9 Signs Someone Wants a Relationship But May Be Afraid

Starting a new relationship is always a little stressful. Even if everything is going well, you may not be able to tell what your potential partner wants unless they flat-out tell you. Of course, that sounds ideal—but if you ask about where things are going too early, you run the risk of stirring the pot when you have a good thing going. But the signs that he wants a relationship but is too scared to commit are there, and you're worried about spinning your wheels: You may feel like you can't tell what they want because, on the one hand, they initiate incredibly deep conversations, but on the other, they want to hang out only once a week after months of going out. If that sounds familiar, we may be able to help you figure out what's going on here.

You might be seeing someone who wants to be in a relationship with you, but are a little too afraid to pull the trigger because of something that happened in his or her past. Fortunately, there are a few key signs to look out for when deciding if someone is into you, but is scared to take it further, say psychologist Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., and Sherrie Sims Allen, Ph.D., a depth psychologist and life coach.

Ahead, nine important signs to look out for when someone is into you, but that they may be scared to make the first move.

They Like the Idea of a Relationship More Than You

It's a harsh reality, but it's true: Some people like the idea of a relationship, but aren't entirely sold on the person they're dating. "Although they enjoy their relationship and can see a future with their current partner, they are not ready to carve out dedicated time and space for that person right now," says Sims Allen. "They are fascinated by the idea of sharing space with a significant other or travel and spending quality time with a special person. But on a deeper level, they can take the relationship or leave it."

You're Their First Real Partner

The person you're seeing might adore you—and even see a future with you—but if they are completely new to the dating game (or getting back into it after a prolonged break), they might still be figuring things out, says Sims Allen. "They are learning the new rules of engagement," she says. "If they are not eager to take the relationship to the next level and move towards a committed relationship, they might need more time to get familiar with the new rules of dating."

They Regularly Talk About Working on Themselves

A lot of people really do want to take the next step, and have done the work to ensure they're ready when they meet someone they like—and if they regularly bring this up, they might be wondering if you've done the same. "They have done a lot of personal expansion or introspective work before starting their new relationship," says Sims Allen. "Many are afraid to partner with anyone who looks good at first glance, but may not have done similar introspective work.

They Always Keep Things Light

Feel like you can never breach a prospective partner's surface? Do you ask them personal, intimate questions that are quickly deflected? This might be an intentional defense mechanism that indicates a person's hesitance to commit, explains Sims Allen. She points to one of her coaching clients: "She prefers to enjoy relationships in the moment, but not beyond the short-term for fear of the person not wanting to [pursue] a long-term relationship," she explains. "Her strategy is to keep things light and to avoid putting to many expectations on the relationship."

They Pull Away When Things Get Serious

Or perhaps you may be having a deep conversation, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, after a few minutes of a meaningful back and forth, they change the subject to something much more surface-level. Now that you're talking about something a bit frivolous, they seem much more comfortable. This probably really confuses you, because you can see that they are capable (and willing) to take things to a deeper level—but they don't like to be there for long.

Fireside suggests that when someone is too scared to get involved, they'll often try to offset these deep moments of emotional intimacy by pulling away and acting more distant.

They've Been Hurt Before

Unless you ended up with your high school sweetheart, chances are, you've been hurt, too. You may feel frustrated because if you can move on after a heartbreak, they should be able to, as well. However, everyone experiences emotional pain differently, so patience is key.

Think about it: If their last partner cheated on them, they might have let that experience really burn them, so that they don't end up with someone else who will do the same thing. Even though they may know that you'd never hurt them, they can't help but keep their walls up for protection. "Old, negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new," Fireside explains. "We may steer away from intimacy because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger, or rejection."

They Don't Want to Go on Dates

When someone wants a relationship with you but is too scared, they'll look to spend time with you in ways that don't seem like actual dates. For instance, instead of taking the lead and asking you out for dinner and drinks, they may say, "Hey, I'm in your neighborhood. Are you free for drinks in an hour?" This way, they don't risk any feelings of rejection. "The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment," Firestone admits.

They're Vague About the Future

When someone is too scared to get involved on a deeper level, they will often choose to dodge or deflect questions about a future with you and remain more detached. For instance, if you want to take a weekend getaway in a few weeks, they may seem super interested, but won't help you lock down an actual weekend to go.

"A new relationship is uncharted territory, and most of us have natural fears of the unknown. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk," adds Firestone. "We are placing a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel exposed and vulnerable." If they aren't ready for those kinds of feelings, they will keep you at bay for as long as they can.

They Move Really Slowly

Relationships can develop at different paces, but if you notice that your potential partner is taking things very slowly, they may be subtly telling you they're scared to jump into a relationship with you. They may keep stringing you along without giving you any clear indicator of what they want or where your relationship is headed. For instance, when you've been seeing them for months, but they haven't introduced you to any of their friends, it might be time to have a chat.

A slower pace isn't always an indicator that a relationship is doomed before it starts, though. Your partner may be moving slowly to make sure you complements each other and are a true match. "If you notice they are not rushing to next steps, find out if there are still unanswered questions or concerns, like does this person help to bring out the best in me?" says Sims Allen. "They also might understand that it takes time to know someone on a mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, as well as a physical level. Are you compatible as a couple? Most singles today are not willing to risk a 'love at first sight' scenarios given their past relationship ouches."