How many years were you married?
We were married for 16 years, together for 3 years prior to that.
Did you want a divorce?
No I did not. I wanted to work out the problems and go to counseling and save our marriage, not just for us but for our children.
Describe the break-up of your marriage.
My ex began a long term affair - unknown to me - and when I found out I was devastated, I had just lost my mother to cancer and to discover this was almost too much to take.
He assured me over and over that he loved me and it was a mistake and he wanted to work it out. I allowed him to drag me through this for two years, because he kept promising me over and over that he would end it or he did end it. He never did.
I finally found out she was pregnant and that was it for me. I filed for divorce. He let me file and never would have done it on his own. He is one of those guys that does not want to take any blame.
What helped you cope with your divorce?
I joined an online support group - survivinginfiidelty.com - and that helped so much, until the other woman found out and began harassing me about it. I also relied on my friends a lot and you really do find out who your real friends are. They stuck by me, listened to all my crap over and over. I cried non stop for months it seemed.
Work was also a big help even though I felt like I was going through the motions in a fog. I at least was able to focus on something else and not just the affair and the divorce. Also taking up a new hobby was a big help.
I love to read and I could not focus on any reading or television or anything, so a good friend taught me how to knit. That helped more than I can say. It was not just the knitting but it was doing something new that was not tied in anyway to my marriage.
I stopped listening to music for a long time. I tried to walk and eat right, I did OK with that. I cried a lot. I never thought I was going stop, or ever feel better again, but you do.
- That time is magical and that it takes way more time to get over this than you think it will or want it to. But you will get better. But you also have to be active about it. I also tried to run from what I was feeling, but you can't. You have to feel it and go through it to get past it. And that I had been living in an unhappy marriage for much longer than I thought. Only when I was free, did I realized that it was the right thing to do.