counselling everything was my fault – fromher lack of education, lack of job and everything in between. I feel like I have been through a one-way counselling process. She refuses to discuss or share anything and spends 12 hours a day hiding on facebook. If I try to discuss anything halfway through she will walk away to facebook. Well I have now reached the end of my tether and divorce is now inevitable. I only wish she had been honest enough to say it earlier. What a waste of 6 months.

June 21, 2009 at 6:27 am
(15) Milt says:

I’ve been married one time. Not only was I emotionally stonewalled for most of the two years we were married, I was the one who was left … and I got the “I love you, but am not in love with you” line. And in dating, I’ve still had to experience the same drama. My hopes that there is a sincere, willing, and transparent person out there have so far met with bubkis, there just seems to be too much emotional instability out there.

June 26, 2009 at 4:39 pm
(16) maria says:

I didn’t know there was a word for this, but it’s exactly what my husband does to me. We haven’t even been married three years yet and it’s already destroyed the marriage. Rather than discuss problems, he just waits for them to go away. They never do go away, I just become more resentful every time I have to swallow my feelings. The rare occasions he will talk, he does so for about five minutes, turns away and says he has lost interest. It hurts so much to be treated so poorly. I’m just grateful I only wasted three years on him.

July 27, 2009 at 8:57 pm
(17) Nikki says:

OMG! You mean to tell me it’s not all in my head, I’m not crazy and I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to get out! It’ll be 11 years in three days. I wish someone would have told me sooner….too bad they don’t teach this in high school for those of us who got married right after graduation.

August 7, 2009 at 11:24 am
(18) lulu says:

I am moving out of our house tomorrow as I cannot stand the emotional torture of stonewalling, we have been married two years and I am hearbroken

August 18, 2009 at 11:18 am
(19) Aphrodite says:

Folks! Victims of “stonewalling”? It has also been called “passive-aggressive behavior”…& one of the many horrible & dangerous behaviors of those with NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY. After 30 years with my man(we met at colloge at age 18),,25 years married…I divorced Jan last year. The last 5 years of this relationship,many of the following NP traits in my man,,,,became proufoundly intensified.Its as if any previous masks of “what a nice,tender,devoted,”christian”, husband went out the window. Do any of these behavioral traits sound familiar: A sense of entitlement; Double-standard..whata “good for the goose is not good for the gander”; Logic-twisting meant to confuse you,diminish you, increase your sense of self-doubt?; you get these behaviors on & off ,,diluted forms mixed with an array also of the good Dr Jeklyn emergeing.He’s (or she) is probably the one who seduced/lured you at first.You were made to feel they were intensely crazy about you….but they are like Count Dracula or Vampira. Remember…Its not you but what you have that they DONT. Similar to the Sociopath…not as severe… They are skilled at mimicing,like an actor, the behaviors of one like you.They are skilled at perceiving what it takes to entice their target.BUT the truth is they lack true emotional depth,or feeling(except their OWN pain). They KEY is: NARSICISSTIC people High on perception,”appear” what they believe you want …..VERY DANGEROUSLY LOW ON TRUE EMPATHY!…These traits remain ingrain & are a constant over time. I had 30 years to experience this & how I am even sane(shatteterd in places,yes,but still with a heart,soul,& mind) is a miracle. NEVER trust their words(as Jan Erik was more fully exposing contemptously Mr. Hyde,,to my horror & confusion)….LOOK ,over some time,their ACTIONS(toward the bitter end..he threw in my face..”oh,that promise, or that hurtful thing I said–just WORDS)..But, still like the Creepy Cat wanting not the mouse,but to torment..he refused to honestly let my hope die.I even entreated “Jan,I dont get it,,you treat me more & more in a way most would observe as a man who hopes the wife will just go.I’ll even be the “bad Guy”..but be clear on this marriage. No real answer. Double-Talk,,(Also another chronic trait is they NEED to appear to the outer world(to you,,at first,recall)as exemplery,,even “PERFECT”..(or the martyr).
They chose you,recall cause they saw in you the shining light of real depth that they lack.SENSING their own shallowness,feeling flat ,the world seen as them is grey,& lifeless,they are drawn,like the Seductive Vampire, to your LIFE. And take,& take,they give perhaps alot of tenderness,flattery..the promise of almost engulfing devotion…but secretly have a deathly conviction you will abandon them(and how dare you!!)
Many metaphors have helped me to finally divorce jan erik…Tempted to be destroyed by taking all of this confusing “I love you,love you not” stuff,consider this: see him or her not as the grown-up you love,though they act contemptously.SEE INSTEAD A STUCK AT AGE 2 TODDLER. THE 2 YEAR OLD LOVES,WORSHIPS MOMMY 1 MOMENT. What happens next moment? Lacking matured impulse control, & being age-appropraiately so, AMORAL…KICKS mommy’s shin with his little foot,shouting I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
Signing off for now–a fellow survivor,Aphrodite.

August 21, 2009 at 3:43 pm
(20) Danielle says:

I found this article on stonewalling very enlightening. Glad that they actually have another word for being ‘ignored’. In a nutshell, I am not a perfect women. Married a high school sweetheart whom did love me, then went through a transitional typical in/out of relationship spell in the collegiate years and made our way back to each other. We had an ideal typical marriage by most modern traditional marriages. Bought a house,waited a few years in the marriage before having children to allow ourselves couples time. We were in agreement when having our first child, not so much on the second child. Somewhere after our first child I began to see the ‘change’ or the disconnect from our relationship as we were adapting as a new family. I loved everything about my life and was both in denial and threatened with the fear of losing my husband and also started to become negative of his absences.
Not realizing it, the foundation of our love for each other and our couples bond had like slowly crumbled. He thought nothing was wrong and that I should be happy with the way everything was planned out, but deep down I was hurting and missing him.
I tried to give him signs of my pain,but felt ignored. Eventually the ‘stonewalling’ that I felt from him I turned to someone else for the attention.
It led to my worst mistake. the affair. Since then he lives with his mother and makes a routine nightly stop for a few hours a night. Everything in our house still intact like nothing has changed..but in light everything has. He ‘stonewalls’ me everyday. Not wanting to talk about whether or not to work on the marriage or walk away. I have bought countless books on saving the marriage and followed the messages in them to a T, but sadly I see very little glimpses of an anti-stonewall progress that tells me he wants to work on us and our family and most importantly to forgive. Our dreams, our family and our life are in a ‘stonewall’ state of being. No forward, No backward. As a christian woman, I can say that I think I have been to hell and back in this process.
One that I will never, ever repeat. I have been down the road of suicidal thoughts, thinking it would be my only way out. To make him feel my pain, make him realize what he can be left behind. I want him to feel guilt of abandonment, to make him have to be the father that I have always wanted him to be, and to forgive himself and me for all the mistakes that was made. I used to think this would give him a fresh start..but the only thing that saved me from making such a fatal decision is the gift of the unconditional love my children have given me and that I have for my children. They are the angels that brought me back from the hell. I am now faced with the decision whether to continue the ‘stonewalling’ effect that has become my life or finally let the love of my life go. I ask for everyone out there to pray for me as I promise to share this story(whether good or bad) with others.

September 10, 2009 at 11:02 am
(21) Betty says:

My husband of 22 years did this to me along with all of the other passive aggressive behaviors including withholding sex. I wish I would have read this years ago, it would have saved me a lot of frustration. I finally left him last year and I feel free! Thank you God! I now know abuse doesn’t have to be only physical.

September 27, 2009 at 4:04 am
(22) Ellie says:

I have been married for 20 years, most of those years have been filled with conflict with my husband. Though I didn’t use the term “stonewalling” I knew something wasn’t right the way we handled our arguments, (or non-handled is the better way to describe it). Whenever there is conflict, he always turns it around on me. “If you did a better job cleaning the house there would be no argument” or “Just don’t–fill in the blank–and then I wouldn’t get angry”. I guess I have come to the realization that this is a form of abuse, although I was in denial for years. You can’t have a healthy marriage when half of that marriage partnership is incapable of accepting any responsibility for their actions. But I have learned that you can’t argue with an irrational person. Even though I have not yet left the marriage, I know that I soon will because I’m at a point now where I don’t care anymore about resolving anything with him. I have given up and an just biding my time until my youngest graduates from college in two years. It’s sad, but I’m looking forward to a new life and possibly having a nornal, healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t disregard my feelings and puts the blame for everything on me.

October 3, 2009 at 1:33 pm
(23) Sandee says:

Stonewalling is precisely what led me to an affair I’d have never entered in to had my husband been approachable and amenable to working on issues. Years later he is still a closed book. I do consider my coping means wrong. But when your this desperate, you will do anything for comfort — even humiliate yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere and undermining to one’s self esteem.

October 8, 2009 at 3:46 am
(24) Keila says:

Well, after reading this, at least now I know I am not crazy… My husband does this all the time. He comes from a family where every day is a new page and from which the previous day’s issues are no longer issues and should be forgotten. So I look like the crazy one who holds on to past grudges… It will be 5 years of marriage tomorrow – don’t know how we made it.. He is a great father, but in the process of becoming a father, he has lost his touch for being a husband. I have never felt so neglected and alone in this relationship and I don’t know what to do to avoid a divorce, which scares me. I am tired of trying, I really am, specially since I see no effort on his part. I feel like I have been extremly supportive and that if things would’ve been the other way around, he wouldn’t have put up with what I’ve put up with.. Not sure what to do…

November 2, 2009 at 3:11 pm
(25) Debbie says:

After 32 yrs., I filed for divorce. My husband is a passive agressive, narciccist who doesn’t believe in discussing anything. Actually, I think he is stuck at the age of 10 when his mother passed away from cancer. Emotionally his is 10 in a physical body of 58, I always felt like his mother. He was physically & emotionally abusive getting worse w/age. I waited until the day our daughter graduated from College then told him to get out. 5 mo. later, I am happy for the lst time in 25+ yrs., just sad I couldn’t do this sooner. My daughter needed a father, but I also needed a man as a partner. I now realize I was raising 2 kids. For those of you wondering what to do, there are several good books on these issues; read them. Don’t continue waiting for someone who can never “grow up”. Life is way to short!

January 22, 2010 at 9:06 pm
(26) Jilly says:

I have to agree with this one, too. I have this done to me all the time by my husband. It hurts and it’s frustrating. I want to resolve our conflicts, but he gets defensive and doesn’t want to talk about our issues. We’ve been attending couples therapy, but it isn’t helping him become a better communicator. Sometimes I feel like I can’t bare it anymore, I also feel alone and it really is a sad situation. I don’t want our marriage to fail, but we are so stuck in a place that isn’t pleasant. That stonewalling place!

February 12, 2010 at 9:18 am
(27) shutout says:

So this is what it is called! I’ve dealt with this for a long time and I’m fed up. My dh committed me to arranging for food for a friends party after I told him I wouldn’t be able to manage it. I resigned myself to the task however (with assurances that it was no big deal-just something small and easy) and now the ‘friends’ are micro-managing and the situation is becoming extremely stressful and I am getting very resentful. When I express any annoyance dh just tells me I am overreacting and now he is outright stonewalling. All I can say is it works both ways. If he wants to stonewall now, I can go with that. No communication=no food for the event. He has picked the wrong time to pull that tactic on me. I’m fed up and done with it.

February 17, 2010 at 11:07 am
(28) Jean says:

I’ve been stonewalled and done the stonewalling. Rather than being victimized by the ordeal, consider why it occurs. I felt like a victim on both sides of the situation. When I was stonewalled I felt shut out and unable to resolve my issues.
When doing the stonewalling, I also felt shut out and unable to resolve our issues. Stonewalling was a last resort mechanism that I fell into secondary to majorly poor communication and excessive emotional involvement. It allowed me to detach and focus better at work and in other aspects of my life all of which were being threatened by my emotional state from continually trying to work things out at home. Although not the right answer, Iím not convinced it was the wrong one. It kept me and my family in a house and out of debt.

There are normally two sides to a coin.

February 26, 2010 at 1:04 pm
(29) valerie says:

my husband was raised by a father who told his boys to toughen up every time they showed emotions. By a mother who said, “life is to short to be mad, get over it”… I have been married 18 years and never had a name for his “lack” of communication. When I told him about my day with OUR children he would say, “i dont want to relive your day, leave me alone”. So eventually I did. The loneliest of lonely is sharing a home and bed with someone who doesn’t care and wont talk. I eventually “left him alone” by talking with other men who did seem to care. I have had 2 emotional affairs and my husband knows about them. You’d think it would make him want to start talking but it didn’t. We are on the verge of divorce and I am willing to be the “bad” guy just so I can find some happiness and companionship!!!

March 9, 2010 at 8:02 pm
(30) Kaitie says:

I know I have a primary tendency towards stonewalling as a coping mechanism, and it is associated with strong feelings of powerlessness, fear, avoidance – a kind of shutdown really. Of course this doesn’t help the conflict situation either as my partner becomes more desparate and heated in an effort to connect. Neither person feels good! Obviously, the ideal situation is a conscious committment to good conflict resolution management by both partners, where both are committed to empathic listening, allowing equal space in a conversation, and making the effort to express oneself clearly. It’s hard for any couple to master these skills!

March 13, 2010 at 3:43 am
(31) Debbie says:

I am married to a guy and have been for 22 years that stonewalls. Its heartbreaking and very frustrating. He is a people pleaser at work and will bend over backwards for acceptance from his colleagues, ignoring how others treat him like a fool. Its exactly the same way with his family too. He uses every excuse in the book for why he is not hurt by their behaviour and how they have done nothing wrong to him but at home its a whole different ball game. I cannot even cast a glance in the wrong direction without being accused of being malicious, spiteful and a bitch. If i spend any amount of time in my bedroom alone when he is home from work i am accused of doing this to make him feel uneasy. Laying on my bed reading a book is the biggest sin i could ever commit! He wants it to be the same routine every evening. He sits there on his computer playing games and i am expected to sit in the same room being ignored, not spoken to and wait patiently for the minute he might turn round and smile at me. Straight off of the computer at about 9pm and then its the tv till bedtime with lots of SSSShhhhhhhhh in between.

If i mention how i feel his facial expression resembles a gargoyles! He pouts, sulks and refuses to discuss anything. I have used the “i feel statements”, I have told him straight in a very direct way, I have waited till the right moment and said “I love you and i like it when you do this” instead of your “an ass because you dont do that” and nothing works. He walks away, goes to bed and nothing changes leaving me feeling like a boiling pot, frustrated, angry, rejected and stressed out. The following day he will text and say “i love you, but you dont believe me” then come home and its back to square one. Sulks, pouting and stonewalling!

I have had enough of living by his set of rules whilst i watch everyone else gain respect, understanding and above all his out right effort to smooth over troubled waters with them whilst i have to tolerate a tantrum throwing, rebellious all about me teenager!

March 22, 2010 at 9:00 am
(32) C says:

It is a shame that I haven’t seen anyone admit to stonewalling in these comments. Inevitably, if the intellectual honesty exists to admit to it, then it ceases to be so much of a problem.

Does anyone have any positive experience or break-through in this? In our case she never admits defeat, and when finally cornered, says she has had enough and is fed up with the whole thing.

She has valid complaints, but I feel I’m the only one attempting any sort of objectivity. I love her dearly and do not want to finish this, but it will mean the end of the marriage if we do not break through the stonewalling.

March 22, 2010 at 9:03 am
(33) C says:

Missed comment 30! Well done, gives one a little hope.

April 9, 2010 at 4:19 pm
(34) Carin says:

I don’t know how to explain this. I feel the same as the comment Debbie has left on post #31. My husband too, plays video games online, meanwhile, looks at porn online. He says he doesn’t satisfy himself to them but maybe once or twice a month. But still every day, he’s looking. Ignoring my attempts of affection and accuses me of spying on him because he knows I do not like his obsessive porn looking. Its one thing if its once a week and only 3 magazines in an allotted amount of time. But another when its every day, something new and taking the time away from our problems or even just sharing some time together. He throws fits like a child about his Eve Online game…if he loses a ship or if I bother him or ask him to do something for me because I am pregnant with our first child and have had 3 miscarriages in my past, he throws a tantrum. Storming around the house, throwing things or punching walls. He has never raised a hand to me but sometimes, I wish he would because the physical pain would be better than this emotional pain. If I even bring up a bill in a light heart conversation, he gets really “pissy”. He huffs and puffs. Or stomps out of the house and could be gone for an hour and when he gets back it looks like he was crying and his muscles twitching from the stress. Yesterday, I walked into the computer room after he got home and said he needed some alone time. I’m home all day long with no one to talk too. So any little bit of attention I can get from him is never enough. I walked in to see how he was doing and to give him a kiss. He was checking his email but then I saw another window on the tool bar that read sexy girls and I asked what that was. He pulled it up and I said oh ok, of course. And walked out of the room not showing any anger. I pretended it didn’t bother me because I knew how he would react and try to explain himself when I already told him how I felt he would rather look at that smut then to look at me. That it gave him a false feeling and that I was real standing here before him. I’ve asked him to stop before so many times. So when I saw that yesterday, all I can say is I felt a loss of hope and love for him. So I walked away and said nothing more. I was not mean to him what so ever for the rest of the day and pretended it never happened but my mind was still on it. I didn’t want to sit near him when he came out right after. But I tried to make it not obvious that I was hurt. I finally went and took a shower and found myself locking the door for once. Even going to the bathroom I had to close the door or changing into another outfit. I didn’t want him to look at me. I was disgusted by him. Finally, I took my dog for a walk at a nearby park alone. My husband asked where I was going and I told him I was going to take him for a walk cuz I needed excercise that I haven’t been getting and I knew he was soar from the days work and he always never wants to go do anything outside of the house with me. When I came back, he was watching TV. I couldn’t even eat any dinner. So I went to bed and kissed him goodnight. I kept waking up wondering why he hadn’t come to bed yet. I asked him if he was coming and he turned off the TV and slammed the remote on the table. Like he didn’t want to be near me at all. He came into the room and I told him “Honey, if you’re not tired and still want some alone time, then go ahead and stay up…I just wanted to know when you would come to bed”. He got even more upset and went back into the living room. I thought he had turned on the computer or TV but he hadn’t. I came out to check on him a hour later and he was laying on the couch wrapped in a blanket. I got onto him. Saying how I felt about the porn and he’d rather sleep on the couch then with me in the bed and how he wanted all day to be alone on his computer looking at smut. And thats when he said I was a “bitch” and the only reason he looks at porn is because of me and that he doesn’t want to sleep with me because I only have two moods, pissed off or horny since I have been pregnant. So thus, the huge arguement and his insult and I couldn’t bare his stonewalling and blaming anymore. Or being denied. I had never felt so hated or ashamed. So I drove off out of hurt because I couldn’t accept what he had just said to me. That he would rather look at porn then to be with me. We haven’t even been married a year yet. It will be a year May 7th. I want to leave him but feel I can’t because he will threaten to kill himself and I know from our last separation 4 months ago, that he will try to take me for all I am worth…which isn’t much cuz I am on disability and only get 736 a month and he is in the army. He didn’t pay any of the bills or rent that he was supposed to when I moved out of the last apartment we lived in…the rent was in my name but 795 a month. On 736 a month i couldn’t afford it so I left him with the apartment, fully in agreement with him that we would not screw each other over. My last divorce went perfect. In fact my ex and I are great friends and I like his live in girlfriend alot. I expected this relationship to be just as mature in such of an event. And he turned it into this huge ordeal and now my credit used to be 720 is now 500 because of him. And we are struggling to get things back on track…But now all of this. The only time he seems happy is when we have sex but even then I know he doesn’t want me during it. Its become the only way I know how to make him happy. And suddenly last night fight made him want me truly for once in months and he grabbed my hand and put it on him and i felt repulsed and molested. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. But I know its only because he is afraid of being alone and its not because he loves me. Even when he says it…its just an automatic response or to make me happy or not upset with him. Even his apologies have become lies just to settle me down. I think we are over but I need him to realize that we are done. I can’t bring myself to leave him until he does this. I am 4 months pregnant and living in fear of him killing himself or taking everything I have and my child from me. I need him to let me go…quietly, calmly and like an adult. Because of his stonewalling, Our whole marriage… I no longer want to try to work on our issues. I’d just rather pretend they are not there than to be hurt by his constant rejection and stonewalling tactics. Sometimes, I wonder if being the stefford wife would change things. Me to become what all men typically view women as…The perfect housewife…Seen not heard…Smiles all of the time no matter what….To become this droid men have made women out to be. It kills me every day to pretend I am happy, just to make him happy. And so then I don’t have to move back in with my mother which is a far worse fate then staying in this relationship. At least he isn’t abusive like her and he doesn’t drink like she does. I feel so trapped and so alone. Even now, I think of only one way out…But too afraid to act on it. I fear that one day, I won’t be afraid and then I will be gone. I have no options but to live with my abusive alcoholic mother or to stay with him….The only way out seems to be death at this point. I keep asking doctors and my sisters if Post Pardum Depression can be while you are pregnant…They all say no! I would never wish this life on anyone….I’ve always been the one to tell my sisters there is a way out. Always been the helping hand, telling them they trap themselves and there is a way out, that they don’t have to stay with a man. I now know how they feel. Its sad that it has come to this for me to finally understand where they are coming from. Because I like them, am now trapped. Forced to wear a fake smile until he can look at the evidence before him and see that this is truly over, he is in denial while I have already let go. I’m just waiting for my salvation!!!

April 16, 2010 at 3:51 am
(35) debbie says:

Carin, i hear you sweetie and wanted to send you a huge (((((hug)))).

What your husband said to you about being a bitch and that he would rather look at porn than sleep with you is just projection and done to make you feel like the one with the problem. All he has done there is placed the responsibility onto your shoulders.

Fair enough i would imagine its normal for men to at least look at porn sometimes but every day is beyond me completely. It sounds to me like your fella is avoiding intimacy at all cost. These women he looks at he has no emotional investement in, they are just images with no strings attached.

It seems that he avoids intimacy in the form of openeness and honesty and avoids the bonding that goes on between husband and wife in a healthy relationship.

I ended up taking off my wedding bands and havent worn them for 6 weeks. Has my husband even mentioned it? No! He has seen but he would die before reveal anything regarding his feelings or emotions.

His way of dealing with it is to tell me he is having severe pain in the finger his wedding ring is on and asking me if i think he should take his ring off in order that the pain might stop. He has worn the ring for 21 years and suddenly its become an iritation!!! I THINK NOT! He harped on and on about the physical pain he was in and kept saying “what shall i do”?. He wanted me to make a decision for him! He wanted me to say “take it off” and therefore i will be the one that has to take responsibility for it and he can say “i am not wearing my ring because you took it off me”! All mind games. All about passive aggression and avoiding intimacy, openess and honesty.

Why on earth he cannot just say “look debbie its hurting me that you refuse to wear your ring can we talk about it”. He will and has hashed out a plan to get one up!

He didnt get the reaction he wanted from me. I didnt suggest he took the ring off i physically removed it from him and said “its only a piece of jewellery, dont worry, i will put it in a safe place until you decide you want to wear it again”.

I stopped the game he wanted to play in its tracks and offered no emotional response at all.

May 24, 2010 at 5:06 pm
(36) MM McGee says:

Really? You ladies’ husbands ignore you when you want to “discuss” problems. Be honest here, chickas. We all know the “problem” you want to discuss is your husband. And nobody needs to be discussed and problematized all the time. It’s not only boring and tedious, but it makes you look unattractive and is a real marriage killer. Stonewalling isn’t the marriage killer. Your griping is.

What kind of person (referring to an earlier post) DOESN’T want to move on each day and begin again like life is full of promise and hope. Oh, I know. A harpie! And what kind of person does what to move on and make a new day without digging up old grips about the other. Oh, I know. An optimist whose job it is to build a future and therefore simply doesn’t have time for your gripe fest. Ladies, I need a clear head to make your future possible, so unless you’re throwing in solutions to the problems you’re intent on always raising and are willing act on those solutions yourself, shut up and say something nice to your husbands.

Did any of you try to calendar your cycles of argument and the “stonewalling” to see how, um, regular they are? I did, and my wife (soon to be ex?) hated me for it, but there it was in cold, hard facts. For the first time, she understood that, despite what her woman’s studies professor said, PMS is not a social construct. Really, when you have a gripe about your husband, you should 1) realize that it’s probably hormonal, 2) understand that you’re not a customer of your husband and he doesn’t need or want a complaint department, and 3) call your friends, if you have any.

Really, how old are you all?

May 28, 2010 at 8:46 pm
(37) leslie says:

You are an evil bastard. These stonewalling practices have abused women for years. Just because you get pissy and stare at porn blaming us for your guilt makes it ok? I don’t think so. You are crybabies because you don’t get your way or you had a bad day. I pity any female in your pathetic life.

June 11, 2010 at 4:33 am
(38) Nadia says:

I agree how can anything be resolved with someone who stonewalls all the time and acts like a passive aggressive – my husband does it all the time and in the end Im left to deal with the rubbish that we have in our life bymyself – so much for our vows and the promise to work hard on a marriage, they seem to think all problems dissappear and with that it festers until I blow up because I cant take it anymore – to me this is purely passive aggressive behaviour and a childish way to deal with problems.

July 27, 2010 at 6:33 am
(39) judy says:

my husband stonewalled me for 20 years before I gave him the ultimatum of doing something about it or separating. We went to counselling where he said all the right things, but nothing changed at home. By the time he got it, it was too late and now I’m the one doing the stonewalling. I hate him so much for ignoring me for 20 years that now i can’t help giving him a taste of his own medicine. How destructive is that? I just seem to have completely detached myself from him.

August 2, 2010 at 2:48 pm
(40) Been Here Doing That says:

I found out a month ago my wife was cheating on me after 15 years of marriage. She was initially very sorry and tearful but she quickly went into defense mode. In the last couple of weeks it’s been “The affair was a ‘red herring’ and I don’t want to talk about it anymore”. Right now she’s on a business trip and I’m constantly being told she’s not ready to talk because she has to “process” what she’s going through. After discovering the affair I quickly came around to forgiveness for reasons too long for this note. But what’s harder to forgive is this shutdown of communication while she figures out what she wants to say to me. I had to twist her arm to see a marriage counselor when she gets back. If she remains this uncommunicative I’m not sure I see the point in even doing that.

August 13, 2010 at 1:10 am
(41) Dark Moon says:

I’m not sure if stonewalling is what my husband does, but the end result is the same – no communication! Any time I bring up an issue he doesn’t want to deal with (any plans for the future) he gets really angry and defensive to the point that I clam up as to not feed the anger. Then he blames me for making him angry when really I’m either expressing a sadness or a concern that I have (and in a non-confrontational tone). And he says that I purposefully go out of my way to upset him, when all I’m trying to do is communicate – very frustrating!

September 26, 2010 at 10:56 am
(42) Chris says:

I am in the same ship.Its like we communicate but evrything is my fault. She blames the way she acts on the way she was raised. She acts like a 12 year old. And she is 26.Every single time she acts up she embarresess me everywhere we go. Example we came to disney world for our daughter. Her remark was “lets get this over with”.So she is a terrible wife and a terrible spirited mother. I wish I could give my little daughter the world, and here my wife won’t even let me spend more than 40 dollars or more on her that could benifit her. Also she has these 12 year old temper tantrums and I gotten sick of it. O but Im sorry I bet this is all my fault isn’t it.

October 24, 2010 at 9:40 am
(43) J says:

This hits the nail on the head for me as others have said I have bought book after book after book because my husband refuses to talk to me, oh he has to talk to me about his problems about his job or his hobbies and demands a lengthy undivided attention from me in that regard but rarely gives me the time of day about us or me and if he does I have about 20-30 sec to say it or spit it out but he’s already off somewhere else. And when it comes to discussing our marital problems, he either says I’m being negative and in the rare instance he does talk he throws all the blame on me away from himself and shouts what are you going to do about it! When I try and talk about us and or our marriage he walks out of the room. His nemesis is his “fear of failure”. He does not want to hear marital problems because of his fear. He is a narcissist and I even read him some things about the disorder and he basically admitted he’s like that and wanted to know the cure but he refuses to get help he’s too intelligent for therapy and has said he knows everything already. He knows how to talk about “other’ peoples problems and what they should do or be doing but does not relate the same info to our marital problems. I’m also at the point of no return and have seen a divorce lawyer and have tried to be too nice by trying to talk to him about this so I don’t just spring it on him but he walks out every time and just refuses to participate in communicating about us. I’m done, with or without him on this subject. But sad we have a daughter still in school but I’m not waiting for her to finish school, already wasted enough time on the sideline just waiting for him to participate when his stonewalling is basically saying I refuse to be in this marriage.

October 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm
(44) Brent says:

Yep. Same here. Wife is stonewalling me. She’s made the family business (her and her father) a priority over me and the kids. We’ve convinced ourselves that the business is a high priority for the financial wellbeing of everyone involved, including the kids – and really it is, but not if it comes at their expense. When I try to explain to my wife that she’s overextending herself filling so many roles at the family business, and that me, the kids AND her are suffering for it…. BAM! Up goes the wall. She does not talk and tries to make me feel like I’m throwing a trantrum or going on a rant when what I am doing is trying to open up a dialogue. Although I want to balance work and family like everyone else, the family dynamic on her side is that she kowtows to her parents every whim and can’t set any boundaries. She won’t listen to me. She’ll make herself exhausted and then become a burnt out martyr. Then the blame game starts – I’m too angry and stressed out – things are MY fault. I wonder why I am so angry and stressed out in the FIRST PLACE. It falls on deaf ears. So frustrating! And there was any wonder why I lost interest in love making and practically all OTHER forms of intimacy? Wow. Marriage and kids and work is a tough enough balance. But when you have a martyr-stonewaller for a partner it becomes an exercise in futility. Soooooooo frustrating!

October 29, 2010 at 11:30 pm
(45) BT says:

I’m a guy and am getting divorced after 9 years with a stonewalled. I leave this post in the hope that it will help someone else avoid wasting years of their life. Found out my wife was having an affair. Forgave her and wrote it off as her flipping out after our miscarriage. I fought like he’ll to save this marriage. We had a 5yr old and after coming from a divorced family, I didn’t want that for her. Anyway, I got the love you but not in love with you story. She put minimal to no effort into saving our marriage. Ending up having a 2nd child and a year later, we are getting divorced. Bottomline is that if your marriage is in trouble and the other person is stonewalling instead of trying to fix it, get out of there. You are wasting your time. I wish I had listened early on.

November 13, 2010 at 8:02 pm
(46) kay says:

my husband has done this to e for 41 years yes i said
41 years. IT is painfull to live with. When I want to
talk with him about an issue he says I will give you
5 minutes and then i’ done talking to you, even when
it is a very serious problem after a few minutes he
will just walk away, if I still need his attention
and go after him to talk he will then cuss and scream
at me and put earphones on so he cant hear me. HE
tells me there is no such thing as resolving a problem
I end up so anxious but know if I try to talk to him
he will go ballistic and emotionally I will not be able to handle the verbal abuse. I know now that after
all of these years it will of course never change and
I waited to long to change my life for the better.
HE likes the way the dynamics in our marriage works
for him he gets gets peace and quite and I fight
depression and anxiety to try to keep my mouth shut

November 28, 2010 at 6:04 am
(47) over it says:

So much of this hit home for me. I don’t feel I have been stonewalled but the comments 5 and 22 really rang a bell. I listen, but if I try to say what I am concerned about I feel intimidated by his attitude and tend to back down. We have been married for a very long time and I find myself daydreaming of being free of this marriage more often than not.

December 4, 2010 at 5:18 pm
(48) Nathan says:

I am just going thru similiar situation. My wife of 14 years is stonewalling why I have too many concerns such as dealing with an autism 7yrs son who requires a lot attention, worry about his future, recently babysitter spanked him and told wife that both my kids fear having baby sitter againa nd wife tell me not to worry because she spoke to the babysitter. Again my kids does not want to besitter due to her negative but wife does not get it and think I am making excuses. Other issues I scarfice everything for wife and kids but when come sto my need wife wont scafice and say that anotehr excuses. Lately she been stressed and blood pressure up and accusing me of this which I know she hasd problem with boss at work in heat agruement. Anything I say to her will seems liek problem me and none hers.

Right now she saying she not sure about marriage and see I am doing everything positive with my two kids and says “is that your temp. changes”. Actually I do notw ant to leave the marriage but asking her for us to see a therpist marriage counselor to solve the unline issues in our marriage

December 11, 2010 at 12:01 am
(49) lynn says:

My husband and I have been married over 20 years. And I am finally able to put a name on what he has been doing to our relationship for most of that time. He is a recovering alcoholic (19 years sober) but lost believing in and living the 12 steps a long time ago (why?? I think because he didn’t like the fact that people in the meetings were throwing his problems back in his face and making him accept them). He suffers from depression and recently was diagnosed as bipolar. He takes medication, but REFUSES to go to any therapy because he does not want to waste his days looking at himself and he has no desire to change. He has his own business and travels constantly (why – he says its because he needs to, he needs to build what he calls his “celebrity status” in his career )- really he is avoiding being a father and a husband – its called geographics – running away. He goes off on his trips and pretends to have the life he feels he deserves – spending money he does not have on expensive dinners, hotels, clothing, facebook games, etc. Recently one of his favorite things to do on his trips is to find male prostitutes. I confronted him about this and what I got was the excuse and accuse – he excused his disgusting behavior by accusing me of being the problem. He tried to convince me that I was crazy and needed help – I’ve been going to therapy alone – he refuses to go with me claiming there is no problem as far as he is concerned. I am angry and hurt by his impulsive, narcisistic, harmful behavior and he will not take ownership of it or responsibility for it. So I have taken action – I have begun the steps to take care of myself, I am getting the support I need from people who truly care about me, I’ve talked to lawyers and therapists, I am saving money for myself and my children, I am planning for my future (not “our” future), and I am moving on with my life.

December 15, 2010 at 6:56 pm
(50) Pawl says:

Reading these comments is interesting to me. I only experienced stonewalling after dating a girl for 6 months and then she seemed to break up with me out of nowhere and stonewall me for a couple months (we still haven’t discussed things). I feel a bit blessed because this seems like God saving me from marrying someone who could have sucked my life away, or from marrying in general (I think I could benefit the world best just as a single person! We’re all children of God, no one in heaven marries, so why get married? haha). Aphrodite’s comments were particularly striking and seemed to be a lot of what I experienced. This girl thought I was perfect and she said she wanted to marry me and broke up with me a month later. It’s amazing how violent silence is or transitioning quickly to no affection or communication abruptly from sharing great beautiful loving experiences together. It’s very difficult to be patient with people who stonewall but important to recognize that their behaviour is oftentimes somewhat of a disease rather than a deliberate premeditated action. Anyway, I wish the best to all of those who are experiencing stonewalling and would say to forgive whoever’s doing it and stay active in the world as the beautiful individual you are!

December 29, 2010 at 1:44 pm
(51) Kandace says:

This is a very real thing, stonewalling. Though I didn’t read every entry, I read many. There is another point that needs to be made. When you are trying to work through something you don’t understand, and then an “a-ha” moment comes when you realize you aren’t crazy, and you are not guilty of the terrible things your spouse was accusing YOU of while they were busy passing blame…well, that moment of truth is almost worse than the abuse itself. It is sickening to think of all the wasted time and tears…

So please don’t let this comment diminish in any way the incredible enlightenment being found in your life. We all know that moment of “a-ha” is bittersweet, part relief and part sorrow…just don’t forget to take your own responsibility. No matter what another person is guilty of, there is something about those of us who make easy targets that is equally unhealthy. We allow it because we lack healthy boundaries. If you rid yourself of the awful marriage, but do not deal with your own issues, your life will not change for the better.

No one can make us accept lies as truth, and the realization that we are able to learn, even after years and years of mistreatment is proof we have NO EXCUSE not to continue to grow even from here, and that starts with recognizing how you got in and stayed stuck in the situation, sometimes for decades. The only thing we have the power to change is ourselves. If we fail to learn why we have made our bad decisions, we are doomed to repeat them.

January 3, 2011 at 4:42 pm
(52) Steve says:

Another reason why people choose stonewalling is to deal with “snow plowing.” Every time I try to speak with my wife about an issue, it either ends up 100% compromise on my part, or she remains upset…..hence the term snow plowing. She “plows” right over my personal feelings, thoughts, ideas, needs, etc. She honesly dosent see that as a problem. In her house growing up, her Dad was treated the same way. He deciced to let his wife (my in-law) snow-plow over him. They are still married after 35 years…after him having multiple nervous breakdowns, suffering from depression, thoughts of suicide, and a host of other emotional defficiencies. I have used stonewalling and its effective at derailing her “snow plowing” tactic and further causing me more pain. I run like the wind when shes around. I will choose divorce before I let myself end up like her dad.

February 1, 2011 at 5:40 pm
(53) Jason says:

I’m a bit of a stonewaller, and a bit passive agressive. To be honest, I don’t know what else to do. It’s a bit of the same situation at #52.

If I listen to all of the emotional baggage and stuff my wife worries about, then I go crazy. Mainly because a lot of this stuff that consumes her is stuff that I think is pretty easy to fix. She’s been though a rough childhood and her mom was an emotionally abusive parent. The things that she grew up with still affect her relationships with her siblings and it hurts her. And with her hurt all of the time, it affects myself and our 3 kids.

Before, I used to be engaged in all of the drama that happened with my wife. I would listen, and offer advice. Sometimes she would take it… but most of the times she wouldn’t… which just frustrates me to the point of not wanting to listen or do anything. What’s the point?

I’ll get accussed of trying to control her; which I admit I can see. So I stop controlling, and try listening… but man, it’s just too hard to listen to someone cry about the same things over and over again.

So now I’m to the point where I don’t want to be involved. When she starts to unload on me, I say “whatever”. And try to find something better to do. Is it my job to be dragged down with her?

We’ve been married 11 years and I’m beginning to wonder if we’ll make it much further. I’m starting to think that I need to salvage myself… that I’d be happier alone. No more emotional ups-and-downs… just a week without a catastrophe would be great. I could go out and enjoy my life again. But I worry about my kids, who still have 10 years of childhood. I don’t want them in a “broken” home. And I need to be there for them 24×7 for when my wife is not 100% I don’t know if I can make it 10 more years though.

February 6, 2011 at 6:43 pm
(54) Kay says:

I feel sad that I put up with a stonewaller for 36 years. We are now getting divorced. I used to think he was autistic, so emotionally unavailable was he. So often I felt shut out, ignored, and unappreciated by him the frustration and hurt was so painful. Nothing ever changed whatever I did or didn’t do, and any attempts to discuss problems resulted in stalemate or that horrible twisting of the blame onto me. It wasn’t until I was tempted into an affair that I realised how a man could be, kind, thoughtful, respectful, unselfish and a great listener..What a waste of all those years on a man who didn’t deserve me. A weight is now lifting off my shoulders and I look forward to the rest of my life with a wiser, happy heart. I hope the rest of you in similar situations find the courage to set off on your new path.

February 17, 2011 at 4:21 pm
(55) Doreen says:

I have lived with my husband’s approach to our marriage for 26 years. The problem is that he does not see how his actions are destroying the marriage. My reaction to him is also ruining our marriage. So there is no need to continue in this manner for another 10 years. Thanks for the encouragement to walk away from this sad dance.

February 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm
(56) sandiego says:

husband of 11 years has always done this, he can go for 6 wks depriving me of sex, (watching porn). When I walk in a room he walks out. He wears earphones, is attached to his computer unless asleep. I should have left the first time it happened. It gets worse, it used to only be for a week When he is done he does not speak of it. Has NEVER said sorry, pushes me away if I try to touch him and He claims to be Christian. He left on two business trips while not speaking , last words to me were “F” you. Sometimes I dont even know WHY. My self esteem has been bulldozed! He doesnt think he has any problems, I am blamed for everything. The cause of most of his stonewalling is the mention of his ex-wife from 20 yrs ago. He is best friends “in private” w/ her, even going alone to her house in secret….!!. she will be his best friend forever, they tell each other they love each other (I overheard them) They had no children. if she were treated like any other friend, and If I had been introduced to her, I could accept it. I am pretty sure that when he travels and he is angry that he cheats on me.When you are over 50 in California, no matter how good you look, you aretoo old to date.I believe his last marriage ended because she couldnt take anymore. when he is speaking I love him but I feel so alone and find it most depressing and mentally cruel. Unless the offender is willing to admit they have a problem there is no hope. He wont go to counselling because he doesnt want to hear about “who is right or wrong” He doesnt realise it isnt about that. I need to pray for the strength to leave this man I love, But 30% of my time with him has been spent being ignored, I am a ver attractibve and intelligent woman, I have never seen such jeckll and hyde behaviour in my life, I am thinking of writing a book to warn others to get out IMMEDIATELY and not to wait for it to go away. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE, they are sick people.

February 21, 2011 at 5:48 am
(57) terry says:

my wife is the stonewaller. in my case, we have been seperated 1 1/2yrs. only married a little over 2yrs. we lived together for a year before we got married, soon into our marriage I came to my wife with a simple problem that could have been solved easily with simple heartfelt conversation. I was verbily attacked as she thought I was blaming her for something, which I was not. after a few months of that I became depressed and started sleeping in the basement after a week of that she came down telling me, and yelling at me, I was screwing her over for not sleeping with her, and doing things with her. over the weeks as the fighting got worse I begged her to just talk to me about it, instead of yelling at me, that never happened. when I finally started coming out of depression on my own, which lasted longer then it should have because of the abuse. she held a grudge against me for getting depressed, that has lasted to this day, I tried everything I could think of. 2 therapists said they could’nt help us, as it turned into an all my fault thing, everything was my fault according to her, she just will not take responsibility for what her actions have done to me and refuses to discuse anything. I am working on the divorse now, and have met a wounderful women who is just the opposite and has brought me a long way in understanding that there was nothing that I could have done to change what was happening in our marriage. I sent my wife the stonewalling article above last year and she said that was all wrong, that she does’nt go out all the time buying vegatables. how’s that for stonewalling, everything in the above letter is her to a t. I am slowly finding out who I am again as this has been very damageing to me, and my emmotional state. I don’t wish this on anybody, stonewalling is such a selfish act. if you feel your with one get away fast, as it will tear you apart and leave you not knowing who you are. thanks for listening. she never did

February 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm
(58) Mary says:

My husband has been ďstonewallingĒ me for 22 years. I thought there was something emotionally and mentally wrong with me. I have tried to talk to my husband about my feelings, his feeling, our marriage or different things in general, Iíve learned that he does not like to face confrontation especially when it bring to light his shortcomings. He is an expert at walking away when he doesnít want to hear about how you feel or what you have to say, in my book he is a coward. I am tired of trying and feeling that our problems are my entire fault. Iíve doubted myself for our entire marriage and it took me many years to finally put my faith in God, gain some confidence in myself and to realize Iím not the only one with issues and that this is not the way God planned for marriage to be. Living with a stonewaller is mentally, emotionally frustrating and debilitating. It can bring about mental and health issues for the one being stonewalled. I felt unappreciated and ignored. I just canít get through and I am tired of being tired and frustrated. In his eyes everything is fine as long as he is content, however, when I try to talk to him about what I feel and my dreams (which he said I didnít have any) he walks away. Iím to the point that I would rather be alone, leave material possessions (house, standard of living, etc) and raise my children than to stay with someone who could care less about losing his family because of pride. Itís just not worth arguing and fighting a losing battle. I suggest anyone who has similar issues to not focus on trying to change the other person, take back the power you have given the other person over you. Focus on changing you, love yourself and know that when God created you he didnít make a mistake. We deserve better!!!!!!

March 8, 2011 at 11:57 am
(59) JJ says:

My wife has been stonewalling me for more than 10 years now. She stonewalls me for days at a time usually over a small issue that I bring up but there have also been a few bigger issues earlier in our marriage. She says that I donít accept her for the way she is if I bring up any complaint but that isnít how I see it at all. I have told her many times that we need to thoughtfully communicate with each other if we really care about each other but except on a few occasions she only responded defensively. She has admitted a couple of times that she is wrong for stonewalling me after she comes out of her stonewall but at that point she just wants to make up and be happy again, but we rarely resolve any issues and the stonewalling continues. I donít think itís a good idea to discuss these problems with family or friends because that could add a whole new dynamic that wouldnít be productive but as one person put it, I have ended up being pretty lonely in my relationship or lack of. I truly donít know how my wife feels about many common things.

March 8, 2011 at 11:57 am
(60) JJ says:

My wife is actually stonewalling me right now. She stonewalled me through my childís birthday and she is now on day 5 of her stonewalling. She also has no problem stonewalling while we are on vacation, a restaurant or at a special event like a concert, her sisterís wedding, thanksgiving and many many more. Those are the most frustrating times because you are stuck somewhere where you are supposed to have fun and that is costing lots of money but you canít enjoy it because your wife is stonewalling you in the most selfish way. She suddenly gets quiet and I ask, whatís wrong and I get silence. Iíll have to wait 3 days later to even get a glimpse of what her perception of the problem was. I think to myself that 5 days of my life have just been wasted feeling depressed and anxious because my wife wonít communicate to me what the problem is and then wouldnít be willing to work it out in a reasonable way. After 10 years I now am feeling anger at her selfishness and one time recently I started yelling loudly at her. She shoved me, ran out of the house and took off in the car. When we are in happy mode things are good, but when life is challenging she turns to stonewalling instead of turning to me and that bad outweighs the good. I wish she would realize how selfish she is and how itís ruining our marriage. I really love her but the torture of stonewalling is unbearable and I am now really questioning our marriage. What a miserable situation. I guess if she is willing to end our marriage instead of giving up stonewalling and in turn being open, honest and thoughtful about our issues, she doesnít love me as much as she says she does.

March 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm
(61) Cathy Meyer says:

JJ, have you considered acting “as if” when she is giving you the silent treatment.

If she weren’t getting some reward from what she is doing she would not continue to do it. She does it because she knows it pushes your buttons. If you want her to stop doing what she does you may have to stop reacting to what she does. Get it?

When she starts with the stonewalling behavior DO NOT let her know you care. Act as if all is well, act as if you could care less what she is upset about, act as if life is normal and you are happy.

Don’t ask her what she is upset about, don’t yell at her. Get on with your life as if all is well and you don’t have a problem in the world.

When she stops getting a rise out of you, she will stop acting like a fretting child.

March 11, 2011 at 3:42 am
(62) terry says:

cathy, do you have any more advice for the victims of stonewalling, although I’ve met a good women who has tried to help, I’m having a hell of a time getting over my x, I think its because of the lack of closer. I still wake up a lot of nights out of a sound sleep with anxiety over this. I feel like a battered person. I’m seeking help for this just the other day, should get a call today about that. but it’s still disrupting my life, like I’ve been scared somehow. this women never delt with a single problem during the time we were together, I mean a perfect record of that. and of course blamed me for everything, I mean everything. I have so many unanswered questions, I feel like this has damaged me somehow. I did like what you said to jj though, thanks

April 19, 2011 at 12:00 am
(63) scro says:

I am definitely married to a stone waller, not in the sense that he will stone wall me on something big like an affair or something like that. What he has done through the course of our 8 year marriage has been that he will periodically just act, well, different, quiet. And I’ll ask him for a week or two what is bothering him and then he’ll blow up and kind of tear me apart of something that has been “bothering him.” Most of the time, we get along really well. And I kinda make it my life’s mission to “please” him. I prepare what he wants for dinner. I make his plates for him. I have let him make every big decision in our lives, from what our kids were named to where we lived. Before our kids were in school, he always said that he didn’t help me around the house because taking care of it was my job (we had 2 kids in 18 months and I nursed them both a year a piece, helped him with our cattle with 2 toddlers on my hip, cooked lunch and sometimes breakfast for him and his hired hands daily). But then I got job after our kids were in school that I had to drive 25 miles each way, but he still didn’t help me. And, honestly, I didn’t really want him to. I wanted to take care of him as he has provided so much for us financially and he works so hard. But anything I didn’t get done, anything I failed on, it seems like he held it against me. And I don’t do the same thing with him. I just love him. Yes, there are things I wish he would do or do differently, but they seem so small in light of what he means to me and our children.

May 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm
(64) Goldy55 says:

I believe my very soon to be ex-husband taught the game of “stonewalling”. Why anyone would believe this is the way to deal w/problems of any sort is beyond me. While stonewalling me, his anger was also building for it was me he took, what I now believe were his childhood issues, all of his anger from that period on. We were married 33 yrs. & could have had a terrific life, but he was almost determined to destroy everything as soon as we married. It started immediately along w/all of the PA issues. To bad, 33 yrs. ago they didn’t have many books on this common problem. You need to make sure you know the childhood background of the person you are getting serious about before you totally commit & I mean also sleeping with them. Women tend to sleep w/men too soon which commits us emotionally to them before we should. My marriage was so lonely; I actually thought about suicide for just a minute. I was so exhausted of living w/the constant stonewalling, emotional abuse & some physical abuse that I didn’t have the energy to file for divorce. I am very glad I didn’t. Unfortunately, we are still in the divorce process divorce only because he has stonewalled during this process.

May 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm
(65) Ms. Joe says:

Lack of communication was a huge matter in my marriage. For 27 years, I tried to talk to my husband about everything – the ups, downs and his cheating. He just became an stonewall, wanting to be hisself and his play station2. I even tried to write him letters or sending his a card. I tried to limited the arguements. But holding in the anger caused me to have a stroke. Our two children are grown now and 2011 he filed for a divorce. I feel that I was alone in love, being a family and marriage. I know now that someone is better for me. I have accepted divorce with no regets. My husband was an womanizer and being marriage to just me was not what he could handle. When there is lack of communication, stonewalling is the way to the divorce court. Just don’t wait 27 years….

May 30, 2011 at 3:44 pm
(66) Introuble says:

My husband is accusing me of stonewalling. He says whenever he tries to talk to me about something I walk away from him. I feel that I try hard to talk with him but things escalate and he either shouts and throws things or he goes into long monologues about how who and what I am is the problem with our marriage. I get to the point that I can’t be in the same room as him as I become so upset and angry at his yelling and/or his accusations. When you walk away because you simply cannot handle the way in which you are being spoken to is it stonewalling? I need to know because I cannot believe that walking away from someone who is yelling at you or saying nasty horrible things to you is wrong. How am I supposed to cope now if he uses this everytime I try to get some distance from his tirades?

June 16, 2011 at 4:15 pm
(67) dan says:

I am living much the same scene as JJ #60. My wife has stonewalled me numerous times over the past 27 years of marriage. This time however she has barely spoken to me since February. Only speaks when spoken to and when she answers it is with a yes or no. There is NO conversation. I have been using Cathy’s (61) advise , pretending not to let this bother me and speak to her candidly but to no avail. We have had no intimacy since January. She never smiles my way. Our adult children both bend over backwards apologizing for the smallest blunder or comment misunderstood. We went to Florida in April for 10 days. Our daughter was with us. Our daughter’s presence made the vacation tolerable but my wife hardly spoke. When we went to Universal she would stay ahead of us by 50 paces not stopping to check anything out. Now she wants to take a trip to her home asking me to go with her. Her mom is elderly and needs to look into other living arrangements. Why do I want to go with this person who will not say 1 word to me? She won’t go for any help. Has refused to see a doctor or even a dentist for the past 16 years. She works full time and when she gets home showers gets into her housecoat and watches TV til bedtime. These last few months I do not look forward to going home from work. She will hardly look at me.

July 5, 2011 at 5:38 am
(68) Angela says:

DON’T GIVE UP…This might help!
I stummbled upon this recommendation whilst searching for help for my marriage on the internet.
Its a film and also a book called fireproof, there is a book called THE LOVE DARE (which comes from the film) a 40 day guide/Dare to try (this can be looked up for free if you google The Love Dare day 1,2,3 etc).
I have watched the film with my hubby and it was truly inspirational.
My husband said he has taken alot on board since watching it, we are now on day 1 of the love dare and going to do all 40 days to get are marriage back on track, Wish me luck.
I will let you know how it goes.

August 7, 2011 at 4:11 am
(69) Sunshine51 says:

She sounds just like my soon to be ex.He did not like any type of conflict. What I wanted to discuss or work on concerning the marriage was not an issue for him. We worked at the same place and he would talk to me at work as a co-worker, but had nothing to say to me at home. He was constantly pushing me away, but because I loved him so much. I keep trying. Eventually he tells me he’s no longer happy and wants me to leave. This is just a small bit of the issues I endured in the relationship. We dated for eight years and have been married for fourteen. Which is more than his three previous wives put together. RED FLAG!!

September 13, 2011 at 4:16 pm
(70) MyPast is MYPAST says:

Stonewalling, where do I beginÖ? PART 1

My wife and I have been married for about 32 years. I am currently an officer in the Navy, five children and twelve (yes, 12) grandchildren, all of which I adore and love immensely. We dated for a little while and then were engaged to be married. The relationship had thus far been very tumultuous, but not so different for most 19 and 20 year old young lovers. Almost as soon as our engagement had begun we had broken it off due to our constant fighting. However, shortly thereafter we found out that she was expecting our first child. This was quite a shock for us as we both had come from relatively religious upbringing. When we broke it to her family, her father and mother asked me not to come around and that they would take care of everything.

I was so broken hearted, and felt so rejected. All I wanted to do was the ďright thingĒ and marry her and be a good father and husband. During this time I had found out through a mutual friend that when she was sixteen, she had gone through with an abortion from a pregnancy from a boyfriend in high school-ďGreggĒ. It felt like a hot knife pierced my gut. To have found out such a thing from a third party and not her was like somebody tearing my heart out with their bare hands. I mustered the will to call her and ask her about what I was told and she told me that it was none of my business and ďher past was, her pastĒ.

Occasionally when we were dating he would come over late at night and they would talk on the porch while I was inside the house waiting for her to return. Anytime I brought the subject up for discussion with her, she would just tell me it was none of my business, and it was in her past.

September 13, 2011 at 4:24 pm
(71) MyPast isMYPAST says:

I was discharged from the Navy and decided to move on and go to college and she remained at home with her parents. However, after our child was born we did have reconciliation and eloped to be married when my child was almost one-year old. We were not married for more than three or four months before we were continually arguing

December 13, 2011 at 9:55 am
(72) Ann says:

I’ve been experiencing the stonewalling tactics from my partner for the last 6 years or so, I tried to talk to him but he would n’t engage. I have now reached a point where I have said I want to separate, it has taken me a long time to reach the decision but I felt I have had no option as I have been in an unfulfilling relationship for 6-7 years. Strangely, now that I have said I want to separate he has suddenly opened up. We have talked more in the last 9 days than we have in the last 9 years! He is now a broken man, desperatley trying to cling on to our relationship. Unfortunately for me it’s too late. I have switched off emotionally, and don’t feel that I can go back. Had he been willing to listen a few years ago things may have been totally different :(

December 23, 2011 at 6:18 am
(73) Deborah says:

I’ve been stonewalled for years also, last night, I couldn’t cry anymore after having the stupidest argument about something so small. He shut me out for years, now called, stonewalling.
I read the stories and many of them sound like it is a chapter from my home.. my life with ‘him’. He’s a narcissistic personality, and stonewalling – oooh yaa!!
Sad what I read is that there is NO hope for this if it happens in a marriage.
I love him, but the pushing away, no sex for years now, and yes! to some of you who pointed it out, he blames me or turns an argument into my fault. He’s so good at it that I didn’t really see how this happened to me.

I would like to save the marriage, but I’m not willing to share him with emotional affairs, physical affairs either. From what I read, I need to throw in the towel – forever.

We haven’t got children, because he’s so selfish, he pretents to ‘love children’, well, he doesn’t like them. now, I’m 50 this year, and I’d LOVE to adopt, but since I was a ‘home-maker/house-wife, whatever people call it today’ I put my life away so he could become successful. What am I to do? I feel stuck now, 18 years – lost so he can grow, and I can be there for him.. boy! I feel so darned stupid now. We have to sell our house in the worst market ever, so having money via selling the house is going to make my life .. like bad. I know he won’t miss me at all, and at this point, nor will I miss him anymore, but financially it will be difficult. I know one thing, I’ll be able to sleep at night without stresses of a head game each time I want to talk to him. Won’t miss that BS at all!!

I don’t know if these men (mostly men that is, I know women do this too) know what they are doing to the other partner, but it’s not right, and I hope that the someday experience it themselves. Karma! it’s a bitch I hope.

January 21, 2012 at 1:00 am
(74) agictJab says:

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April 11, 2012 at 10:34 am
(75) RS says:

This is somewhat I’m dealing with now. My wife has a tendency of “telling me what she thinks I want to hear” until it becomes a bigger issue and she lashes out. I’ve asked her several times that not to do this. Explained that if I anything were to actually change, then honesty and an upfront approach to situations would be a necessity. The probem only continues when I respond to the things that she says, and I could start off in a civil manner but she would provoke it more with cruel statements and insults. I am not a soft or emotional man by any means but there’s a line before you cut someone as deeply as you can and it seems her aim is that line everytime until the next day where she ‘calms down’ and apologizes. At times I let it slide because I don’t like to stay angry but the other times, its just not enough. What do I do?!?

April 18, 2012 at 11:09 am
(76) liaiClen says:

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April 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm
(77) Kb says:

I want a divorce. I’m am on the verge of a mental breakdown

May 9, 2012 at 11:35 pm
(78) Kylie says:

I have been married almost 35 years. Got married when I was 17 and he was 21. I am in day 7 of yet another cycle “the silent treatment”, or stonewalling, over the fact that I drove myself 15 miles up the busy L.A. freeway to visit my daughter and granddaughter. He says it is too far, and not to do it again. He asks why can’t they come to my house. I will not abide by that “rule”, so now I am getting stonewalled. Another “deal-breaker” for him. I cannot go anywhere in the evenings without him. If I choose to go to even a book club, it’s a deal-breaker, and he will stonewall until I concede and agree to change back to his terms.

Stonewalling is pure torture. He comes home and does own his thing, like I don’t exist. He sleeps in the other room. Our daughters are grown and gone, so I no longer cook or do his laundry when he is in one of these stonewalling moods. He doesn’t seem to care.

I have tried and tried to explain to him how this hurts me. He used to say he would rather not get yelled at. I can see that. But now, he says he just doesn’t care. Ahh, but when things are good, and when he has me all to himself, things are great! He treats me like a queen and does care! It’s when other people are too involved in my life that things get bad.

I used to lash out and pick a fight to get his attention back to the real world, but I no longer do that. I am too old and too tired, so I just wait it out. I don’t know what else to do. I know he is jealous and insecure. I cannot leave. I have no place to go, and not enough money. And mostly, I am too afraid.

I know stonewalling is about power, all about control, or actually loss-of-control. He says he is “taking care” of me by setting these rules about where I go, or don’t go. Bull. It is about fear, fear, fear. I wish he would divorce me like he says he would. But he won’t even leave.

May 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm
(79) Princess Andie says:

I’ve been married for (8) years. Been w/the same man since I was (25) and since he got a new job he as not been the same.

I do all the cleaning as I am an apartment manager, also the laundry as well. He use to bring me a cup of coffe w/the newspaper and say:” Special delivery Mam.”

When he comes from work & cant’ find a bowl he goes crazy. It is a shock as this is a change from just (1) year ago. At times I try to talk but he goes to bed. Sometimes he will talk the next day but I will only speak to him in Arabic- his 1st language. I am hurt at his seemingly disregard. I think he doesn’t even know he is aware he is doing it as I have picked up after him hand & foot. It’s just now in my 40′s I need a bit of help. He use to help me when I asked. Sometimes he does, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth.

Maybe he is going thru a mid-life crisis. Or maybe because he didn’t have children. I think I should go away for a couple months and when I come back, see how things are. I also think we work too hard.

When you quite having fun, all work & no play makes Jack a dull boy?

May 31, 2012 at 12:16 am
(80) lc says:

I have been dating a man for 6 years and now I have a word to call his “shutting down”. It happens when I am upset or confused about something and want to discuss and clear the air. He becames defensive, saying he can’t do anything right. jeesh. He has never expressed any anger towards me except when I have expressed anger with him. He doesn’t want any conflict saying he doesn’t want to argue. But the stonewalling just makes me more frustrated and goes from a question to full blown arguement. AFter reading all these posts, I am questioning our future. He is wonderful in every other way…loyal, faithful, generous, reliable, etc. This really is the only thing about him that has made me fquestion marrying him. I know you all are probably saying RUN! comments??

June 19, 2012 at 10:45 pm
(81) Chuck says:

Can’t believe that I found this website. So many posts could be describing my wife. She has stonewalled me for most of our 25 year marriage. Never shows affection to me or initiates intimacy. Gives me the silent treatment as punishment for the smallest thing. If I try to discuss my concerns with her, she quickly turns the conversation to how I’ve wronged her. Everything is my fault, nothing is ever her fault. She’s never acknowledged doing anything wrong nor has she ever apologized — in 25 years. I’m always the one who gives in and apologizes. Our children are grown now and I question why I stay with her on daily basis. She hasn’t worked outside the home for most of our marriage and has no plans to return to work. But she also does no housework, calls a cleaning service which I work to pay for, lazes around most of the time when she’s not socializing with her girlfriends. I’m tired of being ignored and tired of being the bad guy. Problem is that I don’t want to have to pay alimony to her or split our assets that I’ve worked my whole adult life to accumulate. It sucks but I feel stuck. At least I know that I’m not alone after reading all of these posts.

August 6, 2012 at 12:51 pm
(82) I did know says:

I did know I was doing this to my wife I care about my kids and my wife but I was thinking avoiding conflicts or discus coin was better way. I did know, I was an abuser I thought I was the one trying to be the pacifier. Well I guess she got tire because she is doing the stonewalling now an is not fun We live with her family and she is making me feel alone. She interact with every one except me she act she don’t care any more and make some bad comments to really hurt me like, my mother pass away just a year ago and make bad comments why she die, she don’t have remorses any more. I don’t justify myself but I am no bad person I don’t smoke or drink,I don’t use bad language, I go to the church and I work hard to give them a good life. The reason I avoid talk is because she star demanding and rise the voce and not accepting what I say she said she don’t believe me and is when I say so what you asking me or talk to me if you don’t belive me and I don’t want ear more. After reading all this comment I going to talk to her just to plan our divorce like a friend she is the mother our my kid and I want visit them on good matter, I am tire of the situation my kid love her more than they love me and they allway live me alone too she is responsible good mother and she take care of them better than me.

August 19, 2012 at 10:28 am
(83) gary says:

i am in a marriage like this. my wife is stonewalling me. i have left the home to give her(her space). i have wrote many letters and emails. It seems she gets a head ache after awhile and tells me to leave or just says this is what happenes in life. i have been going to consuling for me being jealous and lack of trust from both of us. she never seems to or has a lack of trying to make this work…her part little progress. i’ve accused her of cheating for a while..her respone is that adultry is not our problem and i’m not a cheater…my response…no trust and jealousy. i do so love her but she is twisting me around from being ok to down right cold. we both feel alone and have for a few years…i won’t be surprised if it ends ugly

September 15, 2012 at 5:04 pm
(84) dcraw says:

This is my life for the pass 44 yrs. and its going to come to a end. Thank you About.com for bringing this to light, that it wasn’t me. Oh my gosh so much makes sense now. I just can’t believe it. I was told about 20yrs ago that he was passive aggressive but I never knew what it detailed. I hope all that got divorced have found true happiness.

November 24, 2012 at 2:32 am
(85) trying2forgivemyself4mystupidity says:

When asked to own up, fess up, be real, talk from the feeling level, the real intimate bare your soul to me level, he is a teenager. We all have an innerbrat, and he has at least two. One is 14 yrs old in my estimation and that 14yr old has run his marriage, his finances, his sex life, and his parenting. He is emotionally impotent at age 14. cannot, will not, does not answer any question straight, but rather with some kind of sick joke or comment.I always said when the going gets tough, he gets going. I also always said, he loves to live in a world of ambiguity because then he cannot be held accountable for anything. I always felt bad I believed those things. I should have listened to my innervoice and taken it more seriously. He cannot handle the truth, that he is immature emotionally, and is irresponsible. He cannot answer truthfully to me any answer. I believed him so much for so long, and it was all lies…RIP 1970-2012.

December 2, 2012 at 7:36 pm
(86) AIR MAX says:

Your style is so unique compared to other folks I’ve read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just bookmark this site.

January 18, 2013 at 8:56 pm
(87) johnny says:

I think I am the stonewaller in our relationship. We can’t go to counseling any more because my wife uses the fact of counseling as a weapon against me. She says that the counseling is for me, not us, because I am the cause of all of our problems. She uses similar tactics when we argue (not that I am a saint, but I try very hard not to betray). I cannot confide in her how I feel without the risk of having it used against me in some way later. I cannot sit there and feel unaccepted and un-listened-to – it feels like it is making the problem worse. I love my kids, feel trapped. I make the money, and I spend what feels to me like a reasonable time with my kids. I do need a fair amount of alone time, and I want to play music with friends once a week – this is a major sore spot.

June 28, 2013 at 12:25 pm
(88) cat says:

I’m certain my marriage is over, and was over long before I even knew about it. Married 20 yrs and dated nearly 5 yrs before marriage. Only child of an extremely jealous and controlling mother, didn’t move out till he was 30 yrs old, and several other nightmarish stories. What I couldn’t see was that he is a narcissist who has perfected the art of lying. What I discovered in only the last 3 yrs is that he never did stop playing the field. And when I finally put his back to the wall, that’s when the real ugly person came out and said the worst things to me. I feel trapped because of health problems which keep me from being able to do the work I used to do. He’s hiding a lot of money but I can’t prove it b/c it’s in his mother’s bank accounts I’m sure. We have a teen daughter. She wants nothing more to do with his parents and would rather she and I lived alone here without him. I pray for healing and a way out.

November 27, 2013 at 9:23 pm
(89) Sadly says:

My philosophy on this topic comes from over two decades of marriage. It will offend some I imagine but if you are one who feels this way you do have my apologies in advance as this is not my intent.

Do you find it interesting that we as a society expect the feelings we have between one another to last forever when we don’t even understand ourselves?

It’s tough for us to know what we want from a spouse. A partner. A soul mate. Whatever you feel that person is, your needs will evolve as you evolve. Nothing in this world is forever. All things pass. Your feelings for one another may evolve, change or even die. All of it is painful regardless of what it is. It will all hurt and you should expect it. Nobody tells us that though. It wouldn’t matter if they did as we all know. Funny how that is huh? But very true.

And just like we would not listen then, you most likely will not listen now. But you will not find happiness in marriage. You may be content. But do you remember when that special person made you more happy than you have ever been in your life by far? It’s so hard to let that go. It will go. When it does you will never forget it. It may take years for this to slowly eat away at you. Decades but it will in time. We never forget that powerful of a feeling of love. You may find that feeling again but it too will leave. Humans are not capable of unconditional love. Only animals and God are.

I wish you all the best in your lives and sincere lasting happiness.
Do not be sad my friends. Your sadness will pass too :-)
The sun will come out again in your heart.

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