Some parents work over-time at alienating their children from the other parent. Some are guilty of parental alienation and don't realize what they are doing. Whether or not you are deliberately alienating your child from the other parent the result will be the same. Your child will be damaged emotionally.
A divorcing parents first concern should be the welfare of the children. Children need two parents who are 100% invested in making sure that child's needs are met. You may not like your ex but you should never allow that to get in the way of taking care of your child.
Below is a list of behaviors parents do that purposefully or unwittingly alienate a child from his/her other parent:
1. Sharing information about the divorce. I NEVER talked to my children about the specifics of any legal divorce issues I had with their father. I was dumbfounded a few months back when in court with my ex over custody of our youngest. I looked over at my youngest and his father and the child had his father's files, files pertaining to legal issues and was reading them.
I think I'm safe in assuming that those files were full of negative information about me. What purpose other than trying to shed a negative light on me could my ex have for showing the files to my son?
2. Withholding contact information. Parents have a right to know how to contact their child. Withholding email addresses or phone numbers is a clear attempt to interfere with a parent's right to communicate with his/her child. If your child doesn't want to talk to the other parent fine. The other parent still has a right to leave messages and write emails. They have the right to let that child know, that they are loved.
3. Allowing your child to decide whether or not to visit the other parent. This is another one that played a role in my divorce. I'm the guilty party. My ex angered my children. He did some very hurtful things and they had a right to be angry. My children were in therapy, the therapist told me to not force them to visit their father.
I was torn. Part of me knew that they needed their father, part of me was afraid of damaging them by forcing them to spend time with someone who had hurt them. I called my ex MIL and she said, "don't make them see him until he behaves like a father."
Guess what, the therapist was wrong, my ex MIL was wrong and I was wrong for not forcing them to visit and build a relationship with their father. I've recently realized that I allowed my children to make a choice based on emotion not logic.
I was the parent; it was my place to be the logical one. Instead, I let emotion win out and unwittingly did my children and their father harm. If your child is angry and refusing to visit the other parent do everything you can to promote visitation. Don't give your child power and control over a situation they are viewing through eyes that are clouded by eomtional pain.
4. Saying negative things about the other parent. If you've got a beef with your ex, keep it to yourself. Don't say negative things to your child or to anyone in front of your child. Something as insignificant as, "your father never shows up on time," sends a negative message to your child about the other parent. Keep such thoughts out of reach of tiny ears!
Whether you are purposefully or unwittingly exposing your child to parental alienation it is time to stop and think about what it means to your child. Parenting after divorce means being hyper aware of the consequences of your words and actions have on your children.
Unfortunately, divorce and separation can be very emotional for the parents. They can unwillingly abuse the children involved in order to “get” their spouse back for wrong doings. It is important to getdivorce help in fresno.
This is such an ugly side to divorce and is all too prevalent. It is abuse. And children come to figure it out, even if it takes years. Parents would be well served to make sure they don’t ever alienate their ex spouse.
I think it is important to realize that some fathers have spent many years being uninvolved in their children’s lives. It should be no surprise to anyone that these children are not enthusiastic about visitation with father after divorce. I think that some “parental alienation” has it’s roots in the parental neglect that took place before the father left the home.
The challenge is….what about “adult” children…in their early 20’s who are old enough to make their own decisions yet still take sides when one parent opens up with too much information and the other has kept silent? parenting young adults is very difficult compared to younger kids….wish I would have divorced sooner so the kids would have been younger and had to spend time with both parents…now there is even more damage done.
What about when Dad is so taken with “new” life he forgets how to be a Father/
My eldest son has said “he didn’t say much to me when he was here with us why would he want to say anything now?” He is 18.
My other son joined a local football team to have a joint interest but this no longer fits in with dad and that hurts.
I disagree with your statement that the children should have been forced to maintain a relationship with a person who was being hurtful. Isn’t that the way we teach a person to accept an abusive relationship?
bitsy, parents do hurtful things when in the throws of the divorce process and in an attempt to move on with their lives. Hurtful behavior does not indicate a lack of love for a child.
It is an indication of confusion and an inability to deal with their emotional issues. Children need to understand that parents are humans who are flawed. And if given a chance will eventually learn from their mistakes.
As far as abuse. No where in this blog post did I say that anyone should be encouraged to have a relationship with someone who is abusing them.
If a child is being physically, sexually or emotionally abused it is the custodial parent’s responsibility to make sure their child is safe. That is what the courts are for…if you get lucky and get a good attorney and judge.
I think you need to be careful when you use the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome”. The concept of a “syndrome” for alienation was debunked some time ago. Yes, children do demonstrate resistence to being with one of their parents in some cases. In some cases, one of the parents has deliberately set out to interrupt the relationship with the other parent. In many, if not most cases, this is not what is going on. It worries me when people toss around the term “syndrome”. This leads parents, whose children are showing resistence to visits, to think in terms of a deliberate, toxic attempt on the part of one parent and, in turn, leads to conflict rather than understanding and solutions. I think a more useful and helpful article would be one directed at understanding the multiple reasons children can be reluctant to see one of his/her parents.
Hey Mary,
Did you read this! 10 months of not getting to see my Son. Nice job. Pay attention to the part about emotional damage. WHo is the parent in your new house, our Son or you.
Steve if you have court ordered visitation you need to use the courts to make sure that visitation is carrried out.
I would also suggest getting into therapy with your son. If he is refusing to visit a good counselor can help the both of you over-come any anger and resentment.
This is something you can request the court order.
Also, what are you doing to stay connected with your son? He may not be seeing you but you can reach out to him monthly with cards, emails and phone messages.
I agree with Amanda and Bitsy.
It is all the Politically Correct rage to throw around this term “alienation”. Yes, some parents deliberately ruin another parent’s relationship and it IS WRONG. You hear it at any Divorce group and read it on EVERY surface at the Child Support Office, ad nauseum.
However, much “alienation” is done by noncustodial parents neglecting or emotionally abusing their child(ren). Kids usually know where they really stand in a parent’s heart.
CPS will not get involved in emotional abuse of a child even when that child passes a victim intake by a Victim Advocacy organization!!!
I know several cases where noncustodial mom or dad wishes to wander in and out of a child’s life with breaks (months and years long) of no contact, no emotional attachment, making threats, breaking promises, telling lies, twisting things, casting blame even on the children, etc. etc. and causing havoc/drama in their lives.
Can you blame a kid for not wanting disruptions to their stability by a selfish parent? I’m talking about a mom who only wants contact every few years when she’s trying to impress a new boyfriend, or a guy who hasn’t seen his kid in 9 years but suddenly wants to reduce his child support or prevent adoption by a stepdad, or the angry man who refuses counseling and takes out all his frustrations by constantly punishing and belittling the child on visits.
I’ve seen courts enforce visitation with parents who are on drugs, who have a long criminal record, and one whose home gives the child lice on EVERY visit for 7 years.
As you said, one can only protect their child from harm if you get the *LUCK* of a “good” lawyer and “good judge” (repeat luck, not justice).
I’m tired of hearing custodial parents are to blame for the kid not wanting this.
Interesting to observe the discomfort of alienation deniers finally coming to terms with the damage their neuroticism has caused.
I like how some people try to deny this exist or that it is just thrown around. 10:1 you are the same parents who wanted to run as far away from the non custodial parent as possible. The same ones that would rather discuss why there is a divorce instead of answering simple questions such as who is the kids teachers, schools, doctors. The same ones that state the child doesn’t need to see a counsler yet the child tells you on a regular basis that they hate you for every being of your body.
Oh and your probably the same ones that pre-visitation order would never allow the children to see you without them there. So they can protect the children. Same parents that were happy to leave them with you pre-seperation. Then you are also the same ones that would basically say “look at me, look at me” when your trying to spend time with your child. Only to push your buttons till a verbal argument begins.
But in the end you all sound the same. Your temper did this. You desroyed our marriage. You don’t own up to your faults. You don’t ask questions about the kids. You don’t. You don’t. You don’t.
But your too wrapped up in playing the perfect angelic parent to see we did. Over and over and over again until we felt like we were insane and decided to come at you with both barrels blazing.
Only problem is….because of your actions, your insecurities, your inability to seperate yourself from the children, our children hate us.
Read up and be honest with yourselves. It will do you some good. Because in the absolute long run. You will loose, because kids will grow up and realize what you did. And it will be too late because the kids will be so screwed up emotionally their lives will never recover.
Terry, could it be that your children “hate” you because they witnessed you going at their mom “with both barrels blazing?”
You say, “your tempter” did this but it sounds to me like you’ve got a bit of an issue with temper yourself.
It takes two to make a marriage and two to destroy one Terry. And if you stayed in your marriage until it nearly drove you insane you need to take responsibility for your actions during and since your divorce.
My ex has done things that I felt would cause me to go insane. Whether I did or not was up to me. How I responded to him would affect not only me but my children also. And I chose to respond in a way that would not negative affect my children.
If you went at your wife with both barrels blazing I’m sure your children witnessed your behavior. If that is the situation you are just as responsible, if not more responsible for your children’s feeings toward you.
You blame your ex for single handedly destroying the marriage. You blame her for destroying your relationship with your children. Children are very smart and very observant. They don’t like one parent being cruel to the other and when it comes to conflict between their parents they are paying close attention.
Cathy, Did u read anything Terry said, or were you in to much of a hurry to pass judgment! I feel very much the same as you Terry. However i have nothing else to add because you pretty much hit the nail on the head! It’s nice not to feel completely alone on this issue.