Should you stay married for the sake of your children? In my opinion, yes. I believe that as parents we all have a moral and ethical obligation to put the needs of our children before our needs.
If you are in a low conflict marriage, one in which there is no domestic abuse or chemical abuse taking place it is your responsibility to provide your children with an intact family. Research has proven that divorce has a strong negative impact on children.
Children of divorce are likely to experience:
- Behavioral problems,
- Emotional problems,
- Drug Addiction,
- Problems in school,
- And failed marriages of their own
Of course, the same can be said for children who live in a tense, angry and loveless home. That is why I stress the idea of keeping a “low conflict” marriage intact. If you and your husband are able to get alone, treat each other with respect and mirror a kind and civil relationship to your children they will fare better in life than they would in a divorce or high conflict situation.
According to Michele Weiner-Davis, “Unless you understand that marriage doesn't make people happy, you will spend the rest of your life trading in marital partners for new ones. Happiness is a do-it-yourself job; you can't rely on another person to fulfill you.”
In most cases of divorce the main reason given for wanting a divorce is, “I’m not happy with my wife/husband.” What’s missing is the understanding that, until you are happy with yourself you won’t find happiness in any relationship. It is not a spouse’s job to make us happy; it is our job to find happiness within.
I have a friend whose husband told her shortly after marriage, “It is not my job to make you happy.” This was after months of her nagging about one thing after another. She though marriage would solve all her problems, the stars would shine brighter at night and he would be at her beck and call. When faced with the reality of what marriage really is…a lot of work, she became disillusioned.
It is this kind of disillusionment by parents that cause children to have to suffer the negative consequences of their divorce. When thinking about a divorce parents ponder the consequences of such an action on themselves. They discuss the possibility of divorce with each other and what that will mean for them. Rarely during a discussion or pondering do parents consider the consequences to their children.
I urge you to make your children your fist consideration if you are thinking about divorce. Discuss with your spouse the impact a divorce will have on your children. And, ask yourself the questions below before taking a step that will shake to the very core your children’s security.
- Are my children aware of their parent’s marital problems?
- Do my children feel safe and secure in their home?
- Would my children be surprised or hurt should we divorce?
- Which is more important, my happiness or my children’s happiness and emotional well-being?
There is a myth that children are resilient and that they somehow are highly concerned with their parents happiness. Talk to any child and you will learn that children, as they should be are concerned with their own happiness.
If a child is part of a low conflict family they are not putting any thought into how happy their parents are. They are too busy playing with friends, engaging in school activities and living a routine they are probably perfectly happy living.
As a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure your children continue to live with the security an intact family offers. I suppose the most important question you can ask yourself if considering divorce is, “do I ask my children to sacrifice their happiness so that I can be happy?”
Hopefully most parents will find that question easy to answer.
