During divorce, many people find they have to deal with divorce advice given by others. Even though divorce does not carry the social stigma that it did in 1950’s or 1960’s, some people will still feel they have a right to voice their opinion to you about your divorce. So how do you respond?
Some people are genuinely concerned.They may ask if you are sure this is the right move. Family usually falls into this category because they are worried about how this will affect you, your finances, your children, and your future. People in this category need to be reassured that even though you may need some support from those who love you, you know you will be able to handle whatever changes the divorce may bring.
Some people judge you because they are jealous.Although it seems strange that some people could be jealous of a person getting divorced, it is common. People may be in bad marriages themselves and feel like a martyr by staying in it. Coming from the place of being a martyr makes them feel freer to judge others. They may say things like, “Well, what about your vows? I stayed in my marriage even though it was hard.” The best way to handle this type of person is to be assertive but firm. You can say something like, “I understand that you feel that was the best choice for you, but each situation is different, and I have to decide what is best for me.”
Some people may believe divorce is just wrong.
Some may pass moral judgment on you because you are getting divorced. This could be a result of a strong religious base, or a strong moral platform they have taken that divorce is wrong in all situations. Each person has to decide whether or not divorce is the solution for themselves and their spouse. This type of person is probably the most difficult to deal with. It is best to say firmly that you respect their beliefs, but you feel there are no easy answers when it comes to divorce, and you will make your decisions yourself the best way you can for all concerned.
Some may judge you because of rumors they have heard about the divorce.Divorce is a hot topic of gossip, and you may find yourself talked about by people at work or in other social situations. You may find that rumors of infidelity or abuse are being spread. If others approach you about rumors they have heard, it is your decision whether you feel close enough to that person to give them any explanations. If you feel it is actually none of their business, you have to say that firmly, without being rude. An assertive way to phrase it might be, “My divorce is a very private matter to me, and I don’t want to feel that I have to explain it to other people who are not involved.”
Some may say they are worried about your children and the effect a divorce may have on them.One woman reported a co-worker commenting that she was “ruining her children’s lives.” This is best handled with a statement that no one knows your children’s needs better than you and that, as a parent, you will always make decisions that affect them with much consideration, but that the decision is yours to make.
People can sometimes seem to come out of the woodwork with divorce advice. It is up to you to set firm boundaries on what you will and will not discuss when it comes to your personal life. Don’t feel you have to make excuses to anyone. You are an adult and, as such, have the right to make your own decisions free from the judgments of others who have not walked in your shoes. Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Be strong and assertive and others will realize they need to stay out of it and let you live your own life.
