A few weeks ago my son came into my office, "Mom, let me show you a video. I think of Dad every time I hear it." He pulled up Youtube and Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. Have you ever listened to the lyrics?
"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know"
Ouch!! I'm a mother, I know how I feel about my ex's apparent disregard for our children's feelings and needs. I will never "walk a mile" in my son's shoes, never be able to comprehend the pain that comes with parental abandonment. I've been a witness to the suffering both of my sons have taken on due to their father's absence from their life. I wish, with all my heart that it was me who was doing the suffering instead of them.
They, in my opinion are too good to have ever been the recipients of such blatant dismissal. But aren't all boys? Boys who will grow to one day be daddies themselves have a right to daddies who set a positive example of how to father. Many, like my boys weren't taught by their fathers that they were worthy of love and concern. And it is important to understand, as I do from first-hand experience, that fathers who don't care do extreme harm to boys.
What happens to boys who don't get enough attention, time, acceptance, encouragement, tenderness, discipline, stability, security, guidance, love or wisdom from a father?
- They are two to three times as likely to seriously consider suicide.
- They are more likely to have mental health issues including anxiety, aggression, withdrawal, inattention, peer popularity, and impulse control and mood disorders.
- They have a higher incidence of major depressive episodes.
- They have problems establishing love relationships with girls.
- Their grades and school performance suffers putting them at risk of educational deficits.
- They are 10 times more likely to use drugs and 32 times more likely to run away from home.
- They have a higher risk of ending up in juvenile dentition or prison.
Fathers who find themselves contemplating leaving their children need to stop and think. Fathers may feel confusion, they may feel they can't deal with the constant reminders of what they lost due to divorce but they must never put their own discomfort before the needs of their sons. The simple fact is, boys need fathers and fathers need their boys.
Resources for Fathers:
A Father's Rights and Responsibilities During and After Divorce
How to Restore Your Relationship With Your Child
Have Your Children Been Alienated or Did You Behave Badly?
I cannot imagine ever not being involved in my kids’ life. But my ex husband does not see his girls but a few times a year. My 14 year old doesn’t even want to talk with him anymore and he doesn’t understand why. My 11 year old still wants to be involved with him and asks constantly if he has called but he doesn’t. It breaks my heart because one has anger and doesn’t want to be a part of his life and the other wants to and he doesn’t bother. These are 2 young girls that will never know a father’s love, being “daddy’s girl”, feeling that protection and guidance that girls come to understand from their father. Their grandfather lives with us and he has been more of a father figure than their father. It’s sad. I just can’t come to understand how you not be involved in your children’s lives.
Lisa,
Ever thought that it is kind of your responsibility as their mother to help them get their needs met with their absent father. Which means, maybe you should be the “adult” and pick up the phone to their father and hand it over to your daughters AND also, encourage them to use the phone to call him too. The phone works more than one way. Also, therapy options are good too when you are talking about alienation of a parent. How much do you “bad talk” your ex? That adds in it too. It is hard for fathers (and mothers) who are not the primary caregiver when there is a lot of that going on. Be honest with yourself. How much do you encourage it?
It disturbs me that you can place all the blame on someone you used to love and act like a victim in this way. I am sure your daughters learned from you. Help them get over it, act with love and kindness. Helping your daughters will help you in the future.
Beverly,
You sure are assuming a great deal about poor Lisa. You don’t know that she isn’t already doing all or at least some of what you mention. Your words were really harsh and unfeeling. Lisa is clearly voicing a pain that would be felt by even the most perfect and proactive divorced mother with an ex that is so self-centered. Way to be supportive.
Lisa,
I feel your pain. I have my kids in therapy, I do my best not to bad mouth my soon to be ex, and I encourage my kids to call him all the time. But, the truth is that the man is very self-absorbed and immature. He is busy setting up his new family. and has little to no time for the family he has discarded. There is no excusing it and there is no more that I can do to keep my children from that pain–and as a mother there is nothing I want more.
Know that by being the best and healthiest mother you can be for them, will give them the best opportunity to grow and flourish. Many great people have come from “broken” homes and many sad and useless people have been the product of “healthy and whole” families. You cannot feel your children’s pain for them nor take it away. Allow them to have it and they will be the stronger for it.
I wish you peace within and encourage you to continue to share your feelings despite fools suffered.
My dad is a troll.
I fit all the stereotypes to a tee.
Have been doing growth work for about 10 years and just made a breakthrough in “fear” as my core issue. I’m still in an uncomfortable part of that cleansing but aware that the disgust I hold for the rest of my family is only an appetizer to the feelings I have for my father.
Just trying to work through them now. Fear is the pervasive emotion and it bowled me over the other day. I’m grateful for the clear awareness but the flood of new emotions and insights is unpleasant and overwhelming.
Life is hard and this world sucks for most or all of us. Having a d-bag for a father is just another special treat that makes it all the more unbearable. Thankfully I know how to deal with my emotions and that is what I will do but if you’re listening, don’t have kids until you’re ready. Otherwise you’re going to have people out there that want you dead.
My ex husband and I had a tumultuous relationship and my son was very affected. He was out of his life for 10 months and my son had a lot of difficulty coping with that. My ex husband will not even speak to me to co parent our child and uses his girlfriend as a 3rd party for communication, I only share the bare minimum. My ex husband has told me many times in the past that if I don’t let him do what he wants he will sign over rights to my son. Currently he sees my son 1x per week and an occasional visit to relatives. My son needs more of a role model and I sympathize with anyone who has a child with limited parent involvement