I’ve been divorced for twelve years. During that time I’ve watched my ex husband make mistake after mistake when it came to his post divorce relationship with our children. I can’t write from his perspective but I can give you an idea of what it all looks like from my side of the fence.
Hopefully I’ve learned enough about men and the process of divorce over the last twelve years to be able to pass on tips that will help you, the husband and father navigate the divorce process and come out the other side unscathed.
Tips for Dads Going Through Divorce:
Educate Yourself: Knowledge about every aspect of the divorce process is key. Not only should you familiarize yourself with the divorce laws of your state but you should also arm yourself with information that will help you help your children.
Most people concern themselves with the legal aspect of divorce first. They buy into the myth that children are resilient and in doing so put their children’s needs on the back burner during the divorce process. Although important, how the divorce process affects you legally is not as important as how it will affect your children and your relationship with them.
Openly Communicate: The relationship you have with your soon to be ex wife will determine how adversarial the divorce process becomes. People who are able to treat each other civilly navigate the divorce process more smoothly. Emotional pain can cloud our judgment and it can also be a determining factor regarding the kind of life you will live post divorce. Check your anger and be respectful!
When your children ask questions about the divorce respond. Children lose trust in a parent when that parent refuses to validate their feelings or share their concerns. Hold your child when he/she cries, tell them you understand whether you agree with what they are feeling or not.
It isn’t uncommon for a child to take side, to favor one parent over the other during a divorce. They experience, confusion, fear and anger just as anyone going through a divorce. For this reason your child may say hurtful things out of a lack of understanding. Allowing your child to vent his/her feelings about the divorce may be painful but doing so means you are building trust. A child who trusts a parent also values their relationship with that parent. Always remain a parent your child can trust.
Be Willing to Negotiate: Not only will you need to negotiate the legal aspects of your divorce but you will then spend many years having to negotiate with your ex wife and your children. Negotiation during the divorce process can keep you out of divorce court. Using a mediator and doing what is fair to all concerned is an investment you will be rewarded for moving forward after the divorce.
As far as your children are concerned there will be court ordered visitation. Regardless of what type child custody you get, there will be times you are expected to visit with and spend time with your child. Make those times a priority! The best outcome for your children will be equal time with both parents. Make setting up a home with room for your children and showing the court that you are able to provide a secure home environment your main goal. If you are not able to get 50/50 custody and have to live by a court ordered visitation agreement be able to negotiate time spent with your children, with your children.
As children age they are less interested in time with their parents. When your children reach their teen years and want to spend more time with friends than with Dad, don’t take it personally. Work out a schedule with them and negotiate whatever time you can get. A child not wanting to be around parents in not a reflection on the parents it is a reflection on the child and their natural need to broaden their horizons.
Be Open to Therapy: Last but not least never rule out the option of seeking professional help with the stress of your divorce. You won’t find many men browsing the self-help isles of a bookstore; most tend to keep their feelings to themselves and not do much navel gazing. Not a bad way to be but not healthy either when trying to navigate adversity.
Professional counseling during and after divorce either alone or with your children is a good way to help you and they process your emotions and build a bond that will help you all in your new lives ahead.
