Dealing with a difficult ex can be very discouraging, frustrating and defeating. If there are children involved we feel it is our responsibility to try to have a healthy relationship with our ex for their sake. At times, your efforts to co-parent civilly may not be returned, hence the frustration.
If your ex makes you want to pull your hair out or, run screaming maybe it's a combination of the two of you and how you interact with each other. Learning some new skills for resolving conflict might be all that is needing in your situation.
Then again, maybe your ex is incapable of respecting boundaries or caring about the welfare of his/her children. If you divorced someone who seems hell-bent on making your life miserable then you need to learn how to deal with a toxic ex who can't police their impulse or need to constantly stir the pot and cause friction.
If you are dealing with a toxic ex then they are probably a Narcissist or a Sociopath and because neither con “police their impulse or need to constantly stir the pot and cause friction” or “incapable of respecting boundaries or caring about the welfare of his/her children” as you indicate it is impossible to have a respectable healthy relationship with your ex. What advice to you have for us in this impossible horrible situation. Your skills for resolving conflict will be totally useless in this situation.
The parents must no matter what find a way to deal with the issues of parenting. The kids did not ask for a divorce. Parents must find a way to communicate with each other and not through the kids. The kids need both parents to raise them. For parent to just run away and take the easy way out is not fair to the kids. Grow up and be the parents you are suppose to be.
My ex-wife is a psychotic control freak who recognizes no one’s rights but her own. My kids, luckily, are almost out of her grasp.(18, 17). However she has damaged they’re viewpoint to such an extent, I have little hope of any contact until they are out of her “web”.
P.S.
She outgunned me with a high-powered lawyer that cost 5 times what I paid, and hates men as much as she does.
In a these type of cases when you are dealing with someone with a personality disorder (most likely exacerbated by their spouse) you have no choice but to parallel parent. Try to be positive, business like and brief. Don’t expect anything from them that you wouldn’t give yourself. I have been in court for almost 9 years defending myself and realize that our child will grow up and go on to have a life and almost a 1/4 of mine is gone that I can never get back. I left my ex for DV and now at 50/50 he wants me to pay him child support. What he doesn’t know is that I’ll eat rice and beans before I give him child support when he refuses to worker. I guess, you have to ask yourself “what price are you willing to pay for peace?” Sometimes its hard to
Kim and Robert – I was home with my amazing daughters for 15 years. I finally got the nerve to leave my abusive marriage a little over a year ago. Every attempt to spend any time with my girls only hurts them – they are with their dad almost all the time in our marital home. He has convinced them that I am mentally ill. Every normal reaction (attempts to discipline) is seen as evidence of my ‘mental illness.’ They have been told that my getting alimony will wipe out their college fund, cause them to lose the house they love, etc… He put them on a witness list against me getting any custody. He refuses to pay temporary alimony. I have a degree and am trying to make money.
I’m living with my parents, a place my girls used to love to visit, but he has convinced the girls my mom and dad don’t want them there. I can’t believe the stunning lies.
I miss my girls horribly. The pain is unbearable despite my efforts to convince myself I’m finally away from my abuser. I’m reading a book on narcissism that is helping me understand his cruelty.
I’ve nearly resigned myself to the hope that I can reconnect with my girls after they graduate from high school.
I’d love to find anyone who can relate.
Julie and others I haven’t seen my boys for seven years due to their mother’s parental alienation of me. All the things that you all list are the things that happened to me. The courts NEVER helped or recognized any of the actions my ex took against me. She had me arrested on bogus charges. Found not guilty, but it got too much as the boys turned. To call mothers or fathers that do this narcissist is nice. I will, like others, wait until the boys graduate high school to attempt to reconnect. Has anyone had this experience and been able to reconnect? I have tried with my oldest but he ignores all my attempts or any from my side of his family.
I too am dealing with a toxic spouse. And now that I stood my ground after 25 years, he has stopped paying the bills to punish me…and I was a stay at home wife/mom. I have had to hide so my car won’t be repossessed before I can find some help. The older kids are convinced by him that I never contributed so I don’t deserve anything because he paid all the bills. Everything is hidden and password protected, I have had no access to money unless he gave it to me and my name is not on those accounts either. I had a few thousand dollars coming from a source he couldn’t control and yet demanded the money or else, all the while still threatening to have my car repoed or not pay the bills etc…and that he was leaving someday anyway…(he always told me he was gone when the kids turned 18)…so I did the only thing I felt I could do since I would not have another opportunity…I refused to give him my money and asked for help from outside the home….first thing he did was call the car company…they demanded I give them my money or the car back…I called an atty. I went to stay with a lady from church and took my 12 yr. old with me. Now I have to beat him to the punch in court so I can be the one with a TPO and restraining order….not that I want him out of the kids lives…the older ones are going to hate me anyway and blame me…and he already sat them down before he did this to me and they were in agreement that mom deserved it because she didn’t pay the bills…I just want him out of my life, for the threats to stop. For me to be able to find peace and heal from the many years of total mental cruelty and abuse. I never want to deal with him again once this is over…
Julie…If you see this please reply.Iv experienced much the same…it is extremely painful to go on.I’m very sorry you are experiencing horrible repercussions also from the poor behavior & lies /brainwashing your ex has done to your girls…Would U be interested in trading email address? If so…please let me know.We could be a support for one another?!
P.S.My thoughts, my heart & prayers go out to the rest of you too…it IS like hell on earth when there is a chasm between our children and us due to a toxix parent who wants it all & will do ANYTHING to get it even if children experience damage too.
I have a toxic ex who makes my life a misery. He hardly sees his daughters and lets them down. He has interfered in my relationship, making threats. I left the marital home as he made my life a misery, kept coming round. He wouldn’t sell the house and it got repossessed all just to hurt me. He is with someone else and I have tried talking to her but nothing works. The police have been involved he harrrasses me with emails and texts and I change my number but he gets it again from our daughter. He rings me at work. Then we don’t hear anything as Goes weeks without seeing the girls. Then gets in touch. He calls me names, tells me my life is a mess and he has this great life and that he is so happy. I just want him to see his daughters and be amicable. He has all the symptons of narcissism. I just wish it would all stop and me and my daughters can have a normal life
My ex is discusting. He cheated and managed to find a narsistic young teenage girl to manipulate and make her hate and attack me because he knew I woudn’t put up with his vicious attacks.
They both still to this day attack me and project there behaviour onto me and carry on like high school kids. I sit there gobsmacked most of the time but my best advise is to not react. These Vulture people usually are attacking and bullying because they want a reaction from the ex. I just agree, nod my head and smile now. A lot of things are out of my control so I just accept there nuts pray my son is ok in there care and live life to the best that I can.
To John:
Comments like the ones you posted infuriate me! Let me tell you why… It is way more complicated than simply “growing up” sometimes. Yes I agree that the children should most definitely be kept completely out of it but what do you do when you are the one being the grown up and always encourage the relationship with the other parent and you protect your child from all of the times his dad refuses him or does not want to see him because I cannot bear the thought of hurting his feelings, but then this parent whom you have built up to your child tells your child along with his girlfriend nonstop lies and garbage and your kid does not know any different because you do not stoop to that level? I still will not speak against his father even though me and my fiance are the ONLY ones who care for the child and we are continually being talked about to the point that it has changed my 12 year old. He is so bitter and I am utterly devasted! This is so unfair to my son especially when we are teaching him he does not have to choose between dad/stepdad mom/dad’s girlfriend and have told him that it is just more people to love him and this is ongoing where he is being put in situations where they talk about us nonstop. Sure yes we are taking the court route but who is gonna fix my son’s heart and head?? So I ask you to please think about these things before making a blanket statement such as grow up because when you have a parent who refuses to be a grown up the solution is not that black and white!
Thank you Jennifer. My thoughts exactly. Larry, narcissism is a terrible personality disorder that contributes to this horrifically selfish, childish behavior that sadly, only set out to teach the children much of the same. The courts do not seem to protect the well-adjusted spouse from people like that. The best we can do is just collect evidence and keep a journal. Mine is, so far, pretty cooperative with moments of falling off the rails. I have learned I cannot call him out on his bs or he will go ballistic. These people live in another world, where their perceptions are distorted, and they want you to look through the same distorted lens. Their worldview is skewed. Their parenting and relationship skills, toxic. If I can keep calm around him, things are generally ok. I don’t doubt my poor little one senses the tension. But yes, I fear him and his outbursts. Ultimately he is an abuser.
It isn’t always the man that is the abuser. My son is currenty in the Army and just returned from Afganistan. His “wife” is verbally abusive, calls him horrible names, tells him he is a worthless piece of sh… and that he “abandoned” her and their son. When he got leave, he came home to what I believe is a woman who is quite possibly bipolar. She threatens him, with both physical harm and verbally. Needless to say their relationship is over. Now she tells him that if he ever wants to see his son again, he will pay her. The threats are still on going and it is so hard not to get involved. Unfortunately, I live in the same area as my soon to be ex-daughter in law. Just wanted to say that it isn’t always the guy that can be TOXIC.
I do not have biological children, but I do have a step-son. I love him like he is my own, but his mother tries to come up with ways to keep him from coming to visit his dad and I. For example, we get him ever Saturday (we only spend 48 hrs with him a week) and more often then not she will ask him if he wants to come to our house of it he wants to stay at her house and play with his friends. What kid wouldnt want to play with friends rather than go visit parents??? And while he is with us she calls and talks to him and tells him they just bought him something and cant wait for him to come home so he can have it or she will tell him how much fun they are having doing this that and the other. So of course that makes him ready to go home unless we are doing something extravigant. There was one weekend that we just let him stay over there with her and then she tried to pull the same crap the next weekend and I told her that it wasnt right for us to go without seeing him for 2 weeks, and asked her how she would feel if she didnt get to see her son for so many weeks. She told me I was insulting her and even called her husband and said I was being mean to her. Now she will not even speak to me or look my direction. I just dont think we should put up with her soming up with ways to try to make my step son not want to come visit us.
The girl is just crazy – She is selfish and does not think this family is important to my step son and does not feel he needs to spend time with us. Again we only see him for 24 hrs a week and before we get him she hugs him and tells him how much she is going to miss him and how she doesnt know what she is going to do without him. By her own admission she is trying to guilt trip him into wanting to stay with her! I dont know how to deal with her anymore. Ive been with my husband for over 6 years and this all seems to be getting worse and not better.
Jennifer, what you said is so true. Time and again I’ve had to rise above and be the better person despite constant verbal abuse, harrassment, and unreasonable expectations. For 18 months, he came & went from my house as he pleased, invaded my privacy, took things, broke things, and I had no recourse. The court allowed him to drag this out, asking us to come back for “settlement conferences” when all that it did was allow him to continue to get away with not paying child support or get anything resolved. My kids have seen him barge into my house, cause huge fights, the police were called, etc. They have also seen his new girlfriend hit him, throw things, etc. Now he is manipulating my kids, and all I can do is love them & allow them to come to their own conclusions about this sick jerk. I get no money for activities, formal dresses, yearbooks, etc. because he “doesn’t have it” but goes to expensive concerts & constantly out drinking. Yes, someone needs to grow up but Thank God my children have one responsible, adult parent.
Wow! Those of you that say that you must work together no matter what is going on , has no idea what we are going through and should not even be posting on here ubtil they are in the situation, I am a stepmom to 3 great kids and married to a great father, when the ex will actually let him be one. Due to all the mind games and brainwashing and verbal attacks and only allowing him to see the kids 4 days a month. So i have watched a fathers bond with all the kids deterioate over 3 years because of this. I have seen the kids beg their mom to let them spend another night and she says no but to find out later that they spent the night at a friends or an aunts house but not their dads. Oh and the normal excuse we get “sorry we have plans” the kids are getting emotionally abused the oldest tried killing herself 2 times and ran away 4 times, think their is a problem yet, the middle child is a girl and 13 she stays in her room after school or as far away from her mom as possible so she dont get targeted like the 16 yr old and the boy is 10 and free to do whatever he wants and can do no wrong aka known as the goldenchild, so when you live our life feel free to tell everyone that we have to work it out at any costs, it just does not happen that way, oh and the kids are dropped off at a relitives house each night at 8 to stay the night, we have mentioned numerous times we would take them and it still never happens, its so bad the kids asked us to intervene and now we started a custody case, so this should be fun trying to prove a hostile aggresive parenting narricist who is an expert liar to the courts. We have enough doccumation but as i said expert at lying, so to john or whoever said that if you want a feel good story go and read cinderella while we deal with this hell in reality.
We all have our stories and I believe there is abuse on both sides, man and woman. I am a divorced father of 1 child, a 15 yr old son. His mother has had many failed relationships since we were divorced, around 6 to be exact, engaged a few times, maried, divorced and had another baby wihtin 1 year with one. No recent antother engagement until we are in court, and miraculously now they are seperated again. I have been re married now for 8 years, and we are a very stable relationship. My ex spouse is independently wealthy, like multi millionaire. Shes never worked a day in her life, but wants to keep increasing her child support. I make about a 1/4 of what she makes annually. She uses my son against me in the last year, as this is how long this child support case has been going on. She makes it hard in everyway and looks for more “fun” things to do as alternatives for him when its my weekend. Ive becomem to the point of depression and gulit of what I could do more, its effecting my life. Not sure to step up or back off of time with him.
Unless you have walked in anothers shoes, you have no ability to understand the power of abuse. I would like to share my thoughts on “toxic relationships”. The abuser is like a parasite. They will feed on their host until death then move to another host. This “relationship” is all about the parasite. It is not symbiotic or a give and take..I am educated and well respected in my career in the health vare industry. I have extensive training and experience in psychiatry with no difficulty in conflict resolution. Yet I remain in a toxic relationship with my ex husband. It takes more than knowledge to overcome and move on in life. It is important to build a support system and most importantly, quit enabling or accepting anything less than the best. Just think…if I feel this way after 12 years, how will my children feel after 18+?
Just never move to savannah ga. They give a rats ass abt constitutional rights and allow certain attorneys to file everything ex parte. They ignore recusal motions properly filed and never acknowle even the simplest gal motion. But that’s if ur in front of freesemann only if course……