When each of my three sisters divorced, my mother made the same comment. “Divorce is like a death in the family.”
Holiday gatherings are no longer the same, the dynamic has shifted and everyone must adjust. Human beings are designed for relationships, whether it is that of a friend, lover, parent or child. When those relationships end, the deep roots are not cast aside with the signing of a court document. It often takes months or even years to truly move on.
Let’s look at some of the phases you may experience.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
- Numbness
- Disorganization (caused by intense emotional suffering).
Are you or have you experienced some or all of these?
While these phases are usually associated with death, they can hold just as true for divorce. Grief and grieving are processes that each human being experiences and not only in the death of a loved one. We grieve for lost love, for what could or should have been. We grieve for the loss of a family dynamic, a familiar family unit. The parting that takes place in divorce can often times be as final as death.
You may be surprised by the long, arduous journey of emotions that you are experiencing, the seemingly insurmountable mountains and endless valleys.
There is no right or wrong way to work through your individual emotional phases. Being aware that they are there and giving them validation, often times will move you farther along your unique path of grief. Be prepared for unexpected reoccurrences in the future, months or even years after you believed that you were through with it, and had moved beyond the reach of the pain.
These flashback events are most often triggered by important life events, such as the graduation or marriage of a child, moving from a home with strong emotional ties, the birth of a child or grandchild, or the death of a loved one. It is generally believed that our painful memories are all stored in the same part of the brain, so a new one can open the floodgates to old memories and the accompanying pain of grief and loss. We can be taken completely by surprise, as the agonizing memories come crashing back like massive emotional Tsunamis.
By expecting these occasional relapses and remembering that there is not a completion date to grief, you allow your emotions to flow through the stages at their individual pace. Also, realize that you may revisit a phase you thought you were finished with many times, and that is okay. Your mind knows what it needs and will process the information continually until it reaches some level of acceptance, allowing you to move beyond the grief and turn the first page on the new chapter in your life.
Allow yourself validation for your pain and grief and distance yourself from those who undermine your progress. You are a unique person and your suffering, coping and moving skills are as individual as you are. That is the way we were made.
Life is a journey, not a destination, and we move forward one step at a time.
