In general, society looks at the other man or other woman as being the responsible party in an affair. It’s understandable that they become the target for the rage and anger the deceived spouse feels. Blaming the them keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it hadn’t been for that other person there would have never been an affair. Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different "other" person.
How you handle the fact that there is another man or woman has a great deal to do with whether or not you end up in divorce court or, are able to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions that will help save your sanity and possibly your marriage.
Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Are:
He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is the is a distraction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.
The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems.
See The Relationship For What It Really Is:
The relationship with the other man/other woman is an intoxicating fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. They are showing your spouse only their best side, they are being all they can be to your spouse and all they believe your spouse needs. No one can carry on that kind act for long. Their true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When they start making demands of your spouse, clinging and attempting to control the course of the affair the fantasy will wear off and your spouse will see them for who they really are...someone who has sex with another person's husband or wife.
An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience most affairs go down in flames.
They Are Not A Reality, They Are An Illusion:
Your spouse may see this new person as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family and marital problems. In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with the marriage are the same, the only difference is, the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other man/other woman you can bet, given time reality will hit hard.
Don’t Internalize Your Feelings:
When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Don’t allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self-loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies. Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge…in a manner that helps you heal instead of causes you more pain.