1. People & Relationships
You can opt-out at any time. Please refer to our privacy policy for contact information.

Can The Irreconcilable Differences in Your Marriage be Reconciled? Part II

Are you dealing with a lack of trust and constant bickering in your marriage?

By

  • Financial problems in marriage: When either spouse starts making financial decisions that don’t take into consideration the financial needs to the marriage, the marriage is in trouble. Being in trouble doesn’t mean there is not a solution to the trouble though.

    I had a friend who was a shopaholic, so much so that she had credit card accounts her husband knew nothing about. She had a post office box for the account statements to come to in an attempt to keep her secret from her husband. Secrets like this don’t stay secret for long though!

    Her excessive shopping and spending habits were exposed and her husband quite unhappy. His response was not to file for divorce though, he took pro-active steps and sent her a clear message that her behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated.

    She had to get rid of her credit cards, he paid off the debt and then she had to repay him with interest. Their marriage survived her financial infidelity because her husband knew how to set boundaries with her AND being the parents of two children they realized that keeping the marriage intact was more important that going their separate ways.

    They have recently celebrated their 30 anniversary, are the proud grandparents of two and have a loving, kind and respectful marriage. They chose to solve their marital problems instead of dissolve their marriage.

  • Built up anger and resentment: Built up anger and resentment normally come about when a couple has a long-term inability to communicate their angry feelings with each other. We go into marriage with high and unreasonable expectations. When those expectations are not met it can be hard to communicate disappointment to your spouse. When disappointment and hurt feelings are not communicated anger and resentment build up.
  • Problems in a marriage are inevitable; not discussing problems as they arise is destructive to the marriage and relationship. John Gottman, a marriage therapist and researcher observes that the healthiest couples tend to see problems as temporary. Rather than dwell on the troubles, happy couples look for the good, dwell on it, and believe it to be the core of their relationship. He encourages us to "find the glory in our marital story."

    You can’t dwell on what is working well in your marital relationship if you are brooding on the troubles. Instead of divorce, hone your communication skills and take the lid off those built up resentments.

  • Lack of trust in your spouse: Trust is all about whom you believe your spouse to be. You believe he will not cheat, you believe he will stand up for you; you believe the love you give will be returned. Due to those beliefs you have “trust” in him and the marriage.

    When he behaves in a way that you never believed he would, trust is lost. If trust has been broken and he is willing to admit his mistake, make honest changes in himself, share any needed information about the mistake with you and take full responsibility for his behavior, trust can be regained.

    I spoke to a woman recently who is divorcing her repentant husband after he cheated on her. She said that he “has done all the right things and loves her,” but she can’t get over the humiliation and shame she felt when others found out about his infidelity. For this woman it isn’t about rebuilding trust and saving her marriage, it is about pride and her own selfish need to be viewed in a certain way by others.

  • If your heart is in the marriage and the marriage is your ultimate priority trust can be rebuilt if he is repentant and willing to participate fully in healing the problems the loss of trust caused in the marriage.

  • Squabbling and bickering: When two adults are constantly bickering they are engaging in silly behavior. If you are old enough to be married surely you are bright enough to find a solution to marital problems that doesn’t include constant harping and arguing.

    I know a couple who’ve been married for nearly 40 years and for nearly 40 years they have been bickering, arguing and engaging in pissing matches with each other. Their marriage has been one long power struggle! It seems to work for them but, for most it can destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

  • If you and your spouse are caught up in a cycle of bickering and arguing learn the relationship href="http://marriage.about.com/u/ua/difficultissues/bickering.htm">skills needed to help you calm down and stop bickering as a cycle

    For most “irreconcilable difference” happen when we love in an immature way. As adults who have a true sense autonomy we don’t expect someone else to meet all of our emotional needs. We don’t hold our tongues until anger and resentment poison our relationships and we don’t bicker or get into power struggles with those important to us. We are able to recognize that our spouses have their own sense of self and due to this will do or say things that rub us the wrong way at times.

    No one has to give up who they are and what they want from their marriage. They do need to be reasonable about who their spouse is and what they are able to give and not fault him/her for not being able to meet unreasonable needs. If you find yourself in divorce court, could it be because the differences in your marriage are irreconcilable or you are refusing to look for a way to reconcile them?

    ©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.