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Readers Respond: Were You A Victim Of Verbal Abuse?
Responses: 77

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From the article: How Can Someone Identify and Respond to Verbal Abuse?

A master at verbal abuse can damage your self-esteem while, at the same time, appear to care deeply for you. The use of words to punish is a covert attempt to control and regardless of how loving your spouse may appear, verbal abuse is wrong. Has someone you love verbally abused you? If so what words were used and how did you respond? How Did You Know?

love shouldn't hurt

hello, i want u all to know that verbal abuse is very serious an real. i experienced it for 8 years and finally i escaped even though he keeps begging me back. the name calling and put down and disconcern all finally caught up to me an i realized the truth. Please don't believe that a man who says whatever he wants to you and treats u like a slave loves u. love should never be accompanied by shame, guilt, hurt, belittling or anything that makes u feel bad. Verbal abuse is about control, how many of u have a real support system, i bet most of u are pretty much on your own! They feed off of that because they know your resources are limited and most likely they are all u have and rely on! But no matter what get out leave your fears at the door and have faith! Trust God he will see u through.
—Guest glad it's over!!

verbal abuse. Can anyone relate?

my husband is very conrolling, My husband sees things as his way and the wrong way.We had a stupid fight. He said the dishes can only be loaded 1 way, If i can't understand that then I'm stupid. And then he adds-that's why everyone hates you because I just won't listen and do the right thing. I told him he needs to treat me with respect.
—sunen0504

What should I do?

i'm reading these comments with tears in my eyes, have been with him 18 years, abuse ranges from verbal to physical every 4-6 months. The verbal stared earlier today, so who knows what tomorrow will bring again. He verbally attacks my kids, belittling them, calling them names, he has even started on the dog now. I tried to leave before, he stopped me. Just so confused right now. I am writing this now as he is sleeping, looking for help online, as I know something is brewing up, we're walking on eggshells and I do not know what to do.
—Guest scared in london

Not just women

I have been married for about three years now and my wife treats me like dirt when she wants something. I am told that I have the choice to do anything that I want but I have found that it is not without consequence of her words and attitude. Names are called at me when anger has been sparked and I am belittled at every given opportunity. Things were escaladed when we had our first son, claims of not knowing what I was doing and constantly looking over my shoulder just to make sure that I havent messed things up. Nothing is ever her fault and my supposed "low self-esteem" is the problem. My friends and family are not hers so I get the silent treatment when I want to do things with them and I get the silent treatment when my feelings are at bay. My hobbies and likes and interests take a back seat to her and her likes. I dont dare spend money on the things that I w I know she can change but she doesnt make any effort. I really do love her but I dont know how much longer I can take
—Guest bsgtaur

I am surprised at how this has happened

i have been in my current relationship for only 4 months. as always, it started out nice and exciting. now, its not so good. luckily we dont live together but we live close enough to where it is uncomfortable! recently he has started calling me names and putting me down - big time! the thing is, im not sure why! i havent done anything wrong (although im not perfect) and he knows he means the world to me and im very accommodating and i do whatever he asks. youd think a guy would be happy for that but not him! it is never enough. ive already been with a P/A boyfriend and so i consider myself lucky to be able to pick up on this SO quickly, the problem is, neither of us want to end the relationship. there is just too much good about it.
—Guest Worried in Wisconsin

Yes it was verbal abuse

wined me, dined me treated my sons well, spent $ & time with us. saw fits of anger, thought it was stress right down to the rehearsal dinner. but we married because I thought I was supposed to with 2 kids from a ex hubby who verbally abused and cheated. within 60 days I was confronted with verbal attacks on my suspicions of dishonesty. found out I was right. Though I was strong in many ways I thought I was losing my mind when outside home he was a gentleman, generous, stayed employed. left last year. we r much better now. I am able to call him on verbal abuse words then I can go home and leave him with his thoughts. he wont get help-something else he is "going to control". Iwill no longer be one of them. if u feel like dirt after a verbal encounter with someone who should be loving on you and there is no compromise? it is probably verbal abuse. It takes longer to "see" but is consitent and u r not crazy.
—Guest Lady L

how can someone identify verbal abuse

It begins with a jokingly youare so stupid, and it can escalte to: You are a f-ing bitch, you f--k, etc., etc., and I tell you this because you deserve it. If it makes you feel small and stupid then maybe you won't do it again next time. you make me call you names. the yelling at a high voice. The isnults over the phone to show off in front of friends. It makes you feel small and makes you wonder why you keep allowing someone to hurt you so much. No one and I mean no one desreves to be called names, berated, and belittled.
—32ime

free

married 35 years. ignorant to what verbal abuse was. until one day, i realized after being mangled once again by his yelling and blaming. and that kiss he gave me, was to make himself a better man. to remove his guilt, not my pain. i left him. and i am free. i came to know myself. i came to recognize he would never change. i did. i am free. and i love it.
—Guest millie

Being called names

I have hard time being calld names at my age. It makes me want to throw up' I cannot see a grown man dong ths and not mean the words he uses,
—MNEHRBS

A daughter's eternal love....

Hello everyone. I am younger than probably all of you on here but my problem concerns my mother. I do not know what else i can do or talk to. It would be considered "talking about business that no one needs to know" but i am at my wit's end. It started three years ago. she met him and everything was okay. i have a problem with guys coming into my mom's life mainly because i don't trust men. (My dad was never there in my life) but for her sake, i left him alone. I have reason to hate him because he emotionally and verbally abuses her. They have argued since they began and it was always over something stupid. Like a sock or a one dollar tip. He always turned it around so that he made it seem like she was the one at fault or she was the crazy one. She put up a fight but eventually just either agreed to shut him up or stopped talking altogether. i expressed to her that he wasn't right for her and she deserved better but she defended him and said that he was a good man, he just had some fla
—Guest DyingInsideSlowly

Visualize What You Want Instead

Make a visual representation of the outcome you would wish for if you could have exactly what you want. Being treated better? Being happy? Being free? Seeing your kids happy? Get the visual and keep it there in your mind. Then have courage. Talk to clergy, school counselors, go to Alanon (they will keep your identity and participation private!), anyone you can trust. Tell them your story, they will respond with support. Surround yourself with support and make a plan to get free. This can mean staying if the abuser gets help and really does change, or it can mean leaving and not looking back. Each person has a different outcome that is right for them. Finally, ask for wisdom. It doesn't matter who or what is your higher power. The psychological act of asking for wisdom is powerful. We are all born with one body and one brain. We are all the same, man and woman. Nobody has a right to be superior over another -- ever. It's wrong and it must be changed. Be brav
—Guest At a turning point

filing for divorce

I have been married to my husband for 5 years and lived together 3 years prior to that. During that time he has shown classic symptoms of verbal abuse. I have no friends because of him, he opens my mail, monitors my phone calls, and demands to know my schedule every minute of the day. When I am not home when he thinks I should be he calls repeatedly and leaves nasty voicemails. I have tried to leave him or asked him to leave several times but the rage and terror that he brought down upon me was so scary I always end up relenting. It's also hard to leave when someone takes your car keys and physically blocks your way. My dogs have even been used as pawns in his sick game. A few days ago I contacted an attorney and the papers are being filed next week. There is a motion for a restraining order against him going in and it includes him being removed from our house. I only pray that he follows the order and does not try to contact me. I am truly afraid.
—Guest fed up

Finding the stepping stones...

My husband and I have been together 8 years. The first 4 years he was physical, then after finally calling the cops on him he gave that up. Now he just uses his words, tells me he works harder than me (I work 40hrs, do the cooking and cleaning, but I have an office job, he's in factory), I don't contribute enough to the house, I have no friends, no one likes me. If I ask for help cleaning he freaks out, throws a tantrum, says he'll just throw everything out and burn it then. This has been going on for so many years and I'm worn thin... I met someone else, and even if nothing comes of it, at least it's a stepping stone out of this way of life.. I know life can be better, I just wish it wasn't so scary. I sometimes start to believe the crap he says....
—Guest Trixie

Let me be free of him

Thank you all for sharing. I've cried as I didn't think anyone else had to put up with this but me. The public face of my abuser is very different to the face i get. I've left him because i couldn't stand not having an opinion anymore and being constantly belittled. Screamed at constantly in front of two small children. Begging him to please calm down not in front of the children. He doesn't even know he's doing it half the time. His family don't know him. when they visit he's Mr Nice. It makes me think that black is white and white is black. I feel i am going mad. I want to move away from him along way away from him
—biggles1

confusing...

im not sure if im verbally abused. sometimes i think i am, and other times i dont. you see, the man im around when he gets angry he yells, and tells me he will knock my head in, or tell me that he'll beat me senseless. He also tells me to shut up, or sometimes he gets in my face and points a finger at me and pounds on my chest. sometimes he'll grab my shirt and correct me. and the other day he pushed me across the room. but when he's in a good mood, everything is different. he calls me sweetheart wants hugs and kisses, he wants to be a good dad im sure of it, my mom says he knows whats best for us, and he wants whats best for us. see the problem is, is that im younger than a lot of you on here im sure. the man is my dad and i cant tell if its verbal abuse or just him disciplining me. so im confused.... ive talked to my friends about it, and they say its abuse, but its hard to believe because whens he's happy he's in such a good mood...
—Guest confused guest