Character traps, as defined by Dr. Mark Banschick are “a construct that can provide something to hang your hat on, because they make sense. People who have dropped into a character trap are potentially dangerous because they (like Personality Disorders) are not vulnerable, as a rule, to ambivalence. This can be disastrous to the healthier spouse in a divorce. If an un-ambivalent person is in a conflict with a person who is more open minded, it can be very bad for the healthier person.”
What exactly does this mean? In a nutshell, if you are emotionally healthy and wish to come to an agreement during the divorce process that is best for all concerned, you will have an uphill battle if your ex takes on the role of the victim.
The Victim:
This character trap is dominated by the certainty and injustice of being wronged. She/he believes that she/he lost precious years with you or that you are unfit to have anything to do with the children, because of what you’ve done. Victims are paradoxically ruthless in victimizing anyone who they believe hurt them. They have a powerful sense of justice and self righteousness. They also work from a kernel of truth, which makes their claims that much more powerful; this can be conscious and manipulative or more deeply unconscious and even, psychotic.
“I have seen terrible things done in the name of victim hood. If you are dealing with any character trap, therapy is a must, so you have a chance to objectively decide how to stay safe and have a shot at having a relationship with your children. Many perpetrators of parent alienation have these features. Victims, paradoxically, can have a lot of power. They are often supported by family, attorneys, and even therapists, who fail to see that there is another side to the story” says Dr. Banschick.
Case Example: Katy and Frank’s Story
After 14 years of marriage Frank decided he wanted a divorce. Frank had always been overly concerned with how others viewed him as a person. He put a lot of effort into being seen as a “nice guy” who went out of his way to help others.
Frank feared that people would stop viewing him in a favorable manner if he filed for divorce so, to keep from spoiling the image he had worked so hard to maintain he needed to revise the history of the marriage and turn Katy into an abusive, demonic wife that he had no choice but to leave.
Katy was devastated by Frank’s desire for a divorce but being the fair-minded person she was, knew that she had no choice but to give him what he wanted. Since Frank and Katy had two children Katy’s main concern was splitting the family with as little conflict as possible and in a way that did not leave them all destitute.
What Katy didn’t realize was that the man she knew, the husband who had always been kind and considerate was no longer interested in anything other than maintaining his image and he would do that at the expense of all involved.
Frank hired a high priced attorney, began telling everyone who would listen that Katy had spent years physically and verbally abusing him. He went to their children’s school and told the teachers and counselors that he feared for his children’s safety because Katy was violent and suffered from psychological problems.
Frank then went to Katy’s family and attempted to draw them into his lies and distortion of what had happened during the marriage. When that didn’t work he started telling his children his skewed view of the marriage in an attempt to alienate them from their mother.
Katy who had been a stay-at-home mother was left with no money after Frank had his direct deposit re-directed to a new bank account. Frank refused to communicate with her in person or via email about the situation. When Katy asked him how she was supposed to support the children his only response was, “you can starve to death for all I care.”
Katy and Frank’s divorce was final within 9 months; however they spent 8 years post-divorce in and out of court because Frank refused to follow the divorce court order. In Frank’s opinion Katy had abused him and he owed her nothing. Since the children lived with Katy, if felt no moral obligation to provide for them either.
Katy would take Frank to court for contempt of the divorce court order and win. Frank would once again defy the court order. The judge would threaten to throw Frank in jail but his narcissistic belief that he was justified in thwarting the law and his ability to pay expensive attorneys worked in Frank’s favor every time.
It has been 12 years since Frank and Katy divorced. Today Frank is remarried, lives on a large farm with his second wife and has a successful real estate business. He has had minimal contact with his children over the years. But, he is happy in his new life, successful in his business and all who know him think of him as being a genuinely kind man who has been unjustly rejected by his children and “taken to the cleaners” by an abusive ex-wife. Frank is still playing the victim!
Katy and her two children haven’t recovered as well as Frank. Katy works two jobs, is in treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and still wonders what happened to the man she shared so many years of her life with.
Franks children are adults now. His older son managed to get through college with hefty student loan debt and no help from his father. His younger son became involved with drugs and was hospitalized twice for anger management issues. Katy and both her boys are still in therapy and will be for years to come.
Katy and Frank’s story illustrates a point I’ve often attempted to make with divorce clients: To effectively navigate the divorce process a person must be empowered both emotionally and legally. Making smart decisions, ones that will protect you during a divorce means knowing who you are dealing with. You can’t expect the person who is divorcing you to continue to behave like the person you were married to.
Katy made the mistake of expecting Frank to be as fair-minded as she. After clear evidence that Frank was only interested in hurting her Katy continued to make excuses for his behavior and try to negotiate the issues with him.
What Katy discovered during her divorce was that Frank’s need to play the victim gave him more power than her need to be fair. I’ve often wondered what life would be like for her today if she had realized that there is no justice to be had when going up against someone like Frank.
If you find yourself in a similar situation I suggest you measure the importance of financial support against that of your emotional health. At times the best route to take is to cut your losses and move on. If you are lucky, the “victim” will allow you to do just that.
