1. People & Relationships
Cathy Meyer

Post-Divorce: Where Are You Now?

By February 18, 2013

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The number one reason for divorce is dissatisfaction or unhappiness in the marriage. I'm going to assume that folks who divorce for that reason do so, so they can move on to bigger and better relationships and life endeavors.

In a recent conversation with a therapist friend she said, "about two out of every ten of my clients who divorce claim to have a better life post-divorce. The rest move on to new relationships with the same old problems and the vast majority find that divorce didn't increase their level of happiness."

This got me wondering about readers who left low-conflict marriages that were less than pleasing to them in the hopes of finding something better. If this applies to you, I have a few questions.

What is your level of happiness since your divorce?

Have you found more success in subsequent relationships?

Did your divorce mean a positive change in work-life satisfaction?

Have you any regrets related to your divorce?

If your divorce has not led to a more satisfied life would you admit it?

February 25, 2013 at 2:36 pm
(1) samson says:

So each divorce is different, my comments below:

What is your level of happiness since your divorce?

happier than being married to someone who lied, cheated, and treated me not well. Kids grades have suffered. I am financially devastated, but I’d rather be alone than with someone who couldn’t see beyond themselves. New beginnings bring new opportunities.

Have you found more success in subsequent relationships?

really haven’t had time to be in serious relationship. To busy trying to be a good dad, and pay all the dang bills. might be a few years.

Did your divorce mean a positive change in work-life satisfaction?

Now I consider myself an indentured servant paying someone to sleep around. I cannot quit my job without more financial ruin. Actually I have to work much harder to try and keep saving for kids college funds because my lazy x sure won’t.

Have you any regrets related to your divorce?

I regret ever marrying my x. I regret not getting a divorce sooner with the first infidelity. I regret ever seeing a marriage counselor. I regret my divorce atty who was more interested in billable $ than helping his client. I regret our legal system because if I am a man apparently, in the eyes of the law, the woman gets the kids unless she is an immediate threat regardless of whom is the better parent is for the kids. I can bring home the bacon, I can cook it up in the pan, I can clean everything up and take good care of the kids, cause tha’ts the kind of man i am.

February 25, 2013 at 2:52 pm
(2) Lean says:

Agree with Sampson’s each and every word. In addtion, my X filed (in spite of her infidelity and all other nonsense) and our legal system was there to support her in each of her wish (Thank goodness). So the question of regret (for me) does not even arise. There was nothing that I could have done. In any case, if there is regret, it is that I married her. Of course I want to take responsibilty for marrying her.

February 25, 2013 at 5:52 pm
(3) Marie says:

No regrets, my life is better, I am happier and my kids are as well. I think the author of the article assumed many of those surveyed were in low conflict marriages. Where did those statistics come from? The two that commented before me do not seem to have been in low conflict marriages. But, then neither was I. Truth be told the divorce didn’t change me as a person and it didn’t change my ex . . . he is still angry , miserable and blames me for that and I am relieved to be done with that. Divorce is painful and the hardest thing I have had to do but we will all move on. And so to will the others. You create happiness and it isn’t easy but you have to or the resentment will eat you alive. I have lonely days but I was lonlier in my marriage. Feelings follow thoughts and you can control where your thoughts go and do not go to that bitter place. It’s hard believe me I have lots I could be bitter about but as the saying goes forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

February 25, 2013 at 10:27 pm
(4) Diane says:

Obviously these responders did not read the article closely. The questions were directed to people who left low-conflict marriages and whether those who left are happier. My husband left a 30 year low-conflict marriage & I would love to hear his answers to these questions. He left supposedly on a business trip to AZ & never came back. Instead our boys, aged 23, 25 & 28, & I received a letter from him telling us he had terminal prostate & pancreatic cancer & only had a few months to live & did not want us to have to watch him suffer. He said he was going to check into a hospice somewhere where we wouldn’t find him. A few painful weeks later we found out his “hospice” was a nice house on a golf course in AZ & his “caretaker” was his old high school sweetheart from FL. That was 2 years ago. So much for being terminally sick. Now the only one who keeps in touch with him is our youngest son & he missed our middle son’s wedding. Yeah, I’d love to know how happy he is now…

April 21, 2013 at 11:03 am
(5) Kay says:

I have been legally separated for 8 months. I suppose my relationship was low conflict. My husband had an affair for over a year with his former girlfriend, who had a disastrous life and I believe was looking for someone to “bail her out”. After 2 marriage counselors and continued lying and cheating, I had to move on. We have a 10 yr old son who is close to both of us so its not been easy. After my husband moved out and our agreement was in place, he wanted to reconcile. BUT, he continued contact with his girlfriend and advised me “if not me, it would be her.” Needless to say, i did not entertain a reconciliation. So while it is hard and I continue to sometimes think “If only..” I know I can’t go back. I continue to focus on the future. At least I have hope of a better tomorrow. And I don’t feel as if I am living a lie. As for my son he is doing ok and we try to keep things amicable, for his sake. But my heart still breaks for my son, as I know he so wishes he had an intact family. At least he will grow up knowing his mother is strong( and I sure am), and will NOT know a mother who shamefully accepts a life of lies and deceit. I have hope my son will still grow up happy. And I have hope that I can find happiness as well.

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