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Cathy Meyer

Blog Poll: Spying on a Cheating Spouse

By March 20, 2013

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I'm acquainted with a woman whose husband is cheating. He met a woman in a public place who was in distress. He offered her assistance and she took more than was offered, or more than was offered at that particular moment. I guess you could say he ended up giving her all he had to offer.

He disclosed his affair to his wife and promised to end it with the other woman. Fast forward a few weeks and the wife decides she is going to make sure he has ended the relationship. He was working a lot of over-time and this caused her to be suspicious.

One day when he was "at work" she dropped by for lunch. When she found that he was off that day she cruised by the other woman's home. And, yes, there he was. All hell broke loose!

There was an ugly confrontation between the three of them. The wife then gets on the cell phone and calls all their children, crying and sobbing she fills them in on the details of their fathers "detestable" behavior.

Within a few days the children were no longer speaking to their father. The father had moved out of the marital home and in with the other woman. My friend spends her days crying under the covers and has no insight into how her actions took a bad situation and made it worse.

Do you suspect your spouse of cheating? Do you know he has cheated and want to make sure the affair has ended? Are you thinking about spying on your spouse to try to confirm your suspicions? There are things you should take into consideration before you begin your quest to find out if your spouse is cheating or continuing to cheat.

First, are you ready for the conflict that will occur when your spouse finds out you have been spying on him/her? You should expect your spouse to be upset, to accuse you of not trusting them and to deny their own actions in favor of trying to make you feel guilty for spying. A cheater will put responsibility for their actions point blank off onto you. Spying and chasing only gives them ammunition in blaming you instead of taking responsibility.

Secondly, certain forms of "spying" are illegal. There are state and federal laws that regulate the use of surveillance equipment, recording devices and Internet software. You should become familiar with your state's laws before you go full steam ahead with any sort of covert spying behavior.

Lastly, you should consider the consequences of spying and the possibility that, like my friend tracking and following a cheating spouse only compounds the problem.

June 12, 2007 at 9:34 pm
(1) ed says:

When i accidentally get an e-mail sent to me that the other guy intended for my wife, I confront her and she sets up a secret e-mail account on my home network Server, which I own, when there are three other PC’s in the finsihed area of the house and she is using the file server, that was not right. Then when she began to treta me with contempt after returning from a 2 month assignment and will not let me touch her I got worried. She kept walking to a remote area of the basement and I think she wanted to be caught. She ran down there one morning before her an my son went to see her sister for the weekend and I clikced on Hotmail’s save e-mail address and password botton the night before. I opened her e-mail account and it was used for a single purpose. She could have at a minimum an online affair with her married male coworker. When I read how she was planning to divorce me, lied and slandered me and was trying to manipulate that other guy to leave his wife i let it go, but i warned him I knew. For the next 5 nights she went downstairs to check her e-mail and since he stopped writing would emerge from the back room shortly thereafter. Then she asked me to take our son to the store and she never does this. I setup a keylogger and that last e-mail was an ultimatum to him that their friendship was over, but she also desired a closer relationship with him. I also got the keystrokes and the deleted words and that was the ugly one. I confronted her the next day and she filed for divorce two days later.

June 13, 2007 at 12:11 am
(2) Lorrie Cadena says:

I found out when my husband walked out on his family after 25 years of marriage that he had been cheating almost the entire time. Had I known beforehand, I would have never continued in the marriage. It was not a one time thing but several trysts and long term committments especially to one woman who was also married with 2 children. After he left, he continued to email them during the time he came over to the house to visit our children. When I checked the emails (the kids told me he was always on the computer), I found out all about everything. He had also downloaded some nasty, nasty pornographic material that popped up when my youngest was on line. While I realize there are some things that we all keep private, when it ruins a long term marriage and ultimatley ends up hurting the kids, I think it is well justified to find out, via spying. Since my spouse found out I knew, he has tried all sorts of ways to get back at me. Why you ask? That’s the million dollar question. I truly believe he is so upset that I found out his game, he need to get back at me in some way as I’m sure he blames me for his infidelity. Thanks for letting me voice my opinion.

June 14, 2007 at 1:32 pm
(3) Cathy Meyer says:

Ed, thanks for the comment. It sounds as if your wife was in panic mode over her relationship with this other man. Someone in her frame of mind can cause a lot of pain for all involved. Her ultimatum to him says she wanted what she wanted no matter who got harmed.

I’m wondering how it all ended for her. Did she get the relationship she wanted with the other man? Will she ever stop to think about the harm she did to his family and her own?

June 14, 2007 at 1:38 pm
(4) Cathy Meyer says:

“I truly believe he is so upset that I found out his game, he need to get back at me in some way as Iím sure he blames me for his infidelity.”

This seems to be a common response Lorrie. No one knows why he feels the need to be angry at you over something he did. There could be a dozen reasons. I guess it is just esier for some to shift the blame than to take responsibility.

I’m sorry your marriage ended and for the pain your husband’s infidelities caused you and your children. Maybe that is why he is so angry. Deep inside he knows he hurt people who didn’t deserve it.

August 23, 2008 at 1:48 am
(5) Steve Johansson says:

One way to determine if your lover is cheating on you is if the internet browser history is always cleared. that’s just as bad as flicking the monitor off when the other party walks in the room:

April 13, 2009 at 11:18 pm
(6) Jim says:

I have done many searches for wives cheating on husbands, but I haven’t realy found any. This seams to be the only site to listen.The first thing I have to say is 95% of affairs each person knows the others involvement with others. My wife had an affair for 7 months whjch I thought was because of me. then i found out she cheated on him also.Well about 2 years have passed and I think it’s happening again. Should i leave this time?

December 11, 2009 at 10:30 am
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May 26, 2010 at 1:47 pm
(8) AmennaLom says:

I’m having real problems clipping my birds nails, I cant seem to get a good pair of clippers to do the job, because their nails are so small. I have tried a “Pedi-perch” in the cage but they don’t use it. Does anyone have any tips on nail clipping and which clippers to use? And please don’t tell me to go to a vets, I’ve been shown how to do it by a vet, I’m just trying to get the hang of doing it myself.

September 30, 2011 at 6:42 am
(9) cheating spouses says:

it is easy to catch cheating spouses by just following your instinct. It will tell you what to do and where to go to catch your partner on the act of cheating.

September 5, 2012 at 12:52 am
(10) lisa says:

my future husband claims that he is not cheating he works nights and i work during the day we do not have the same schedules because he is in school during the day he claims he is not cheating but there are things that dont add up. Also claims that if he ever finds someone else he would tell me and it would be over instead of cheating but all of a sudden we live together for 5 years and he goes randomly to go to a clinic to get tested claims a friend of his has herpes and scared him so he wants to check it out i get checked very 6 months cause i have a high cancer rate in my families history but what should i believe about this situation ?

September 11, 2012 at 3:59 pm
(11) Too Lost says:

we have been together 26 years. Husband cheated 7 years ago, one night stand. He didn’t finish counselling, too hard to talk about his life growing up. I just found out he is sexting with a woman he met at neighbors. He says nothign physical happened (she lives 7 hours away). Family is devistated. Im a wreck. I love him and hate him at same time. I was thinking about trying to make it work if he is telling the truth (lie detector service) and he attends counselling until the counsellor clears him/us.

Am i just being a fool?

March 25, 2013 at 1:12 am
(12) RRM123 says:

In hindsight – I don’t regret spying. I only regret not having a firm plan for what I would or would not accept when confronting the cheater and getting drawn into a cat and mouse game. The latter being a serious detriment to time and emotional health.

By the time it occurred to me to spy – I already intuitively knew what was going on. I spied because I needed to know for how long and how badly I had been deceived. I was desperate to get some control over a life that was spinning out of control.

Confronting her simply trained her to be more covert and also armed her with a text book example of a controlling behavior to throw back at me.

I learned that the difference between a controlling behavior and a controlling personality – is that my spying was temporary – but her cruelty and abuse was and is ongoing.

April 15, 2013 at 11:44 pm
(13) Paddy says:

I can’t imagine anything worse than that happening. It’s one thing to be suspicious but another to actually catch the partner out.

As you quite rightly say Cathy, if you’re going to spy on your partner which is probably to confirm your suspicions, are you prepared for the “what now”. Is it confrontation and if it is are you prepared for that to be hostile or for words to be said that may not actually be meant but rather said in the heat of the moment? What road are you prepared for – I think at best it’s going to be rocky.

Thank you for a thought provoking article!

April 16, 2013 at 3:30 pm
(14) Mary says:

My husband of 20 years has been going to the same massage therapist for about 4 years. I had no reason to be suspicious until I accidently saw a sext message in his phone and it wasn’t to me. SO, naturally I was curious what else was there so I listened to messages to him and looked at messages he sent and received. They were all from his massage therapist. In the voice msgs she told him ‘I love you’ at the end of each msg. I confronted him and he denied anything going on. He continued to go for his appts. Then one day he said his marriage was more important than a massage and he wouldn’t go back. That was 6 months ago and the phone calls and the massages have begun again. I have not let on that I know anything yet. I am gathering information. How can I be certain what is really going on behind the closed doors of the massage therapist? Some of you men need to comment what you think is going on. Am I in denial?

June 13, 2013 at 1:06 am
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