If you are going to have a relationship talk with your midlife crisis spouse, you have to be willing to not only listen, but also listen without passing judgment. Think of any relationship talks as a chance at cooperative learning.
As illogical as it sounds, the one thing a spouse suffering midlife crisis wants is understanding from you. You want him/her to be able to express feelings, explain their behavior and even criticize without fear of repercussion.
To listen without passing judgment you cannot take what your spouse says personally. Viewing the words that come out of his/her mouth as a symptom of midlife crisis instead of truth enables you to see things from a different perspective. Not that of a spouse but that of a helpmate.
Remember, the crisis is about them, not about you!
Below are a few tips that will help you navigate relationship talks with your midlife crisis spouse:
- Be patient with your spouse. Don’t hurry the conversation or push for answers to questions you have. Relationship talks should not be viewed as a game to win or loose. It is an exploration…an attempt to learn more about what your spouse is going through. The more you learn the better understanding you have.
- The relationship talk is not an opportunity to focus on what he/she has done wrong. Listen to your spouse and stay focused on what is being said without becoming defensive. Be willing to let him/her spew venom. Be able to respond with a simple, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This talk is not about him/her or you; it is about what is going on in the marriage.
- Be able to see things for his/her perspective. Don’t dismiss out of hand something said. Give thought to what is said by your spouse and be willing to take responsibility for any part you played in his/her crisis.
- If possible, be able to validate his/her feelings and offer positive encouragement. For instance, if your spouse says to you, “you never listen to me or took my needs into consideration.” Respond by saying something like, “I’m sorry you’ve felt dismissed, listening is something I need to work on.”
You see, the key is not whether or not you listened to him/her. The key is whether or not they believe you were listening. You feel like you were listening, he/she feels you weren’t listening. “Feelings” are neither write nor wrong and feelings should always be validated.
- Resist the impulse to criticize your spouse’s behaviors. If he/she is engaged in an affair, drinking excessively, ignoring the children…whatever. A productive relationship talk with your midlife crisis spouse won’t happen if those are the things you focus on.
