Divorced Family Holidays

With the increasing emphasis on mediation and collaborative divorces, perhaps it stands to reason that some of those ideas are taking hold in areas of post-divorce life, like navigating the holidays.

I read an article about a woman who co-wrote a book on this subject. You'll never guess who the other co-writer was — her husband's ex wife! It's actually a nice niche for divorce information that tends to get ignored. We get hung up so much in the legal process, dividing up assets and figuring out visitation schedules that it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that kids get pulled in a lot of different directions during holidays. And that's not good.

It may seem strange — check that, it definitely seems strange — but the two women who wrote this book have combined holiday gatherings that include all parents and step-parents. And it's all for the kids' benefit. I think the important thing here is that they listened to what their children wanted. What felt right to the kids was to have everyone around them at the holidays, and the adults took it upon themselves to make it happen.

I'm not saying it's easy. Hell, I'm not even saying that I could do it. I mean, suppose your ex has remarried, but you haven't. Picture yourself alone and going over to see your ex and his new wife. Not an easy thing to do, no matter how much you love your kids.

I remember an old episode of "ER" where Anthony Edwards' character, Dr. Greene, has to go see his ex wife and her new husband so Greene can give his daughter a Christmas present. It's just a TV show, but it illustrated how completely awkward the situation can be.

I think this is something every family has to figure out for itself. And as the authors of the book point out, you have to listen to your kids. It may not be easy, but putting aside your hostilities toward your ex and giving your kids what they want may be the thing to do. It's the holidays, after all.