1. People & Relationships
Cathy Meyer

Staying Sane While Divorcing a Narcissist

By December 7, 2011

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A narcissist is a person who doesn't feel good about themselves. In my opinion that is the basic issue one has to deal with when in a relationship or attempting to leave a relationship with a narcissist.

In order for the narcissist to feel good, he/she must make you feel inferior. During divorce the narcissist will threaten you with things they are most afraid of. For example, if the narcissist depends on his reputation to feed his/her need to feel like a good person, he/she will threaten to ruin your reputation. To alleviate their fears they project them off on to you.

How do you stay sane when divorcing a narcissist? You keep in mind that the narcissist has low self-esteem, they feel inferior to you and out of control. Their abusive behavior is not about you but about emotional survival for them. That is why it is important for you to protect your own emotional well-being before, during and after the divorce process.

Comments
December 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm
(1) Observer says:

Narcissists tend to have high self-esteem. However, narcissism is not the same thing as self-esteem; people who have high self-esteem are often humble, whereas narcissists rarely are. It was once thought that narcissists have high self-esteem on the surface, but deep down they are insecure. However, the latest evidence indicates that narcissists are actually secure or grandiose at both levels. Onlookers may infer that insecurity is there because narcissists tend to be defensive when their self-esteem is threatened (e.g., being ridiculed); narcissists can be aggressive.

December 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm
(2) Debbie says:

While divorcing my narcissistic, abusive husband, I refused to engage in any of his tactics to anger me. I simply played the nicest person in the world & kept this composure through-out the entire process; even while his Attorney tried to get me engaged. I answered all ?’s respectfully which made it extremely difficult for both parties to get anywhere. I simply refused to play! Believe me it’s the best “high” in the world when they can’t get you to betray yourself by joining their sick world. I even got to the point of instructing my Attorney I would refuse to attend any future meetings if the Attorney, now doing the dirty work of my husband, started with any false accusations or nasty behavior. If you won’t play, they can’t get anywhere. I won all of the court battles based on this philosophy. Try it; you won’t be sorry. Of course by the time I said I was divorcing my husband, it was strictly a business deal for me with a bad business partner.

December 12, 2011 at 7:09 pm
(3) Kris says:

I divorced my narcissist of a husband however its effecting our children to this day. He managed to turn my oldest against me and has started on our youngest. I’m currently seeking counseling on how to stay strong and not put the children in a battle or myself in defense mode with them. I only email my ex and try hard to stay away from texting or phone conversations since he “pulls” me in every time we talk! Stay strong and consistent and make your boundaries otherwise they keep winning what they want….control!

December 13, 2011 at 5:23 pm
(4) Pam says:

This was a very interesting article. My first husband fits this to a T!!!! I wish I would have known about this kind of personality during our marriage/divorce. I can proudly say I always chose to be the bigger person and just took care of business w/out game playing. (I put my needs last to avoid conflict) I knew that I could not control his talking to my family, neighbors, friends behind my back. He was very good at playing the “poor me” role and uses this tactic to this day and to try and control our children. It feels good to not have to deal with him on a day to day basis!!!!

December 13, 2011 at 6:19 pm
(5) Kat says:

My spouse was always insecure, looking for others to stroke his ego so he could feel like a man. I became wrapped up in his crap that I loss site of myself, I became insecure & questioned everything about myself. I’m divorcing him after 12 years because of his affair – even so he finds ways to blame me (for kicking him out, because he had to live out of his truck, etc) – basically things that have nothing to do with the facts of him cheating. This type person will bring you to your knees if you let them. He’s hurt the kids immensely and justifies part of his behavior by saying ‘theyre almost grown, they don’t care’. The things he tells himself is unreal. For either of the kids to get any of his attention they literally have to kiss his butt. When he’d treat them badly I’d call or text him & give him the ‘what for’, but he knew hurting them would get to me and I’d confront him – I’ve stopped playing the game and have stopped communicating with him altogether. It was my only option next to losing my mind.

December 17, 2011 at 9:39 am
(6) Rita says:

I have gotten more good advice from this column than all of the therapists I have seen and the self-help books that I’ve purchased…Cathy makes sense and I appreciate her wisdom, as well as the comments from the other women…I have printed out her page to keep reminding myself that it “isn’t me, it’s him…”

Thank you…

December 19, 2011 at 12:38 am
(7) divorcesupport says:

Thank you all for sharing. This article hit close to home for a lot of people. No one understands what it is like to have to engage in conflict with a narcissist. I hope, if anything this article helps you all know you are not alone.

Rita, a special thank you to you. Hearing your words keeps me motivated! I wish you well.

December 20, 2011 at 7:29 am
(8) William says:

I agreed to let my ex wife and son stay in my home while going though the divorce. She and her lawyer also stated to the judge they were not ready. She bought a new truck, couldnt pay for my son schooling. Judge told me to to pay the mortgage for her to pay the schooling. Found out she hasnt paid for schooling in 4 months as of December 2011. Now cant get her out of my home I bought before I got married. Being too nice sometimes make you look like the BAD person.

December 26, 2011 at 5:42 pm
(9) Tina Swithin says:

I divorced a narcissist and while we were married, my former brother-in-law described it best:

He is the most insecure/secure person I’ve ever met.

On the outside, he appeared completely secure– overly confident. The “real him” was so insecure that he constantly falsified stories going all the way back to childhood (ie he was the most popular boy in school, he grew up surfing, etc…none of these things were true).

January 1, 2012 at 8:40 pm
(10) LLM says:

Thanks so much for this article. I was married to a narcissist 18 years and left no stone unturned trying to “fix” him. During my divorce a counselor finally confirmed for me that I was dealing with someone with a true personality disorder — something I had suspected, but wouldn’t let myself believe. What I had trouble accepting was that I had been in an “abusive” relationship — it was unnerving to have a professional look me in the eye and tell me I was a “victim”. I felt stupid for staying so long and for not seeing the truth sooner. However, I was relieved to know that I was on the right track in getting out of the marriage.

He continues with the controlling behaviors, always puts our son in the middle and continues to try to turn our son against me. He has ALWAYS played the victim role. He did not even speak to our 10 year old son over the holidays…and somehow THAT is my fault. I could go on and on.

Thank you all for your comments — you have helped me…I want to get better at not allowing him to control me and to put an end to the endless childish bickering that he loves so much. Good luck to you all. Happy New Year!

March 5, 2012 at 9:38 pm
(11) CEN says:

Don’t feel bad – I stayed 22 years trying to make it work….what a complete waste of time. He discarded us like we never existed. Strange to watch the kids ages 16 and 19 – they don’t seem to miss him at all. I think in hindsight I held the family together. I am now going through the divorce process and I can tell its going to be a real hum dinger. Its the cost of it that worries me. I didn’t work my whole life to give everything to the lawyers but I will also not roll over and hand him everything either. Its a catch 22….damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Kind of how our whole relationship was i guess. Good article.

March 27, 2012 at 9:10 am
(12) Jenifer says:

When I realized my husband was involved in an affair I assumed it was a marital problem. A few days later I found out it was 3 ongoing faux relationships following at least 50 other sexual partners over our 22 year marriage. I knew it was a problem with him. Seeking psychological help for him became my priority. Now that it is apparent that he is a Narcissist with Personality Disorders while recovering Repressed Memories of childhood sexual abuse he has made life absolute hell. He ran away from home in September. He manipulates his Counselor and Nurse Practitioner to feed his unwellness. I’ve been counseled to make him accountable for his actions. He is divorcing me. I’m not fighting it but he is prolonging it. Everything is in his name. I believe he is preparing to skip the country to avoid IRS troubles he has made for our business for the past 4 years. (That 4 year marker was when we were in a car accident that has left me unemployable.) If this happens they could come after me for everything. We live in a no fault state. I don’t wish to continue the marriage but to be true to my vows of helping in sickness… My Attorney hasn’t seen anything like this and tends to blame me for not being aggressive instead of preparing for the outrageous behavior that I warn him is coming. Any similar experiences out there?

March 27, 2012 at 10:23 pm
(13) Lori says:

I am currently trying to decide what i’m going to do in my marriage. All of this onfo helps me feel that i’m really not crazy. we packed up almost 4yrs ago to move far from my home & family, to advance his career. I had my own career, until we moved, due to my 8yo in school, my husband traveling, and not having any family to hep out. He has isolated me, only “allows” me to have $$ in my acct when it deems it necessary (and Lord knows I buy nothing for myself, just necessities) the abuse started about a yr before we moved, and has escalted to the point when he has sprained my foot, and broken my wrist. This is aside from all the verbal & name calling. I cant afford an attorney, and I have nowhere to go. Since all of my family are far, out of state, I can’t go there because he has parental rights, as I do, to our daughter. And he will not let me leave the state!!! I’m so unhappy & worn down I have to do somethiing. He did do an 8wk anger management program, and we have done some couples counseling, but yet this past weekend – more abuse. He acted as he was going to punch me in the face, then I ducked, then he mocked me for “being a wimp” Ugh, thanks for listening everyone – it feels good to get it out. why isn’t there legal help out there for women who are unemployed, controlled & isolated? i don’t get it…..

March 27, 2012 at 10:23 pm
(14) Lori says:

I am currently trying to decide what i’m going to do in my marriage. All of this onfo helps me feel that i’m really not crazy. we packed up almost 4yrs ago to move far from my home & family, to advance his career. I had my own career, until we moved, due to my 8yo in school, my husband traveling, and not having any family to hep out. He has isolated me, only “allows” me to have $$ in my acct when it deems it necessary (and Lord knows I buy nothing for myself, just necessities) the abuse started about a yr before we moved, and has escalted to the point when he has sprained my foot, and broken my wrist. This is aside from all the verbal & name calling. I cant afford an attorney, and I have nowhere to go. Since all of my family are far, out of state, I can’t go there because he has parental rights, as I do, to our daughter. And he will not let me leave the state!!! I’m so unhappy & worn down I have to do somethiing. He did do an 8wk anger management program, and we have done some couples counseling, but yet this past weekend – more abuse. He acted as he was going to punch me in the face, then I ducked, then he mocked me for “being a wimp” Ugh, thanks for listening everyone – it feels good to get it out. why isn’t there legal help out there for women who are unemployed, controlled & isolated? i don’t get it…..

March 28, 2012 at 4:52 am
(15) Celeste says:

Dear Jenifer,

GET A DIFFERENT LAWYER!!! NOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

Ask around, psychologists will know the LAWYER YOU WANT, who will kick butt and fight FOR YOU!! Psychologists know this because THEY WRITE ASSESSMENTS FOR THE COURTS SO THEY KNOW, that’s how I got my kick ass lawyer and it was worth every penny paid !!!

Good Luck to you and everyone else on here, peace and quiet is PRICELESS!!!

April 12, 2012 at 2:18 pm
(16) Brian says:

I am definitely married to a narcissist. What I do not see after researching is that my wife is a narcissist to me, but codependent to others. She will bend over backwards and watch everything she says to others. But with me she could give a $&!t! She has made me look like a terrible person to others in her group. Told me she can’t help it. All women are like that. I said, stop with the lies! She said, it’s the truth! One messed up person! But others think she is the greatest gift! I give up! Trying to figure out how to get out. I love my 6 year old daughter so much. I want full custody. Have people used the personality disorder as a way to get full custody? if so, how did you do it? Thank you!

April 12, 2012 at 2:18 pm
(17) Brian says:

I am definitely married to a narcissist. What I do not see after researching is that my wife is a narcissist to me, but codependent to others. She will bend over backwards and watch everything she says to others. But with me she could give a $&!t! She has made me look like a terrible person to others in her group. Told me she can’t help it. All women are like that. I said, stop with the lies! She said, it’s the truth! One messed up person! But others think she is the greatest gift! I give up! Trying to figure out how to get out. I love my 6 year old daughter so much. I want full custody. Have people used the personality disorder as a way to get full custody? if so, how did you do it? Thank you!

April 14, 2012 at 11:30 pm
(18) deborah tolbert says:

After 8 years I decided to leave my alcoholic/drug user husband that is also narcissist. While he was out playing I finalized the divorce papers that I had put on hold for 8 months. I then moved out of the apt., changed phone numbers, blocked him from facebook, and got a PO box. When he got back 2 weeks later I was gone. Beleive or not his responce to my leaving was I had ripped him off by getting the car. And then he called back and asked about the TV and DVD player. These calls were made through my adult daughter who told him not to call any more. I just found out two days ago when he went to the hospital for lab work he told the technition that I was at home. We’ve been divorced for 3 months. His mother called my mother because she hadn’t heard from him and I was the one to tell her we were divorced. She said when she talked to him he never said anything. He never wants to look bad in front of other people. I just have a feeling that this is not going to be the last time I have to deal with him. He feels that I have wronged him and he is revengefull. For now he is playing the silent treatment but I am not fooled. He is laying for me to let my guard down. I have closed all the doors except one. He is able to find out when I go the my doctors appts. I am carefull and park the car blocks away. On a positive note at this time I am seeing a counselor to begin the work I need to do for myself. I have made new friends, I get to read my Bible and listen to my Christian music without having the TV on 24/7. I am able to enjoy food that I haven’t eatten in years. I go to the gym and work out everyday. The last thing I said to him was “the world does not revolve around you”. Life is so much better and I am so much happier

April 23, 2012 at 11:13 pm
(19) Pearl says:

I am in the beginning stage of divorcing my husband. We have been married for 26 years, During that time iI have been constantly verbally and emotionally abused. There was also one incident of physical abuse 2 years ago. It took 2 years of couseling for me to make the move out. I have been living in an apartment for the past 5 months while he is at the marital home complaining how he can’t afford to pay child support for our daughter. he actually has our 24 year old convinced that on his salary of over 65,000 he can’t afford to pay 200 a week. The girls all saw the abuse growing up but for some reason they feel sorry for him. We have a court date coming up and I am getting constant phone calls from him how sorry he is and how he has changed and will never treat me bad again, I don’t buy it. The hardest part is the daughters that I thought I was so close with just seem to feel bad for him. he has taken to crying something he hadn’t done ever in our 26 yrs of marraige. He is threatening to not pay real estate tax and to quit his job etc. He follows me and drives by apartment to check if i am home. I don’t feel I will ever be rid of him.

April 28, 2012 at 8:52 pm
(20) Lori says:

I can so relate… Unknown to me at the time I spent 15 years in a psychologically abusive relationship. I spent countless years of my life trying to be the perfect wife.. Continuously being told things were my fault, when I asked what needed to change I was only told I must be pretty stupid if I couldn’t figure it out. This always left me open to failure… I was always the fault of his anger and insecurities. Our difficulties could never be solved as the conversation went round in circles only to have him tell me it’s all my fault, I’m crazy, counseling was attended on several occasions.. But short lived on his part. He didn’t feel he was the one that needed it but rather felt that I should continue going. I did but it takes two. Suicidal when he left our marriage, threatened to kill me,, breached his condition…he is now doing the same to our three children.. There is no help. The children are fearful of him and because dad told them he wants 50/50 this is what they tell children’s lawyers. It is so unbelievable the tactics that are used to controll children. He threatened suicde

April 28, 2012 at 9:05 pm
(21) Lori says:

I can relate to all of the above. I was blind sided by the psychological abuse. Presently going through a divorce with a man I see as very mentally I’ll. He has threatened to kill me, told me when he is done with me I will have and be nothing, I require medication for a chronic illness and I chose to work part time for past 15 years to raise our children , he has removed me from his benefit plan. Meds cost 500/ month without I am unable to work/drive… Despite his manipulative ways even told children he would kill himself mom didn’t sign divorce papers. Nothing was ever his fault… I was always the crazy one. Courts awarded 50/50 parenting. He doesn’t tend to their daily needs, spends most of the nights at the bar, and he has pretty much turned the children against me. I love my children dearly an there is just no help. I fear for their safety when they are with him. He is so self absorbed that he can’t see past his own ego or anger to keep what is best for the children at the forefront of his brain. He create an outside image of being a wonderful person…. But there’s another side and no one sees it except for those that have no power in court. I’m sick of hearing, it’s a high conflict divorce. My children are now suffering physically from insomnia, anxiety and because the courts are there to empower children rather than protect them they continue to live with dad half the time. But he’s never there….. Where’s the justice and how can these dead beat parents get away with it……

May 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm
(22) Fed up says:

This weekend he had a tantrum and he broke two I-pads and ripped all the phones out of the wall. He told my 14 year old daughter it was her fault for setting him off through not being respectful. I am so scared that she will marry someone like him. He tried to have me committed and told a psychologist that I was bipolar — but if I’m the mentally ill one, why am I the one with broken ribs and ruined possessions?

June 20, 2012 at 2:05 pm
(23) Me says:

He says if he can’t hit me , deathly afraid of jail, he will
kill me another way. How I am still able to move at all after the lack of sleep and constant arguments , I don’t know.
I praise God that he will deliver myself and kids from him
as I see no other way.

June 21, 2012 at 11:10 pm
(24) Donya says:

Most states are no fault which means you get 1/2 of retirement and other assets accumulated during the marriage. If you are divorcing a narcissist forget about them ever knowing the truth of their disease… You are wasting your time and energy which needs to be spent elsewhere. Get out…fast. Get your 1/2 of assets and move on. I was Married to a narcissist for over 20 years and we had 3 children all in their teens now. Been there, done that, moving on.

June 22, 2012 at 2:11 am
(25) Cathy Meyer says:

Donna, no-fault divorce laws do NOT automatically mean a 50/50 split of assets. During divorce there is an “equitable” split of assets. Equitable means a fair or reasonable division of assets.

If you have a judge who is impartial his/her idea of fair or reasonable can be far from a 50/50 split. In fact, in most cases one spouse will end up with more of the assets than the other spouse.

June 27, 2012 at 10:10 pm
(26) Shari says:

I recently found out that my husband poisoned my cat, Kaiyu. He was bragging about it to mutual friends…miracle-gro over a long period of time. Put it in his catnip so my cat repeatedly ingested it in a frenzy. Kaiyu started to lose his bowels and was throwing up all the time. I would hold him in the bathroom tub and cry for him because he was obviously in pain. I was pregnant so my husband screamed at me to take him to get euthanized because I was endangering the health of our unborn child. Something in my gut never settled right. My daughter and I loved that cat sooooooo much and it sickens me me to know that that’s why my husband killed him…

I have a PFA against my husband…he broke my wrist and has been mentally abusing me. Sick things that others would call you crazy for repeating or believing. We have a 1 year old son that I am afraid he will abuse so I am doing my best to make sure that never happens.

My husband is also a witness involved in a homocide case which I fear now that there has been foulplay on his part. He had a close friend die in a car wreck and showed no feeling; in fact, he made a comment which made me suspicious of him. Now i look back and think of a time that he could have poisoned me!

July 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm
(27) Tia says:

Shari,
Are you still with this guy?? If you have a one year old, it is your DUTY as a mother to get out of there!! Yikes! Poisoning, involvment in a homicide case? Hello???? Time to get out!!

August 12, 2012 at 10:18 pm
(28) leeanne says:

Stay strong ladys, they are bullies on the play ground of life. Run do not walk, life is to short. peace is priceless!!!!!

August 18, 2012 at 12:13 am
(29) cam says:

Peace to you out there. Thank you all out there for sharing. I to have just left a horrific narcissist. I was with him from the ages of 38 to 49.We raised our4 children together and within 2 weeks of the last one turning 18 and having her high school diploma, he freaked out and became the most emotionally and verbally abusive person. I am highly degreed, shrink for kids and conventionally good-looking. At the end he had me anxious, sleep-deprived and questioning my sanity, and out some serious chump change. All of you out there…. Please remember this can happen to anyone… even women and men who appear to have it all.Positive thoughts to all of you in your day, hour, second of need. Please remember that in your need that you are the person alone in your room after the dust has settled. The quiet and the healing are immense.I know for many of you that no contact is impossible, but for some please do so for your own sake. These people suck the life out of others. I have spent innumerable minutes reading and becoming unbrainwashed. My mom and my shrink had to pull me out of the relationship(I agreed) because it was such a quiet psycho/social roll and web that he wove. Own it, but blame is for the narcissist, for he/she is pure unadulterated evil. i cannot believe the path of destruction that these people weave… I’m sure mine has no earthly clue that it is him…. he even went after me professionally as I have a very good reputation working with youth 4-22. Thank God I am not a marriage counselor….oh and one last comment …lick your proverbial wounds good and plenty….these people leave a lasting impression in your poor tortured brain.If you can spend a few minutes each day in total joyful silence…these NPD’s are the worst-even for strong willed and physically fit. no one deserves it… no one

September 4, 2012 at 4:12 pm
(30) Kris says:

I’m so glad to have found you all. You have lived my life and only those of you who have can understand. It’s soul crushing and so hard to find sanity in because there is no reason for what they do. What do they win? Loneliness and some power trip that leaves them with nothing. But they don’t care, as long as they feel you’ve lost, then they’ve won. I’ve been married 20 years and I have four to go until I can officially get out. I live in an apartment and come back and care for the kids everyday. It’s hard on me, but I’ve been told it’s all my fault for so long, I just needed to get out. He’ll fight for the kids so he looks like dad of the year. I come home, protect them from his verbal crap and leave. Right now, I find it’s easier to fight him being married and having the money. I’m looking for work, but I can’t afford to fight him and raise the kids.

I keep thinking it’s a wasted life, and I don’t want mine to be wasted. He looks like a hero to the outside world, to the church, to the soccer team he coaches, but he will end up alone. His family, friends — they’re all gone. Only those who have to put up with him, do. One day his kids will have a choice and he will have no one to control.

September 23, 2012 at 10:42 am
(31) Rose says:

Great column…I am divorcing my husband of 33 years of marriage and 7 years of dating…..what bubble was I living in all of these years….blaming..accusing..defining..name calling..intimidating and threatening. It seemed like only a matter of time before it became physical. I couldn’t go on. I think I stayed for so long because I didn’t want to upset so many lives but yet it seems as though I have. But I know that I must take care of me now even though I was always told by my abuser that ” It’s all about you.. Your selfish and ungrateful”. My heart goes out for this man still even through it all…I forgive him for everything in my heart. I hope that he truly gets the help he needs. But I need to move on. And I know that my life is just beginning.

September 24, 2012 at 10:55 pm
(32) snookie says:

Hate to say that I had to also leave a marriage of 26 years …..with older teenagers. The verbal abuse became more frequent as he approached middle age. He would also often ask me to leave the bed at night to sleep on the sofa. Such insignificant things would get him exploding, and I could not remember what they were after a few hours! Most times, neither could he. I would be the one trying to keep the peace. The kids would disappear to their bedrooms and stay there, never relax in the lounge, because he would always be at them for something. He has some really sweet ways, can be fun to be with and is intelligent ..but this exploding anger and manipulative ways are overpowering everything. We all walked on eggshells until this actually started affecting me physically, as well as my daughter – stomach aches, lack of apetite, palpitations, restless sleep, etc. I could not wait for him to go to his job so we could get a break from him. I love him dearly, but it seemed like a no-win situation. He would love to get married to me again, even after all his insults and running me down behind my back… I am torn. Also, the kids dont really want much to do with him, even though he is desperate for reconciliation. I wish he had made an effort to get counseling, but he doesnt want to admit to his issues. Thinks we are the ones with the problems……unreal. How do you help someone like this, without getting back into the same situation again?

October 2, 2012 at 6:43 pm
(33) Take action says:

These people are about CONTROL. They manipulate. Everything they do is for themselves. They put on an act for others.

Time to stand up to them.
Time to call out on their BS.
They “thrive” – because of secrecy. Tell the world what they are doing.
Point out their wrong doings.
Time to love yourself and put yourself first.
Time to keep your mouth shut and take actions.
Start taking steps – with each step moving away from them.
As someone said earlier — WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND them.
Unless they are providing a lot of love, affection, $$$$$…. Get out and work for yourself…instead of these parasites.
Invest time, energy, resources in supporting yourself….LEAVE them.

October 22, 2012 at 10:56 am
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November 21, 2012 at 11:22 pm
(35) Isabell says:

Thank you all for the comments, really helpful.
Been married to a malignant narcisistic husband for 22 years.
Don’t know how did I survived all this time. Going through long painful
Divorce affecting greatly the children. My son has become pot head trying to escape the reality my daughter is severely depressed and suicidal.
The law is really not on my side. I am professional with really good income the husband isn’t working I have to support him and divide everything with him, I am ok with this as long as I can protect my kids from him. He constantly involves them into the divorce proceedings trying to destroy my career and relationship with them. He has been seeing a psychiatris for 15 years and nothing seems to help. Text book control freak abusive parent damaging the well being of his kids to gain personal benefit, there really isn’t an easy way out. These people are like malignant cancer stage 4 but slowly and painfully progressing. My advise is to know the sings and run as fast as you can as soon as you have your doubts.

November 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm
(36) msms says:

I have been married 12+ years to a narcissist and want a divorce. He has told me on many occasions that he will never get a divorce because he is a christian. He was married before and cheated on his wife. She was able to divorce him because she had grounds. I can’t stand this “walking on eggshells” life for another minute. He complains that his remote is not by his chair, his alarm clock has been moved and is not precisely at a 45 degree angle, his chair at the kitchen table should be centered with the corner of the rug, the toilet paper is hanging the wrong way, the list is long. . . He will never give me a divorce. What options do I have? I’ve thought about telling him I’m a lesbian (I’m not) but thought he might divorce me if he believed it. I really don’t want to resort to something as stupid as that. Any suggestions?

November 29, 2012 at 9:43 am
(37) nikki ld says:

Reading this column has kept me sane today. I have finally decided after 18years of marriage that my husband’s behaviour is not going to change and that I have to instigate a separation despite my fear of his reaction.
He had been cold to me from when I first moved in with him He used to lie on his back and say goodnight. If I tried to instigate sex he told me he was too tired. We hardly ever had sex and it was always instigated by me. If I tried to discuss this, in fact if I try to discuss anything, he is completely silent. I mean completely ignoring I have said anything. If I don’t let a subject drop because it is important he will freeze me out for days with sulking , and being extra nice to everyone else. This includes my kids who enjoy his attention and just see me getting cross with him because of my frustration. If i dare to really idg my heels in he can rage. He has pointed his finger and called me names like’Wicked Woman’. Then, just as I am walking out of the door he manipulates emotionally. he might say, “how can you break up the family?” and make me feel guilt. Mostly he says he knows he has problems with intimacy and he understands that now and he wants to change. He tells me I have to be nice to make it easy for him. The problem is I am expected to forget all the hurt (years of horrible memories). And of course he has never changed. I am exhausted from the same scenario. I really do hurt and feel unlike him. So now I have said no more. And he is colder than ever. I’ve done 20 years with him and he is just coldly discussing practicalities. Ouch! I’m hurting everywhere physically.

December 6, 2012 at 8:44 am
(38) melissa75 says:

I was just divorced after 12 years of marriage and 20 years in the relationship with a man who cheated lied and was verbally abusive. I had 2 kids with him. The last 2 years of marriage he started the affair, left me for 3 weeks on 2 separate trips abroad to see her. Therapy during that time made me see he was a Narcissist. My mind was opened to understand the behaviors he did the criticism, guilt, name calling and manipulations were due to the narcissism. I dropped two dicorce lawyers due to his manipilations that at the time I believed.. one that we were reconciling..when after I dropped the lawyer he went abroad again. When he was gone I hired my second. He didn’t want to pay me $ and wanted the kids with him when I was the stay at home mom the past 9 years. After I got a job out of th hbouse he badgered me over and over about the terms.. all while refusing to hire his own attorney. Due to emotional exhaustion and stupidity I let the second one go..and he told me the divorce was on hold. It wasn’t and he dicorced me. Then immediately went out of the country a 3rd time. I filed a motion for rehearing and it was granted!! I am now waiting on a settlement and soooo sorry I wasn’t wiser to his schemes. He also turned my 11 year daughter against me a bit in the past 2 years. I’m away from him now and don’t fall for his lies anymore. I got my peace but at a price. Always be wary dealing with a Narcissist during divorce and in the relationship. Luckily my parents and close friends were incredibly supportive to remind me he’s the one with the issues.

December 6, 2012 at 10:56 pm
(39) Divorced for good says:

I managed to marry and divorce THREE narcissists. I guess I just kept falling hook, line and sinker for their tactics. Like a moth to a flame. Finally, I went to see a therapist and he told me a few things that made it all make sense. These types of men (incredibly likeable, but vengeful, raging, abusive and emotionally unstable) are drawn to someone like me. I would just tap dance around them and keep them happy (cause I was THAT powerful :) and they would give me the attention I so desperately craved. One problem that arises with a man like this…..you can never tap dance fast enough. The rules are always changing, they don’t like your tap shoes, you’re making too much noise, you need to tap faster, slower, lowder, shhhhhh! You can’t win with this type of a man. And, forget about divorce. You are in for holy hell if you even think that you are going to leave them with anything but your underwear if your lucky. I have been financially ruined, emotionally beaten down, and even physically abused. Thank the Lord above that I went to get some help. I knew that I was the one common denominator and that was the only thing that I could fix. There was a post above this one that said to just take the “high road”. This is EXCELLENT advice. I did this and it works. They can’t fight a war when the enemy doesn’t show-up. It really tics them of that you don’t care enough to respond to the verbal pebbles they are pelting you with. You’ve changed! Why don’t you react to my abuse and accusations anymore? You’re not tap dancing like I thought you would!

December 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm
(40) neeceeb says:

I am in the process of leaving the man i loved for the past 17 yrs. I suspected this spring that something was different and he had disconnected. He is a NARCISSIST!! He does not like himself and goes above and beyond when someone pays attention to him. Well he coaches a softball team and one of the married mothers did just that. Gushing over him and paying extra attention to him. WOW he disconnected with me. I found out in Sept that they were indeed talking and meeting up. When I did, he immediately wanted to MAKE THINGS WORK. We went away and he professed his love for me. Something just wasnt right. He never had both feet in the door. A week ago his phone butt dialed mine and i sat and listened to their conversation for an hour..Confronted again..he has turned the tables on me..saying”we haven’t been getting along for along time” I have been away from his bs for a week now and though i am crying and in pain I am also relieved and want to move on. He will never change because he doesn’t think he has a problem (always me with the problem) I stopped engaging with him so as not to give him any fodder for their conversations..Get this she is married and also has a married lover.. so he is actually 3rd on the rung what goes around comes around..

December 27, 2012 at 9:02 pm
(41) Crista says:

Wow I’m not crazy! Thank you, thank you all for posting. Trying to get rid of him now and I feel it’s getting dangerous. Sleeping with a knife under my pillow (he has been living in my house and I asked him to leave).

It’s been 15 years of continuous bashing, degrading, crazy-making. He tells everyone the most convincing stories about how abusive I am! I have a great job yet I find myself making excuses about why I can’t travel for work, or go to a company gathering after work because he is so insecure!

The minute we are separated (it’s happened several times), he cries, or gets sick and needs help, whatever…

I want him to disappear from my life. I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. Please send me your prayers.

December 29, 2012 at 8:29 pm
(42) jaye says:

I am married 30 years, husband retired last year, he started to get mean and more verbally abusive, he gaslighted all our marriage, I just did research on this. His family does the same gaslighting. I kicked him out 11 days ago. He has not called, does not care. I am disabled, he would always say,”Your back has interfered with my life”. I finally could not stand the abuse anymore.
I am considering a divorce, seeing a shrink to help me through. My days are lonesome, but I pray that these lonely days too will pass. I need to stay strong, it is hard sometimes. I saw the light, but it took 30 years.

January 20, 2013 at 10:17 pm
(43) Help says:

im going crzy and feel so hopeless and helpless. My husband controls me with the money he goes to the point to not pay rent or my children school to keep me under his control. He gets worst when i start putting him on the spot and don’t hide anymore how he has treated me all this 18 years. At time i have thought of just giving up my life bcz i feel i don’t have a way out. He made me to stop working, have not worked for more than 10 years, i have an undergrad degree but im so afraid to go out bcz everytime i found a job i have to leave bcz he creates drama that makes me quit. Im so afraid, insecure, shame and don’t have the strength to keep going. Please help me to figure out a way bcz i don’t want to give up but Im so isolated, he made sure i was in a place where i could not get out so he can have control over me. PLZ HELP!!!! :’(

January 22, 2013 at 4:56 pm
(44) Just Me says:

I lived with a narcissist for 25 yrs. When I met him his parents had already sent him to a psychiatrist as they couldn’t manage him, and stupidly I thought I could! I tried everything going, it was always “poor him” he suffers with stress, he works so hard. He treated me like a doormat, withholding sex, dishing it out maybe four or five times a year as a special treat. The only time he fancied me was after he’d bullied me and made me cry. After 14 yrs of this I decided to end it, and found someone new. But with 3 children to look after he dealt with it by cutting off our finances and forcing us onto welfare. He then told everyone what a cheater I was and drove my lover away by threatening his job (he was a doc). He got himself a girlfriend and flaunted his ability to have sex with her, blaming me for the faults we’d had.
Seeing the kids suffer had its effect and without my lover there I stupidly I agreed to give him another try. Of course nothing changed. So I worked two jobs and studied law in the evenings as a distance learner in case I needed to fend for myself. When he realised I might actually succeed, he left me for another woman midway through my finals. We got divorced, and 2 yrs later, and as a lawyer I could manage alone. I met a lovely widower, moved 50 miles away remarried and took the kids with me. But if you think the story ends there think again!
3 yrs ago (7 yrs post divorce) my ex turned up “to be close to the kids”. He said he was full of remorse, wanted his family back, and offered to help the eldest two buy their own homes, buying one for himself just down the road from me. Now my eldest 2 kids have turned their backs on me. They tell my youngest daughter how thI let their dad down.
So my advice is this: if you get away from the narcissist STAY AWAY, and keep him away from your kids. Never weaken, never be fooled, and never ever let him back into your lives!

January 25, 2013 at 7:11 am
(45) Tracy says:

Unbelievable stories. I was with my ex for only 16 months and my life is living hell now. Over two months I split (we never lived together). But because I won’t talk to him for he needs closure (to which we did two months ago) he’s now treating to squirt acid at my face to remind him of the hurt I caused him. All I dud was give him my heart and soul. I wanted to marry him but as months went by, he got controlling and crazy, so i called us off. We always fought and i found it unhealthy. Since meeting him I now am on bipolar meds, anti depressants and coucilling. They are a nightmare and i regret meeting him. So much more to tell but I’m screwed pretty much. THE LIES THEY TELL OM/Goodness

February 3, 2013 at 2:07 pm
(46) Donna says:

Wow…this is more rampant than I thought. I have heard only 1% have this disorder, but that means millions! I can relate to every story here…married 10 years to a SN, together 14 years all together. My husband recently left me for one of his employees, and took my 18 year old step daughter with him, but not before he completely turned her against me, and became her hero. She accepts that he is a whore, and went along with other affairs he had behind my back. I guess the one he just left me for must have been my daughter’s favorite though, because she replaced me with her. My (step) daughter turned 18 in May of 2012, then graduated High School in June of 2012…by July, they were both planning to dump me for a woman. My husband was her boss the past 4 years. He cheated with another employee back in 2009. I found out about it, but tried to forgive and stay, because for some reason, I was still in Love with him. I didn’t realize it was brainwashing. I thought it was love. He manipulated me into believing he loved me too, but apparently he was telling other women he “loved” them too!!
I have never had my life destroyed this badly in . I am 54 years old, and feel I want nothing to do with a relationship ever again. I am in the process of divorcing this monster, and hope once I do, he will leave me alone. Yes, he still tortures and harasses me every chance he finds. I wish I could say I did not feed off of or take his bait all these years, but I did. The past 6 months since he has left have ever so slowly gotten a bit easier. I do believe his monster will come knocking on his new live in girl friend’s door eventually. She may be less boring than me, but if she out shines him, that will be a problem too I suspect. Fact is, she is doomed to fail at this fake relationship, just as I did.

February 6, 2013 at 2:15 pm
(47) Daniel says:

Wow, I am so grateful that I met a life coach. I am currently going through a divorce and had no idea the type of person I was married to. From the very first time i met her I have tried everything to understand this woman and the things she do but nothing has worked. She has never responded positively to anything i do for her or with her. Until my life coach recently I thought I was insane but she explained who I was dealing with and that things will never get better. It is a scary thing to be married to someone with this disorder, I have been so stressed from the lack of understanding and feeling of failure that I have thought about taking my own life but now I know that people like these can not be loved or reciprocate love. Should have known this sooner.

March 17, 2013 at 11:33 am
(48) HOw to be a model says:

When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thanks!|

March 31, 2013 at 9:26 pm
(49) Rae says:

Response: Brian (17)
Look Brian. Yes, my husband is a narcissist- never knew the name of it, but he is defiantly the definition. Yes, you can get your child away from her. What you need is start going to counseling, for yourself, and start a trail of paper and how ‘sane’ you are. Then start talking about her crazy ass. File for divorce in court, pro se, don’t get an attorney because narcissist spouses’ try and use up all your money waisting time. File everything yourself, wait until trail and then hire an attorney. Only have the attorney defend you the day of trail $700 bucks….that’s my best answer! I’ll be praying.

May 18, 2013 at 9:10 am
(50) Maria says:

I was married to a narcisst for 23 years Ihe was with God so his mask was God …I calledy the police on hom several times fled a lot…I had 5 children got called an ugly woman told I was demon possesd.He said he would destroy me put the house in his name shared ownership…not good for me.The children were convinced by him I was mad had to write letters to the judge under pressure to get the occupation order I had on him overturned.Which the judge did ..that day my parents told me u can’t live there anymore ..worried for me .I left no kids no home in the end I found a rented studio ..with no job it was awful.I learnt how people live on nothing ex took 5.00 a week maintenance and isolated me from the children no one wanted me (these were teenagers).meanwhile ex was praying for people and with God.I went through hell the children were fleeing him slowly living alone in a room like me. But of course ex held on to his pawn the youngest at 14 so he manipulated him as a pawn to keep the house.I have during that time seen my son in hospital smashed spleen no calls to me for 6 hrs .My sons with me now and had a major lung operation he said dads mask has slipped he’s thriving and 17.Its been 2 years not a penny more games and control with my youngest the qualified ex wants maintenance for the youngest I never claimed a penny for 17 year old.Hes a narcisst with god? He wants to destroy me if he takes my rented home he will still he has it all and no one sees what he is.This man believes he’s with God ..I lived with alcoholics drug takers they showed me more kindness and love during my hell than he ever did.
Examples take a tablet and die,ugly woman,witch ,your evil,hope your angina kills you ,hurting me ,telling me how to dress,throwing things at me .
I’m on my feet now with a job and future course he hates it that’s why he wants maintenance control ..I still fear him if he could he would destroy me I have no doubt.

May 20, 2013 at 11:49 pm
(51) Loo says:

Finally I feel I am not alone after reading this website. I am about to phone my lawyer as my ex husband refuses to settle our divorce. My children are being turned against me, and I do feel as if I am going mad. I have not had one cent since I left over 5 years ago, and am still living with my parents, and my teenage children are here as well. I left with a suitcase of clothes, 3 kids and a dog. It seems this is all I will ever get. Except for a hefty lawyers fee. Damn, I wish I had left many many years ago.
Oh well, there are more people out there obviously who have been through the same thing. So, I am off to make yet another call….more signed contracts. Good luck to you all out there who are struggling along like me.

May 22, 2013 at 10:07 am
(52) Andrea says:

Humans are selfish, some comments I see on here anger me as a woman.
I am divorced… I gave him every assets (401, truck, house)
took my person stuff and $1000 a month for only 3.5 years and left.
he was abusive… best thing to do is just leave and take your of yourself. be independent!

woman need to stop thinking a man is going to take care of you…
Kids I undertand the need for support…

But me, a woman, knows for a fact that even child support goes to an ex the she gets her hair done, new cloths every month, etc.
(and these fathers have partial custody)

Men need a break!

June 6, 2013 at 12:39 pm
(53) Shoegal1234 says:

I really thought that I was all alone in dealing with this type of behavior, but after reading all the comments, I know now I am not. I have been married for 24 years and it is time to end my marriage. I have been through so much I don’t even know where to begin. The one thing I do know is that I am so tired of hearing how everything is alway my fault. Even when it is his fault he will justify his behavior and throw it back at me. This was a very hard decision because I love him so much but I love ME more. The good thing about all of this is that we really don’t have any assets to split because we never bought a house together and don’t have any money. We always rented, and right now we live with his mother (yes, I know not a good look), because he is just not good with money which I chose to ignore and alway just took care of everything even when I couldn’t (you know robbing Peter to pay Paul). Our children are now grown so there will be no child support or custody issues either. One day he is the sweetest man, the next a total control freak tyrrant I am walking on egg shells with to keep the peace! He is verbally and emotionally abusive but as always his behavior is because of something I said or did (typical). I hope that our divorce will not be nasty as I just want to move on with my life. Pray for me everyone, I will need it!

June 21, 2013 at 11:37 am
(54) SCARED says:

I really enjoy reading everyone’s stories it makes me feel that I am not alone. I wasn’t for sure if my husband was a narcississt until I started to research it. He has always been an alcoholic and had ADHD, he used to be verbally abusive and physically abusive, but he claims since he left no bruises he never hurt me. I believed that, I still kinda believe it in a way cause I would occasionally fight back and yell and throw things. I have been married for over 12years and at this point there is no turning back. I was planning on going to college in fall and have always stayed home with our children doing childcare. He is going to refuse me any alimony and said he is going to fight for full custody.

June 21, 2013 at 11:38 am
(55) SCARED says:

He seems fine when he is with kids and I dont fear he would hurt them in any way, but the kids are all I got. I know wants I start school I can try and get a part time job and I will survive, I have many friends and family that are willing to help. He is dwelling on that since I quit my daycare job month earlier then normal he shouldnt have to pay me anything. I had to quit cause he took the care left me and kids stranded with no money and tells me I dont need it cause I am staying home now, not working and he has be believing the few things I did to protect myself is abusive. I am scared not knowing what will go on and I have no money, I gave the attorney which isnt very good the last of my credit card money and me and the kids have 500 to our name. I did find us a low income apartment that isnt bad I am going to try an move out and not let him know where we are. He still has the other set of car keys cause I had to still the car back when he was at work, he has a work truck and the attorney said I couldnt get our car back for several weekes unless I went and did it myself. So i did. And I put a club on it so he can’t take it tell we got to court. He tried breakign into house Saturday night but I changed all locks called the police but was scared to tell them it was my ex in fear he would try and do other things, so I lied. T

June 21, 2013 at 11:39 am
(56) SCARED says:

he law has never been to kind to me so I refuse to call them, it seems like thas few times I tried to call them they would say it was domestic and they couldnt get involved or one time they brought us both in and my kids were with family after I called them.I am uneasy about the law and scared to loose my children. I am sure it will all work out but teh not knowing is hard. I still try to keep visitation as is even though he could take off with them. He ahs done it in the past and I put nothing past him, he has cheated repeadtedlt and I use to blame myself and now I know he is somewhat sick.. I feel liek a fool to have stayed as long as I did, I thought as he grew older he would change. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN I just want out and all I want is enough money to pay for my low income housing. We are moving from a big beautiful home with in gorund swimming pool to just get away and try and be happy again. I feel I have become a very jaded person and fear I may not recover or become a very happy adult. Hopefuly school will give life meaning and my children bring me more joy then anything. I love them with all my heart and do not want to keep them from their father, yes choosing him was my bad decision not theirs. Thank you again for your stories I really enjoy reading them when I feel down and see hope for the future.

June 21, 2013 at 11:51 am
(57) SCARED says:

ANDREA,
I also want to say I get your point we expect men to take care of us and that is why we fear of leaving we stay in these relationships hopeing things will get better, we do need to be more independent and show our daughters what it takes. I wish I would have been a stronger women when I was younger and not let myself get into this situation but knowledge is power and some of us did not grow up with strong families we only know what we were taught. And honestly if you cant see staying in a abusive reltaionship for 12 years deserves some kind of compensation your lieing to yourself, cause money can help me and my children survive but the emotional damage will never be fixed. Do they have something that I can get in court that fixes that, yes it was my decision and yes I will take the bad stuff I have been doing it for 12years so most of us are alrady prepared after leaving a narcississt that life is never easy adn you have to struggle to get up, get out, and make it through.

June 28, 2013 at 2:21 pm
(58) Gia says:

5 years ago I almost married a narcissist..I began to see things I did not like, when I questioned him about these things he became verbally abusive.. I called the marriage off and moved on with him constantly trying to get me to come back to him..He threw many fits when he was told no..I am now married to another man that is very good to me..the problem is that the narcissist is constantly threatening us..He follows me from site to site on the internet, even using false names to try and friend me..He even set up a page on Facebook stating that him and I were married and had 3 children..He is pshycotic, insane..He will not stop…He is afraid of going to jail, so I played on that about a year ago and he did stop for 6 months..But came right back..He is a bother, but at least-he does not know where we live and does not have our phone numbers..

July 1, 2013 at 2:51 pm
(59) Sheila says:

I’ve been with a narcissist for 21 years. I was stalked the entire time by members of his family. This has made it nearly impossible to hold a job.

He was diagnosed with NPD in October. He said he was going to therapy but I confronted him when I didn’t see any bills from his shrink in the mail. He eventually admitted that he pretended to be in therapy.

For over five years, he’s been promising me a divorce. Everytime I go to file, something happens that puts it off. He’ll lose his job, sue the local government, want to have an elective surgery, and find other excuses to beg me to stay.

I recently learned he gutted our retirement accounts. I’m hurt.

Last month, I enrolled in a job training program and filed for divorce. The very next day, he took both cars. Neither I nor my four children have transportation. This is making the job search impossible. The stalking is worse, I’ll catch his relatives trying to break into the house. It’s happened twice in the past month.

The cops tell he’s asking his family to stalk me but I have no proof. He always denies it. Now, someone is making complaints to the city code enforcement division about branches in my backyard. I can’t imagine anyone else doing that…except him. I think this is his way of getting me to drop the divorce.

He expects to live here with me through the process. I don’t see how this is going to work. I can’t handle the blame storms and the rage attacks. He’s screaming at me to get a job but won’t return the vehicles. I am at my wits end.

To anyone who has escaped, you must have gone through heck and back but at least you prove to people like me that it can be done.

July 4, 2013 at 6:38 pm
(60) steven says:

I believe I am somewhat of a narcissist, and was in an abusive relationship, it went both ways. But for the past 6 years my wife was very ill and though I did try to help at times I believe I did more harm than good by calling her names and being mean to her instead of driving her to her doctors appointments always, though I did sometimes. Anyway, she now recently passed away, I think her spirit was broken finally and now here I am having to accept and deal with the part I played in all this. For any of you husbands out there who are engaging in abusive behavior, I can tell you that one day there may be a reckoning that could leave you wondering whether and how you can go on living yourself.

July 4, 2013 at 6:46 pm
(61) steven says:

I believe I am somewhat of a narcissist, and was in an abusive relationship, it went both ways. But for the past 6 years my wife was very ill and though I did try to help at times I believe I did more harm than good by calling her names and being mean to her instead of driving her to her doctors appointments always, though I did sometimes. Anyway, she overdosed and passed away, I think her spirit was broken finally and now here I am having to accept and deal with the part I played in all this. Can you even begin to imagine the guilt I have to feel? What part in this tragedy did I play and there is no way I can change or correct of my bad behavior. Trust me, you do not want this sort of thing hanging over your head, make it right while you can, even if that means walking away and letting your spouse have their peace.
Instead of being the loving husband i could of been I became a mean, selfish jerk concerned about my own needs. Sometimes I could tell what was happening but I believe after being together for 20 years the behaviors were pretty well instilled upon both of us. For any of you husbands out there who are engaging in abusive behavior, I can tell you that one day there may be a reckoning that could leave you wondering whether and how you can go on living with yourself.

July 8, 2013 at 8:58 pm
(62) Gretta says:

I have been married to a narcissist for over 22 years, I have finally found the courage to divorce my husband. I know the road ahead will be a hard one but in the end I will have peace and quiet. Next week I have to go to court and deal with his child like attitude, he has hired a female lawyer to represent him during the divorce. Tonight as I get ready to go to sleep I worry about what will happen in court, he comes from a big Greek family where men are still in control and women just have to take whatever is dealt to them. I have moved out of my beautiful home and now living in a one room apt…..just to be able to escape his verbal and emotional abuse is worth walking away from my home. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but anything is better than living with a narcissist.

July 12, 2013 at 12:19 pm
(63) Tara says:

I am going through a divorce from an extreme narcissist right now and it is a complete nightmare. I hired an aggressive competent attorney. I don’t care how much he will cost. My advise is do not try to attempt getting a divorce without an attorney. My soon to be ex husband had me Baker Acted here in Florida (brought in handcuffs to a mental institution) but psychiatrist said I was manipulated and lifted the Baker Act right away. I know one thing, I will come out much stronger than ever and he will be a lonely man. A man who gave up his family for his selfish needs to cheat. But still blamed the wife for his actions. I have been married over 20 years and I can finally breath again.

July 21, 2013 at 4:20 pm
(64) mary says:

My narcissist of a hubby starting working overseas 6 years ago. Came home from one trip 20 months ago said he didnt (completely out of the blue) want to be here anymore and packed up 25years in 40 mins. We have never seen him since. Since found hes moved to thailand with his mistress, built a big house. We have 22 year disabled daughter. He wont and hasnt paid a penny maintainence and wont (iv been a housewife for ten years tending to our girl). he wont pay off a break payment he promised and we cannot pursue him cos hes too spineless to come back to uk and we cannot enforce a court order over their. Dont know where he lives other than he lives in luxury but yet wont pay our rent even. Earns a great salary but not a penny to us. Doesnt bother with his only child. He has abused me for years but he always hid his “real” self in company. Ive been hit, kicked, spat at etc etc but oh my you wouldnt believe what he is saying. She told me I was fat (i didnt because he quite simply isnt). I had no confidence through her. I was the one who told him how more capable he was giving himself credit for hence him retraining and getting a great job abroad and picking up women along the way obviously!! No confidence eh. the thing is hes such a good “victim” some people actually believe him!! He is seriously out of order not showing us the respect to end, my daughter and I deserve, financially and otherwise but he is way to much of a coward to man up and take responsibility for his own actions. Always someone else to blame with him. Any suggestions people please?

July 23, 2013 at 2:11 pm
(65) mary says:

Hi Sarah. I am happy that your situation worked out well for you in the end. Mine will not have that kind of ending because I simply do not want him back. I have a wonderful new man. Incredibly luckily for me I met him within weeks of deciding I wouldnt take my husband back. Good luck for your future. I hope it is all you want it to be.

August 8, 2013 at 3:29 pm
(66) Lynn says:

.

Here’s my narcissist I’m trying to leave.
Now, he has another job, missing time, again with injuries and bad nerves etc. We are on the verge of being evicted. He cries, says he’s worthless and blah blah blah. Yes he has anger issues, but cries more than anything and has his family attacking me because I refuse to stand by him anymore. I know he’s a narcissist, because he thinks only of himself, makes me look bad and does not care of the repercussions of refusing to go to work.
I now realize, the pregnancies were to control me, so no one else would want me and had me at no self worth, my mom always was the popular 1 while I was the 1 put down at her expense. Like my mom, he has that poor me complex and it’s always my fault because I’m suppose to love him no matter what. I have hate.

August 9, 2013 at 1:14 am
(67) Cathy Meyer says:

Lynn, your husband doesn’t sound like a narcissist. He sounds like a depressed person to me who needs help. A narcissist would NEVER cry, would never admit to “bad nerves.” A narcissist has to maintain a superior attitude. Your husband sounds like he is drowning in depression,anxiety and low self-esteem. And, it isn’t unusual for someone suffering from depression to have anger issues.

I think he does care about the repercussions of not being able to go to work. If he didn’t care why would he cry and call himself worthless?

When you married him you did vow to love him “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health” so it is understandable the he expects you to love him no matter what.

Do you work? Are you able to help provide for the family? Have you ever suggested he talk to his doctor about his “bad nerves” and low self-esteem? What exactly have you done that can be considered “standing by” him?

August 28, 2013 at 7:06 pm
(68) shelley says:

Married 16 years. After finding out about his second affair and finding out he’s been exchanging pictures online with random women, I kicked him out. He doesn’t see that he did anything wrong. He only sees that I kicked him out to live on the streets like a dog. He is telling everyone I kicked him out to live on the street like a dog yet forgets to tell them what he did to me. He did get an apartment right away but because I refused to settle between us without lawyers, he moved out, sold his two cars, quit his great job, and left the country to live with his uncle in the USA and work on a farm. Now I’m left here with four little kids picking up all the pieces.

October 1, 2013 at 6:10 pm
(69) Momma Me says:

Hi Everyone. I have a dear friend who has been married to a narcissist attorney who has always felt like he was smarter than everyone. Here’s the problem, he tried to bully my friend into signing a settlement statement which as you can imagine was not in her favor whatsoever. She wants to hire an attorney, but is concerned her high earning husband has taken in a lot of cash in his business, and claims a meager salary. Attorney has said they will hire a forensic accountant to help zero in on correct income. Concern is will this higher salary not have to be reported to IRS for tax reasons? Thanks for response. Friend is concerned she will go jail for tax evasion since she signed returns. She has been emotionally, verbally and physically abused for 22 years.

November 25, 2013 at 4:50 pm
(70) Survivor says:

I finally wised up and divorced an insecure abusive loser that needed to control me in order to feel good. Unfortunately we have a toddler and I actually finally “woke” up becuase he started playing his games on my newborn son.

Now however I have to give him access to the baby (he does not care about the child at all just the fact that he can control me through the baby) How do you cope?

My lawyer says that I react emotionally but I dont know what else to do how not to react.

Pls help.

Cash

December 5, 2013 at 6:11 am
(71) Agatha O. McWilliams says:

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December 17, 2013 at 7:21 am
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January 22, 2014 at 3:07 pm
(73) Mitzy says:

One more thing that has me frightened. All he wanted (for the court anyway) was a cell phone (on my account), about five guns (very telling) and money. He forfieted everything else, besides what I kept telling him he could have ie books, shelves, bed frame, tv etc. He sleeps in a cot surrounded by military memrabilia (his glory days, where he could hide being single through the military guard playing soldier). He took little else, but I made a point to return all personal possessions and then some.

I worry about giving him the guns. With those and a bit of money under his belt (his control weapons) I fear the outcome, as he is violent if he isn’t able to bully me into submission of everything to him, (ie where I go, what I do and whom with)

Apparently the courts don’t see RED FLAGS either. Worried..

February 3, 2014 at 1:05 pm
(74) Mitzy says:

why are my most recent posts disappearing

February 3, 2014 at 1:21 pm
(75) divorcesupport says:

Mitzy, your comments have been removed because they don’t related to the article. You need a message forum if you wish to discuss the issues in your marriage. This space of for leaving a comment related to the article, not about an ongoing sharing of personal issues.

Yahoo has a great support forum for people like you who are dealing with ongoing issues while in a relationship with a narcissist. If you post there, you will get feedback and support. I’m pasting the link below for you.

I hope you will consider checking the site out. You need to be posting somewhere so other can respond to you and offer you the support and advice you need. Thanks!

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

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