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Cathy Meyer

Child Custody: There Is No Gender Bias During Custody Decisions

By December 28, 2011

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I hear a lot about how the courts are biased in favor of mothers when it comes to deciding child custody. After doing a bit of research on the subject I've come to the conclusion that the courts are not the reason mothers get custody in the majority of divorces.

Below are a few stats from a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) released in June of 2011.

Married Fathers:

A married father spends, on average 6.5 hours a week taking part in primary child care activities with his children. The married mother spends, on average 12.9 hours. †Since two income households are now the norm, not the exception the above information indicates that not only are mothers working they are also doing twice as much child care as fathers.

It only makes sense that mothers who have a closer bond due to the time spent caring for a child be the one more likely to obtain custody during a divorce.

Divorced or Unwed Fathers:

More startling are the stats on absent fathers, or the amount of time fathers spend with children once the divorce is final. According to the Pew Research study, when fathers and children live separately 22% of fathers see their children more than once a week. Twenty nine percent of fathers see their children 1-4 times a month. The most disturbing though, 27% of fathers have no contact with their children.

When you take into consideration that mothers spend more time taking care of children before divorce and only 22% of fathers take advantage of spending what I would consider quality and qauntative time with their children after the divorce the fact that more mothers obtain custody seems reasonable...doesn't it?

How Custody is Decided:

According to DivorcePeers.com the majority of child custody cases are not decided by the courts. †In 51% of the cases both parents agreed that mom be the custodial parent. In 29% of the cases the decision was made without any third party involvement. Only 11% of custody cases were decided during mediation with as few as 5% being decided after court order custody evaluations.

In cases where both parents decided, without involvement from a mediator or the court 83% of the time the mother ended up with custody because the father chose to give her custody. What do these statistics tell us?

1. Fathers are less involved in their children's care during the marriage.

2. Fathers are less involved in their children's lives after divorce.

3. Mothers gain custody because the vast majority of fathers choose to give the mother custody.

4. There is no Family Court bias in favor of mothers for the majority of fathers who divorce.

Comments
January 2, 2012 at 8:37 am
(1) GingerM says:

Cathy,

This is one of the best summaries of the facts about custody I’ve ever read. Thanks for being succinct, accurate, and comprehensive. There is so much emotion in a custody dispute and the facts might ameliorate the negativity and help care-giving parents make their strongest stand.

January 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm
(2) Rich Rodriguez says:

The family court in Hayward, CA gave my ex physical custody. My joint legal custody was … well, pretty much useless. Did the family court give me a chance to ask for physical custody? Nope.

Nationwide stats are one thing, individual divorces are … well, individual. My ex wife took my son with no discussion, kept him from bringing his homework with me, and was as obstreperous as possible about the bi-weekly weekends. She took him to Florida during my custodial weekend. He was the classic divorce football. There are a lot more negative anecdotes I could spin.

He’s now 19. He and I get along great. I’m not sure he’ll outgrow the family style he’s learned from his mother, but I’m hoping to begin with some nutritional education. (He’s overweight from too much McFood and living on snacks instead of meals.)

Lastly, without trying to be too smarmy or snarky, I recall that Samuel Clemens had a quote about statistics: There are lies, damned lies and then there are statistics.

In spite of not agreeing with this piece, I think you have a great site and you do something useful for many folks, even me. I was a new member just before you took over. I like your style and the content, even if I disagree occasionally. … Be well!!!

January 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm
(3) Carl says:

There is no disputing the facts of numbered research. Fathers love their children and all the little things are taken away in one custody order. When dads come home from work, and the little things like sitting and reading to the children means a lot. 1 hour per night totals 7 hours on its own. The Weekend ball games, hockey games and watching football on TV the Cub Scouts, working on the pinewood derby cars together for weeks at a time do not matter. Teaching them how to catch and Riding bikes and hiking I guess those activities do not matter after a divorce. Who were this fathers survived, a lot of father can be beaten down by the court system, and surrender. The only ones who are hurt by this are the children. I read an article by Cathy Meyer stating try to keep the children activities as normal as possible. But when dad takes them to the parade on thanksgiving and now he canít because it is not his visitation time and there is no compromise. That is an issue. Iíve seen great dads denied these simple activities. As a fill-in they will take another womanís children a do this things not sure if he is in love with that woman but he loves being a dad and watching children grow. Men need their children also, and we do hurt. But we are now allowed to show it.

January 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm
(4) Toni Parker says:

Ex- manipulates teenage girl wih using his car, allowing her to get tattoos and belly-button pierce. He’s pimping his own daughter and she thinks it’s ok. What do you think the NC family court will do? Give him custody or do they care. Ex didn’t teach 23 year old son how to use birth control and now he’s a father of three with no real job skills and lives off the government. What can this man teach a girl child?

January 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm
(5) James says:

93% of the mothers commit custodial interference. I agree with Rich and Carl.

Lastly, without trying to be too smarmy or snarky, I recall that Samuel Clemens had a quote about statistics: There are lies, damned lies and then there are statistics. great quote Rich

January 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm
(6) James says:

Wow Toni he sounds like an _____hole.

It is amazing though generalization is used more in the courts then any thinking. Also if you ever been in those moderation the court goes against the father more likely.

January 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm
(7) James says:

The most disturbing though, 27% of fathers have no contact with their children. Is that the father’s choice? Or the mothers using the kids as pawns. My ex-wife did it for 6 months before I had the courts intervene.

January 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm
(8) George Gervin says:

There is a HUGE gender bias in family court. What your statistics fail to mention above is that the family court system gets conditioned by seeing so many fathers which don’t take full advantage of their custody that often times fathers who really do take full advantage of their custody will get lumped in with those uninvolved dads. What your statistics say above is that 1 out of 4 fathers are involved with their kids. How would you like to be that one father out of four? When that father walks into family court, there were three other fathers who were uninvolved. That one involved father has a HUGE stereotype to defeat. The family court system is often overcrowded and trying to process several cases. It is all too easy for family court services and judges to just go with the stereotype and rubber stamp a ruling which is HUGELY unfair to that one involved father. Now mix into this equation a skillful lawyer and a very financially motivated or scorned ex wife (more custody equals more financial support) and you will find that that one involved father really has the deck stacked against him. You couldn’t be more wrong. Family Court has a HUGE gender bias. The statastics don’t tell the whole story. In fact they only help make that uphill battle for fairness even harder for that one involved father.

January 2, 2012 at 10:35 pm
(9) Carl says:

Toni
Imagine if your ex was a loving father who teaches his children right from wrong bought your daughter a car so that she could go to college that he had paid in full. And now imagine the difference if that father was denied simple visitation with his children when they were 8, 9 or 10 years old. Now imagine how that would affect him. Not knowing what his children likes and dislikes all he can do is do what they ask.

January 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm
(10) Samson says:

Huge Bias – You Bet! Just talk to a divorce atty. Mine basically said unless you can prove your children are in imminent harm there is no sense in fighting for primary custody. A psych examination will cost at least $30,000 and even if she is not good mentally you really need to show the potential for harm.

During my marriage I cleaned, cooked, and shopped even after working 50+ hours a week while my x did nothing. No one cares. It is a process and as a man the divorce system expects the least of you. Maybe they can’t examine each individual case, but they should. Frankly a lot of men who have children suck as fathers so I can see where the system has a bias, but no different than the workplace, military, etc. men should be given a fair chance if they are capable. The world has changed a lot in the last 30 years. Because I didn’t give birth is still not enough reason to almost always give primary custody to the woman.

January 9, 2012 at 1:37 am
(11) E. says:

All men are not created equal. I was highly involved in my children’s lives because my ex wanted to build her business. She did and decided to leave. In my experience, the judge (female) had the audacity to tell me, ďYou can pick-up the children at 1 p.m. instead of 9 a.m., so you can get more sleep.Ē Mind you, Iíve worked graveyard for years, have an impeccable work record and was the one primarily bounding out of bed at night (on days off) to meet my daughterís needs. Then the judge (female) decided to overturn a previous judgeís (male) decision and say, ďYou canít have day Ďxí because there is this outstanding CPS issue, which I filed against my ex.Ē Later when the matter was resolved, I was still denied the time with my daughters. Now my ex prefers to call a babysitter rather than me.
There are fathers who will go through hell and back for their children, and when those of us are faced with bias, we can do nothing, like women who hit the glass ceiling in the workplace. So, what did I do to cope? Iím pursuing an advanced degree with the time I would have gladly given to my daughters. Iím just waiting for the time they can decide for themselves where they want to spend some more time and the court will listen. Until then, I take every opportunity to lay the foundation for our better future when I can resume what has been unfairly taken away.

January 13, 2012 at 12:07 am
(12) Travis says:

I was horrified when I read this article… Every guy on this post states what every loving, caring father faces due to these statistics and the unfair judgements that we face due to them.

George specifically calls into question the stats vs. fathers. The uphill battle that men face from the start, no matter how much they love, care or support their children doesn’t matter because the other “75%” of men statistically don’t give a damn.

I began searching for legal council before my son was born because I knew that she was going to fight me for every minute of time that I could spend with him. “I” filed the first petition for full custody and expanded on many reasons that I was a more stable parent for my son; psychological, financial, secure, etc. Yet because I was “unwed” and male, I was deemed less of a parent. You can’t tell me that a psychologically unstable, unemployed woman living in her mother’s basement is more capable than a corporate manager and professional with his own home.

I constantly fight against her assertions that “other people in these situations”… blah Men are always compared and categorized into the “normal” parenting time which unfortunately means we must accept the standard judgements of fathers less involved.

I love my son and would do anything for him. I also understand that his mother loves him and don’t want to disrupt his development by removing her from his life. Comparing parent to parent however, there should be no question.

Yet… because we are male, we lose.

(study the statistics of fathers that receive primary custody and why, that would be much more interesting and beneficial social study. Very few men receive full custody compared to women. I’m sure you will find that 90% of these instances are because the mothers are removed in some method. This would prove that courts are truly biased!)

April 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm
(13) Jen says:

I am a woman and I know that these statisics are not accurrate. It’s just another attempt at the nonsense that women are better equipped to raisr children. There are far too many men kept out of their children’s lives by our corrupt judicial system. Many men hust don’t believe they have a chance due to their gender. It’s sad and a way for local governments to make money off of broken families.

September 24, 2012 at 11:54 am
(14) Clinton says:

WOW! This is one on the least informed and most biased reports on child custody I have ever read. A Mother spends more time doing childcare than a Father so the Mother should get custody. Period. By that logic a Mother that beats her child is a better parent than a Father so long as she spends more time beating the child than Dad does caring for the child.

Time spent does not equal a “closer bond”. A Mother who plops her child in front of a TV or Nintendo for the entire day does not create a stronger bond than a Father who spends the day with the child at the park or doing craft projects (don’t smirk, Fathers glue popsicle sticks too).

This is simply another case of a woman making a predetermined decision that Mothers are better parents, and Fathers are just sperm doners with check books. Don’t get my wrong, Fathers are not all saints. Judges and Magistrates simply need to look at both parents, be gender blind and examine the entire situation. Whichever parent is truely in the best in terest of the child should be the custodial/residential parent.

September 24, 2012 at 12:29 pm
(15) Clinton says:

As to Fathers “giving custody” to the Mother. That is a total misrepresentation of the facts. For those of you out there who have never been through this, here’s how a custody hearing usually goes…

Both parties are heard on the stand and give about the same story “I am a super parent, the other is terrible”. Character witnesses may be called and in rare instances experts may testify.

After that the Judge will go make their decision while the parties and their lawyers go to the courts waiting area. At this point the lawyers start in on their clients…”look if the Judge rules in your wife’s favor and there is no agreement in place then the State’s standard visitation plan is all you’ll get”.

At this point the vast majority of Fathers will settle for getting slightly more visitation rather than face the fact that the Mother wins the majority of the time.

This does NOT constitute a Father “giving up custody”.

September 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm
(16) Cathy Meyer says:

How is it a misrepresentation Clinton? The statistics state that mothers gain custody 80% of the time due to a mutual agreement, without third party involvement. If fathers are agreeing to mother retaining custody before a lawyer or judge becomes involved in their case then that is evidence that the majority of fathers are NOT seeking custody of their children.

Only 5% of custody is decided by the court. In other words a very small percentage of men are making the choice to seek custody of their children via the family court system.

The majority of that 5% that does go to court may settle. I have no statistics regarding the outcome in those situations. BUT you can’t argue that the blog post is a misrepresentation of what happens in custody decisions if your argument only pertains to the 5% who end up in the family court system.

This is a post about how all custody is decided, not just the 5% who seek custody via the court. Since it is, the statistics sited prove that in the majority of cases fathers give up custody willingly.

October 14, 2012 at 11:11 pm
(17) jAMIE says:

Cathy,
Instead of relying on others’ research and statistics, why don’t you invest some of your time visiting family courts? Child protective services removed my three sons from their mother twice because of the dangerous conditions they lived in with her. When my youngest son was 7 years old, he was back in diapers because he couldn’t control his bowels. His doctors all diagnosed him with situational stress. My ex-wife pointed to her gall bladder scar and told our kids I stabbed her years ago and left her for dead. Oh and she also filed a totally false domestic violence protection order against me, then in court admitted to te judge she totally fabricated the accusations to keep me from fighting for custody. That very judge was pissed off and literally kept asking her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to dismiss theorder. That judge literally tried to get my ex-wife, after admitting she totally fabricated the accusations, to still seek the order. Unfortunately here in North Carolina when there is a custody dispute we are assigned a single judge to handle every hearing. I’ve been before this judge with a field agent present in court and a letter from a field agent in another county urging the judge to allow my children to live with me so their mother could seek mental health treatment. Instead, that very same judge became loud, angry and defensive and accused me of being in violation of the custody order when the truth is social services had removed the children from their mom. Oh I almost forgot, my ex wife also literally forced her way into my home and tried to pry my youngest son from my arms, causing him to pull away from her. He hit his head on the wall in the process. There are numerous other incidents that I have police and child protective services reports as proof. This very same judge heard every case when I filed for custody, yet she sent them back with their mom EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now try doing some careful research and get back to us.

October 14, 2012 at 11:32 pm
(18) Jamie says:

Oh, by the way, I’m a university honor grad, a legal professional, ocassionally work in investigations and live in an upscale neighborhood with my wife. I have a completely clean and safe home and lifestyle. Just so you know before you assume anything.

October 14, 2012 at 11:43 pm
(19) Jamie says:

Last few things, No I never stabbed, harmed or assaulted her ever.

October 15, 2012 at 12:29 am
(20) Jamie says:

My other post didn’t make it on here, so I wanted to clarify that I am a university honor graduate, police officer, have been lead investigator in financial crimes and identity theft. I’m no fool. I live in an upscale neighborhood and am now married to a registered nurse who also has her own television segment on how to sop smart. My ex, my kids’ mother, has committed bigamy three times, stole money from numerous employers, moves approximately every two months and frequently has to buy one fast food meal and split it among herself and the kids. BUT……like these good dads who posted above, none of that matters. It boils down to being profiled in with deadbeats and also the matriarcle and poetic view of motherhood. Instead of motherhood being viewed as a partnership with fatherhood, it’s used all too often to further political agendas of judges who disgustingly use “Family Values and Children’s Best Interests” as a public platform to gain popular votes. But if media were allowed in family court, those lofty slogans and promises would be proven to be insincere. I speak from literally years of experience. As a law enforcement officer, I see people charged with and even convicted of crimes treated with exceedingly more dignity that a stand alone pro se non-custodial father who is trying to salvage his relationship with his kids.

October 22, 2012 at 10:02 pm
(21) Jamie says:

“How is it a misrepresentation Clinton?

The statistics state that mothers gain custody 80% of the time due to a mutual agreement, without third party involvement. If fathers are agreeing to mother retaining custody before a lawyer or judge becomes involved in their case then that is evidence that the majority of fathers are NOT seeking custody of their children”

Because a lot of fathers, especially where I live, can’t afford the fees involved to retain an attorny. They end up going to court with minimal to no knowledge of family law or court procedure. And many are like me, have an over bearing, bullying judge who will gladly crucify a pro se nonn custodial father because it shuts him up, speeds up the process and makes the judges day easier.

October 23, 2012 at 11:44 am
(22) Cathy Meyer says:

Jamie, are mothers where you live more able to afford divorce attorneys? Women, on the norm earn less than their husbands. Most women are stay-at-home mothers who have no income of their own.

Women are no more likely to have the money for a divorce attorney than men, in your area of any other area. They also have little or not knowledge of family law or court procedure.

Men are not voluntarily giving over custody BEFORE attorneys and judges are involved because they have more money or more knowledge of how the system works. That argument doesn’t hold water.

October 24, 2012 at 2:00 am
(23) Jamie says:

Cathy,

Once again you don’t speak truth. My ex wife was afforded court appointed defense, yet I’m stuck with a $2000 retainer every time she decides to violate the order. She refuses to work, and lives off of my chils support. Even worse, child protective services of two seperate counties removed the kids from her custody over severe neglect. Guess what. Citing no findings of fact, the judge angrily shut down our testimony and was very rude. She placed the kids back with their mother, much to the dismay of child protective services and me. She has a bad reputation for this in this district. How do you explain 87% of custody goes to mothers and in my area 90% goes to mothers. You, my friend, are sadly mistaken and have blinders on. Once again, do a little research.

October 27, 2012 at 1:24 am
(24) Jamie says:

I have also seen it mentioned on other posts and even in court transcripts where the custody award was partially based on the amount of time the mother spends taking care of the kids. What these posts don’t give due consideration is the rate at which the custody orders are violated by mothers intentionally keeping the kids from their father by filing domestic violence protective orders. In my area, and I can say I have seen it myself in my profession, the court rubber stamps many of them daily. But it’s not only the rulings that are a problem in my district, it’s also how certain judges treat the fathers in court. Hateful, rude and presumptious. AND in the child support enforcement office, there is a sign scolding deadbeat dad’s, but no sign scolding deadbeat moms. It’s so very clear. But for the courts to fix this means they would have to admit to decades of wrongdoing. Think they will willingly do that? Hell no they won’t. Not on their own anyway.

December 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm
(25) evan says:

nice stats. so we can just presume this at the start of every divorce and then make it so and wonder why fathers feel alienated.

December 7, 2012 at 6:59 pm
(26) Mark says:

Benjamin Disraili once said: There are three kinds of lies. Lies. Damn lies. And statistics. The discusting bias in family court is so obvious to any observer that to point to a bunch of statistics is pseido-scientific rubbish. There is going to be a societal back lash when people wake up to the crimes of these fascist judges.

February 6, 2013 at 6:56 pm
(27) Kamal Haider says:

What a load of BS!! I am a single father. Ex had custody of kids and tried to alienate children. My oldest who was 11 took his stand and told his mum what he wants. He was physically abused by his mother but he never backed down . At last his school intervened and social services got involved. social services gave all three children in my care. I have had them for 7 months now. I work and come back from work I cook, clean, wash for my children. My children love me to bits. Mother has contact with children once a week and even that I have to convince them to go. My advise to all seperated fathers is to never give up and keep in touch with your children no matter how hard your ex makes it for you. Children are worth every bit of those hardships even you if you have to climb a mountains of hardship do it do it do it!!

February 26, 2013 at 11:07 am
(28) Daniel R says:

Cathy,

Nice stats, not at all biased in any way shape or form. The main problem with your summary is the lack of surrounding information. You are taking a lot of end result statistics and using them without any actual foundation to assume points that are not definitively true.

You state that Mothers generally cannot afford divorce attorneys and yet my wife had one of the best attorneys available and she was unemployed. Do you know how she pulled that off? She had the Attorney attach onto the divorce his fees. So not only did I have to pay my attorney fees I had to pay hers as well.

I have not seen my daughter since August 1st of 2010 and not through a lack of trying on my part. This is because there is no effective legal means of redress. I have taken her to court 4 times to have the judge enforce the visitation and he simply chides her for a few minutes and then dismisses the case. Until there is a legal means of redress that is actually effective and entails some substantial punishment for parental alienation these stats will continue. When a man fails to pay childsupport he can go to jail and yet when a custodial mother fails to abide by the visitation agreement/order there is nothing done.

Do not tell me there is no gender bias in the family courts. If you want to use statistics without any real back story to bolster your point then I will as well.

According to the 2011 CDC report regarding custodial arrangements, only 1 in 6 children are in the custody of fathers.

February 27, 2013 at 9:51 am
(29) scott nethery says:

One thing to consider is that most men who are educated are seeking out this type of information that will help us during our “fight” for our rights as fathers. Like most of the guys that commented on here, I have been dealt a very bad hand by a very biased court in Indiana. I spent six years in the service to defend the rights of Americans. These very rights that I defended are being stripped away from me by the court ( my 14th amendment). I hope that the every good father gets his kids in your battle for your rights.
God help us all and don’t ever give up on your kids, they need you.

March 5, 2013 at 5:30 pm
(30) Lissa says:

Well Cathy you seem to have come to a conclusion and then decided to go out and find things to back up your claim, which you (surprise, surprise) got wrong.

My own brother was the primary caretaker of his children, he worked all day, came home and cleaned the house while looking after his kids. All while his wife sat on her ass and verbally abused him. Soon it escalated to physical abuse, then cheating on him and kicking him out of their home. Now guess what’s happened! She’s fighting for full custody of their kids even though my brother is twice the parent she is. And you know what? She’s going to win too, my brother’s lawyer has said that he’s already got the odds against him. The family court system is ruthless and they’re helping my brother’s ex-wife gain custody of their kids by upholding her behavior. My brother knows he can’t win, his lawyer knows it, we all do. This decision will completely destroy my brother’s life. The money he saved for his kid’s education is all gone because she took it and the courts are going to allow her to take even more.

March 5, 2013 at 5:36 pm
(31) Voodoo Idol says:

Urm, I like how you don’t bother to explain any of this at all.

How much time does the father spend doing other things around the house? How about the mother? Might this not account for the disparity in direct child rearing?

Why do divorced fathers spend so little time with their children? Well, it’s mostly because that’s all the time the courts allow us to have. Why do so many divorced fathers have no contact with their children? Might it be that mothers are keeping their children away from them? My ex certainly tried this and it took 10 years of fighting in the courts to get a reasonable visitation schedule.

Why might the couples decide most often that children go with the mother? Have you ever been a father and tried to ask for time off work to spend with a sick kid? I was written up once by a female boss for doing just that. When I took it to HR (also a female) they both told me that it was a woman’s responsibility and that my (now ex) wife should be taking that time off.

Correlation does not equal causation. Maybe you should actually ask some questions about statistics instead of thinking you can draw a conclusion from them.

March 7, 2013 at 2:15 pm
(32) melissa says:

This article is missing some important information – The ABA (American Bar Association) reported that fathers when they file for full custody are awared full custody 70% of the time, The American Judges Association survey reports that fathers receive custody 85% of the time when there are issues of child sexual abuse and Domestic Violence, they note that Judges are trained to not believe the victims, women and children. 20% of all family court cases are these Domestic Violence Divorces where the abusive father uses the court system to punish his victims. While there are good fathers who are being abused by the system, and children need good fathers in their lives, there are greater number of abusive men who are using the system to get custody of children they are not caring for but rather to win in court against the women who left, using the child to destroy the mother, with legal fees etc, using legal psycological strategies to get our of child support etc. It is no longer true that mothers get custody as reported in this article – while it is true the bond between mother and child use to be respected. Doing what’s best for children is what is at risk in a gender war created by lawyers trying to increase billable hours. The family courts in America are dangerous for the welfare of children. We have a very broken system.

March 7, 2013 at 2:34 pm
(33) Jack Day says:

Letís assume for a moment that what you say is true. So where are all the affirmative action programs for fathers to assist them in sharing the responsibilities and obligations? It would seem to me, in the best interest of the child, an arrangement of 50/50, or as close as possible, would be the best possible outcome. If what you say is true, and there is no prejudice by the system at large, we would expect a system that addresses the issue with a torrent of social programs for fathers. But we donít, and the reason we donít, is because there is a prevalent bias against men and fathers. No stats are necessary to clearly see this reality.

March 10, 2013 at 6:15 am
(34) lovingfather says:

Where did u get your stats. Also, is there any stats for why the father isn’t spending more time with their kids, like work and the fact that maybe they work more so mother can spend more time vs a babysitter, or that their pay check pays the mojority of the bills. I think its funny that socieity say that men should pay the bills but hold the time it takes them to get paid, I bet 89 percent of all of those men had longer hours. I am a lot more furtunit to have a job that pays ok, and gives me time to be at home. However, I missed out on my sons first year and a half working full time at a gas station and going to school full time so that I may have the opportunity to give him a future. Yeah the courts aren’t bias. I know some guys how barely work I bet money the court would look down on that.

March 10, 2013 at 6:21 am
(35) lovingfather says:

I would also like to know why this men just gave custody to the mother. Was that guestioned asked, I bet u find that half of thoughts men didn’t fell like they had a chance in court

March 10, 2013 at 6:49 am
(36) lovingfather says:

Finally, and most impportantly, if an unmarried couple have a child together the moment the child is born it is considerdard under the custody of the mother as if she spirmed herself. So where do this put the father after a brake up, espeicailly here in michigan where the none custodian parent have to prove a significate change in circumstances which is pretty much undifned, and this come before the best intrest factors, that should always come first, isn’t family court suppose to be about what is best for the child. Most importantly the best intrest factors come after proving clear and convencing that a significant change has happen so even if the father is best as the custodian parent the court will leave the child with the mother. No matter how many cps reports the mother gets with out u calling one of them, or how bad your child dose in school if your child don’t shot someone, get exspelled, or cps proves neglect, abuse or malestation, then don’t go infront of the judge.

March 10, 2013 at 7:12 am
(37) lovingfather says:

I love my kids, and have fought to just be invovled in their lives. However I will say the court is more exceptable to fathers having time with their kids. Bias in family court is real. Show me real stats that weigh the envorinment and reasons for fathers abstence at home. Then maybe u can say this is good reason for family court to say the mother is the best parent. And there are also more varibles that you haven’t mentioned that affect custody, but if they lean twords the father they will be ignord. I have meet men who don’t keep a job, but they spend most of there time watching there chiild/kids, but I bet the court would look down on them because they dont have a job, but if it was q mother they would say the kids need to be woth her

March 11, 2013 at 12:09 am
(38) T White says:

I’ve never felt such prejudice and bias in my life until I found myself in a court room fighting for equal rights with my children. Thing is you’ll find there are a great deal more men with stories of bias. Matter fact I don’t know if I’ve ever seen any discussions by women claiming jusicial bias.

I’m not going to go into my story but I now understand what friends of mine went through where as before I really had no clue. Just because a woman has a child doesn’t mean she is a good care giver, affectionate, nuturing, or even loving. Fathers have to prove themselves superior and the mother a threat to the well being of the children before a father can get custody and even with that it’s still a coin flip.

I had a girl friend of mine make the statement that if she had thought that her ex had any chance of getting custody of the children she would have stayed. That stigma/fact on the court system is one that gives most women going through a divorce confidence. I never told her but my opinion of her was greatly reduced.

Not all men have the stamina, drive, strength, money or the staying power to continue the fight. It’s the battle that causes most men to give up and the torment they go through after giving up that causes the absent father.

Thing is people treat each other like we do our cars, cell phone, milk jugs and all other things we use until we get tired of them or find something bigger and better. Disposable.

March 12, 2013 at 8:52 am
(39) Jeff N says:

http://www.law.fsu.edu/journals/lawreview/frames/254/mcnefram.html

“Mothers get primary residential custody 93.4% of the time in divorces.

Fathers in divorce get primary residential custody only 2.5% of the time.

Fathers in divorce get joint physical custody only 4% of the time.

Fathers in divorce get primary or joint physical custody less than 7% of the time.

Where fathers actively seek custody, they receive primary residency in less than one out of three cases (29%), and joint physical residency in less than half (46%).”

In a well cited academic article. Ms. Meyers, the statistics cited in the linked article are from Florida, and, I suspect one would find similar statistics in other states. Are you sticking with your “no bias” position? Despite evidence that you’re factually incorrect?

March 12, 2013 at 9:00 am
(40) Jeff N says:

http://www.courts.wa.gov/wsccr/docs/ResidentialTimeSummaryReport2010.pdf

From the state of Washington. Again, results of custody proceedings very clearly favor mothers, even when there is a “risk factor” on the mother’s side. From that states own court system!

Please consider revising your article. You’re simply wrong, and perpetuating a fallacy that is harmful to fathers and children.

March 20, 2013 at 9:39 pm
(41) Dads_Fight says:

My soon to be ex obtained an OFP based on false accusations of domestic and child abuse (tactic!) The court granted her sole physical and legal custody.

She is an unfit mother, my poor children are frequently truant to school. She is an alcoholic and I’ve had to remove my children from her unsafe environment 3 times in the past 3 weeks. I filled for an ex parte and was denied from the court. Even though there are police reports stating that she is an unfit mother, has severe alcohol issues, and is mentally unstable. Now she moved my children without my knowledge 50 miles away, in with their maternal grandmother, changed their school and I am left to pick up the pieces.

I play barbies with my daughter, have been teaching my children how to skate, get them to school on time, help them with their homework, am an employed, stable,college graduate and carry health insurance for my babies. My ex is unemployed, on MA, has been having strange men to her house and is an alcoholic. And I’ve been denied custody?! What has to happen? I fear for the safety, well being and stability of my children. I’m only allowed 1/2hr each day to speak with my kids and one overnight every other weekend. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!

So far I have spent over $5,000 in the past month fighting the court through my attorney. I see how the statistics work, Her legal aid attorney is paid for via my taxes. She’s getting child support and “maintenance”. I’m going broke. I would do anything for my children and am only trying to protect them.

This system is severely flawed and is totally biased. The exigent situation my children have been put in is unacceptable. Yet their mother retains custody and is able to do whatever she wants. Alas, I feel as if in the end I’ll run out of money and she’ll win. I’m hurt, heartbroken, and genuinely disgusted by the family court system.

Where can I find some support? My ex screws up and I get screwed. THIS HAS GOT TO CHANGE!

March 26, 2013 at 7:50 pm
(42) Martin says:

Hi, I am a father that has been fighting for sole custody of my 3 and 4 year old girl and boy. My Ex left her anti depressive Med’s in reach of my son, and he ate the med she called poison control and said if condition get bad bring him to the ER. The next morning my ex mom that she lives with dropped the kids off to me she did not tell me that my son took my ex Med’s and to watch out for him. When I got the kids with in 2 HR he has a seizure so I took him to the ER after the doc ask me to call the mother it took 2 HR for them to tell me the truth. The Doc called DCF. DCF did not do anything, said no negligence was found. I filed a motion for sole custody. The court wanted to take time away from me. When the kids have never been hurt with me I don’t understand. The kids came with bruises and say mommy hit me, they sleep at her “boyfriends” house in the same room as them! Then 6 months later my ex burnt my girl with a cig cuz my ex was smoking in bed in a basement with my little girl. Dcf open and closed the case in one day when 8 DCF reports have called to DCF and DCF have done nothin. I don’t Understand. I am not good in court and the court always sides with her. I have the kids 50 percent of the time I work full time my ex lives with her mom does not work and has been arrested multiple times! I have not been arrested. I don’t understand why the court sides with her. I am about 18000 in lawyer fees when she gets a state lawyer. She has nothin to lose. I can’t afford my lawyer anymore and I am at a point where I have to give up and settle for what she wants because I can’t afford to pay anyone to help me.

March 26, 2013 at 7:53 pm
(43) Martin says:

She has nothin to lose. I can’t afford my lawyer anymore and I am at a point where I have to give up and settle for what she wants because I can’t afford to pay anyone to help me. I can’t do this on my own I have ADD so I have a hard time understanding questions and a hard time doing book work fill out the forms. I know I keep on talking around but I really need help!!!! Please what do I do. The kids are not safe with the mother I have called DCF filled motion for sole custody I am getting no were. Now I am on my last little bit of money I have left. I don’t want to give up on my kids cuz it is not in the best interest of the kids I don’t know what else to do. I hope someone has some words of wisdom for me.

April 3, 2013 at 8:45 pm
(44) Ceemonkey says:

As a legal professional, I’ve seen too many men get railroaded by both courts and mediators. It is true that the courts don’t decide the majority of child custody arrangements. HOWEVER, both lawyers and mediators discourage fathers from seeking custody.

The “Tender Years” doctrine has been replaced by the courts with the “Best Interests of the Child” doctrine IN FORM ONLY. In substance, the “Tender Years” doctrine is alive and well.

BUT, the problem isn’t the courts, or even the lawyers and mediators. Society both discourages fathers from being involved, then, when they aren’t, admonishes them. You’ll find this catch 22 even here on this website.

I’d love to have kids, but fathers, and by extension their children, always end up with the short end of the stick. I will not put myself or any children through that.

April 5, 2013 at 11:47 pm
(45) Joel Glover says:

What you are failing to factor in is the percentage of fathers that do not go after shared parenting because they are told by an attorney that they no chance of getting shared custody. The statistics that you site in your article are extremely misleading and it is irresponsible of you to not intellectually consider all the variables before writing such a misleading and biased article. There are no statistics that properly show the dilemma in family court, other than the statistic of how often the mother is granted custody.

April 9, 2013 at 6:31 am
(46) David says:

I know I’m just a kid and all, but the way I see it is that fathers who dont see their child at all, are the ones who cant see them at all. I know with my divorced family, my father loves me very much and the only reason he can’t see me is because we live cross country from him.

April 30, 2013 at 6:02 pm
(47) Jeff says:

After my divorce, I had default custody of my two under 8 kids because my ex didn’t bother asking for custody, only to not have to pay back child support. Three years later, when I filed a motion to enforce to finally get CS, she counterfiled for custody. We walk into mediation and the first thing mediator said to me after introducing himself was “So why should you get to keep the kids?” He didn’t want to hear how I had devoted my life to taking care of them while she lived three hours away and didn’t contribute a dime to caring for them, didn’t want to comment on how they were both A students, happy and healthy, or even give any weight to a letter from my ex in laws stating that they believed that the children were better off in my care as opposed to their own daughter. I was told not to say anything disparaging about my ex during mediation and actually SCOLDED for not actively seeking to befriend her newest boyfriend! In a word, even though the reason we were back in litigation was due to my ex owing over $10,000 in back child support, from the minute I walked into the mediator’s office it was a foregone conclusion that the kids would be going with their mother, and because I wasn’t able to scrape together an additional $8000 in two days for attorney’s fees, my own attorney urged me to “get the best deal we can”.

No, no bias against fathers at all.

May 9, 2013 at 4:58 pm
(48) FreeSpeechMom says:

@Rich Rodriguez (2nd Comment): “Did the family court give me a chance to ask for physical custody? Nope.” You don’t get a chance handed to you! You have to file a complaint for custody. If you’d filed a complaint, your ex would have had to file a counter motion. Simple, and you would have had your “chance.”
@James (5th Comment): “93% of the mothers commit custodial interference.” Parental alienation expert Dr. Kathleen Reay has shown that fathers are just as likely to engage in alienation (“interference”) as mothers. Perhaps your statistic doesn’t take into consideration the custodial fathers who do this to their exes.

I’m a noncustodial mother due to a need to relocate (as I’ve always been the financially supportive parent). The custody evaluator took what my ex husband said at face value, without investigating the facts. He said I have a criminal record when I don’t and he’s the one who actually has a criminal record, with arrests for larceny, possession of drug paraphernalia and assault on female.

I’ve spent over $200,000 on expenses arising from my ex-husband’s two lawsuits. The first one was when our son was a newborn and I won. While most custody decisions are settled outside court, I think you would be surprised by how many fathers win in the courtrooms, depending on jurisdiction. Look me up and read my blog for more information.

May 13, 2013 at 12:06 pm
(49) Anonymous says:

This article is a load of Bull… written by a woman for women.

My father has been taking care of my half-sister since she was 1 years old. Her own mother abandoned her for a 10 day trip when she was still on breast milk. My Dad was taking care of her from 9:am to 9:pm every day while she went to work. Never let her stay overnight or she would call the police.

Now we finally go to court, the Judge removes half of our access time, n overnight stays, and I don’t even get to see her after work from Monday to Friday except when we drop her to her mother at a public meeting place.

My Dad has had FULL responsibility of my sister for the last 2 years, but now we go to court and we lose even more?

The system is broken.

May 20, 2013 at 3:40 am
(50) Father Time says:

“Since two income households are now the norm,”

[citation needed]

Seriously I call BS on this.

“More startling are the stats on absent fathers, or the amount of time fathers spend with children once the divorce is final.”

Do these stats take into account how often they’re allowed to see their children? Seriously I can’t even find the supposed study saying this.

May 23, 2013 at 9:50 pm
(51) John says:

I think most Americans agree that most family court judges are abusing their power in favor of women. This is the politically correct thing for them to do, justice is just not part of the deal.

If the authors claim that the “vast majority of fathers choose to give the mother custody” is found to be true, I think we can all agree that the reason behind such a preposterous decision is most likely due to the fact that they know the outcome beforehand anyway. Should a father want to waste time and money in the “court of law” he can be very sure that the judge will use his standard rubber stamp: “Father Denied Custody!” How can a responsible man/father take on such a vast and enormously corrupt system, unless he is a glutton for abuse and don’t mind being on the receiving end of travesty of justice.

A father asking the family court system for fairness and justice has been likened to that of a black man seeking justice in the Deep South at the beginning of last century, it’s just not going to happen….

May 24, 2013 at 3:50 pm
(52) Bruce says:

Absolutely biased.

My mother moved as far as possible from my dad, as soon as possible. Claimed to be encouraging contact, but in fact had him pay for all travel expenses despite the fact it was her decision to move to increase distance. Not to mention the extensive interrogations at each end, and criticisms for any mannerism or word use we might have picked up from him. It took heroic efforts on his part, emotional and organizational, to maintain visitation, and even then we only saw him 3 times a year. It is no surprise that many fathers give up.

And re the “myth” of “parental alienation”, I agree it’s silly to put it in the DSM, but to question it as a real and depressingly common tactic is nothing short of a lie. She put every possible effort, with no back talk allowed, into alienating us from our dad, right down to fishing for allegations of abuse during her custody battle. I must have listened to thousands of hours of ignorant theorizing about all of this in later years.

Yet he never said a negative word about her. Never. And she may have been the parent more involved in day-to-day caretaking, but he was always – and is now – the parent who was better at *parenting*.

Needless to say we visit and call him more now.

Ms Meyers you have no business at all having the position you do at About.com. You question bias in the court system, and yet show a shocking level of bias yourself. The baby-boomer era custody warriors need to sit down and shut up, you’ve done enough damage already.

June 13, 2013 at 1:45 am
(53) Jane_Lane says:

I find it odd that you can rave about how much you love your children and then give up so easily when your lawyer tells you that you can’t win.

June 20, 2013 at 6:15 pm
(54) Andrew says:

Here’s some stats from where I live:
97.3% of recipients of family maintenance are women.
Until recently, nearly 92% of all custody disputes were resolved with mother as the primary caregiver.

Stay at home fathers account for more than 0.07% of the population where I live.

I would also point out that full-time daycare will probably reduce the 2:1 ration that mothers spend more time with their children. Stay at home moms are no longer the norm.

These stats are clearly outdated and your conclusions are flawed.

June 20, 2013 at 6:43 pm
(55) Andrew says:

Correction to my previous comment. I meant 3.7% on stay-at-home or primary-caregiver fathers. Rough around 20-25% where I Iive. The numbers just don’t add up based on my regions own statistics.

We are rewarding short-sightedness and quick fixes. The legal system must provide an option for fathers to prove themselves in the future.

July 5, 2013 at 6:35 pm
(56) Pearlene says:

Can I simply say what a comfort to discover someone who actually knows what they are
discussing over the internet. You certainly
understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important.
More people need to read this and understand this side of your
story. I was surprised you aren’t more popular since you definitely have the gift.

August 15, 2013 at 12:25 am
(57) kirk douglas says:

how is it in the childs best interest to have to share a room with 2 other siblings reside with there grand parents and have no solid structure or dicipline in the best interest of a child i ask bc right now i was told i was irrisponsible bc 8i rely on someone to get my kids on the bus because i work and the mother doesnt but the courts decided nc shes a stay at home mom that she is best suited for the responsibility even though she doesnt take care of any of the financial obligation of the child where with me she has her own room myslef and my girlfriend have a house and were financially stable so how does the system work if its not bias

September 23, 2013 at 2:01 pm
(58) Dead says:

What a biased article. You throw out statistics, selectively chosen and selectively explained, to justify discrimination. There is no truth in numbers. It’s up to us to find out what they mean. And you just need them to fit your bias.

October 4, 2013 at 10:51 am
(59) jeffery hopper says:

your presumption is based on the general stats of all divorces, look at the cases that go to court and you see a very obvious bias in favor of women. The cases in which the two decide on custody do not reflect any truth other than men have been fed the lie that women are the better parent.

October 6, 2013 at 9:18 am
(60) Aaron says:

Notice how almost ALL of the people who disagree are divorced fathers?

And there mostly just narratives of their own stories..

There are bad court rulings sometimes. Everyone knows that. But where is proof that they amount to systemic bias, or any bias at all?

Likewise, claims of gender discrimination in the workplace must rise and fall on facts, not narrative laced with selective anecdotes. Turns out that life is complex, and there are few simple answers.

Show me real data, beyond “how come my wife got my kids????” and let’s talk about what it actually means. For that matter, cite one statistic that you think proves the case.

More facts, less narrative.

http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/01/30/systemic-bias-in-family-courtor-just-selective-fact-finding&view=comments

December 22, 2013 at 2:01 am
(61) Mercedes says:

Honestly, nothing against you and thank you for providing the info. Again honstly this really upsets me my current future husband is still trying to battle custody. Everything he reads like this discourages him puts him down. I hate it he is an amazing father and his daughter who he is battleing for is his number1! He didnt ask for the divorce or even cause and spends every moment he gets with his daughter with her……so because guys or dads like him is such a low number in statistic he has to continuously be told well your not the mother so u wont get custidy. Personally thats completely unfair a load of bs. And i feel the court needs to change their system on. How they deal with these situations. This is affect tge fathers who want to be envolved 100%in a very bad way. I just really dont agree at all!

December 26, 2013 at 8:31 am
(62) Teddybear says:

If child or spousal abuse played a role in her decision to seek a divorce, a mother is MORE likely to lose custody: http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/cust_myths.html

January 21, 2014 at 4:57 pm
(63) Luis says:

That may be the case, but to the small percentage of us that do care, that were always a big part of our children’s life before divorce, and are attempting to continue being a strong part of our children’s life after divorce, we get treated no different than any other scumbag out there. There are no impartial court, mediator or whatever out there. Anyone involved in the entire process will firstly assume that the father is a completely scumbag that was seeking the divorce without knowing anything about the guy.

That is how I have been treated from day one, but unlike many fathers out there, I will not give up or surrender. My children were important to me from before they were even born and it will be so until the day I die.

January 25, 2014 at 5:13 pm
(64) john rae says:

Clinton, I am a grandfather living in Scotland and at present going through the same mentally painfull process as the same is happening here as in the US. Why ? is it always up to the father to prove his worth, when it is blatently obvious that the mother could not give a damn about their child, but only doing it out of spite to hurt the father. Also it is costing my son and me an absolute fortune to pursue this case, and as we know that statistics tell us we have not got any chance of winning, but , he loves his daughter dearly and would feel a failure if he did not try and get custody. Also his daughters mother has got legal aid , whereby she does not have to pay for a lawyer{ attorney} so in her eyes he is paying out his own pocket , more heartache for him. Also here we have social workers who ” investigate each parent” “which takes a 30 minute visit to each parent house” and then writes out a report and recommendation to the court on their assumption of a 30 minute visit, how can this be seen as justice. IT IS NO WONDER WHY SO MANY FATHERS GIVE UP

February 16, 2014 at 8:30 am
(65) Ty says:

I have lived it. I’ve walked this very road. Better financially, more education, and just as caring . Never in my life felt more attacked for being a male.

How do we fix it ?
How do we educate others ?
Does anyone care ?

Men when the dust settles the main thing is still to invest as much
Time and love into our beautiful children .

We got this !!!!!!

February 19, 2014 at 11:06 am
(66) Grandmother says:

For 11 years I have watched my son fight for, at minimal, visitation with his children. But even the fact that he was given custody for just over two years, had his home inspected, offered more stability than the mother who during the same time period lived in several different states, the children were returned to the mother without any follow-up inspections from any outside agencies. Most recently, the Family Courts of Brooklyn, New York allowed the mother to relocate to another state with the order the children were to visit the father who also relocated for employment.

Visitation was granted. The decision was made that the mother would pay part of the transportation costs. However, not only does my son pay the entire cost of the flight, the mother did not put the children on the flight. When my son petitioned the courts to address the matter, to at least be compensated for the cost of the flight, a subpoena was issued.

Subpoena served, parties in court, the case was dismissed and my son was told it was out of the State’s jurisdiction. He pays child support, but no one is enforcing court ordered visitation rights.

Would appreciate comments and any help offered.

February 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm
(67) Frank says:

I donít have quite enough space in a single post:

Part 1/2

I have some issues with how you arrived at the 4 main conclusions presented at the end of the article:
1. Fathers are less involved in their children’s care during the marriage.
-The stat presented in this article indicates that this is true. But averages indicate that while women may have closer bonds with the children on average, an average would not justify punishing men who are highly involved in child care.
2. Fathers are less involved in their children’s lives after divorce.
- This may or may not be due to the father’s choice, do these stats include fathers as not being involved if his ex-wife prevents access to his child? Does it included custody where a father only has access twice a month? I’m not sure how much of an effect it would have, but it could skew this stat.
3. Mothers gain custody because the vast majority of fathers choose to give the mother custody.
- This could be construed as bias against men in court, or at least evidence that men perceive bias. If men feel they are not going to get a “fair” ruling, they may take what they can get in a settlement. Take Brian Banks’ case, he plead guilty to a rape he didn’t commit when he was threatened with 40 years, because he perceived bias.
4. There is no Family Court bias in favor of mothers for the majority of fathers who divorce.
- This isn’t a conclusion you can come to with general statics, in part because of the limitations I outlined. Additionally, bias

February 22, 2014 at 12:14 pm
(68) Frank says:

Part 2/2

There clearly is gender bias somewhere, it could be from the courts, it could be in the institution of marriage, my guess is that it is in both.

If in 75% of cases the child is best served with their mother having primary custody, but 80% of the time mother is granted primary custody, that would mean that is bias in favor of the mother in the courts.

In order to determine if the courts are biased, we would need more individualized stats. One thing would be looking at custody decisions where the mother and father have equal parenting hours, we would expect 50/50 split in these cases if no bias is present.

March 10, 2014 at 4:47 pm
(69) John says:

Cathy, you keep transposing the word “Statistics” with “Facts” yet those two words are in no way the same nor should statistics be given the same weight as facts. Statistics are in no way ‘facts’ and should never be represented as such. This type of approach is a logical fallacy also known as cum hoc ergo propter hoc, Latin for “with this, therefore because of this”, and “false cause”. A similar fallacy, that an event that follows another was necessarily a consequence of the first event, is sometimes described as post hoc ergo propter hoc (Latin for “after this, therefore because of this”). No one has done enough research into this subject to be able to conclude there is no bias against Fathers. For example, my ex was arrested, charged and eventually convicted for forging the original divorce, parenting plan and child support documents. Yet, I still had to spend 4 days in court grilling her about these events, even going so far as to get her to lie on the stand, not once, not twice, but four times… even the judge clarified, asked her twice “are you sure that’s your final answer?” If it was me who had been convicted of the same crime, I’d be in jail. A crying female gets a slap on the wrist and is still given equal credibility as me… a person who has never lied in court. Of course, it was not without the extreme efforts of her attorney who had used a deposition I had taken nearly half a year before and 2 hours of grilling on the stand TRYING to impeach me with tons of trick questions to discover that, yes, in fact, I had been telling the truth all along. Now, the truth is that I currently have full custody of my daughter because of a police incident where my ex went psycho on the police, but the courts have been bending over backwards for her… and I know, had I pulled any of the crap she’s pulled, I’d have gone to jail, and would have 12 supervised visits per year. The bias is there and it is very strong.

April 27, 2014 at 7:27 am
(70) LAX says:

I am not from the US or the UK (or any other English speaking country) but:

It’s the same here in Germany (!) – the no-fault-divorce is something that they have pushed through here, too (many years ago, but it is still WRONG – Why? – because I myself am a victim of the family court system…I am no father, but I am the child of divorced parents (happened when I was about a year old) and my mother was/is the guilty party because she cheated on my father.

As for who had custody: My dad got it (but only because my mother was so much worse as a parent. She had no stable income (she was still training for her future job), she was sleeping around (even with one of her Professors – she was training to become a teacher), she was smoking and drinking (even while pregnant – and that’s probably why I have ADHD), she had no home big enough for a child (while my dad moved back in with his parents (who had a house that was large enough) in order to be able to offer me a stable environment (while he was off serving his country with the German Air Force)…and even with all that going for him it took over a year and frequent inspections by child protective services (and some minor additional details in his favour (!) like my mother not having any pictures of me at her place!) to get custody (and he would not have gotten it, if child services didn’t tell my mother that firstly as it stood she would not stand a chance but could only draw out the inevitable and so she agreed to let my dad have it – if he promised not to ask for child-support…he did, stupid as he was (my mother was supposed to save up a portion of that money for me – she did, only to steal that money from me later!) and even put that in writing!)…

(god damned, need to posts for this…part two will follow!)

April 27, 2014 at 7:29 am
(71) LAX says:

Oh, by the way:

A few years later she tried to go back on the deal (and she LOST – good riddance I say, because, while she still had visitation (weekends spend with her and sometimes a few weeks in the summer holidays) which she did take, she tried to turn me against my father (I couldn’t see it at first, I was too young and frankly too stupid…and of course she did all the nice things, while my dad had to care for me everyday)…

So yeah, the current system ist broken – not only in the states. I know that her going back on the deal was what made the courts go against her, but had she not agreed, her – now stable – income situation (she was working at a state school and was therefore awarded civil servant status, which means a very secure job in Germany!) would have probably turned the situation on it’s head (meaning: I would have gone back to her…how I know? – I did an internship at the firm of an expert attorney for family law and I know tons of cases now…Family court maybe an ugly business for all the involved parties, but it’s worse for men, firstly because they can’t cry in front of a judge to move him or her and secondly because the inherent bias of the system!

Hope this gets resolved in my lifetime (like all those other instances of reverse gender bias in favour of women – from the education system, to lower standarts at the police and the military, to female quotas, reproduction rights (if she can abort without me having a say, then i want to be able to sign away all rights…not that I would want children anyway!) etc!)

(and this is part 2 – thank you for reading and keep up fighting the good fight, men :) (and women, as there is some women trampled by the system, too – it’s just not that many, compared to men!))

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