Is Your Spouse Having a Midlife Crisis?

Whether they’re 35 or 65, here are the signs and causes to look out for.

Middle-aged man and woman putting their arms around one another while standing on a path lined with trees where the sun is peeking through

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You’ve probably heard the cliché that a midlife crisis causes someone to buy a new sports car or have an affair—but there’s a lot more to this transitional time than meets the eye. A midlife crisis is an emotionally uncomfortable period in a middle-aged person’s life, whether they’re 35 or 65, that prompts individuals to evaluate themselves, their lives, and their existence. Those going through this existential dilemma often feel intense dissatisfaction with their life decisions and take drastic measures to remedy it, such as moving to a new city or abusing substances. 

Meet the Expert

Yasmine Saad is an award-winning licensed clinical psychologist with 15 years of experience. She’s also the founder and CEO of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York City and an international bestselling author.

Watching your spouse go through this difficult time can be a confusing and lonely experience for you. Not to mention, it can put a strain on your marriage. If you think your partner is having a midlife crisis but you aren’t certain, we asked Yasmine Saad, a licensed clinical psychologist, to list the signs to look out for and unpack common causes that trigger this difficult period. We also suggest ways to help your partner navigate this period of change.

Read on to discover if your spouse is having a midlife crisis.

The Definition of a Midlife Crisis

A midlife crisis refers to a phase in a middle-aged person’s life (usually between the ages of 35 to 65), where they experience a period of existential self-evaluation as they find themselves at the crossroads between youth and old age. Saad explains that this type of crisis often manifests after individuals reflect on their lives and find dissatisfaction with at least one aspect of it. They also have a firm grasp of mortality and the fleeting nature of life. 

According to Saad, a midlife crisis usually develops over the course of a three-part process. First, an individual realizes that a large portion of their life has already passed, so they feel compelled to find more fulfillment and attain a sense of accomplishment. After acknowledging that something is missing in their life, they experience a great deal of distress, which leads to an abrupt shift in their emotional or external world. To alleviate the uncertainty and discontentment, these people tend to act out in uncharacteristic and impulsive ways, from tweaking their daily routine to drastically updating their belief system, and feel intense emotions, such as frustration or irritability.

Does Everyone Have a Midlife Crisis?

The short answer: No, not everyone will experience a midlife crisis. When individuals reach middle age, it’s natural for many of them to review their lives and have a better understanding of what they’re missing. Upon this reflection, some might feel unhappy with the trajectory of their lives, but not everyone will experience intense distress or feel a sense of urgency to take action and change—the key criteria involved in bringing about a midlife crisis. “To have a midlife crisis, you need to be misaligned with at least one part of your life,” Saad explains. “For example, you lived a life not aligned with your true desires and wishes or you focused on accomplishing certain goals and are now realizing that other things are more important, requiring a total shift in one’s way of living life.”

Middle-aged woman and middle-aged man dressed in cream attire hugging one another in the kitchen

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Signs Your Spouse Is Having a Midlife Crisis

If you think your spouse is having a midlife crisis, there are certain signs to look out for. Read on for the key indicators that your partner is going through this distressing period.

Feeling a Need for Adventure and Change

Those experiencing a midlife crisis often attempt to find fulfillment by seeking out adventure and making drastic changes—even if they’re on the younger end of the spectrum at 35 years old. While some of these actions are harmless, like traveling to a new country, others can have negative consequences for your marriage, whether it’s having an affair or increasing alcohol and drug use. However, if your spouse makes gradual changes in realistic ways, they’ll have more success at reaching their goal of improving their life.

Exhibiting Feelings of Deep Sadness

If your spouse is having a midlife crisis, they’ll usually experience and express feelings of sadness. During this period, people often harp on missed opportunities in their lives and the negative aspects of the past and present, which makes it difficult to acknowledge the good that has happened. By focusing on everything that’s gone wrong or that’s lacking, your spouse will likely feel unhappy. Sometimes, these emotions can affect your partner’s relationship or get in the way of carrying out daily tasks. If that’s the case, encourage them to seek professional help. 

Questioning Long-Held Beliefs

It’s completely healthy for your spouse to explore new thoughts and ideas, but fully updating their belief system could signify that they’re having a midlife crisis. For instance, perhaps your significant other has always believed that they need to work hard to make a living, support their family, and feel fulfilled. After evaluating their life and comprehending their mortality, they might decide that their career won’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things, which could cause them to abruptly quit their job. 

Having Trouble Concentrating

An inability to concentrate is a common sign that your spouse is having a midlife crisis. Your partner might be tired of or bored by their daily routine, whether it’s their work responsibilities or their household chores. This can cause the person to daydream about what life could have been like if they chose another route. Ruminating on the past may make it difficult for them to concentrate on the task in front of them or be an attentive partner to you.

Changes in Ambition

After your spouse evaluates their past, they might feel more motivated to make changes in their life. Your partner may buy a new house or work toward getting promoted at work, for example, in order to compensate for the perceived shortcomings in their life. On the other hand of the spectrum, as your significant other questions the purpose of life, they could also feel less motivated to achieve their goals.

Expressing Anger and Blame

When your partner experiences a midlife crisis, their mental, emotional, or outside world is drastically changing. They might feel like their past decisions have limited them, which can lead to bouts of anger or cause your spouse to blame you or other people for their problems. This pattern of behavior can isolate your partner from their friends and family.

Common Causes of Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis

Once you’ve identified one or a few signs that your spouse is having a midlife crisis, you might be wondering why they’re having this existential experience in the first place. Here are common causes that trigger a midlife crisis, according to an expert.

A Change in Their Physical Appearance

Once an individual reaches middle age, whether it’s 35 or 50, they might notice physical signs of aging, which can prompt a midlife crisis. When your spouse identifies changes in their own physical abilities or their physical appearance, it might lower their self-esteem and generate impulsive behavior. For instance, Saad says these insecurities may cause some people to develop the belief that their spouse is no longer attracted to them, which can urge them to find a younger partner. “A partner their age will not fulfill their need to boost their self-esteem, so they attract someone younger,” Saad notes.

Regretting Their Past

In middle age, it’s common for individuals to reflect on their past. However, this evaluation only turns into a midlife crisis if these people are paralyzed by the sensation that they did something wrong, they’re lacking something, or they want something different. If your spouse is filled with regret, they might feel obliged to live the rest of their life in a completely different way. “An example is when people live a life of duty and responsibility and wake up in their 50s feeling unfulfilled, desiring to attend to a more joyful, free life that attends to their desires,” Saad says. “They will shift, and people in their lives won't recognize their behavior and will be puzzled by the change in behavior and being.”

A Major Life Event

Life-altering events are another cause of midlife crises. Maybe your spouse experienced the death of a parent, received a medical diagnosis, got fired from their job, or witnessed all of their children move out of the house, which all trigger an internal change and force individuals to face their own mortality. “A shift in their external life creates a feeling of emptiness or lack of meaning,” Saad mentions. “It also reminds them how short life is, prompting them to seek more meaning in life.”

Existential Reflection

Even if a life-changing event hasn’t happened to your spouse, your partner could still have a midlife crisis after taking inventory of their life. “If they are dissatisfied with themselves, their lives, or the legacy they are leaving, they will pivot and shift, as they are very aware of their temporality of time,” Saad shares.

What to Do If Your Spouse Is Having a Midlife Crisis

If you think your spouse is having a midlife crisis, you might feel helpless. Luckily, there are ways to help your partner navigate this difficult transition.

Establish an Open Line of Communication

First and foremost, regularly check in with your spouse and ask them about the thoughts, feelings, and experiences they’re having. In order for your partner to feel safe and comfortable opening up, listen attentively, validate their emotions, and refrain from passing judgment or placing blame. At the end of the conversation, ask how you can best support your spouse during this time.

Help Them Reach Their New Goals

A midlife crisis tends to form when someone feels like their life has been insufficient thus far. If your spouse expresses a desire to change their current circumstances, Saad suggests brainstorming strategies with your partner to help them meet their goals—as long as they’re logical, like getting promoted vs. quitting work altogether. You can also remind your spouse of the worthwhile contributions they’ve made to society and the positive impact they’ve had on others, so they start to see their past in a more accurate light. “You can be your spouse’s balancing act: honoring your spouse’s inner calling while offering strategies that ensure a smooth transition and respecting what was created in the past and what needs to be remedied in the future.”

Recommend Counseling

At the end of the day, there's only so much you can do. If your spouse isn’t willing to have a conversation about their behavior, isn’t receptive to your suggestions, or is really struggling despite your love and support, recommend that they reach out to a professional. It isn’t your responsibility to improve their circumstances or “fix” them, so having a qualified and trained individual guide your partner during this transition will ease your mind and equip your spouse with all of the right tools to navigate this challenging time.

Article Sources
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  1. Choosing Therapy. "Midlife Crisis in Men: What It Looks Like & How to Cope." July 27, 2022.

  2. HelpGuide.org. "Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes, and Coping Tips." February 24, 2023.

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