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Cathy Meyer

Spouse Threatens Divorce One Too Many Times

By August 7, 2008

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Threats of Divorce:

Meganís husband has spent years threatening divorce every time he gets upset. She has finally had enough and decided that she wants a divorce. What should she do now that her husband has turned into the ultimate nice guy?

Question:

When my husband gets mad at me, he threatens a divorce. He has done this for years on end and Iíve lived with the fear that he was one day going to leave. Iím finally through with being afraid and realize that I want out of this marriage. Now that Iíve started divorce proceedings the guy who threatened divorce so often is being super nice. He is buying me roses, crying and begging me not to leave. He has done this before and when I change my mind things go back to the way they used to be. Him getting pissed and yelling at me that he wanted divorce.

I plan to go ahead with the divorce but I canít help but wonder why someone would cry divorce so often if that isnít what they really want.

Read my response to Megan

I would love to know my reader's thoughts on Megan's situation. Do you agree with my advice, do you disagree or do you have a differing opinion? Click on the comments link below and tell me what you think Megan should do.

Comments
August 8, 2008 at 6:37 pm
(1) going through something similar says:

My spouse asked me for a divorce every week or two for a couple years. I stayed in the relationship for years for the children until I understood that my marriage was making me so unhappy that I was incapable of being an effective and emotionally available parent.

Like Megan, when I had finally had enough, I also told my spouse that we should proceed with a divorce. My spouse then told me that it was all (essentially) a negotiating tactic, that they weren’t serious about wanting a divorce.

Like Megan’s marriage, our marriage also suffered from poor communication. If you are married to a poor communicator, proceeding with a divorce will escalate tension and anger and (likely) diminish the quality of communication rather than increase it. While separation might be beneficial, proceeding as if a divorce is in progress will work against any potential efforts to salvage the relationship.

If Megan is serious about potentially wanting to stay with her husband, they should seek counseling. I agree wholeheartedly about not repeating mistakes and would recommend that if Megan and her husband decide to attempt to save their relationship, that they should better understand their relationship. Books such as:

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman

Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks

or perhaps

The Ever-Transcending Spirit: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Consciousness, and Development by Toru Sato

Another book that Megan might find helpful is:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

August 9, 2008 at 3:02 am
(2) kathy says:

hey megan all I can say is leave, if he has been threatening to leave then get away from him. he sounds like he does not want to be with you any more, good luck

August 10, 2008 at 12:16 am
(3) janieee says:

I agree with the advice you were given, but not only do some people not have the maturity or desire to work things through or grow in relationship skills, many simply do not wish to. I also had an ex that would often scream “I want a divorce” if I would question him about infidelity. When he finally found the girlfriend he wanted, he divorced me and then I had others come forward and tell me he had cheated for years. He only screamed “I want a divorce” to subdue me into quieting down/not questioning him. In that way he had control over the situation and over me. This was a tactic he would use to shut me up.

August 11, 2008 at 1:09 pm
(4) William Lew says:

To Megan,

Anyone who wants to rush you into a divorce is not giving you a good advice or doing you a good service. Before you get into such a big dicision you must first ask yourself what has really got you and your spouse into such a situation? Is it money matter? Is is incompatibility? I tell you that it is neither. The real culprit is the little shortcoming of character of yourself or your husband or both! What is that? Well it is the temper, anger or some moral thing that someone does not know how to control.

These are what we call the dark forces that are playing on human! This is exactly what the dark forces want you to do – to break up your family and they will laugh louder when they succeed in hurting people, especially those who have children! The more hurt they can inflict on you and your family the happier they will be! So beware of the dark forces that are looking at every opportunity to destroy you, your husband and your family!!! and they will succeed if you or your husband is not careful!!!

People cannot control their temper, anger, because they cannot understand it is the dark forces that are taking advantage of their character faults or weaknesses. So the only way to win over the dark forces is to understand their own characters first. And until and unless they understand their own character weaknesses they will find it difficult to control them!

Try to get yourself and your husband to understand the dark forces and the charaacter matter. If one or both can truly understand and become aware of this character faults then the battle against the dark forces is already won!

When you can understand and become aware of this then you can absorb any blow that come your way and you will not feel pain or hurt! Remember that understanding is a very beautiful thing! It is only when you fight rock with rock that there will be sparks. A rock is of no use against a pile of cotton or water in the pond.

Show your husband that you have a superior character quality and you are a good wife and your and in time he will see and understand see his own character. If you can do this then you are a real winner!

Teach him instead of fighting him. Show him what beautiful person you are inside out and you will be a superior person indeed!

Hope this will help. If you have any question let me know. Just in case you need my email. Here it is: williamlew@successhaveeyes.com

Regards
William Lew

August 13, 2008 at 6:56 pm
(5) wanda says:

Well, I would never take advice from anybody who tries to sell you something or link you to their website. If you can’t live without him, stay. Otherwise leave. Why not get divorced and then just live together? An awful lot of men see a marriage licence as a certificate of ownership. He might treat you better if he thinks you are free to leave at any time.

August 21, 2008 at 1:56 pm
(6) mari says:

I feel your hurt Megan. I have a husband who threats to leave started in our first month of marriage. We have been married 2 years, and we have an infant. Enough is enough. After the cycle of threats to leave chased by loving words continues, I am leaving. I now have two more weeks till my son and I can move into our new apartment, and depending on the time of day he is either begging for me back or wishing my life to end. I cannot physically take the rollercoaster any longer. I haven’t been able to get his threats and verbal abuse to quit, and I need to protect my son from this unhealthy home. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He says I am ruining my sons life by breaking our home, but our home is allready broke. I just feel numb. Now that he knows I am serious, I will never go back on my decisions because he has hurt me so bad with his words. He too started begging nicely, with love and gifts. Now he has thrown away our rings and tore me to shreds. Be careful not to be manipulated to stay for the wrong reasons.

August 27, 2008 at 12:38 am
(7) Karen says:

Just wanted to say I have been going though some of the same things you are going through. I am now separated from my husband because like you I got tired of being threatened and I was so unhappy. But the blame always turned on me. I don’t know how long you have been married but I was married almost 20 years and I decided I did not want to be 60 years old and look back and realize my marriage and life was miserable. Don’t wait, if you are out and comfortable stay out. My husband and I had a rough marriage and separated several times and I should have stayed gone. This time is for good. Good luck and don’t let him break you down.

September 8, 2008 at 9:21 pm
(8) THill says:

I’m sorry…just don’t feel it’s a lack of maturity. His threats are meant to control you and it is part of abuse. You should read Patricia Evans, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” to start. Then, follow it with “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. Once you recognize your situation for what it is, the better equiped you are to deal with it. Good luck to you and may God Bless you for your hardships.

September 10, 2008 at 11:53 am
(9) KC says:

I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing right now. We’ve been married for almost three years and he started threatening divorce within 2 months of the wedding. (because the dishwasher wasn’t unloaded) We have a 2 yr old and that is the only reason I’ve stayed. I thought I could deal with it or ignore it. Well I can’t anymore. Threatening divorce is a control tactic. When I think back about it – he did the same thing when we were dating. Not only is he controling but his screaming and vicious name calling has been verbal and mental abuse. I’ve read the books mentioned above – specifically “Why Does He Do That” and my husband falls under the “Mr. Right” category of abusers. I’ve stayed because I thought it was the right thing for my son but I now know that it just simply is not. He refuses counseling – says he doesn’t have a problem. I believe that people can change with the lords help (as implied by another commentor) but who knows when or IF that will happen. Meanwhile your life is on hold and miserable and your child is negatively affected (collateral damage). Don’t be manipulated by this man anymore – if he was serious about wanting this relationship he would first have to admit his wrong doings (which mine would never do) and develop and put into action a plan to change his behavior. (counseling) And even if he did that I would be seperated from him. Because sadly these types rarely change. Now that I am finally taking action and pursuing divorce I am getting more threats and being promised “a nasty divorce if I don’t give him what he wants”. Don’t waste more of your precious time/life having to deal with and worry about this insecure, immature, controlling, self centered and abusive person. Good Luck.

October 15, 2008 at 2:11 am
(10) robyn says:

To all of you wondering if you should stay in an abusive relationship just for the child sake! Run don’t walk and get out of that relationship….i have been a super mom but due to my ex husband verbally abusing me for 20 years my 16 year old son has picked this up…and does not respect me…if i had of known that it would have hurt my son if i stayed I would have NEVER, EVER STAYED WITH THIS PERSON!!!! RUN WHILE YOU ARE YOUNG!!! PROTECT YOUR CHILD…THEY ONLY GET WORSE AS THEY GET OLDER!!!

December 28, 2008 at 4:29 pm
(11) Jonathan says:

I have been married for almost 2 years and it is my wife who has talked about separating and divorce. I left her about two weeks ago because I told her if she said it again I was gonna leave and not come back and I have. I has cussed me in public and gone out to bars to smoke and drink while I am at home with her daughter, my step-daughter(whom I love very much). She will stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning. Now she begs me to come back. She says she will change but she hasn’t before so how do I know anything will be different. She is being treated for depression now and I am glad. She says we will go to a therapist and I am willing but I am still unsure. I understand everything you are going through and appreciate your sharing. If anyone has any advice, it is welcome.

January 7, 2009 at 11:50 pm
(12) Deserve better says:

Well my husband has been on good behavior for a few weeks, but tonight he reverted back to his old self…after me expressing my opinion on a money matter that I thought was a discussion, from the other room I heard him say “It makes me want to leave, and you’re money hungry.”
Happy new year to me. I thought it was strange that we are one week into 2009 without his abuse. We have been together 34 years, married 30. We legally separated 2 or 3 times, while our child was growing up. When child graduated high school, moved out of state. Then got married and lives in a foreign country. I know child was adversely affected from abuse witnessed by angry and verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive father.
After being empty nesters for couple years, my husband finally snapped one day over minor agrument and left me, bought a house out of state. We stayed separated for 3 1/2 years but hoped to reconcile. I welcomed him back with open arms, but soon abuse began all over again.
I feel like a fool for letting him back. I really need to let him go again, but he scares me with his anger. I think I finally am ready to ask for a divorce. I think all the above 11 responses to Megan’s heartache all hold good advice, that I want to take myself. Good luck and God bless!

February 2, 2009 at 2:19 am
(13) Nicole says:

I am in a situation I am unsure of how to handle. I love my husband very much. We met in a chat room when we were only 13 and our love started as a chat friendship for five years while we were in school living at home. When I turned 18 I took a trip to meet him in person and it was perfect. I honestly felt I had found that “one person”, “your other half” or ďsoulmateĒ. So we started dating then in person it was great, actually perfect for while. We had been friends for so long it came some naturally. He moves around a lot for work, so I moved with him and this went on for years. At one point we broke up because I felt the relationship was verbally abusive and he was ignoring me all the time and spent too much time on the computer. I probably should have stayed away. But after 6 months I needed his help on the computer because of an assignment that was due, and I wanted to see how he was. We decided that we both loved each other and wanted to give it another shot. We have been back together for over 5 years now.

I have live in 9 towns and attended 6 colleges in 8 years. We moved to this great town with lots of opportunity and a place for me to finish school. I convinced him owning a home was a great investment since I needed to be in one town for a while, since I was losing credit hours with all the moving. We bought the house while we were dating. Now we are married. I needed to be grounded; I was tired of moving every few years. I donít have many lasting friendships because every time I get close to someone he takes another job and we move. Own the house has changed this pattern though.

He started contracting just months after we bought the home because it was good money. We learned when you have more money coming in your tend to spend more. He was in Alaska for his first contract and it wasnít so bad, he came home to visit every two months for two weeks. And we were able to spend time together, and we spent money too. So he felt he wasnít making enough. So he convinced me Kuwait was a green zone and our relationship could handle the distance since we started out online we could just pick up there and have stay in touch via email or chats and occasional phone calls. Well he had proposed to me while he was going the Alaska contract, so four days before he left for Kuwait he wanted an impromptu wedding. I thought this relationship was the ďforeverĒ kind and that it was just a piece of paper. Plus with all the extra money he would be making we could use the tax break. So we got married just 48 hours before he left to Kuwait. I had begged him not to go but he assured me that our love will last. The first part of the year we were great. We took his vacation and had a Thailand honeymoon. Then just months after the Thailand vacation we started fighting, mainly about money. He blamed me for every penny that was spent. Mostly because he would have me buy things or he would buy them for me, he was concerned about me being depressed. I live 8 hours from my family. Well when the fights started there were no threats of divorce, just heated arguments.

After Kuwait he had not accomplished the goals he set out to accomplish so he took another contract job in Iraq. Every since he has been there are fights have become more heated and he had been threatening divorce for the last 9 months. At first I was hurt and I begged him to stay and to for us to talk to someone. I was so upset. So it came up again and again each time I would cry and beg him to stay. Just before his last visit he threatened it again; I even got numbers for counselors hoping we could fix this. He refused to spend the time he had a home talking to therapist. We fought two more times while he was home and he said we should get a divorce and each time I have managed to keep the relationship going. He actually saw me break down while he was asking, so I thought he realized the pain it caused and that we could make it work. He said we could try counseling we he returned in 6 months. Since then just over 30 days, he has decided to sign another contract and threatened divorce yet again. This time he emailed me divorce terms. I donít want any of the money he is offering to me, because I feel that is what is driving him. I cried and talked to him about the terms and then he calls wanting me to tell him we can make this work.

So now I am at a cross roads. I love him very much but I think he must want to leave since he brings up divorce so often. I am preparing myself to let him go. I told him that I didnít want to lose him either. But after a day I realize it hurts so much, I am numb now. I donít know how I can make it work, because I have lost all confidence in our marriage and I donít know if we do work things out, if I could ever trust that it will last. I am 27 now. And the fairytale love I thought I had is fading before me and I donít know if I can try to make it work anymore. Many of you talk about communication. I think my problem is we have too much communication and not enough really. We are always on a chat together and when he calls we have nothing to talk about so itís hard to keep the conversation going. He is in iraq so he cant discuss much of anything over there. We have grown apart because we no longer have anything in common. I am sorry about the length of this comment. I just donít anyone in a situation quite like mine so I felt I needed to go in depth on the situation to see if anyone can offer advice.

February 5, 2009 at 10:59 am
(14) Debbie says:

I have gone thru the same situation. A few years ago my husband was spending a lot of time on his cell phone calling various single woman. I tried to explain to him that it was not right. He started playing games, hiding the cell phone, lies, said I was imagining things, clearing his calling list and received list. This was causing a lot of conflict, and he did not care how I was feeling about it. Each time we would have an arguement he would say I want you out of my life, I do not love you. This went on at least a couple times a month for two years. The emotional devastation became so much from hearing it that I eventually asked him to leave. He said he said those things because he was angry. We seperated, and at the start he wanted to rekindle our love, our marriage, but because I would not take him back one week after I asked him to leave, he started to change. He would not give me a committment to work on the marriage, no men, no woman. Anger set in, he became very verbally abusive, telling me the same thing again, telling me it was over. He told me that he could talk to anyone he wanted to, see anyone he wanted to, and screw anyone he wanted to. For six months I asked him to talk about things, resolve our issues, I was called every name in the book, same ole thing did not want me in his life, but in the second breath gave me signals such as love songs, telling me he missed me, and so on and so forth. The third month of seperation he met a woman, whom he told me was just a friend, but it was more, it was a love affair. During the next three months even while he was with her he would phone me after she left his home, with sadness, telling me he missed me, but he kept telling her it was over between him and I, he wanted nothing to do with me. But he would phone me at all hours of the night telling me differently, but he would never let anyone know he was calling me. I confronted the woman telling her about his calls, and of course he lied to her and said I was lying. Two weeks before xmas, he broke up with her, said again they were just friends, that there had been no sex or intamacey, and I beleived him. He told me he loved me again and could not live without me. The first week I was with him the woman came to the house to get a few of her things. I out and asked her about their relationship, she said she was in love with him, and he had told her how much he loved her.
Well, when I questioned him on it, he became very angry, in a rage, and told me what right did I have asking her, can,t I leave well enough alone. Then again told me he wanted me out of his life again. He is one that will not discuss anything, avoids all resolving of issues, and uses anger and rage instead of communicating. Well I left after that again. Then he went back the next day to the woman. Well, again he kept me with the hopes and signals of wanting me back, but kept saying to me, let it take its course. Finaly last week he came to me, asking me to forgive him, and he loved me and did not want to go threw life without me. Stupidly, I beleived him again. But he would not discuss or communicate on issues we had to resolve, or the hurt and emotional pain that not only the two years of telling me he did not love me, and wanted me out of his life, but would not understand the pain of the past 6mths or his affair. According to him, he did nothing wrong.
Anyways, the night before he came to me wanting me back, he had been making plans with the other woman about going on a cruise together, and a number of other things. He had also told me a lie, that I asked him about in a very calm manner. Well his rage came out again, telling me he wanted me out of his life, that he wanted a divorce, and why can,t I leave the past alone. The question I asked him about a lie he told me, had only been a lie from 2 days before. To me that is not the past! I have again since left the relationship. He thinks that the emotional trauma and hurt he put me threw is just suppose to go away overnight and is to be completely forgotten about. I needed to heal from it all, but when he said again that he wanted me out of his life I felt the pain all over again. He blames me for everything. But it is very emotionaly devastating .
I really do not think he realizes the emotional devastation and hurt that his words and actions have caused. How does a person ever get past the hurt and heal?
I do think he does love me, but takes no responsibility for his actions, and will not communicate or resolve issues such what his words are doing to our marriage!

March 12, 2009 at 2:33 pm
(15) Michelle says:

I don’t think you truly understand the benefits of this new law. Its not about the terminology and/or the love and care one parent shows towards their child or not. The new law will hopefully stop the fighting that goes on between 2 parents with regards to visitation. The “secondary” parent will automatically have more time with their child(ren). In the past the secondary was automatically given every other weekend and maybe a weekday night. This is what caused parents to fight. Why should one parent get less time than the other just because they were given a title of secondary. They also wanted to do away with the term so that others would not judge the “secondary” parent for not having primary.

March 30, 2009 at 3:49 pm
(16) Someone says:

I would like to state that I am in the same situation as the original subject, Megan. However the “Megan” is me, the husband, and my wife uses divorce as a threat, quite frequently. And it’s getting pretty old…

September 11, 2009 at 9:49 pm
(17) Doc Holiday says:

Well, 30 yrs into this marriage and its been a lot of threats of divorce when she doesnt want to discuss things. I think its a negotiating tactic or maybe just …hell I dont know. Been bad lately. Words hurt so bad. I had told her ONE MORE TIME and let her come back again. But I am about done. I cant take anymore and YES, dont want to wake up in ten more years doing the same song and dance. Surely there is someone out there who will love me, want me and not threaten me to get their way.

October 11, 2009 at 10:48 am
(18) collins says:

I have been married for almost 3 years. my husband is a control freak. He always talks about leaving and wanting a divorce. He has so much anger inside that I need out. I can’t go through this anymore. He talks about kiling, snapping my neck and just crazy stuff always. He always says I’m sleeping with my children father or any body. Tells everyone that steals his money and so forth. Last nite he got upset because i texted his friend about package i was suppose to get for my daughter. Blow up talking about I want a divorce and i can’t live like this you going behind my back texting my friends. you not my wife you must be his. this marriage is dangerous and i can’t live like this anymore. I’m going to ask him to leave.

November 11, 2009 at 5:42 pm
(19) Concerned and sympathetic says:

I have been with my husband for 25 years; married for almost 20 years. I put up with the verbal abuse when he was angry; thinking it was just the anger talking. Doesn’t mean that the words didn’t hurt. He would tell me when there was a disagreement that he wanted a divorce. We have 3 beautiful children; now mostly grown. I came to realize the affect his distructive behavior was having on our children. I didn’t want my boys to believe that you can treat women any way you want. And I didn’t want my daughter to think it was ok to have a man treat her this way. The final straw was when he went from verbal abuse to threatening physical harm. I took his key and told him to leave. That was on August 31st. We haven’t spoken since. I’ve tried to talk with him so we can work thru the divorce on friendly terms for our childrens’ sake. He puts our youngest son, 13, in the middle by attempting to have him deliver messages. Looking back I realize there were a lot of control issues. He blames me for all of the problems in our marriage, his relationships with his children and anything else he can think of. He accuses me of projecting my faults onto him but when I think about the things he says to me I realize that it’s not me who is projecting but him. I do love him and wish the best for him. But I figured out that neither of us were happy in the marriage. You truly have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. I also needed to learn that my happiness should not be contingent upon his happiness. I know I don’t have all the answers and probably never will. I know that I need to do what’s rights for me and my children. I can’t change how he handles himself through this, I can only provide the most stable environment for myself and our children. I try to remain positive through the hurt and encourage our children to try and have a relationship with their dad. He has told the older two children that he has washed his hands of them and only wishes to have a relationship with our youngest. I don’t know if he realizes the damage he causes by saying things like that. I wish anyone in a similar situation good luck. Do what’s right for you that way you can be happy with your decision.

March 28, 2010 at 9:35 pm
(20) Nora says:

This guy sounds like he is scared to be alone… but he is wanting control over you. I [not proud] have been the same way… and it took me 3 years and my husband taking a break for 2 months for me to realize what I was doing. He probably really loves you and is so insecure he can’t seem to believe you love him so he retreats to saying divorce as means for you to show him your love… even if you think you are showing it in obvious ways… he is having a warped sense of how to show love. I used to long for my husband to get jealous I thought that was what love was… but really thats possession… and he may really love you but he has issues! And maybe you should talk through them.

April 6, 2010 at 4:29 pm
(21) Patti says:

I married a man I had known for years. For 4 years we dated, then lived together, and he was kind and considerate – and sober. We were apart (due to his military service) and when we married, within a few months he started drinking heavily and becoming very verbally abusive, dry-firing a gun in the house pointed towards me, and threatening to beat me – but never did.

He has been diagnosed with severe PTSD from combat, something I consider not his fault, but his level of threats and paranoia are obvious to everyone, including men who served with him. (when a former Sgt. Major of his offered to talk with him, my husband claimed that he did not even know the Sgt. Major, even though they lived in the same barracks overseas for 2 years.) My husband is very sick and I have tried to help him, but he cannot be forced into counseling and he refuses to stop drinking (he drinks about 5 nights per week until he passes out).

The result? He’s suffering, mentally and physically. My blood pressure got so high that I had to be hospitalized for stress recently, and my treating doctors (2) urged me to divorce him. I am in therapy trying to figure out how I got to this point.

I have helped raise 3 of his children for a total of 7 years now but if we divorce I lose the right to see the children (with whom I am bonded, and they to me, but I am not legally related), so it is not just me who will be in pain here.

Furthermore, although my husband draws $7500 a month in retired military pay, I get nothing – I lose my health insurance, my house (because he keeps the kids, although he will have to hire a housekeeper), and all income. We don’t have enough equity in the house for me to walk away with any money for my own house and the state we live in does not give alimony to a woman without children. The military gives full benefits credit only to spouses who are married 20 years while the husband is on active duty, and I don’t fall in this category. All I can get is one year “transitional” for health insurance, and then I’m out on the street with nothing to show for the 7 years of love I have given to his young children when their own biological mother ditched on them years ago.

Do I think my husband will eventually kill me if I stay with him? Yes, I think it is a probablility, given his need to have at least 3 loaded guns in the house at all times and his paranoia of turning off lights to avoid “the people who want to kill me”, etc. When I went to the military for help, they said they can’t force him into treatment either – only if he was on active duty. A lawyer told me I can only have my husband held 72 hours on a mental health evaluation and then the judge will usually release the patient after a maximum of 30 days, so there is no real solution since my husband thinks he has no problem. Hospitalizing him forcibly would enrage him and put me in more danger.

People like to think that women who stay with emotionally abusive men somehow like being doormats. I don’t. I have seen my self-esteem disappear. The military should address this issue and realize that not every wife can stick with a man for 20 years who is so obviously mentally ill. Even my husband’s older children (my stepsons) say their father is “nuts” and needs a psychiatrist, but they, too, are afraid of what he would do if we try to have him forced into treatment. And my own therapist says that in the end, if a person rejects treatment, forcing them has no effect on positive change.

Do I worry what this does for the younger children? Absolutely. But there seems to be no alternative that I can think of, and believe me, I have thought about this a lot. My husband threatens divorce every time he doesn’t get his way. My therapist says he tries to control me by fear – and guess what, it is working.

June 10, 2010 at 11:02 pm
(22) SelfRightAin'tRight says:

I see many people on here making comments like “he won’t admit he’s wrong”

Stop pointing the finger because there’s always 3 pointing back at you. No wonder your partners want a divorce, I would certainly not want to be married to self righteous, self centred people such as many of the above.

Grow up and learn to accept it takes two!

September 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm
(23) Jessie Suain says:

Megan come on u should know your husband better than anyone else. that question is for u to answer because your happiness and your families a happiness is on the line i think u should get to know your husband better if your relationship doesn’t have any itemize than may be u should consider counseling maybe u should fined out why u guy’s have communication issues. And possible get them resolve a relationship like marriage is easy to get into but hard to keep your relationship sounds salvageable to me u guy are not having any fun anymore probably don’t see they chatter enough no conversations so do it get your man back on point because divorce should be a last resolte

November 29, 2010 at 3:48 pm
(24) Fran says:

Megan,
Run away as fast as you can. This man you are involved with may infact change his tactics one day, but probably not with you. The pattern has been set and he will not give up that controlling pattern of abuse.

I am currently leaving a man who i was living with for the last 4 years and from the 2nd month we became involved with each other he began threatening to leave. The first time it happened because we had been out to eat for my birthday and i had not responded to the waitress in a manner that he saw fitting, so in the parking lot as we were leaving the resturant, he threatened to end the relationship…mind you we had only been together for 2 months. I did not pick up the warning signs of an emotional black mailer and an angry and controlling man. He tactics never changed and I tried everything…i draged him into therapy, I went on a compaign to find out why he was acting like he was acting by reading every self help book i could on the subject. And I even began resorting to emotional threats of my own and anger rages in order to get him to understand what he had been doing to me. All i ended with was a desire to be as far away from him as possible in order to regain my own sense of human compassion and love for others. It was a torturous journey and it left me feeling like i had wasted my time and love on someone who is so focused on their own pain that whatever i needed or whatever my pain was, did not matter. The only time his abuse stopped was when i turned the tables on him and began to abuse him…then i was truly in hell. That is not how i want to live with anyone and I will never subject myself to that kind of abuse again.

December 12, 2010 at 4:04 pm
(25) Tb says:

I have been with my husband for 11 years. We met when I was 14 and he 18. We were both really young but crazy about eeach other. Although things seemed to be good on the surface my husband from the very begining has always been controlling manipulative insecure and verbally and emotionally abusive. We have a son who is four and of course I didn’t realize the kind of relationship I was in until he was born. It’s like my eyes were wide open. I realized the way that he had control of me was wrong and that I hang to gain control over myself and become an individual not what he wanted or who he wanted me to be. A year ago I had felt very empty unhappy and confused and began having an affair. Well I felt terrible about it and obviously we shouldn’t be together if I had done such a horrible thing to him. So I confessed to him what I did and told him I had to leave but he begged me to stay so I did. Come to find out a couple of weeks later that he was sleeping with my friend the whole time. She had confessed to me mind you. It’s funny how I had heart to tell him but him being the coward that I now know he is..he didn’t tell me even when he had opportunity to come clean. Well by some miricle we decided to work things out and are still together. However things are still extremely shitty and he and I but heads all the time because he is trying to have control over me and I refuse to let him. So he threatens me with divorce everytime he feels he doesn’t have control of the situation. He threatens to kick me out of our own home. Who does that really? I feel like this marriage is a complete joke. I do not like the person that he has become.

April 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm
(26) D3 says:

The gentleman is a control freak who will do anything to keep you where you are. Telling you that he is going to leave you will, hopefully, make you work harder to make him feel adequate or less insecure-for a while. Now the tears come to control you to stay be showing you how much he truly loves you. I don’t know how the gentleman truly feels but it’s safe to say that his actions and the desired results are all about him. If you stay, do it knowing that there won’t be any change unless and until he seeks assistance.

June 30, 2011 at 10:26 am
(27) Vera says:

I wanted advice for a similar situation- only I am the daughter of such a relationship. I have seen what someone talked about earlier happen to my own siblings. They both have turned on my mom and me because I have not sided with my dad. Neither my sister nor brother have any respect for my mom. They pick fights+ my dad will defend them rather than my mom. I have several half siblings who also despise me. If I am friendly, they put me down in public. If I ignore them, I get nasty phone calls/talks at home. Anyways, my dad has always threatened my mom with divorce over various things.- he accuses my mom of spending all his $, cheating, ignoring his middle aged kids, she won’t sell the house (which has a lien btw) + he doesn’t want the pets anymore.I tell her that he’s bluffing + not to believe his nonsense. She didn’t believe me + gave away our cat. When we came home all teary eyed, my dad acted completely nonchalant Ė i.e. he would have acted the same if we hadn’t gave up our cat. For the past 2 wks, I Ďve been looking for a new place to live because he makes threats to kill my bunny. When we have my half siblings over with the ex wife + grand kids, he lets them make coarse jokes about my mom and they even tell her to shut up sometimes. When she gets upset about it., he starts calling her anti- social. Then he goes off and makes his divorce theats. I guess my story is a bit different/ more complex, as it’s not just threats to divorce. By no means do i wish divorce on my parents. It’s just stressful. They fight almost every A.M. and at night when I’m coming home from work or school. Additionally, he goes through my room, decides what he doesn’t like and throws it out while I’m at work. He does that to my mom more often than me, but lately he’s been in this need to control the house mode. As I said earlier, I am planning to move out hopefully within the next week or so. I just wonder what’s going to happen when Iím gone.

December 13, 2011 at 11:24 pm
(28) Broken says:

I have been married to my wife now for almost ten years. We just had a baby and she is now about 14 months. I was working a very lucrative contract overseas and gave up the job for my baby’s birth. Every since I have been home, everytime an issue or conflict arises, my wife wants a divorce. I do not want my child to grow up in a broken home, because I grew up in one and know firsthand what it is like. I am trying to stick it out and hope that she will change and try to work on the relatioship with me, but I am not seeing any signs of imrovement. Does anyone out there have any ideas on how to get my wife to talk to me and work on the relationship again? I am really at a loss right now. I have tried everyhting that I can think of, and it is now getting me to the point of hostility. I have never commiteted abuse and do not intend to, but my anger is escalating each and every time she says divorce. Please help!

February 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm
(29) From a Mans view point says:

@Broken.. and the article. I hate to say it but you are in the SAME boat as this man that keeps threatening to leave his wife. It’s abusive and it’s a control tactic. Seek counseling IF possible. Become the SUPERDAD, this will help ease your tensions and maybe help you gain focus. You cant have her (or you) controlling EVERY situation with the fear of losing your family.

March 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm
(30) joe says:

I am four years younger than my wife and I have practically raised her four year old son. After my daughter was born I was deployed to Afghanistan, and before I left she kept accusing me of cheating. She would get in my face and call me a looser although I have provided for her and her son. I worked while she went back to school to get her GED and she was offered a job in my mothers company. While deployed she will accused me of cheating in a war zone and refused to speak to my daughter.

She has throwing me out several times and her son was baker act six times; presently I am staying with parents until we get a legal separation; my concern is my daughter, I want custody, her son is always high and in trouble, the house is mess, is a new house that I bought with my father for my family.

Help

May 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm
(31) Barb says:

I’v Got TRIED OF THE THREATS and Took His ADVICE And I’m In THE Process OF a DIvorce……….Thank God After TRYing OVER and OVER.. Peace Of Mind …..Comes With Peace IN THE HEART,,,,,, Take It For What IT Worth…..(PEACE OF MIND ). He Has TO deal with his Own guilt/ and Find HIMSELF By HIMSELF. You will feel Fine! More uncontrolling and Independed……..

November 22, 2012 at 2:56 am
(32) Stephen says:

It is not one sided ladies……I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for years and never realized the lack of emotional support until I went to a counselor. So don’t say that all men are the abusers, women can be as vendictive and mean..

January 27, 2013 at 1:36 am
(33) Bossa says:

I have read all 32 life experiences but for me it’s. like opposite .iam an African married to a Japanese wife with one kid.ever since I lost my job my wife has been abusive almost everyday.with. Messages telling me to go back to my country and leave them a lone. She talks of divorce every day.she has now cut off communication since I went in another prefecture to look for work. She abuses on a daily basis she has today even said even i don’t sign she will get a lawyer.and she will use. My crippled financial status. To get a quick divorce .its had for in Japan to find a job.what can I do if anyone can advise,I don’t want to leave my son.
Bossa

March 27, 2013 at 10:06 am
(34) caca says:

Bro, she’s done with you. Move on.

December 15, 2013 at 9:03 pm
(35) Tammy says:

Hi Megan,

If you truly feel that the marriage is irreconcilable, by all means, go ahead with the divorce proceedings. I understand how frustrating it can be to listen to someone you care about threaten divorce, when things are rough. Have you considered counseling? Many times, we don’t know how to express ourselves when we are angry, that we sometimes, do or say the very thing we don’t want or are afraid of; almost like to say “I said it first.” It’s a defense mechanism, some use not realizing what that the effects are
the opposite of what they really want. These people are usually insecure in the relationship.

February 18, 2014 at 3:29 pm
(36) MR.M says:

Me and my wife have married for 5 yrs ..she has been threaten me with a divorce for the last 2 yrs telling me she can’t stand to look at me can’t stand be around meso thelast time she said she wanted a divorce I said fine now she is saying she only threaten me because I was not sweet..we argue on the time I”M at the end of my rope..

February 21, 2014 at 3:19 pm
(37) Sandey says:

I am in a similar terrible situation married to a control freak who threatens to leave me any time he can’t win an argument. We have been together 10 years and married for 3. When I met him he was going through a terrible divorce and his wife was a bitch etc etc. I believed him. He has a habit of blowing everything out of proportion and telling me he is leaving me,. The worst times have been about 2 weeks after a special commitment to me…moving in, getting engaged, getting married. That was the worst. Just 2 weeks after getting married I found out he was contacting a porn site. I have no issue with that but an issue with him covering up and lying to me.Last week his mobile rang and as he wasn’t there I answered it but the person hung up. When he came back it rang again and I got him to answer and it was a women who spoke to him. He told her that his wife was present and she then said it was a wrong number. We had abig row as I didn’t believe him so he threatened to leave. After a week Im sitting crying because the porn site contacted him, I saw it, he lied and said it was xtra vision. That hurt more. His lies. Now he’s told me our marriage is on the rocks. He lies when I ask him if I look ok or his food is ok. But now he says he will tell me the truth. But lie as other men do when he meets women in work as he will protect himself from my jealous nature. Yes I am jealous cos I have caught him out on lies. Yes I cant trust him as Ive caught him out again. Something in me is dying and I don’t know what to do.

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