From the article: Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse
A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards. They do not react kindly when their bad behavior is pointed out to them. Passive aggressive behavior is often called "crazy making" behavior. What does or did your spouse do that made you feel like you were going crazy? Share Your Experiences
my passive aggressive spouse
- When the topics was towards to his misbehaviors or mistreating me. he would -- 1. call his parents and talk bad about me, they would came to the house put me in spot light 2. call cops and made up a story 3. threatening me in many ways he can 4. have his friend to judge me and he would be there and say nothing or act like there was nothing going on. Never vildate my feelings, what his feels is real and my feels are never real. 5. Never discuss or problems. If i wanted to it would turn into guilt shifting. 6. Sex with holding as punish for many kind of reasons. 7. Would tell me to get back to Taiwan or he wants to divorce so he can throw me out of country when I wanted to discussing about feels and how thing could be solving.
- —Guest vivian lin
Mr Nice-Tormentor
- The Stritoff's site has been giving me a sense of relief not untill i read about PA husband. i have been married to a tormenting PA who has completely withdrawn from the rest of his family-me and the kids-they are five.Everything in our marriage is sooooo hurting but he seems not to care save for his needs and cares. he never takes me nor the kids out is emotionally absent recently i lost my job when i had to move to another country to take care of my eldest son who was suffering from cancer but even then i found outaftermy year of absence he never connected to kids.when i confront him on these so many hurting and tormenting situations in our marriage, he shifts the blame on me as though iam the one in the wrong he emotionally abuses by flirting with other women in my presence and shows them that i dont matter nor beautiful as they are. i have stayed in this marriage for the sake of our children.He has made it clear to me that he doesnt want to appear with me in public yet not cheating
- —shabalala
advice needed
- i just found this site the other day and it has helped me alot in dealing with what i already knew to be a crazy relationship. only in mine there is also physical abuse. he is angry almost all the time, has constant headaches, critiscises me constantly works sporadically but says im lucky to have him, because no one else would want me. we arent married thank god and have no children together so im getting things organised to end the relationship. but ive done it before and he just wont leave me alone to get on with things. ive never met anyone like this before and i never knew these kind of personality types existed!! all of the letters ive read on this site describe his behaviour right to the words he uses when hes talking or yelling at me.anyway if anyone has info on help groups etc id be appreciative of any info. i feel so drained and exhausted i know id like some help even just to talk it thru wth someon
- —dkb1122
Lost
- My husband of 9 years has trouble expressing himself. He holds everything in. When I try to approach things that need work in our relationship, which are many, I get blank stares a little to no words. Very often if I get angry or upset, he wins by hurting himself and breaking stuff. I admit to my own issues, and I try to work on bettering us all the time. Somehow, every issue good or bad, ends up bad. If I take a 1/2 hour trying to express my feelings, it always seems to end up that I wasted time he could have used to get things done. But when it's time to get things done he generally dawdles around on facebook, downloading useless stuff, making extremely complicated meals or some other useless task. Every fight seems to turn onto me because I yell, interrupt and spend time talking about problems. He avoids, procrastinates and makes excuses for just about everything. I have been fixated on divorce for over 5 years and don't seem to know how to escape this situation. Resentment runs dee
- —rabbittiger
I didnt know
- My husband and I have been married for a year ..He complains and criticizes everything I do and say EVERYDAY!!! He plays the victim when I tell him about it and tells me I act like he cant say anything...He will find something really petty to argue about to keep from telling me what he is really angry about because it's just as petty..He has serious trust issues and is really anti social so I cant have any friends but around my family he acts perfect and does things so that my family will say how wonderful he is ..He doesnt want me on my lap top or my phone ..he always has something to say about them ..He watches porn to get back at me for things he believes I have done ... He has been hurt and doesnt have the ability to maintain a healthy relationship ...Im ready to leave but my faith keeps me here. He hid this behavior from me ...How could I have been so blind ...I love him a great deal but I really dont like him
- —Guest Cyn W
I'm Done With My PA Wife.
- I am planning to leave her for the second time. She will become the victim, you know. I can't communicate with her to work anything out because she alters the past to support her argument. I need a recording device. If I ever show an interest in her doing something, it will never happen. For example, if I say "wow, you look nice in a skirt." Then one day ask her to wear a skirt then she will not. As a matter of fact, she will never wear a skirt again. This happens with everything. She bought some lipstick and when she wore it, I loved it. She wont wear it now. She used to rub my neck when I was tense, until told her how much I enjoyed it. Once I let her know how cute she looks in running shoes. Now the running shoes hurt her feet, rubbing my neck makes her wrist hurt, that lipstick chaps her lips, and the skirt makes her thighs sweaty. Do you think I get intimacy? I love her fried chicken, I wonder why she hasn't cooked it in a while. This is over! You should hear the arguments. Wow
- —Guest Ryan
Husband's passive aggressive behavior
- He ignores problems and procrastinates on important things like paying bills, picking up the kids from school, and cashing his check in time to pay late bills.He denies that he is a non-available person for us as a family member. I am too unsatisfied with all thet he does , He never does anything i=on time and i always get blasmed for the problems because i want to talk about it.I am crazy because i make up all of these unutruths about him , and i have financial proof that he is never available. When i want him to get things done i have to make up excuses to cover for him or I look bad. I am afraide to bring people to the house because he doesb't like any of my friends there is always something wrong with them.ANd whahen we have a discussion he raises his vooice and yells at me and turnes the tables on me stateing that i am the one who is abusive and i need to get help. He never has the time to do the things he promises to us and will never let me win without a bad arguement.
- —Guest Ginger Lopez
PA Inlaws
- This, oddly enough isn't my partner, but his sister. Sometimes his mother, but that's improved. When I first met his sister 5 years ago, I thought she was fantastic. Then I thought, well, she's a little socially unsophisticated (I would ask her to lunch, she wouldn't reply, or would take her for an occasion and she never reciprocated). When my mother was in and out of hospitals for an entire summer, nearly died more than once, and ended up with permanent brain damage and dementia, I got a long letter from her about what a terrific summer she was having, about how excited they were about their first girl (did I mention I had been having infertility treatments?), her, her, etc., and she had a tag line at the bottom "how's your mom," I thought, okay she's insensitive. When she ignores emails and my birthday (big family dinners for hers), I figured, she's angry about something. Now, I realize, she's P.A. and cruel. What's worse, is now she's aiming at my husband and that is making me angry
- —Guest ep
Hard to live like this
- my husband is very selfish and when angry ignores the family, slams doors and things and sulks. A big baby. He only worries about his own needs and wants sex all the time and tells me to leave or he'll find it elsewhere if I don't give it to him. He is impatient and ugly with me and the kids. He says joking comments which are not nice and says I'm too sensitive when they hurt me. He says stupid things to my son "you look like a girl" CONSTANTLY and thinks it is funny. He doesn't get emotionally attached to his kids and doesn't really care to know them or what they are interested in, etc. He is arrogant and condecending and friends comment he is "harsh" with me and "not nice to me". He doesn't see ANY of this or why he's driving me away and why I don't want sex with him - I feel no bond and really resent and hate him. He had cancer and we as a family went through a year of hell and his UGLYness to the family magnified. i thought the cancer would make him a better person-no change
- —Guest guest leslie m.
Run for the hills
- My wife and I are now seperated. She showed classic passive aggressive behaviour throughout our 13 year relationship, including the withdrawal of sex and intimacy. The two most frustrating for me where her hanging up the phone if I said anything with which she disagreed and if we sat down to discuss an issue she would merely attack me on a completely unrelated issue and never discuss the issue at hand. During the marriage counselling process it all sank in. This behaviour would never change. The penny dropped when the marriage counsellor asked me "what do you get out of this marriage". We have a 6 yr old child who now alternates homes and has a loving bond with both parents. I truly believe he is much better off than remaining in the toxic home this marriage had become. I am still hurt and bitter but I know this is the only way forward.
- —Guest Kevin
No Friends allowed.
- I went to live with my partner in his country. I knew no one and was alone most of the day. After a while I was introduced to someone who belonged to some religious sect. I was invited to see what went on there. My partner refused to go, saying that it would last too long and he had little patience. I was offered a lift by a member of the sect. My partner went ballistic. A strange man was certainly not going to take his woman anywhere. Being a free spirit, I argued the point. He immediately phoned a woman friend, albeit platonic to invite her to dinner. In the end he went with me. I then met a woman who was a friend of his exwife. He vetoed that immediately, saying he would prefer it if i didn't meet her again. He refused to allow me to continue correspondence with an old male friend living in a far away country. He immediately informed all the women he had put on hold, to contact him at will. The list goes on and one. I had no friends at all, the five months I was there.
- —shalimar4u
There and back and I survived
- I was married for 8 years to a passive aggressive wife. For the first few years I believed I was the problem since my ex would cry crocodile tears when we argued about her bad behaviours. It wasn't until we went into marriage counseling that I first heard this term. Turns out we were the classic P.A. couple. She was highly P.A. and I was a co-dependant. Once everything was explained to us our counselor gave us home work to help each of us change our bad behaviours. However the results were not good. I worked very hard at managing my co-dependancy even to the point of taking vacations by myself. Unfortunately my ex never seemed to find the time to do her homework. After a while her homework was lost and she started making excuses to avoid appointments with the counselor. My ex asked for a divorce when our counselor bluntly told her she needed to change to salvage the marriage. To her it was just easier to reset her life and start over as if nothing happened.
- —Guest Sam
I'm the PA person in my relationship
- After reading about what PAD is, I realized......wow, that's ME!!!!!!! I've taken some steps (baby steps) to try to deal with this. After telling my partner and letting her read the article about it, we formed an action plan (at least tried) to get me and our relationship back on track. Things started out well, then it was back to square one. I don't know what to do. I'm driving myself crazy and I'm taking her along for an unpleasant ride.
- —Guest ready4marriage
Why?
- This way of living is not what I planned, it is not what I could project from the man I loved and I wanted to marry with. I remember thinking that our "timing" was going apart, but after our first kid birth everything went crazy. He would say in front of a group of friends that my food wasn't good. He wouldn't care of taking care of our baby, he would blame me for our baby's sickness. He never calls me from work, never share any personal goals nor deceptions, he doesn't care about my feelings giving me silence as an answer when I speak... I feel like a teen when we have to make plans about going out with friends because any time he asks me who to invite I say X an Y and he says "OK so I will call A and B and see if they are available". And when people stops inviting us to do things... Blame me. Any Yes I say to our kid, he says NO, and vice and versa. I can't play this game anymore. I have no strenght anymore. But I still haven't the courage to leave him because of our kid.any advices?
- —Guest me
Didn't know that it's PA!
- I was married for 12 years to a PA husband. I had tried to do everything to please him,but he's never happy. He complains about things every day and criticizes me at every chance that he can get. I can't do anything well so he used to say. he gets angry with me constantly and when I tried to explain , he wouldn't hear of it. There are times it would escalate him into hitting me physically and now I have back problems and surgery because of it! I finally left the marriage and felt so free! Now I can spot people who are like that! I'd run first. UM
- —Guest UM
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