Struggling After a Divorce? Here's Why You're Having Trouble Moving On

No matter what the circumstances are, divorce is hard. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and the residual anger, hurt, confusion, depression, and even self-blame don't just disappear once your marriage has ended. "Divorce is a complicated process that can be very traumatic. It is a grief process, just like the loss of a loved one," explains marriage and family therapist Brittany Jenkins, M.A., LMFT. "Divorce often affects families, children, communities, work life and social connections, so it has a multilayered impact that may require more guidance and emotional toll than people realize."

Even if you're the one who pushed for a divorce, the dissolution of a marriage is still difficult (and scary) to navigate since you once had plans to spend the rest of your life with your former partner. "No one gets married with the intention of separation, and there can be a lot of unspoken pain and fear that's not acknowledged," adds Jenkins. "It's normal to fear the unknown and to have to worry about living life single again." Simply put, don't be surprised if you're truly struggling to move on with your life once you and your ex have parted ways.

That said, every situation is unique, and the reasons why an individual may have a hard time moving on will vary from case to case. But for those searching for a little clarity, we asked Jenkins to help us break down what most people feel when trying to live their life post-divorce. Read on for more.

15 Signs That Indicate Your Struggling With Your Divorce

As mentioned, the dissolution of a marriage is extremely hard to cope with, even if you initiated your divorce. "The grief of losing a relationship and a person you loved can be one of the deepest pains," shares Jenkins. "It often inflames deep inner wounds of abandonment and rejection that can be very difficult for people to recover from without intentional effort. People may not realize the amount of transitions that will result from ending a marriage, so they can be caught off guard by the depth of their experience."

In fact, being "caught off guard" can lead certain people to deny that they're actually struggling with their new relationship status. But, in order to move on from something—like pain, grief, sadness, hurt, etc.—you have to acknowledge that it exists, which is why Jenkins breaks down a few tell-tale signs that indicate you are grappling with your divorce.

• Withdrawal from your social connections
• Anger and irritability
• Poor work performance
• Decreased self-care
• No longer engaging in activities that once brought you joy
• Thoughts of harming others or yourself
• Prolonged negativity about love and relationships
• No longer keeping up with personal grooming
• Wanting to hide yourself
• Feeling intense shame about yourself
• Fixation on your ex and their every move and social media post
• Comparing yourself to your ex's new partners
• Avoidance of returning to dating (after a normal transition for grief and healing)
• Venting about the same relationship stories long after it's ended
• Bringing up painful stories and bad-mouthing your ex and the relationship in inappropriate settings (at parties, social gatherings, to children, to anyone who will listen, etc.)
  

The Main Reasons Why You're Struggling to Move On After Your Divorce

Here, we provide four common reasons why individuals struggle to move on after a divorce. Remember: Self-awareness is key, so use the below to gain some clarity about your current situation.

You Lost Someone You Loved

Divorce means losing someone you once loved, and it can create a grieving process that's similar to what we experience when a loved one dies. There might be times when you're angry at everyone and everything, you'll blame yourself or your ex for the end of your happiness, and you may even withdraw from friends and family in an attempt to protect yourself from further hurt. Your life has been flipped upside down, so it's understandable that it might feel difficult, or nearly impossible, to move on after this type of loss.

You Feel Like Your Family Is Fractured

A lot of time and emotional energy during a marriage goes into keeping the family unit intact. Parents strive to give their children a happy and healthy family, and when their marriage breaks up, they may feel as though they've failed their kids. So, you may have trouble dealing with the emotional fallout of your family breaking up and are mourning this loss as you would a death.

However, it's important not to let this pain come at the expense of children's wellbeing. Though you may be struggling to move on, find the energy to start fresh, celebrate raising children alone, or begin dating again to find a new life partner.

There Are Unrealized Dreams

Every marriage is lived in both the present and the future. You were probably constantly thinking about where both of you, as a couple, would be five, 10, or even 20 years down the road. Divorce naturally takes away any dreams and expectations you and your ex once shared, leaving you confused and forced to learn how to build a brand-new life that doesn't include your former partner. This is why you may find yourself feeling stuck in the past, unable to reconcile that this chapter of your life is over.

You May Feel Shame

After a divorce, feelings of failure are normal. They're casualties of personal accountability—our responsibility for the role we played in the ending of our marriage. Plus, admitting to ourselves that we've made mistakes can leave anyone vulnerable and filled with shame. Having to face family members, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances can also stir our perceived shortcomings more, and these feelings can be very hard to get past when you're constantly beating yourself up.

How to Cope After a Divorce

According to Jenkins, the best way to cope and move on from a divorce is to a to seek the help of a professional or join a coping group for divorcees. "Getting involved and connected to a community that cares about you is another wonderful resource: sports teams, hobby groups, community volunteering, spiritual and religious communities, etc.," she adds. "There's a void that happens at the end of a marriage, and it's best filled with love and connection."

Another way to cope? Prioritize your self-care, notes Jenkins. "Journal, read self-help books, meditate, do yoga, get plenty of sunshine, and tap into what new dreams and interests you'd like to pursue with the new space created in your life," she shares. "The next chapter is unwritten, but you hold the pen and the colors, so you can create a colorful new you and exciting adventures if you trust the process and grow from the experience."

Lastly, give yourself time and space to grieve the end of your marriage, and don't put a timeline on when you think you should be "healed." "People have to learn healthy coping skills for their anger and pain and allow themselves to process the end of the relationship in safe spaces," notes Jenkins, who also adds that "while it's important to learn valuable lessons from relationships that end, it's important to allow yourself grace."