Spouse Threatens Divorce One Too Many Times
Threats of Divorce:
Megan’s husband has spent years threatening divorce every time he gets upset. She has finally had enough and decided that she wants a divorce. What should she do now that her husband has turned into the ultimate nice guy?Question:
When my husband gets mad at me, he threatens a divorce. He has done this for years on end and I’ve lived with the fear that he was one day going to leave. I’m finally through with being afraid and realize that I want out of this marriage. Now that I’ve started divorce proceedings the guy who threatened divorce so often is being super nice. He is buying me roses, crying and begging me not to leave. He has done this before and when I change my mind things go back to the way they used to be. Him getting pissed and yelling at me that he wanted divorce.
I plan to go ahead with the divorce but I can’t help but wonder why someone would cry divorce so often if that isn’t what they really want.
Read my response to MeganI would love to know my reader's thoughts on Megan's situation. Do you agree with my advice, do you disagree or do you have a differing opinion? Click on the comments link below and tell me what you think Megan should do.
Comments
My spouse asked me for a divorce every week or two for a couple years. I stayed in the relationship for years for the children until I understood that my marriage was making me so unhappy that I was incapable of being an effective and emotionally available parent.
Like Megan, when I had finally had enough, I also told my spouse that we should proceed with a divorce. My spouse then told me that it was all (essentially) a negotiating tactic, that they weren’t serious about wanting a divorce.
Like Megan’s marriage, our marriage also suffered from poor communication. If you are married to a poor communicator, proceeding with a divorce will escalate tension and anger and (likely) diminish the quality of communication rather than increase it. While separation might be beneficial, proceeding as if a divorce is in progress will work against any potential efforts to salvage the relationship.
If Megan is serious about potentially wanting to stay with her husband, they should seek counseling. I agree wholeheartedly about not repeating mistakes and would recommend that if Megan and her husband decide to attempt to save their relationship, that they should better understand their relationship. Books such as:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman
Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks
or perhaps
The Ever-Transcending Spirit: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Consciousness, and Development by Toru Sato
Another book that Megan might find helpful is:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum
hey megan all I can say is leave, if he has been threatening to leave then get away from him. he sounds like he does not want to be with you any more, good luck
I agree with the advice you were given, but not only do some people not have the maturity or desire to work things through or grow in relationship skills, many simply do not wish to. I also had an ex that would often scream “I want a divorce” if I would question him about infidelity. When he finally found the girlfriend he wanted, he divorced me and then I had others come forward and tell me he had cheated for years. He only screamed “I want a divorce” to subdue me into quieting down/not questioning him. In that way he had control over the situation and over me. This was a tactic he would use to shut me up.
To Megan,
Anyone who wants to rush you into a divorce is not giving you a good advice or doing you a good service. Before you get into such a big dicision you must first ask yourself what has really got you and your spouse into such a situation? Is it money matter? Is is incompatibility? I tell you that it is neither. The real culprit is the little shortcoming of character of yourself or your husband or both! What is that? Well it is the temper, anger or some moral thing that someone does not know how to control.
These are what we call the dark forces that are playing on human! This is exactly what the dark forces want you to do - to break up your family and they will laugh louder when they succeed in hurting people, especially those who have children! The more hurt they can inflict on you and your family the happier they will be! So beware of the dark forces that are looking at every opportunity to destroy you, your husband and your family!!! and they will succeed if you or your husband is not careful!!!
People cannot control their temper, anger, because they cannot understand it is the dark forces that are taking advantage of their character faults or weaknesses. So the only way to win over the dark forces is to understand their own characters first. And until and unless they understand their own character weaknesses they will find it difficult to control them!
Try to get yourself and your husband to understand the dark forces and the charaacter matter. If one or both can truly understand and become aware of this character faults then the battle against the dark forces is already won!
When you can understand and become aware of this then you can absorb any blow that come your way and you will not feel pain or hurt! Remember that understanding is a very beautiful thing! It is only when you fight rock with rock that there will be sparks. A rock is of no use against a pile of cotton or water in the pond.
Show your husband that you have a superior character quality and you are a good wife and your and in time he will see and understand see his own character. If you can do this then you are a real winner!
Teach him instead of fighting him. Show him what beautiful person you are inside out and you will be a superior person indeed!
Hope this will help. If you have any question let me know. Just in case you need my email. Here it is: williamlew@successhaveeyes.com
Regards
William Lew
Well, I would never take advice from anybody who tries to sell you something or link you to their website. If you can’t live without him, stay. Otherwise leave. Why not get divorced and then just live together? An awful lot of men see a marriage licence as a certificate of ownership. He might treat you better if he thinks you are free to leave at any time.
I feel your hurt Megan. I have a husband who threats to leave started in our first month of marriage. We have been married 2 years, and we have an infant. Enough is enough. After the cycle of threats to leave chased by loving words continues, I am leaving. I now have two more weeks till my son and I can move into our new apartment, and depending on the time of day he is either begging for me back or wishing my life to end. I cannot physically take the rollercoaster any longer. I haven’t been able to get his threats and verbal abuse to quit, and I need to protect my son from this unhealthy home. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He says I am ruining my sons life by breaking our home, but our home is allready broke. I just feel numb. Now that he knows I am serious, I will never go back on my decisions because he has hurt me so bad with his words. He too started begging nicely, with love and gifts. Now he has thrown away our rings and tore me to shreds. Be careful not to be manipulated to stay for the wrong reasons.
Just wanted to say I have been going though some of the same things you are going through. I am now separated from my husband because like you I got tired of being threatened and I was so unhappy. But the blame always turned on me. I don’t know how long you have been married but I was married almost 20 years and I decided I did not want to be 60 years old and look back and realize my marriage and life was miserable. Don’t wait, if you are out and comfortable stay out. My husband and I had a rough marriage and separated several times and I should have stayed gone. This time is for good. Good luck and don’t let him break you down.
I’m sorry…just don’t feel it’s a lack of maturity. His threats are meant to control you and it is part of abuse. You should read Patricia Evans, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” to start. Then, follow it with “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. Once you recognize your situation for what it is, the better equiped you are to deal with it. Good luck to you and may God Bless you for your hardships.
I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing right now. We’ve been married for almost three years and he started threatening divorce within 2 months of the wedding. (because the dishwasher wasn’t unloaded) We have a 2 yr old and that is the only reason I’ve stayed. I thought I could deal with it or ignore it. Well I can’t anymore. Threatening divorce is a control tactic. When I think back about it - he did the same thing when we were dating. Not only is he controling but his screaming and vicious name calling has been verbal and mental abuse. I’ve read the books mentioned above - specifically “Why Does He Do That” and my husband falls under the “Mr. Right” category of abusers. I’ve stayed because I thought it was the right thing for my son but I now know that it just simply is not. He refuses counseling - says he doesn’t have a problem. I believe that people can change with the lords help (as implied by another commentor) but who knows when or IF that will happen. Meanwhile your life is on hold and miserable and your child is negatively affected (collateral damage). Don’t be manipulated by this man anymore - if he was serious about wanting this relationship he would first have to admit his wrong doings (which mine would never do) and develop and put into action a plan to change his behavior. (counseling) And even if he did that I would be seperated from him. Because sadly these types rarely change. Now that I am finally taking action and pursuing divorce I am getting more threats and being promised “a nasty divorce if I don’t give him what he wants”. Don’t waste more of your precious time/life having to deal with and worry about this insecure, immature, controlling, self centered and abusive person. Good Luck.
To all of you wondering if you should stay in an abusive relationship just for the child sake! Run don’t walk and get out of that relationship….i have been a super mom but due to my ex husband verbally abusing me for 20 years my 16 year old son has picked this up…and does not respect me…if i had of known that it would have hurt my son if i stayed I would have NEVER, EVER STAYED WITH THIS PERSON!!!! RUN WHILE YOU ARE YOUNG!!! PROTECT YOUR CHILD…THEY ONLY GET WORSE AS THEY GET OLDER!!!
I have been married for almost 2 years and it is my wife who has talked about separating and divorce. I left her about two weeks ago because I told her if she said it again I was gonna leave and not come back and I have. I has cussed me in public and gone out to bars to smoke and drink while I am at home with her daughter, my step-daughter(whom I love very much). She will stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning. Now she begs me to come back. She says she will change but she hasn’t before so how do I know anything will be different. She is being treated for depression now and I am glad. She says we will go to a therapist and I am willing but I am still unsure. I understand everything you are going through and appreciate your sharing. If anyone has any advice, it is welcome.
Well my husband has been on good behavior for a few weeks, but tonight he reverted back to his old self…after me expressing my opinion on a money matter that I thought was a discussion, from the other room I heard him say “It makes me want to leave, and you’re money hungry.”
Happy new year to me. I thought it was strange that we are one week into 2009 without his abuse. We have been together 34 years, married 30. We legally separated 2 or 3 times, while our child was growing up. When child graduated high school, moved out of state. Then got married and lives in a foreign country. I know child was adversely affected from abuse witnessed by angry and verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive father.
After being empty nesters for couple years, my husband finally snapped one day over minor agrument and left me, bought a house out of state. We stayed separated for 3 1/2 years but hoped to reconcile. I welcomed him back with open arms, but soon abuse began all over again.
I feel like a fool for letting him back. I really need to let him go again, but he scares me with his anger. I think I finally am ready to ask for a divorce. I think all the above 11 responses to Megan’s heartache all hold good advice, that I want to take myself. Good luck and God bless!
I am in a situation I am unsure of how to handle. I love my husband very much. We met in a chat room when we were only 13 and our love started as a chat friendship for five years while we were in school living at home. When I turned 18 I took a trip to meet him in person and it was perfect. I honestly felt I had found that “one person”, “your other half” or “soulmate”. So we started dating then in person it was great, actually perfect for while. We had been friends for so long it came some naturally. He moves around a lot for work, so I moved with him and this went on for years. At one point we broke up because I felt the relationship was verbally abusive and he was ignoring me all the time and spent too much time on the computer. I probably should have stayed away. But after 6 months I needed his help on the computer because of an assignment that was due, and I wanted to see how he was. We decided that we both loved each other and wanted to give it another shot. We have been back together for over 5 years now.
I have live in 9 towns and attended 6 colleges in 8 years. We moved to this great town with lots of opportunity and a place for me to finish school. I convinced him owning a home was a great investment since I needed to be in one town for a while, since I was losing credit hours with all the moving. We bought the house while we were dating. Now we are married. I needed to be grounded; I was tired of moving every few years. I don’t have many lasting friendships because every time I get close to someone he takes another job and we move. Own the house has changed this pattern though.
He started contracting just months after we bought the home because it was good money. We learned when you have more money coming in your tend to spend more. He was in Alaska for his first contract and it wasn’t so bad, he came home to visit every two months for two weeks. And we were able to spend time together, and we spent money too. So he felt he wasn’t making enough. So he convinced me Kuwait was a green zone and our relationship could handle the distance since we started out online we could just pick up there and have stay in touch via email or chats and occasional phone calls. Well he had proposed to me while he was going the Alaska contract, so four days before he left for Kuwait he wanted an impromptu wedding. I thought this relationship was the “forever” kind and that it was just a piece of paper. Plus with all the extra money he would be making we could use the tax break. So we got married just 48 hours before he left to Kuwait. I had begged him not to go but he assured me that our love will last. The first part of the year we were great. We took his vacation and had a Thailand honeymoon. Then just months after the Thailand vacation we started fighting, mainly about money. He blamed me for every penny that was spent. Mostly because he would have me buy things or he would buy them for me, he was concerned about me being depressed. I live 8 hours from my family. Well when the fights started there were no threats of divorce, just heated arguments.
After Kuwait he had not accomplished the goals he set out to accomplish so he took another contract job in Iraq. Every since he has been there are fights have become more heated and he had been threatening divorce for the last 9 months. At first I was hurt and I begged him to stay and to for us to talk to someone. I was so upset. So it came up again and again each time I would cry and beg him to stay. Just before his last visit he threatened it again; I even got numbers for counselors hoping we could fix this. He refused to spend the time he had a home talking to therapist. We fought two more times while he was home and he said we should get a divorce and each time I have managed to keep the relationship going. He actually saw me break down while he was asking, so I thought he realized the pain it caused and that we could make it work. He said we could try counseling we he returned in 6 months. Since then just over 30 days, he has decided to sign another contract and threatened divorce yet again. This time he emailed me divorce terms. I don’t want any of the money he is offering to me, because I feel that is what is driving him. I cried and talked to him about the terms and then he calls wanting me to tell him we can make this work.
So now I am at a cross roads. I love him very much but I think he must want to leave since he brings up divorce so often. I am preparing myself to let him go. I told him that I didn’t want to lose him either. But after a day I realize it hurts so much, I am numb now. I don’t know how I can make it work, because I have lost all confidence in our marriage and I don’t know if we do work things out, if I could ever trust that it will last. I am 27 now. And the fairytale love I thought I had is fading before me and I don’t know if I can try to make it work anymore. Many of you talk about communication. I think my problem is we have too much communication and not enough really. We are always on a chat together and when he calls we have nothing to talk about so it’s hard to keep the conversation going. He is in iraq so he cant discuss much of anything over there. We have grown apart because we no longer have anything in common. I am sorry about the length of this comment. I just don’t anyone in a situation quite like mine so I felt I needed to go in depth on the situation to see if anyone can offer advice.
I have gone thru the same situation. A few years ago my husband was spending a lot of time on his cell phone calling various single woman. I tried to explain to him that it was not right. He started playing games, hiding the cell phone, lies, said I was imagining things, clearing his calling list and received list. This was causing a lot of conflict, and he did not care how I was feeling about it. Each time we would have an arguement he would say I want you out of my life, I do not love you. This went on at least a couple times a month for two years. The emotional devastation became so much from hearing it that I eventually asked him to leave. He said he said those things because he was angry. We seperated, and at the start he wanted to rekindle our love, our marriage, but because I would not take him back one week after I asked him to leave, he started to change. He would not give me a committment to work on the marriage, no men, no woman. Anger set in, he became very verbally abusive, telling me the same thing again, telling me it was over. He told me that he could talk to anyone he wanted to, see anyone he wanted to, and screw anyone he wanted to. For six months I asked him to talk about things, resolve our issues, I was called every name in the book, same ole thing did not want me in his life, but in the second breath gave me signals such as love songs, telling me he missed me, and so on and so forth. The third month of seperation he met a woman, whom he told me was just a friend, but it was more, it was a love affair. During the next three months even while he was with her he would phone me after she left his home, with sadness, telling me he missed me, but he kept telling her it was over between him and I, he wanted nothing to do with me. But he would phone me at all hours of the night telling me differently, but he would never let anyone know he was calling me. I confronted the woman telling her about his calls, and of course he lied to her and said I was lying. Two weeks before xmas, he broke up with her, said again they were just friends, that there had been no sex or intamacey, and I beleived him. He told me he loved me again and could not live without me. The first week I was with him the woman came to the house to get a few of her things. I out and asked her about their relationship, she said she was in love with him, and he had told her how much he loved her.
Well, when I questioned him on it, he became very angry, in a rage, and told me what right did I have asking her, can,t I leave well enough alone. Then again told me he wanted me out of his life again. He is one that will not discuss anything, avoids all resolving of issues, and uses anger and rage instead of communicating. Well I left after that again. Then he went back the next day to the woman. Well, again he kept me with the hopes and signals of wanting me back, but kept saying to me, let it take its course. Finaly last week he came to me, asking me to forgive him, and he loved me and did not want to go threw life without me. Stupidly, I beleived him again. But he would not discuss or communicate on issues we had to resolve, or the hurt and emotional pain that not only the two years of telling me he did not love me, and wanted me out of his life, but would not understand the pain of the past 6mths or his affair. According to him, he did nothing wrong.
Anyways, the night before he came to me wanting me back, he had been making plans with the other woman about going on a cruise together, and a number of other things. He had also told me a lie, that I asked him about in a very calm manner. Well his rage came out again, telling me he wanted me out of his life, that he wanted a divorce, and why can,t I leave the past alone. The question I asked him about a lie he told me, had only been a lie from 2 days before. To me that is not the past! I have again since left the relationship. He thinks that the emotional trauma and hurt he put me threw is just suppose to go away overnight and is to be completely forgotten about. I needed to heal from it all, but when he said again that he wanted me out of his life I felt the pain all over again. He blames me for everything. But it is very emotionaly devastating .
I really do not think he realizes the emotional devastation and hurt that his words and actions have caused. How does a person ever get past the hurt and heal?
I do think he does love me, but takes no responsibility for his actions, and will not communicate or resolve issues such what his words are doing to our marriage!
I don’t think you truly understand the benefits of this new law. Its not about the terminology and/or the love and care one parent shows towards their child or not. The new law will hopefully stop the fighting that goes on between 2 parents with regards to visitation. The “secondary” parent will automatically have more time with their child(ren). In the past the secondary was automatically given every other weekend and maybe a weekday night. This is what caused parents to fight. Why should one parent get less time than the other just because they were given a title of secondary. They also wanted to do away with the term so that others would not judge the “secondary” parent for not having primary.
I would like to state that I am in the same situation as the original subject, Megan. However the “Megan” is me, the husband, and my wife uses divorce as a threat, quite frequently. And it’s getting pretty old…