My Thoughts On The Subject:
Hi Lance,
We may have to agree to disagree as far as passive aggressive behavior being a form of covert abuse. I would like to explain my belief that it is such if you don't mind.
Passive aggressive behavior is not only covert abuse towards your wife but also towards yourself. It is a behavior that keeps you or anyone attached to you from forming a deep bond.
Being involved in a relationship with someone with passive aggressive behaviors feels like you are being frozen out of their life emotionally and physically. Not only does that harm your wife but, it harms you and the relationship. The passive aggressive doesn't intentionally abuse the person they love. It is the defense mechanisms they have built up that do the harm...not the person themselves.
"my intention is not to hurt, abuse or cause ill will. Honestly it isn’t. It’s case of not being able to effectively express emotions. All emotions need an outlet, both the positive and negative ones. How do you express the negatives with out causing resentments? That has been my path to this disorder. And I’m quite sure other people have taken the same path, before me and after me."
You are able to identify negative emotions when you feel them but fear expressing them because you fear your wife will resent you. That fear that you feel is the crux of the problem. It is what makes a passive aggressive, passive aggressive.
We all need to be in relationships where we feel safe expressing both positive and negative emotions. The passive aggressive learns that it is not safe to express negative emotions. To rid yourself of the passive aggressive behavior you have to get rid of that fear.
You need to learn that when your wife ask you how you feel on a certain subject that she really wants to know how you feel. She may not like how you feel and may react with some anger or negative emotions of her own BUT that is how relationships survive. Both sides getting their negative emotions out and finding solutions to problems.
Have you talked to your wife and told her that you are afraid that if you express negative emotions she will resent it? If not you need to talk to her. You need to tell her that you need to feel safe in expressing those negative emotions. You need to tell her that you fear her leaving you if you express negative emotions. You need to tell her that you need her to help you learn that expressing negative feelings is safe. Your recovery something you AND your wife are going to have to be a part of.
"My wife compares me with her first husband. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic."
How does it make you feel when your wife compares you to her first husband? Alcoholics and drug addicts make a conscious choice to take another drink or do more drugs. They put thought into, weigh their options and are fully aware of the consequences of drinking and drugging before they do it again.
The passive aggressive does not make a conscious choice to behave the way they do. Their behavior is learned from years of conditioning and is second nature to them. Very few people who love their spouse are going to consciously do something that is emotionally harmful to them. I don't see a connection to a drug addict or alcoholic and a passive aggressive at all. The behaviors may seem similar but the motivations behind those behaviors are different.
I wish you well Lance. I'm glad my article got through and hope that you will soon be able to throw it in the trash and start living life without the need of those defense mechanisms that have built up. Please keep in touch...if you wish.
Lance’s Response:
Hi Cathy,
Your letter was concise and hit the nail on the head. Every thing in it was truthful and extremely well stated. It explained a lot to me and it’s honesty made my eyes well up. I’m glad I’m getting help. I’m glad I reached out to you.
Lance
