From: Susan McKenna
Divorce is usually an earth-shattering event, devastating for both adults and children. And there is a significant difference in what needs to happen to nurture and heal the hearts of each of them.
Adults need to basically split into two people. One of those personalities has to work on getting through the adult stages of divorce, which include anger, self pity and depression, as well as rebuilding their self image and finding out that they can be, as a single person again. That can be very grueling and emotional; however, if children are involved, it is even more difficult. A second personality has to be concerned with the total needs of the child. When children are part of the divorce, it can either be a motivator to get back on track or a roadblock.
On the one hand, children can motivate a parent going through the divorce process because they recognize the need to be a strong figure for their child. The roadblock comes into play, however, when the transition is not smooth sailing for the child involved.
To begin with, parents should do their adult work themselves, not involving their children in the adult grieving process. Keep the conversations when venting about your ex, or problems you are experiencing, out of earshot of your children and do your venting when you are not with them.
Remain the parent figure and refrain from changing into a swinging bachelor or bachelorette. Also remember to keep visitation with your children for them and their needs, not to regain your life as single. Never make your children feel like a burden or like they are in the way of your reclaiming your identity. All too often, it’s easy to fall into this trap when you are frustrated and overwhelmed.
The introduction to the divorce and the beginning transitions are so very important to children. The book Feelings Only I Know; Mom and Dad Are Getting Divorced offers a simple, positive way for children to understand what divorce means, and also give parents an approach on which they can model their actions and thinking process. If they can follow the suggestions in the book, the divorce process, which does have an end point, believe it or not, has a better chance of a happy ending.
Kids should never be subjected to choosing, for each parent is irreplaceable. The absence of the other parent in the home will be damaging to the child, no exceptions, so at times, when emotions are running high, I ask, “Do you love your children more than you hate your ex?” That usually gives most parents the strength to do what is right for the child instead of what feels good at any given moment in the temptation to get back at their ex.
Children should also feel comfortable to share feelings about being with the other parent without negative comments or fear of having their conversations shared with the other parent. Even if it is only one of the two parents that does the “right thing,” it is still a benefit to the child; and when both parents do the “right thing,” your children will reap the benefits.
In order to heal the hurting hearts of children, there needs to be stability. Remember that children need to feel safe. The dynamics of the family will change ¯ usually one parent moving out is what rocks the boat the most¯ but children are very resilient. As long as they see both parents and can continue to have and give love to both, they will survive. However, if they are made to feel unsafe and afraid, it will start a snowball-effect of trouble.
Try to make the least amount of changes within the first year as possible. Staying in the same schools and the same house will offer comfort. Try to keep family members of both parents in the lives of your children if they are close. And try to be present as often as possible for your child. You may be divorcing your spouse, but you never divorce your children.
Children need many more hugs and more attention during and after the divorce process to continually reassure them. Parents may also realize that hugs from their children might be just what they need, too.
Parents must be open and accepting to the fact that they and their children are still a family, even if there is not a biological mother and father under one roof after divorce. Sometimes parents hold onto the opposite belief and never stop mourning the loss of a two-parent home, then use that loss as the basis for what happens or doesn’t happen moving forward.
Your child’s life can either be a happy one, full of experiences that will help them and you grow from the ordeal of divorce. Or, it can be something far less positive if you insist on making your life (and theirs) a constant struggle. Parents need to heal their hearts, and sometimes that takes feeling sorry for yourself and crying the whole time your children are with the other parent. Once you get past that grieving phase, however, you need to pick yourself up, lick your wounds and make the best of whatever situation you are left with. Maybe I should repeat that…WHATEVER SITUATION YOU ARE LEFT WITH.
