How many years were you married?
We were married for nine years.
Did you want a divorce?
No. Although I was the one who eventually said we should separate because I came to realize things would only get worse in the marriage. It gets a bit complicated explaining that to people. I still loved my husband but wanted to face up to reality and felt it was the best thing for the children.
Describe the break-up of your marriage.
I always knew my husband was an unusual person; it was part of the attraction. Only later did I realize intimacy and loving made him feel uncomfortable. He was a very self sufficient person and was rarely ever home.
For the last five years or so of our marriage we had no sex. I felt very lonely. I did six cycles of In Vitro Fertilization on my own (usually he was overseas as he traveled a lot for his work) and we had two children. I had hoped this would bring us together emotionally. But he essentially just "disappeared" from the marriage. Later I found he had been having an affair.
What helped you cope with your divorce?
I don't think I could have coped without my psychologist who understood the unusual nature of my husband's personality. Other psychologists I had seen always took the conventional view that when there are problems in a marriage it is both parties' fault and that the disgruntled partner - ie, me - needed to change rather than expect the other person to change.
The new psychologist understood there was no negotiation in my marriage. My husband just didn't participate in the marriage; the most important thing to him was to show me that he didn't need me at all. I made the decision to separate after a session with the psychologist when he helped me to realize there really was no hope that things would change.
Those first few months after we separated are a bit of a blur. I did a lot of crying. It was like my whole world had fallen apart. The things that helped were reading books about grief. They made me realize I needed to feel the pain and not try avoid it. I would write in my journal and cry and then pull myself together and get back to caring for two very small children. I don't know how I did it.
I got into exercise and that seemed to release some of my anger. After a run I would feel all relaxed and calm. I also found relief in doing some non mind-improving games that took my mind off my pain. I would play Scrabble on the computer and my daughter and I would play silly computer games (Club Penguin!).
Before my separation I would read intellectual books but while I was just holding my life together I developed a taste for trashy chick-lit type books which provided an escape. (But nothing too romantic). I found no matter how grim I was feeling if I could get out into the park and take my dog for a walk I would feel a lift in my spirits. Just being in nature and fresh air and the vastness of the sky and the feeling of the grass seemed to provide some spiritual solace.
I also drank a lot of chardonnay but I was aware that, that was not going to be a good route to peace of mind. When I was at my most unhappy in my marriage I used to enjoy going out for long decadent lunches with all my fun media friends but when I was going through the trauma of separation this lost its allure. In fact, although most of the advice will tell you talk to friends I did not find this helped that much. Most of my friends did not understand what I was going through. And now, 18 months on a lot of them seem to think I should be "over it" now. My journal didn't!
Lessons Learned
- Feel the pain. Be brave andface up to your fear of being alone. You can. You will survive.
- Embrace being ordinary. Normal life is really all there is. All the other stuff...money, power, coolness, expensive shoes are all worthless pursuits.
- Cuddle your children. Or your dog. Or someone else's children or dog.
- Hang around old people. They put things into perspective.
- Make a list of the good things that give you joy in your life (mine include playing Scrabble and helping out at my daughter's school) and then do those things.
- Love yourself.
- Let go of anger and choose love.
