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Cathy Meyer

Will You Remarry?

By August 29, 2009

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According to statistics if you've divorced once you are more likely to divorce a second or third time.

The reason second or third marriages are more likely to end in divorce could have something to do with people not dealing with personal issues that played a role in their first divorce.

Or maybe the reason is that more Americans now consider divorce morally acceptable and are less likely to work on marital problems before seeking a divorce.

What I'm curious about given the statistics is whether or not divorce has affected your views on remarriage. Given what you've been through during divorce are you less likely to marry again?

Let me make clear...this question is for those who have been married and gone through the divorce process. Not for those who have heard stories from those who have been through the divorce process. I think you know who I'm referring to guys.

Comments
August 30, 2009 at 8:44 am
(1) JP says:

I probably won’t. Divorce showed me what marriage was really about. As a man, with my eyes now wide open, it almost seems foolish to consider.

August 31, 2009 at 12:17 am
(2) Samantha says:

I’m on my 3rd marriage considering divorce. I donot have unresolved issues or feelings from my past marriages.My first marriage was abusive,my second he cheated an this one is an alcoholic. So there many reasons other than what I read here for a divorce. I just wish there was more help for women out there that don’t have a job an can not afford to leave the marriage.

August 31, 2009 at 12:31 pm
(3) David says:

My ex was in a relationship with a guy weeks after leaving me. The relationship fizzled quickly and now she is alone again. I, on the other hand, dated many women and do now have a girfriend who I have tried not to make all of the mistakes I made before. I am not against marriage, I will just think about it way longer before I do it again.

August 31, 2009 at 12:55 pm
(4) Cathy Meyer says:

JP, I will never marry again. I have nothing against marriage I’ve just learned that it is not for me.

I like my independence and having no one to answer to but myself. Life is good when the only person you place any expectations on is yourself!

August 31, 2009 at 12:56 pm
(5) Amy says:

My ex and I started dating people as soon as we separated. He married the only woman he dated — announced his engagement 90 days after our divorce was final. I have been dating the same guy for 2-1/2 years now — the only guy I have dated post-divorce. My relationship is very, very different today from what it was in the beginning. Even though I have not dated around, I am really, really taking my time and growing through post-divorce life and letting the relationship grow as well. There is no substitute for time when is comes to relationships. This one is great, but very different from what it was in the beginning. Re-marriage? Probably not. Just not necessary.

August 31, 2009 at 1:01 pm
(6) Cathy Meyer says:

Samantha, you say you have no unresolved issues yet you are thinking about a 3rd divorce.

You seem to pick the wrong men to marry. Could those choices be coming about due to unresolved issues?

If you are able to find your way out of this marriage I hope you are able to come to terms with whatever it is that allows you to enter into marriages with men who are only going to disappoint you.

August 31, 2009 at 1:04 pm
(7) Cathy Meyer says:

David, good for you. I like hearing from people who don’t think the answer to their problems is a new relationship.

I wish you well in your future relationships.

August 31, 2009 at 1:12 pm
(8) Ann says:

I was married 22 years and gave up my teaching career after the birth of my first child to be a stay-at-home mom and housewife. Now 50 years old, divorced, and an empty-nester, my identity is shattered. The divorce process put me in the hospital and I eventually suffered a nervous breakdown after finding out my lawyer was neglegent in performing his duties to my best interest. The court denied me the right to new counsel so I hired another attorney to help me negociate for myself in spite of my incompentent lawyer; now I have 2 lawyers, the “good” lawyer and the “bad” lawyer! Finally, I am divorced. I am in the process of putting my life back together, finding work I am passoniate about, and being responsible for my finances. I would never do anything to put myself in a position where someone else would have control over me in any way. Consequently, I can never remarry in this country which automatically takes away my rights under the law and I never want to be in a position to fight a system as biased against women as the divorce system was that I experienced. No- I will not remarry as there is no benefit for me to do so.

August 31, 2009 at 2:51 pm
(9) Todd says:

Samantha, are you kidding? You don’t have unresolved stuff from your past. Why do you keep marrying co-dependent people. And why is your attitude that someone else needs to fix things. You need to look further inward.

August 31, 2009 at 2:53 pm
(10) Todd says:

I don’t see the point of getting married again. I have children, I experienced marriage–it was mostly good but with the risk of divorce growing, doesn’t seem worth it nor necessary.

August 31, 2009 at 3:21 pm
(11) James says:

I enjoyed being married and loved my ex-wife. She is going through mid-life crisis. Our only daughter is now 27. I doubt seriously that I will ever get married again. I do not plan on having any more children and my experience with a no-fault court system has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I fail to understand how one person can lie and cheat but still get 1/2 the assets and leave all the bills for the other person (me in this case).

August 31, 2009 at 3:23 pm
(12) Rich says:

I don’t think marriage is on my radar. After 36 years being married, I’m not sure I want another situation that could lead to the pain I had with this divorce. That’s my emotional side talking. My rational side says things are different- I won’t have children because I don’t want to be an 80-something dad to a teenager. And any women that might have something in common with me will be post-menopausal. Oh, I look at young gals all the time but only because they’re nice to look at, not because I have anything genuine that they might want. I had a great romance with a woman but that’s settled into a long-distance friendhip, not the worst thing in the world. My job now is in Iraq, where “fraternizing” is prohibited, so I likely won’t have a love life until next year some time.

Dating seems a good thing but marriage seems to be a Pandora’s box of bad things. I have a lot of friends who are married, and I’m happy for them, wishing mine had survived. But now that I’m single, I think I’ll stay that way awhile. Ask me again in a year or two …

September 1, 2009 at 12:08 am
(13) Cathy Meyer says:

“And any women that might have something in common with me will be post-menopausal.”

Rich,post-menopausal women are nice to look at also.

Or so I’ve been told by many midlife men who are secure enough in themselves to not need arm candy or the boost to their ego a younger woman gives them.

September 1, 2009 at 12:40 pm
(14) Angela says:

I was married for 15 years and have been divorced for almost 3. I was in the “doubtful” camp that I’d ever get remarried, but I’m preparing to walk down the aisle this fall.

It was very scary to open my heart again, and I kept my fiance at arms’ length for a long time. He understood my take-it-slow attitued. We spent time talking about values and money and all the things I didn’t do when I married young the first time.

In general, I liked being married, and my fiance did too. We’ve discussed why our first marriages didn’t work, we’ve been to premarital counsling and talked about red flags and deal breakers. In the end, we’re very much looking forward to a long life together.

I just wanted to put the alternative view out there…

September 5, 2009 at 10:04 am
(15) Tasha says:

Married at age 21, divorced at age 22 I now know so much more than I used to. I have high family values and have always wanted a family of my own. I swore that I would NEVER go through divorce. I came from a split family.. seemed to follow in my parents footsteps (military marriage). I thank God every day that we never had children because I know the pain and wouldn’t want to raise my children in that world. I never wanted the divorce and after fighting it for my marriage as long as I could I finally gave in. The trust issues and heartache that come with the process are way too familiar. I’ve tried having another relationship but it just made things worse.

I can’t say that I’ll never marry again. But I can say that it will take a long time to earn my trust and if I find someone willing to work through that with me and is able to accept all that I have to give, I think it would be worth a try.. after a long time of consideration, being single and building myself back up. I won’t give up on the dream of having a family someday. I’m still young. But I definitely will not forget all the lessons I have learned going through this process.

There is always hope if you are truly willing to work through what it takes to get to a healthy place.

September 7, 2009 at 12:48 pm
(16) Carol says:

No I will never marry again. After 21 years of marriage my husband left me for his old girlfriend.
It will be a long time before I will be able to trust someone. My ex was all about honestly and never tell a
lie and then what does he do? He did not have the
b____ be honest. At this point in my life it just doesn’t seem worth the effort.

September 7, 2009 at 2:29 pm
(17) Angel says:

I have always said I would never marry again even when I was married! I was married almost 15 years to a guy I started dating as a teenager. I always felt we were soul mates even though we had so many problems. Eventually he felt abandoned when I went back to school and started having affairs. He is now married to one of the ones he had an affair with. We have two children together that are my life. I still love him to this day and probably always will. A part of me believes he loves me too! I know he is not a happy person right now. All that being said, I have been in a relationship for some time now. I care about this person but I am still in love with my ex and the sad part is that I probably always will be.

September 7, 2009 at 3:28 pm
(18) Jayne says:

I am going thru divorce #3- I thought this was the one – he is 10 years younger-I had money and good credit – he had bad credit and just had a car repoed. Should have been a sign – after we got married I learned he had an affair before he married his first wife. He just left me after 10 1/2 yrs and is having an affair with someone he works with that is 8 years younger. I believe he is going thru mid-life crisis. He did not want a comfortable marriage – she is exciting. Ironically he is trying to take me for everything he can get – I had to file for bankruptcy-lost my car, my home – he went thru 9 cars/trucks and 4 motorcycles. The last car and motorcycle he put on credit cards. I look back now and think I am lucky to be getting out of this and I feel sorry for the new person. He obviously is not happy with himself. Me – its been almost 1 year to the day that I found out – I have gone to a divorce care class and I will be repeating it again and taking a boundaries and safe people class sponsored by my church that I have started going to. He had to file bankrupty and told the magnastrat he would rather paid the bankruptcy than give me any spousal support. What a guy. So I can honestly say that I am working on me first, will have to learn to trust a man again if indeed there will be another man. Being by myself has been nice, just miss the conversation with a guy and the cuddling/companionship.

September 7, 2009 at 3:33 pm
(19) Barbara says:

I have been divorced for two years. While I have no plans to remarry, I know this may change if/when someone special enters my life. I think it difficult to consider remarriage because I have two kids (age 9 and 6) and it would take a very special guy to become part of our family.

September 7, 2009 at 4:16 pm
(20) Petula says:

My divorce will be finalized in about a month and we’ve been separated a little over two years. He’s been living with someone about a year and I just began getting “serious” with an old love… someone I’ve known for 19 years. Before I decided to have this relationship I never saw myself married again and, in a way, I still don’t. I also never believed in living together before marriage, but I am considering it.

The relationship I have is so different than my marital relationship, and I would like to think that I’ve learned a lot. My motto is one day at a time and if it progresses in that direction okay, but I will still fill fulfilled even if I never marry again. I could have never said that before my first marriage.

September 7, 2009 at 4:49 pm
(21) L. Yasin says:

I can only comment for myself as every marriage is two people with their own story of why. I am in a divorce proceeding. This is my third marriage. My circumstances really don’t permit for a new relationship let alone a possibility of a fourth marriage. Would I like to have another marriage? No. Would I like to start a new relationship with everything that implies to me? ie meeting someone, exploring if we could be compatible, being willing to compromise to make it work and endure everything that comes with that? Not at the present time. My friends say never say never. I thought that this was it with every one of my previous marriages. It turns out I was wrong. I think it’s time to quit while I am behind. J. Geils Band said it best. “Love Stinks”

September 7, 2009 at 6:02 pm
(22) Lori says:

I’m in divorce proceedings of my 2nd marriage. It will be ongoing for awhile just because he’ll make it as difficult for me as possible. I found myself in a relationship with someone that I started dating 2 months after I left my husband. I fell deeply for him but due to issues I am wondering about trust, etc. I have been hurt worse by him in 8 months than I have my 2 marriages but I love him the most. Great chemistry!!! Would I remarry? I’m doubting it more and more everyday. Yes, I would live with someone but the official status of marriage scares me to death.

September 7, 2009 at 7:01 pm
(23) Grace says:

How do you say those vows again? They are meaningless to me now. That is why I will not remarry.

September 7, 2009 at 8:14 pm
(24) Gordana Killian says:

I was married for 12 years and filed for divorce after being betrayed by my husband. He’s bisexual and has a long history with untreated psychiatric issues I knew nothing about. He traveled for work so it was very easy to live a double life and then come home to his perfect family life in the suburbs. I finally got help from a wonderful therapist and am able to understand co-dependency issues in my marriage and how those behaviors were learned in my upbringing. I have paid an enormous toll both emotionally and financially. After an expensive two year court battle I have learned that American family law is a cesspool. My husband did not want to be a husband but did not want emotional health either. Marry again? I can’t see it right now. I met a man 15 years older than me who is gentle and kind.. I have found this relationship to be the healthiest I have ever had. It’s refreshing to just “be”. My two boys have had to bear the pain as well and I am trying to accept that I can only be responsible for my conduct. Staying single for me is a good thing right now. I can’t see the benefits of another marriage.

September 7, 2009 at 9:39 pm
(25) barbara says:

I think Grace has a good point

September 7, 2009 at 10:56 pm
(26) Lynette says:

I have been separated for 10 months and going through my 2nd divorce. I have not dated any man and have no intention until I move past the emotional phases I am going through, it would not be fair to begin a relationship until the prior one is COMPLETE. I see this as the problem to our divorce crisis in this country. We never spend time fixing ourselves before we enter into another relationship.
I will remarry again, only with a man that has spent the time fixing himself. It’s all about “who we are being” and that is a project many of us do not undertake before we find ourselves in another relationship that is not working. IT’s US PEOPLE, not the other person.

September 8, 2009 at 4:39 am
(27) Amanda says:

Hi my husband walked out on me and my two boys on July this year after 23 years together with the old chestnut “I love you but I am not in love with you” since then I have not seen him he is dating a yonger woman from the office and living it up we were together from 16yrs old. Will I ever marry again? Never, if I had no idea this was going wrong and he was my best friend and I thought our relastionship was good how could you ever trust again?

September 8, 2009 at 8:38 am
(28) LAUREN says:

i DON’T BELIEVE I WOULD, LIFE’S COMPLICATED ENOUGH! PERHAPS I WOULD LIVE WITH SOMEONE SOMEDAY.

September 8, 2009 at 11:23 am
(29) Pat says:

It isn’t only the YOUNG who have divorce problems. I am 83 years old. I’ve been married 5 years and most of those 5 years I’ve been a caretaker for my husband who developed 3 incurable illnesses after we were married. My first husband and I were married 55 years and have 2 beautiful children and 14 beautifuly grandchildren, but he died 7 years ago. My 2nd husband had two grown children who hated the idea of their father getting remarried. One used him as a cash cow, the other one didn’t want to lose “control” over his father’s money. Since he had his name on it, he already had control, but he was afraid of me, so he took ALL MY HUSBAND’S MONEY IN HIS NAME and made up lies and slander against me to excuse his actions, so my husband agreed to it without any kind of proof. I was told by a lawyer that me and my 1st husband’s money would be spent on my 2nd husband’s health unless I got a divorce, so that is what I am doing.

September 10, 2009 at 10:28 pm
(30) Grace says:

I am living with someone, without the vows. It works for me because he is free to leave anytime. So if he stays it’s only because he wants to, not because he is “stuck” in a marriage. Same for me. That is the only way I trust anymore, having been terribly betrayed.

September 11, 2009 at 8:09 am
(31) joyce says:

People are different ,so are the experiences .I wilol definately marry again.

September 11, 2009 at 8:11 am
(32) joyce mbalekelwa says:

I will remarry because people are different and will not let past experiences come my way.God knows all.

September 14, 2009 at 11:58 pm
(33) NR says:

I married at 23. left the marriage after 18 months and spent 8 years in court trying to get divorced and in a custody battle. I am now 43. I have been engaged twice but walked away from both of them. The last man I was involved with was to date the love of my life. So why did I leave? I could list all the symptoms..his anger, his drinking but those are his issues. Mine? I just don’t need anybody bad enough to tolerate their unresolved crap. I resolved mine long ago…but would I marry. Sure! But he better have all to offer that I have. And I am not talking material things. I expect to smile, laugh, cry, fight, conflict and resolve and love with him. For me respect is far more critical than romantic love and I don’t believe love can even exist without it. But it’s hard to find. So until I do I won’t marry and I won’t live with someone. That to me was a joke. I tried it and it didn’t work for me. For me it was halfway and I always felt used for convenience.

April 5, 2011 at 3:34 pm
(34) maria says:

Wow Yotally agree with NR’s comment!! I’m on my third divorce……….

April 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm
(35) Joanne says:

I was divorced back in 1996 after only been married for 18 months… it was a volitile marriage, & was glad it ended. I however took the plunge again in 2000 & was very happily married!!! He passed away in mid 2007 & it broke my heart like I didn’t think possible. I have been dating a very nice man since 2009 & yes, I would consider marriage again… I have experienced a bad marriage & a wonderful one…. Marriage can be very fulfilling & I would like that again!

May 17, 2011 at 4:35 pm
(36) Caro says:

I will never get married again. I loved my husband so much and was completely blindsided for 23 years by his lies. I do not believe in marriage anymore. I lost part of myself in the divorce and will never recover. I will never trust another man.

January 26, 2013 at 3:44 am
(37) T M says:

I have been separated from my husband ever since July of last year we haven’t filed yet be we are going to when our tax returns come in I moved out of our house and into a apartment because I couldn’t afford to stay there our marriage has been bad for over 5 years and when he told me that he had slept with a woman he works with well that was it as soon as I moved out of the house he moved her in after what I’ve been thru I don’t believe I will ever marry again and I will be very choosey about who I date

February 3, 2013 at 9:29 pm
(38) Jeff L. says:

My wife was constantly befitting and verbally abusing me. I confronted my wife in September 1992 and asked her “is it your intent to destroy our marriage, and run back to West Australia with our children. She said “I would never do that the children have a right to know there father.” In February of 1993 she lied to our LDS bishop claiming abuse that never happen, to enlist his help in illegally leaving Utah and taking my children to West Australia. She signed her own divorce demands stating that I have the right to visitation a reasonable times and places. the next day left Utah, and went to Perth Western Australia. She charged the airfare and left me holding the bag. I haven’t seen my children in 20 years. Now you know why I will never remarry

November 14, 2013 at 5:02 pm
(39) Ambra-Anne Lambert says:

I have been married and divorced three times. I married three men who I now realize we’re emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive. I have spent the past few years alone and have learned to accept and love myself and to like my own company. You could say I now feel comfortable in my own skin. I met a guy I really liked but he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I respect that and I am happy that we can still be friends. I would like to date again and take things slow. If I met a kind and genuine man who knows I might take the plunge one more time! I am at peace with myself and whatever comes next in my life I am accepting of even if that means being alone.

December 6, 2013 at 10:44 pm
(40) find rich guys says:

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April 17, 2014 at 2:45 pm
(41) Hmmmprobnot says:

I don’t think I will get married again. The first experience was awful and I can’t imagine going through that again. Not even to have children- which is something I really want.

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