Stonewalling
I have a friend who is having marital problems. She deals with the problems by stonewalling. She refuses to cooperate with her husband in finding solutions to the problems. She rebuffs any attempt he makes at discussing the problems by leaving the house. This woman is always going shopping or running down to the local Farmer’s Market to pick up some fresh vegetables. She is busy doing everything she can think of except participating in communication with her husband over the marital problems.
In other words, her actions are pushing him closer and closer to filing for divorce. In my opinion, stonewalling is the number one reason marriages end up in divorce court. People like my friend who refuses to engage in authentic and heartfelt discussion with their spouse are passively destroying the relationship.
Nothing is more frustrating than tying to work through a problem with a spouse who refuses to work with you. I can say this due to my own personal experience. Marriage comes with a certain amount of conflict and if you are not willing to engage in the conflict…in a fair and civil manner, you should not expect your marriage to survive. Better yet, you should not be surprised when your marriage fails.
My friend, she will be surprised. She will be surprised because in her mind she is doing herself and her husband a favor by stonewalling. She has this skewed belief that the less fighting the healthier the marriage. She believes that problems ignored disappear on their own. Is she ever going to be surprised when she finally learns that problems ignored only grow into problems that can only be solved in divorce court.
What did you do the last time your spouse came to you with a problem? Did you grab your car keys and leave him/her alone to deal? Or, did you give your marriage and your spouse the respect they deserve and engage in a little authentic, heartfelt discussion?
Happy Couples Fight
Comments
Totally agree with this one. This is the reason the ‘great’ marriage I thought I was in ended this past March. My ex would never talk about a problem – just store it for 18 years until he exploded. For me – it was like getting a dump truck of 18 years of rubble dropped on top of you at one time. No one I know could survive it either!
I’m actually the one being stonewalled right now. I’ve tried to communicate with my husband face-to-face and through letters without any success. I thought we were partners, but it seems that only applies in his case when things are going good. Avoidance has been a common theme for awhile and I’m not exactly sure what to do. I’m in a marriage but feel so alone.
My husband has always done this and today I am very stubborn and against him.When ever tried talking to him he would not speak or react.Lots of time would walk out of the house or the place or would just end the topic.I am sick n tiered of the whole thing now and want to get rid of the situation
My wife and I do not talk to each other for 2 days even though I tell her I am sorry…..because I know I am the other half of the disagreement
This happened to me for a very long time except my husband was doing the stonewalling. Every time I would try to have a heartfelt conversation I would be stonewalled or told the problems did not exist. I would try and wait for calm moments, try and find times when I thought he would be receptive but in addition to stonewalling he would become angry and abusive. The more I tried, the worse it became. I finally filed for divorce this past February and will be out by the end of this month. The divorce should be final by October and I have custody of my children which is all I really care about.
I’m in the process of divorcing my husband of 28 years. We never resolved a fight because he would always leave the house and refuse to talk it over. If I asked to talk about it later he would just storm out of the house again. After 27 years of this I left him for a man who does listen and talks things through, I never knew what a real relationship was like until now.
My husband has done the same thing. He has had emotional affairs the past few years and does not think he has done anything wrong. Says they are friends and just conversation. We seperated and was going to try to work on things, but he would not discuss anything. Said he is single, wants to date me on Saturdays but he can see anyone he wants, screw anyone he wants, but wanted to leave Saturdays for me. Everytime I try to discuss anything with him, telling him he needs a committment in order to work things out and resolve confilcts he would hang up on me. Does not want to discuss it. It is so frustrating to try to talk to someone that avoids any conflict issue. Now he blames me for the marriage seperation. He has someone new in his life now he says, but plays head games with me by saying he missess me, can not shake me, and he can not get me out of his mind. He still will not discuss anything with me, each time the subject is brought up he hangs up on me. Because of his head games, and the frustration there are times that it seems like I am going crazy because of the frustration, and the anger and frustration is coming out of me because of it.
It is hard, but the mental and emotional abuse he is creating has me hating him more and more each day. I am no longer trying to resolve the marriage. There is no hope anymore I know that, but it is hard to let go. When I as him if he wants a divorce he does not answer me, when I ask him if he wants to reconcile this marriage I get he does not have crystal balls, he does not know what the futre holds.
Stonewalling has destroyed our marriage. And the fighting and arguing that it has caused because he would not discuss or resolve issues.
From my own experience, the stonewalling has created a lot of anger, and resentment to the point that it has caused a lot of physoclogial damage to me, as well as emotional damage. I do not wish this on any one. In my mind stonewalling is a selfish act, one that the stonewaller thinks only of their own feelings, and not the other spouse, or partner.
I have been stonewalled by my wife for months. Even after going to a therapist and identifying stonewalling and how common it is and the fact that marriages do not survive it. I had to drag her to go to a counselor. She refuses to sit and have a heart to heart talk. When we do sit down to talk it turns into a criticism and a contempt fest. I am done. I am in the process of ending the relationship by moving out and then filing for divorce.
“Stonewalling” is a new word but not a new situation. My husband has been doing this to me in the past 20 years. There are also times when he’d deny what had happened when I try to discuss about the problems later on, making communication totally impossible. Now, I am fed up and don’t want to try to solve any problems between us. I know the only solution is getting a divorce.
27 years of stonewalling by my husband Any attempts by me to work on issues have always been written off as picking fights. How can you resolve something without discussion?
All those years gone down the drain — what a terribly waste of time for both of us, it has brought everything to an end.
I am the victim of a stonewaller. My husband is the one that keeps stonewalling. Nothing can ever be solved. He keeps promising to do something and when the 6 months are up or its May as he said he would do what he is suppose to do he keeps buying more and more time. He tells me maybe October. I am married a little over ten years now and I have waited years for my husband to go to a doctor so that we can have a child. I am almost forty now without a child and running out of time. I am waiting four years after the worst disaster in history for my husband to sell the home, get a job, and leave the disaster area to be with me in another safer location and city. Well we are separated for a little over two years now and I am still waiting for him to be with me and do something. But still nothing is done and i am just sick and tired of waiting and waiting for nothing to ever happen and to be left alone when he should be with me. The emotional pain is enormous. I think stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and a selfishness on the part of the stonewaller. I have tried everything but nothing works. Whether I stay or leave it doesn;t get him to do anything. He won’t budge. I am just through I can’t take it anymore. If anyone has any suggestion please respond and help me. I am at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do.
My wife stonewalls me. Nothing is ever discussed as the contempt for my feelings is obvious. I have no right to feel. If I need something, I am needy. If I try to talk about it I am apparently “whiny”. I live with a woman that uses her self-hate as a tool to remain lazy and selfish. Imagine how easy it is to pull that crutch out everytime I try to be affectionate, or need affection. How can people not realize how selfish it is to concern yourself with how much someone is asking of you, rather then taking responsibility for the love you say you have. Trust me folks, if you say you love someone, act like it, if not you are a waste of time and a Liar.
I too am a victim of the proverbial “I love you, but am not in love with you” What a cop-out ! Married 24 years and soon to be ex-wife will NOT discuss any issues..states I over-analyze, but at least I attempt to talk about things. She retreats into 12 hours of soap operas and Lifetime “victim” TV at night..I love the woman and am losing everything in the divorce, but just can’t deal with her hostile silence anymore. Life’s too short..
My wife told me 6 months ago she doesn’t love me (after losing a baby the previous week). For 6 months since she has stonewalled. At counselling everything was my fault – fromher lack of education, lack of job and everything in between. I feel like I have been through a one-way counselling process. She refuses to discuss or share anything and spends 12 hours a day hiding on facebook. If I try to discuss anything halfway through she will walk away to facebook. Well I have now reached the end of my tether and divorce is now inevitable. I only wish she had been honest enough to say it earlier. What a waste of 6 months.
I’ve been married one time. Not only was I emotionally stonewalled for most of the two years we were married, I was the one who was left … and I got the “I love you, but am not in love with you” line. And in dating, I’ve still had to experience the same drama. My hopes that there is a sincere, willing, and transparent person out there have so far met with bubkis, there just seems to be too much emotional instability out there.
I didn’t know there was a word for this, but it’s exactly what my husband does to me. We haven’t even been married three years yet and it’s already destroyed the marriage. Rather than discuss problems, he just waits for them to go away. They never do go away, I just become more resentful every time I have to swallow my feelings. The rare occasions he will talk, he does so for about five minutes, turns away and says he has lost interest. It hurts so much to be treated so poorly. I’m just grateful I only wasted three years on him.