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Cathy Meyer

Do You Punish Your Spouse by Withholding Sex?

By May 31, 2011

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Withholding sex seems to be a common method of punishing a spouse. We've all heard about the wife who gets mad and sleeps on the couch or turns her back to her husband in bed. Somewhere down the line she learned that cutting her spouses off sexually was an acceptable way of expressing her anger or punishing her husband for hurtful behavior. In my opinion, to do so is a type of abuse and unacceptable in any relationship.

We all need to have boundaries, limits on behaviors we will not accept from a spouse. There are far more productive ways of setting boundaries and expressing anger than cutting a spouse off from the very thing that bonds a couple together intimately. Next time you contemplate withholding affection and intimacy from your spouse, stop and think. Do you really want to send the person you love the message that you don't desire them sexually?

Comments
June 6, 2011 at 11:33 am
(1) James says:

It is mostly the guy who sleeps on the couch not the wife.

June 6, 2011 at 11:47 am
(2) Anonymous Female says:

My husband has withheld sex and affection whenever he was angry or wanted power since our wedding night. Why is it always the woman who is blamed for low sex drive and frigidity?

My husband would say, “Is that all you think about?” He slept on the couch most of our marriage where he passed out from watching TV, eating junk food, and drinking beer. When the kids moved out, he moved into his own room and now we haven’t had sex for two years. He is grossly obese, and suffers from Diabetes II.

June 6, 2011 at 12:40 pm
(3) Dee says:

This issue is fraught with complication, misunderstanding and manipulation.

I lived with an emotionally abusive husband and as the issues grew worse (leading up to me finally informing him I wanted a divorce) I eventually declined to engage in sex with him as a necessary defense for my own emotional well being.

Sex, particularly for women, is an emotional as well as a physical act and, as a result, inextricably tied to one’s mental and emotional well being.

Subjecting one’s self to intimate (and sometimes abusive) relations with an individual who is mistreating you is a patently bad idea, which over the long term, can be severely damaging.
The cognitive and emotional dissonance created by such actions only worsens an already bad situation.

Reasonable individuals dealing with this dynamic can and ought to be able to resolve it appropriately through conversation and/or counseling.

Unfortunately, those who cannot are often dealing with deeper, more serious issues that cannot and should not be dealt with by either party simply acquiescing to the other, thus washing over whatever core issues they may be having.

Blanket statements that ‘with holding’ sex is tantamount to abuse’ dangerously suggests to women, particularly, that they should simply put up with whatever is being dealt out to them, no matter how difficult or extreme, and consider it their ‘wifely duty’ to provide her body as relief to someone who may be abusing her.

A caveat considering cases of abuse is in order on a web blog like this, and I would hope to see such in future when posting about similar, potentially complex issues.

June 6, 2011 at 1:18 pm
(4) Molly says:

Thank you for your comment Dee. My feelings to the word. Only those of us who have been there understand the complexities of an emotionally and/or physically abusive marriage.

June 6, 2011 at 1:50 pm
(5) Marie says:

Thank you Dee. You said it very well. The person who wrote the article is clueless. Why on earth would you want to have sex when you are angry or hurt. How about talking things over. I cant even believe someone would say you shouldnt withhold sex if thats what you want to do. Why not? Its my choice to do with my body whatever I wish.

June 6, 2011 at 2:21 pm
(6) Goldy55 says:

I finally divorced my husband of 33 yrs. He was the patent
“PA” along w/being both physically & emotionally abusive. Although I never turned him down for sex, it was basically over in 45 seconds anyways; it took me a long time to realize why he would turn away from me. It was due to his PA behavior of punishing me for reasons I will never understand.

June 6, 2011 at 2:29 pm
(7) dodie says:

Dee, I understand what you are saying but I think you have misunderstood what Cathy is saying here.

I lived in a sexless marriage and finally got out of it and I found Cathy’s insight about how withholding sex is a form of passive aggression was very helpful and enlightening.

She has written more about this topic where she explains this in depth and it is worth reading and more nuanced than this small item.

It helped me to understand my own shame at my husband rejecting me sexually.

June 6, 2011 at 3:10 pm
(8) Dee says:

Dodie,

As a long time subscriber to this feed, I understand and acknowledge your point.

I posted my reply here today, however, because I also understand that some may not be as aware of the full array of articles and know enough to filter for this.

My last sentence contains the broader point that a public advice column such as this ought to contain additional detail for individuals in situations for whom this advice would be seriously counter productive.

Kind regards,
Dee

June 6, 2011 at 4:41 pm
(9) Marie says:

I wish someone would explain to me how you can have sex if you are angry with someone. Are you not connecting your heart and mind to your vagina? Or are you just letting the man use you? I will never understand. Most women withhold because they are not feeling loving towards their mate. Or are simply not in love with them anymore. Or the man is abusive verbally or physically. Would you say we should just let them use our bodies when they feel like it? That makes me want to throw up.

June 6, 2011 at 6:33 pm
(10) Dee says:

Marie, I agree.

Loss of affection is a natural consequence of bad interpersonal behavior.
I think it’s a stretch to frame this (in) action as punitive.

June 6, 2011 at 7:23 pm
(11) HK says:

Dee:

Thanks for the insightful comment. I don’t think that there is a suggestion in the article that anyone should put up with abuse. It goes without saying that if either party is abusing the other, you should be looking to stop the abuse — by getting help, counseling, and/or leaving the relationship.

I was married to a very abusive woman who frequently used sex as a means of manipuation and control. Thank God, I had the courage to leave that marriage.
Any behavior that is designed to extract control is a form of abuse. So I consider my ex-wife’s withholding of sex/affection as a form of abuse. The article was dead correct about that.

If in a relationship that is NON ABUSIVE, one partner is angry at the other for something, then withholding affection is not an acceptable way to express oneself.

Bottom line: if you are in an abusive relationship – stop the abuse. If you are in a non-abusive relationship, don’t ruin it by withholding affection.

June 6, 2011 at 7:33 pm
(12) Beverly says:

You are right, people who have not lived that experience will not understand. They dont understand that abusers dont want counseling. The sickest people never realize that they are sick, that’s why they often do not seek out help. I would ask those people what situation do you think I really am in, anyway? Do you think that I am in a marriage?I do not wish to hurt your feelings as you have both been hurt enough already, but a marriage where there is either physical or emotional abuse going on is NOT a marriage, it is a living hell that you need to stop “putting up with.” Intervention is the answer and if the police, clergy, social workers and psychologists and psychiatrists cant stop the abuse by reasoning with the abuser then you are caught in a veritable trap and you are most definitely NOT in a marriage. Since you are NOT in a marriage, leaving the abuser should not render a sense of guilt but relief. If the abuser then should come to his/her senses and try to win you back, you can always work toward building a “real marriage” together. Marriage is a gift from heaven to be treasured and adored, but society has turned into little more than a legal agreement
amongst roomates.

June 6, 2011 at 9:07 pm
(13) Marie says:

Witholding affection and witholding sex are two different things. If one is angry and upset with their spouse in a healthy relationship, I dont think witholding affection is right although its hard to be affectionate when you are angry..at least for most people. I think people do not want to have sex for many different reasons. Its not always a “withold”.

June 7, 2011 at 4:19 pm
(14) Sassy says:

Yes, that’s exactly the message my husband wanted to send me. He no longer desired to have sex with me.

I have always had a strong sex drive, but him – not so much. At late mid-life when he began to experience even more lack of desire for sex, he projected onto me and began to blame me for it.

I had one foot out the door after a very long marriage, when he was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. We had sex six months after the diagnosis after I discussed the situation with his oncologist and the oncologist encouraged him to try to at least give me pleasure. It went well, but after that one try, he never touched me again and I finally moved upstairs. It has now been six years since the last sex between us, and he is in the last stages of his cancer.

I have stayed with him at the encouragement of my therapist, who feels I have a lot invested and a lot to lose with a divorce at this late time in my life.

June 7, 2011 at 4:34 pm
(15) Chris says:

Marriage is always about pleasing the other partner, even when the “abusing” spouse is not behaving like s/he should. Withholding sex from a spouse is a highly selfish and destructive behavior. It’s tit fot tat, or returning evil for evil.

I can guarantee that if Marie is currently married, she probably won’t be for long — with an attitude like that. Hear this ignorant comment, “I cant even believe someone would say you shouldnt withhold sex if thats what you want to do. Why not? It’s my choice to do with my body whatever I wish.” Oh, really? Then suffice it to say that a husband can beat his wife to a bloody pulp for withholding sex from him and there’s not one thing wrong with that. Why? Because it’s his choice and he can do whatever he wants with his body.

Generally speaking, sex is expected in a marriage, and so women (or men) who withhold sex from their spouse because they are being “abused” are just as selfish and wrong as the one who does the abusing.

June 9, 2011 at 4:43 am
(16) peter says:

hey divorce never an option we have to compromise to run our marriage peacefully .

June 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm
(17) Brian says:

My wife would withhold sex from me time and time again in our marriage. Once she even told me that if I asked her again why we hadn’t had sex for a month, she would hold off for another month. In seven years of marriage I can quite honestly say that we had sex probably less than 100 times.

She withheld sex from me for most of the last two years we were married. At first it was just doing things like going to bed very early, before I was ready, or staying up until long after I had gone to bed, but eventually it became endless excuses – too tired, too late, too cold, felt sick, sore back, migraine, something to do with the kids.

Every night there was a different reason and if I ever tried to talk to her about it, she either got mad or just said “I don’t know”, and that was the end of the conversation. It was extremely frustrating for me, it was hurtful but worst of all it led me to resent her. I resented her for never wanting to have sex, and I resented her for never wanting to talk about why. In the end I realised that over the course of our marriage, the only times we’d ever had sex was when she wanted it. If I tried to initiate sex and she wasn’t interested, it didn’t happen. No amount of trying to get her in the mood would work. Eventually I just stopped trying.

I feel like I have been cheated of almost 8 years of my sex life, I resent my (now) ex-wife for making me feel that way and it has had an affect on how I perceive other women too.

June 16, 2011 at 3:31 pm
(18) Walter says:

My wife and I are going through trial separation now. She had though about about separation back in Nov 2010 but withold the info until Feb (due to holidays reason). During the 3 months Nov-Feb, she continued to have sex with me (2-3/wk). Then in Feb we had an argument which then the separation bomb dropped on me as a shock. She stopped sex and slept in separate room after that. Through conversation last week, I found out that she stopped sex out of advice from her friend. This bad advice, in my opinion, prevented any intinmate bond that I have with her, making my desire to work through our troubles less and less.

Dee, my question is, is she withhold sex to punish me (out of anger) or to force a disconnection with me so as to be consistent with her desire to separate? She’s seems to confuse at time. BTW, she displays some MLC symptons mentioned in your other article.

August 3, 2011 at 3:39 pm
(19) mel says:

As someone in the legal profession, the most honest stat is the one that says that sex is only 10% of the marriage unless you are not having sex, then if makes up 90% of the marriage and at least half of the divorce stem from one partner or the other withholding sex, which leads to other issues. The other 50% is finances and money related divorce. Rarely do people actually get a divorce just because they don’t like or love each other any longer.

August 6, 2011 at 1:15 pm
(20) Matt says:

Sex can be every bit as emotional for men as it is for women. When a guys wife withholds that, it can make him feel undesired, rejected and unloved. If it’s withheld from your husband for an extended period of time, don’t be surprised if he accuses you of rejecting him and not loving him. By using sex to punish your spouse, you’re damaging your relationship more than you know. Your husband may grow distant from you and your left wondering why. The reason could be withholding sex. Alot of women just assume it’s physical need for us men. It’s emotional for us men too. It makes us feel loved, attractive, desired, and wanted. It can make a stressful day at work seem like a cake walk. It’s part of how us men bond with our spouse. To those women who don’t believe that, go right ahead and continue to withhold that and see what happens in your marriage. It can cause your husband to feel hurt by you and resentful.

November 21, 2011 at 8:49 pm
(21) Tanya says:

to Matt – It’s my husband who has withheld sex for the last year and a half … so what do you think that does to a woman? If sex is how you bond… and he’s affectionate and caring in many ways but wants things his way and won’t talk about this… what would you say is happening here?

And a lot of men and society assume that all the things in life that men need regarding sex are not something a woman needs.

November 28, 2011 at 12:39 am
(22) Jas says:

It is never okay to withhold affection, sex, or emtions from your spouse, UNLESS the relationship is abusive.
My exwife of 7 years was awesome up until the day we got married, then she became PA about emotions and non-sexual physical contact. Sex was virtually non-existant.

Here is what I have to say to women: Men are like dogs. Feed them, love them, play with them, treat them like you WANT them around. If you do that, they will be loyal to you forever. Sure, there are some bad guys out there and they deserve what they get. However, the majority of women do not know how, nor care to, treat their husbands decently, let alone act like they actually love them.

Because divorce almost always benefits women.

Alright, light me up ladies, but the “good” ones know I’m right.

December 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm
(23) Hell Raiser says:

To all those who complain that they are being blamed for withholding sex because they are angry…
YOU ARE PUNISHING YOUR MATE.
There, do you get it?
you are using sex as a weapon.
Case closed.
Don’t be surprised when he, and yes the sexual niggard is usually female, goes to court and GETS IT ALL.
The law, common sense and biology all agree. When he accepted your demand for monogamy, YOU accepted his demand to be available at least some times.
If he documents your manipulation, a court has no legal recourse but to rule the marriage a sham, a fraud, a fake and hand all his earning for all those years back to him.
You might even find yourself on the wrong end of a civil judgment for fraud.

March 12, 2012 at 12:48 am
(24) lii says:

Some of these comments are ridiculous. I agree with Marie’s comment. A woman shouldn’t feel pressured to have sex with a man if she is angry or upset with him. I’m not saying she should withhold sex for extended periods of time or use sex as punishment, but I find it ridiculous that some of you think it’s acceptable to guilt trip a woman into sex when she is feeling hurt for whatever reason. This implies that the man’s physical needs are always important but that her emotional needs are only important when it suits the man.

April 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm
(25) Bob Dole says:

The article NEVER once said that ONLY WOMEN do this “Anonymous Female” in fact, at the bottom, are multiple links to articles about Men engaging in this same harmful behavior. You can confront him on his passive aggressive behavior, if he is not willing to admit or try to change, LEAVE HIS ASS. You deserve better. If you are a man, and women do this to you, LEAVE HER, because she will not stop, she has ALREADY decided that this is her primary method of manipulation. It will not end until YOU end it.

Good luck, and from personal experience I have met FAR more women than men that play this game, the ONLY time I have ever slept on the couch, was due to the level of frigidity in my wife, and I could not even be in the same room as her due to the fact that it feels like being a punished child, and it is abusive, and don’t put up with it.

April 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm
(26) Bob Dole says:

But.. Lii… You just essentially admitted that you ARE engaging in this behavior. You literally just outlined WHY you do it, and you justified denying men support because “your emotional” support is “sooo” much more important. Do you not see the contradiction there?

I find it funny that 90% of women that leave comments, actually further reinforce the evidence.

The fact that women consider their own well being SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than that of their mate, is the WHOLE reason that both sexes play this game, I never even knew you could use sex as a weapon until I got into a relationship with a woman that did, now I know the signs, but it turns out that many of these woman wait until months, repeat, MONTHS into the relationship to suddenly hit the “chill” switch. Bait and switch, and it’s pathetic girls AND boys.

October 8, 2012 at 5:49 pm
(27) Amy says:

I can’t figure out if I’m being punished or what. I’ve been married 45 years and we only had sex once on our wedding night. That was my first and last all in about one hours time. My husband informed me that he hated sex, it was messy, smelly and not worth it at all, no pleasure, excitement, to much work for so little and boring. He decided that sex between us would never happen again. I feel like he married me for a tax write off !. I’ve never slept with him because he moved all his things to the basement and our wedding night he went to work. Some will say hes gay or getting it else where. Hes not I’ve had him followed many times by a detective and he has turned up nothing. Really I wouldn’t know who would want to be near him. He has long straggly hair and a long beard and dresses like some home less person. The hobo appearance started right after we were married. I’ve been confused, depressed mad and upset for years. I have no idea what went wrong. My two best friends are my doctor and shrink.

October 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm
(28) Jack says:

You sicken me, and further prove that the term ‘abuse’ is thrown around to mean anything you don’t like. Amazing someone as old as you can be so stupid, I don’t know how you avoid learning so well. Withholding sex is a shit move, but it’s not abuse any more than arguing is.

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October 28, 2012 at 7:26 am
(30) dry mouth at night diabetes says:

I’m amazed, I have to admit. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s equally educative
and interesting, and without a doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The problem is something too few people are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very happy that I stumbled across
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November 10, 2012 at 8:18 am
(31) Shorty says:

I am being punished by my verbal abusive Husband by witholding sex N affection. Married 31years. Before verbal abuse was at a minimal then I lost my job 4 years ago, couldn’t hold on to the ones I got in those 4 years, then the witholding started n the verbal abuse got worse. He made love to me 4 times in one years n it was more with a sense of urgency, no forepaly. Or words of Love. Noticed I was being punished. Confronted him send him letters, tried romantics nights but nothing worked. So my emotional n sexual frustrrations R overhelming n at this point in my marriage Don’t know what to do. Thanks everyone for your comments at least I know I’m not alone.

December 8, 2012 at 2:36 am
(32) Dot says:

I’ve been married to my husband for 28 years. We never make love and haven’t for years. We’ve tried therapy twice with no success, just broken promises by him to make it up to me. I feel like the shell of the person I use to be, worthless and unlovable. It’s a deep hole that has swallowed me up emotionally and I can’t seem to climb out. He finally admitted that he withheld sex because he felt I didn’t make him feel important, that I was too busy with the kids. Well, mister if you had gotten off your dead ass once in a while and helped me instead of expecting me to do everything, I might have had more interest in you. He only wanted oral sex for years and would get angry and pout if he didn’t get it. I was totally left out and didn’t matter. So thanks for withholding sex from me for not making you feel important. Did you ever cross your mind how you were making me feel? Now you want us to be close, well go f**k yourself. Our sex life can never be repaired after all this damage to my self esteem. I feel disconnected from the world and alone. I have no trust or sexual attraction left inside of me. It’s been crushed like a bug.

December 29, 2012 at 10:38 pm
(33) mary says:

wow wow withholding sex and affection is a form of abuse and it is
controlling behavior it is used mainly by pa. and yes i am married to one, it is the same story we mainly have sex when he wants when i want it i can not have it, one night i suggested intimacy, he went into the shower and jerked off, i caught him and of course it was he did not feel good. marriage is supposed to be mutually love and affection. but as a christian the responsibility is supposed to be on the man to love his wife she is a responder. i personally think my husband has a screw loose and it this point i will not initate, sex with him is not kissing and foreplay just getting his quickie and i am tired of it he can go jerk off. and at this point if another attractive, kind, gentle man is around i might jump ship. i do not know how a woman could live in a total sexless, loveless marriage it was not meant to be married to your brother or a flakeoly!!!
it is a sin to withhold and act an such a selfish way.

January 11, 2013 at 2:18 am
(34) Hannah says:

I’ve never intentionally withheld sex as punishment. The one time I withheld sex was because he agreed with something extremely ignorant and untrue about the female body with his friend and then told me “It’s the gross ugly truth.” This wasn’t as punishment; it was because what he had said made me feel extremely self conscious and like he wouldn’t want it anyway.

January 23, 2013 at 11:13 pm
(35) Stephanie says:

My husband has been withholding sex and affection from me off and on for 8 yrs now. I feel very unloved, ugly, undesired. He is always angry at me for something. I believe he is bi polar. He is also verbally abusive. I have left him before and then he promised to be kinder. I gave him a second chance for the sake of our family. But when I don’t do what he wants and this could be anything from what I cook to something I say. He flips out. Being ignored, called every name in the book, and not given any love or affection has made me hate my husband because i have done everything i could to please this man. I kept telling myself maybe if i gave him a daughter he will change because he wanted a daughter. Maybe if i made more money, maybe if i cooked better, looked better, was thinner, looked younger, Kept the house spotless blah blah blah blah blah you name it and ive tried it! I’m a good wife, mother, and hard worker. I deserve to be loved each and everyday! I will not try anymore to ever earn someone’s affection. The funny thing is im 11 years younger than him, I’m beautiful, and have an excellent job! I’m still shaking my head on this one. I sleep on the couch and I’m currently saving to move out. Goodbye, see ya!

February 22, 2013 at 4:02 am
(36) wane says:

i been encountering this for the last 5 years of my marriage. I felt that I was doing something wrong but i realize now that its not me. She tells me that i only want her to lay on her back. This is not the case, i need affection and intimacy. Sex in my marriage is like once every two month, and when i touch her she takes a deep breath has if its the end of the world. i do all the work while she lay in one position never wanting to do anything else accept end it. even when she have an orgasm she try to repress it. She stop kissing me, when i sit next to her she gets up. This is abuse because it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. It makes me depress and unhappy all the time. I stay marry because we have two 4 year old that expect to see me everyday. I know that expressing this has abuse will only lead to court and me being punish with child support. I am so stressed out

March 9, 2013 at 10:31 pm
(37) Pat says:

I agree with Matt. Sex for a man is an emotional, as well as a physical need. A man knows a woman loves him when she shares her body with him. It is his nature and you cannot change that. I do not believe it is the same for a woman. If a woman is justifiably angry with a man, I can understand why she might not want to sleep with him right away. But she will cause great damage to the marriage or relationship by withholding intimacy for a long time. She cannot pretend she loves him, no matter what else she does for him. If she is physically unable, that is one thing. But just because she is not in the mood, over and over again? The man will feel unloved and if she doesn’t care about that, then she doesn’t love him.

April 17, 2013 at 3:00 pm
(38) Marissa says:

Thank you all so much for understanding. This article is one of the most ignorant articles I have ever read. We don’t have sex because we don’t feel intimate towards this person anymore. Talk about kicking you once you are already on the ground. Ignorant!

October 7, 2013 at 9:36 am
(39) Whajonahe says:

It’s abusive. Take it from someone who has gone through it for 16.5 years of this abuse. It’s horrible. I feel like I’ve been robbed of having a somewhat normal life for these years. Everyone seems to understand being “cheated on,” but few ever think of being “cheated out of.” I could argue that the latter is worse. If a woman is unfaithful to her husband, but still sleeps with him, what has he lost? But if a woman doesn’t sleep with her husband, he loses a great deal. It consumes a man’s thoughts, his self-worth, his ambition. It destroys him. If that’s not abuse, I don’t know what it. Eventually, he gets torn down so far that he might become a different person, a horrible person to be around. Then the abuser might have every reason to continue the abuse … it becomes circular. Don’t make the mistake of forgetting how it started: one person withheld the love and affection he or she promised when the marriage vows were taken. It’s pretty easy to keep a man happy. We don’t ask for much. It’s also pretty easy to manipulate us; we have a Pavlovian joy stick between our legs and can be “played” like a video game. I tried very hard for the first half of this marital quagmire: to make her love me, to fix the problems, to help her overcome the myriad of reasons, rationalizations, and excuses … but even when a dumb animal like I try to stick a fork in a light socket over and over again, finally learns that all it’s going to cause is pain. If starving someone of food or water is considered torture, then at the very least, starving a person of an almost equally important human need is abuse.

October 23, 2013 at 3:56 pm
(40) nickle says:

Whajonahe, well said. I like the ‘Cheated out of’, that’s exactly how it feels.
If a wife is to the point of withholding, she should have the courage to file for divorce.
Otherwise, welcome to the pain. Everyone’s life will become a living nightmare.
Very foolish.
Its also a matter of time…. Mad for a week, fine. Two weeks, okay. Years? Forget it. Even months.
As someone living in this, I have found no one understands the devastation unless you have gone through it yourself. Especially as a man.

January 8, 2014 at 7:49 pm
(41) Dutch says:

Whajonahe,well said…..I’ve been dying emotionally for 3years out of a 9year marriage,slowly and painfully.My kids have watched me move from a laughing and joyous father,to a quiet and moody husband due to my soon to be ex wife’s withholding of sex.I am but a shell of the man I was,trying to win back the love and sex we had,but guess what?From the numerous rejections and countless lonely nights it’s become more apparent that things will NEVER be the same again.(flogging a dying horse,basically).Years go-by so fast that I have made up my mind to GET OUT,but be there 4 my kids,and find happiness with a woman who wants to be intimate equally.Before you know it decades pass and the loneliness increases,and so does the resentment…leading to downright hatred of an individual…read the above stories and all you see is the different stages in years of ”this” same /similar situation being dragged out forever sometimes.If you truly love yourself get out now,you are in no condition to love anybody else….especialy your partner cause love”real love” does not use you for selfish reasons like punishing you by withholding sex….. MAN/WOMAN regardless,it’s sick….you need to let the other half go if you nolonger want them,simple…….and you dont want your kids to hate you because your frustrations of balancing being the best father/mother and being an ABUSED husband/wife start to take its toll.The way things are going….Some of you women who arent getting any nookie overstand the emotion of being stuck in a cycle of never ending disappointments,sexual frustration and neglect,just as man do,get out of it before you are robbed of the lil time you have to find happiness…life is to short

February 9, 2014 at 4:59 pm
(42) Sandy says:

I am living with a man who is an alcoholic. I have told him that I will not have sex with him when he is drunk. Needless to say, every off day he is drunk and when he is not drinking he is sleeping and too tired for sex. I found out that he has been having online affairs with several other women, telling them he was divorcing me and that he loves them, etc. the whole gamut. I have explained to him how this hurts me and I would appreciate it if he would stop. He said he would, but did not. Yes, I do feel it is a form of abuse started by him continuing to do the things that hurt me and then expect me to just get over it. Damn right I am withholding sex from him because he is withholding affection from me. I know it is time to leave, but cannot at this time due to finances. So do I just give in because men need this to feel loved and so I should just love him while he continually disrespects our marriage? I am reacting to a deep hurt and am trying to protect myself. I don’t want any connection to this person at this time.

So I guess I am saying that it depends on the circumstances. If you are in a loving and respectful relationship then that is one thing, but when you live with a lying, cheating person who doesn’t respect you or your marriage by bringing other people into it, then it is not abuse it is protecting yourself from further hurt. And if the shoe was on the other foot, I would expect my spouse to do the same thing.

March 8, 2014 at 9:05 pm
(43) Dawn says:

I’m at a very low point in my life from dealing with a emotional and verbal and abusive husband of 22 years today!! (3/8/92) I got married to him because I loved him. My family was never allowed to visit and if they came unannounced he showed his behind times 10 !!! Everything has to go his way/ no music, my grandkids can’t visit and he hates my family with a passion!! His family said that he was crazy and have nothing to do with him!!! He beat me for the first 10 years of my marriage until I started fighting back!!! Just say he can’t stand the sight of a pot of spaghetti!!! Now I have been witholding sex because it has got to the point where I can’t stand for him to touch me!!! He is 100% disabled since 2000 and underfoot every and all day!!! I get ill when he whines and beg for sex and I’m about to jump out of my skin from his touch!! My three children have been thru the fire with me and he always threatend to call the police on them!! I’m wiped out and emotionally done with him!!! He tells anyone that will listen how I’m doing him but never what he did to me!! My oldest son wants me to move to Oklahoma but I don’t want to be a burden on him and his family!! I’m 46 and he’s 64 and always uses this ( I’m 18 years older than you and I want to be happy while I’m still above ground) that mess is so lame and old!!! No one visits or call me anymore due to his ways!!! I think I deserve some peace of mind while I’m still young!!!

March 15, 2014 at 8:46 am
(44) anonymous woman says:

A woman shouldnít feel pressured to have sex with a man if she is angry or upset with him. Iím not saying she should withhold sex for extended periods of time or use sex as punishment, but I find it ridiculous that some of you think itís acceptable to guilt trip a woman into sex when she is feeling hurt for whatever reason. This implies that the manís physical needs are always important but that her emotional needs are only important when it suits the man.

April 9, 2014 at 3:53 pm
(45) anonymous says:

We all hurt …male or female we all suffer when needs are not being met.You want some advice….RUN,before you’re too old and bitter you just die in the mess that you’ve been lying in.

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