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Readers Respond: What Passive Aggressive Behaviors Have You Seen In Your Spouse?

Responses: 395

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12 Years of Hell

Everything fits..He was a knight and then everything I did was wrong, all my friends and relatives are unacceptable, if I'm upset about something he's done, he gets mad at me..ha. 7 marriage counselors. He kept leaving counseling because he claimed I lied to them all.. 4 said he was in denial of his verbally abusive behavior and I needed to leave. Easier said then done with two kids and no job at the time. Now I'm employed but he is still nice then mean and has never said he was sorry or complemented me except to look good in front of other people. If you confront him its always my tone or my words, usually he just acts like I'm not here. Insulted my weight when I was thin, insults cooking by not eating and eating cereal later saying I never cook what he wants when I cook all the crazy things he mentions -including diet fads, etc.. I just need to leave but his income provides better life for my kids -trips etc. I just live in silence and have tried to not get caught up in highs and lows.
—lk3000

I Might be Passive Aggressive

So today I realized in my new relationship that recently I developed some PA attributes. I feel horrible about.. But I don't know what to do. I asked him if I was PA. He said to the bone. :( it's really sad for me because he is great and I really do care for him. Seems like every woman on the page is so happy to leave their PA partners. So is that's what's best? Break it off? Seems like most PA people are waiting for it like I am. So silly the thing about people and their behavior is that they're always expecting to get hurt. That's why I do it. I get scared I will loose him for screwing up or I will express my anger and that will loose him. dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.. So I guess I am just wondering now... What do I do? And is breaking up always the answer? Is divorce always the answer? Just seems a little contradictory. I don't know. I guess it's for everyone to decide. Maybe me saying this is passive aggressive. Hahaha.
—Guest Nina Mocosa

I Thought I Was Crazy

I have been with my husband for 7 years. We got married 5 1/2 years ago. Since that time I have watched my mental, physical and emotional health deteriorate to the point of wanting to commit suicide.n I have had 2 beauftiful children and love them dearly. As a christian as I have been taught to never walk away. Always work harder to fight for your marriage. Problem is, I can't handle being a scape goat any longer. Everything is blamed on me. I know I have problems and I need to work on them. How do I know when it's time to walk away ??
—Guest Guest 123

Passive Aggressive Father

I have spent years trying to figure out my father's personality. His hostility to me only made want to seek his attention even more so. I went out of my way to garner his love but to no avail. I hated him growing up and how he treated my mother. He was an uncaring bastard. I learned from his behavior as an alcoholic... thank you for that lesson. Unfortunately, I found escapism in casino gambling which is under control. When my father passed away in 1994, I cried alot. I've fallen for a few men over the years which are of the same passive/aggressive personality. The best I can say is "live and learn."
—Guest Chris

I'm Cheating on My Good Husband

I'm a 35 year old mother of 2, married to a wonderful caring man whom I am not in love with, therefore dissatisfied and vulnerable for victimization by a passive aggressive. Five years ago I met a man through work who subtly and subsequently caught me in his net of intense feelings, longing for Tristan & Isolde kind of love and betrayals. We developed an emotional affair over the years in which he always made me somehow feel very sad & confused. Still, I felt more and more in love. The chemistry & mutual understanding are intense. I made a move last May to become lovers (he never made the move himself). Single, 53, no kids, he never lets anyone in the house. I am still not allowed in as he refers to a hording problem. On antidepressants, he does not get erections. Talks incessantly about our great future together, I must leave my husband. Does not do anything to make it happen. Sabotages many a date. Calls 6 times a day, or disappears, especially when I cry for help. Makes me wait for him for weeks, goes away.
—Euronics

My Passive Aggressive Man

A user of everyone or he will have nothing to do with you. If its not a woman, a male friend, neighbor or relative you name it if you can't give him something you are no use to him. If you can give him something his ego swells and he will use you until you are worn out.
—Guest joy

New Relationship With Passive Aggressive

I just got into a new relationship. He is a really nice guy, but just today he told me he was passive aggressive. I looked it up just a few minutes ago and I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up with him, hurt him or anything, but it seems he may do that to me. Its only been 3 days and I already feel like I'm being pushed away. My friends say give him a chance, but I can't decide to stay or leave him. Note for the Divorce Support Guide: Three days? That isn't a relationship! He has warned you. If you stay you are responsible for the pain you will suffer due to his passive aggressive behavior.
—Guest Pj

Newly Married on Verge of Divorce

Wow. I really feel like most of these stories are similar to what's been going on with me and my husband. We met in college, and he was great to me and my family. Seriously, I would say close to perfect. However as soon as we said "I do'' after 2 years of dating, things completely changed. He stopped listening to my needs/wants/concerns. He always made me feel like everything was my fault. Blame Blame Blame. Even when I admitted that I was wrong in particular situation, he would never forgive me and would never let me forget my mistakes. The arguments would go around and around. Nothing ever got resolved. He would never let us move forward. He refused to go to counseling. Withdrawal, Silence, Pouting, Obstruction. I felt so small, confused, and desperate with him. Now with some time apart, reflection, and prayer, I am understanding what passive aggressive behavior is and how unhealthy it can be in a relationship. You are all in my prayers and I would appreciate yours. God Bless!
—Guest guest from NYC

I Feel Sorry For His New Love

I am so glad I found this site. I could never put it in words what my husband had done to me. The funny thing was he never got angry and was so easy going. Everyone he knows agrees. This kept me thinking he was nice! I am a born again female minister and I've felt so ugly, unloved, hated, betrayed and lied to for 28 yrs. The church said stay because they didn't understand. He has been an adulterer all through the marriage. I thought maybe it was me. He was never on time. He'd call and say he was on his way home at 3pm and not get there until maybe 9or 10. There was always an excuse. For the last two years of our marriage we didn't kiss, touch or engage in sex. He left me for another woman who he had been seeing on and off for 5 yrs. I feel so sorry for her.
—Guest Rev. Hawkins

Living With a Passive Aggressive

I have been married for sixteen years and have four children. For the majority of my marriage I have blamed myself for our issues, and have gone as far as taking anti-depressants to try and improve me. My husband is the consumate workaholic. He has gone as far as not being at the hospital for four surgeries that I have had (he couldn't miss work, or had to take care of the kids). I have always felt alone in the marriage, unloved, and unappreciated for the things I do, and have had to give up. He always responds to my questioning of his inability to complete a task, he says he will do, with counter accusations. He always seems to fall back on the excuses that either he forgot, or doesn't know why he didn't do what he said he would. Even though we have both attended counseling (seperately), his behaviors seem to have gotten worse. We have gone 3 weeks without speaking. I don't know if anything can be done, short of divorce, to fix the problem, but I am willing to try - for my kids.
—Spouse of Passive Aggressive

This Wasn't a Real Relationship

My most resent partner I believe isn't even aware of his behavior. Every time I took the blame upon myself he would still manage to distant himself from me whilst being very satisfied that the problem always laid with me. On our 1st date he canceled ten minutes before we were suppose to meet at a given time. The 2nd date he suggested I am pressuring him and want to control him. The 3rd date that never came to be because I threw in the towel. He promised so many times he'd call, he never did. He was looking for his soul mate but only wanted a cell phone relationship. He was ready to commit but I first had to win over his heart. This carried on for two months and the best part of all is when I confronted him on the things I didn't approve of and he would ignore me until everything was my fault again. He still denies the truth.
—Guest Someone

Finally Seeing The Light

After finding this site, I realize that I've been with a PA for 16 years - 14 of those years married with 2 beautiful children. He is lazy and withdrawn at home. Absolute procrastinator - that is, if he ever gets around to doing anything productive at all. Stays tuned into computer and TV all weekend and barely gets out of his pajamas. The kids and house are somehow my complete responsibility although I have always worked full-time and make more than he does. He says that I don't "inspire" him to be helpful because I don't "put-out" enough for him. There would never be enough "putting out" to inspire this man to do anything! Years and years of frustration, thinking that somehow it was really my fault and that somehow I could find a way to reach him. He is very smart and calculating - never forgets anything from the past and will use anything I have ever told him against me. And then wonders why I don't want to be vulnerable or intimate with him anymore? I've got to get out soon.
—NeedSanity1

His Behavior Makes me Crazy!

Like many, I stumbled on this board quite by accident and I was struck by how familiar all of the symptoms/stories were to my own. My husband of five years has driven me to some of the worst depression I've ever had - to the point where I've believed I'm manic-depressive! He has all of the classic signs: Forgets important dates, feigns ignorance when something is important to me, announces he's cleaned something and that our three year old son messed it up even though it looks exactly the same as when I left, and the worst thing? Instead of just avoiding me or giving me the silent treatment, he sleeps. Mind you, he doesn't work. He hated his job and quit nearly six months ago. And he still sleeps 9+ hours in a day and more on the week ends when I'm home and can take care of my son. I've been agonizing over our relationship for years and continue to do so today. If only he wasn't so damned oblivious to EVERYTHING!
—Guest Cath

I Just Don't Care Anymore

I didn't understand for awhile but you start to see pattern. When ever we would argue sometimes he would't talk to me for day`s & day`s. He wouldn'tt eat what I cooked, I offer him a back rub or oral sex and he'd say no.
—Guest Beth Jamison

Entire Family Passive Aggressive

I just realized that all my relationships over the years were passive aggressive. The woman that gave birth to me supposed to nurture and set the example did a helluva job. It's taken years to figure it all out, how they make everything your fault and are there only to "help" you, when really it is the other way around...and forced. Palatable denied anger, swift ongoing punishment for an unknown wrong. And hatred right below the surface you can't quite put your finger on. It never makes sense so it's hard to put it to words to be able to talk to them about if you were even able to get a straight answer anyway. They are shells, zombies, actors, depending on the day. I watch them watching me getting a reaction as if its a movie or a game.
—Annoumous

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