A few weeks ago I clicked "like" on a Facebook page called One Moms Battle. It is an active page administered by a woman who divorced a narcissist. Women and men gather and tell their story, offer advice and get support. All good things if you are careful about what kind of advice you choose to take especially when divorcing a narcissist.
Just because someone has experienced or is experiencing what you are, does not mean they have good advice to give. For example, last week a woman posted about her daughter not being able to get her driver's license because she didn't have an original copy of her birth certificate. The father had failed to order a copy.
The mother asked the Facebook community what she should do; she wanted to call him to let him know "she knew" about the situation. She wanted to cover her bases in case the situation over the driver's license came up in court. In my opinion, she was making a mountain out of a molehill. And she had plenty of women cheering her own in her belief that she could hold this father "responsible."
Below are just few of the 46 comments left that, quite frankly left me scratching my head.
"It IS his responsibility to obtain and have a certified copy of her birth certificate. It's just a fact. If you "have" to call him, state that and direct him (flatly, no emotion) to get one for his own files."
"Email him your thoughts. Remain as unemotional as possible. Just explain what he should do himself (get the birth certificate mailed to him by contacting her city of birth). Let him know in the email how you don't like getting calls from your daughter when she is hysterical and you expect him to handle situations that come up better in the future."
"Send her an email or call her and offer to order her a copy. Explain to her the process and that either Mom or Dad can access her vital records. Tell her to keep it in a safe place for future needs. When she's 30, let her know how you really feel about her asshole father."
Anyone with any knowledge knows that a narcissist doesn't follow through. They especially don't follow through if you tell them or cause them to think you need something. If you have experience in such a situation you should also know that the best kind of communication with a narcissist is no communication.
What can this mother do to keep down conflict and keep her daughter out of the middle? She can order a copy of the birth certificate, send it to the daughter and NEVER expect the narcissist behave responsibly or caring toward those who depend on them.
Lastly, whether this girl is 15 or 30 this is always going to be her father. Regardless of age it is never appropriate to tell your child their father is an "asshole." Not unless you want to turn into one yourself.