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Readers Respond: What Passive Aggressive Behaviors Have You Seen In Your Spouse?
Responses: 111

By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

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From the article: Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse

A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards. They do not react kindly when their bad behavior is pointed out to them. Passive aggressive behavior is often called "crazy making" behavior. What does or did your spouse do that made you feel like you were going crazy? Share Your Experiences

What behaviors HAVEN'T I seen!

My husband is extremely PA. He procrastiantes, delays, blocks, obstructs, finds reasons not to cooperate for just about everything in our lives. I used to be a professional chef, have had extensive culinary training and everyone I know raves about my cooking. He won't eat it. Not anything I make, even his favorite foods. He will push it around on the plate, say it's "okay" if asked there is a problem, but then throw it away and (quite obviously and soon after) get a bowl of cereal or eat peanut butter right out of the jar. This man will complain loudly about problems he has brought on himself but of course it is all my fault. Anytime anyone has ever tried to hold him accountable for anything he has become the "vicitm" of their unfair and unrealistic expectations. I am in the process of filing for divorce. Any surprise?
—Guest emmie

its not my fault

after reading this site i m not alone!, thank god i thought i was going mad, beening with my partner for 8 years. i have three children from a previous reletionship. when i first meet him i through i had meet the most wonderful man, so loving and kind to me and my children, but.. as time time went by, these signs began to show, firstly he said we should make a fresh start, 20 miles from my familyand freinds ( i can not dirve)!! then it all started. slient treatment, refusing sex, moving out for days with no contact. we have now moved closer to my family and started universtiy, as i am becomimg aware of the problem and changllege him his temper is becoming, apparent. i want to help him but deep down i know he won,t change, i making arrangments to leave after the hoildays if i can... as i feel he has so strong hold over me...
—Guest cheryl

not alone

After reading over half of the postings on this site I feel better to learn that I'm not alone. My husbands picture should be next to the definition of a PA and his Mommies picture too. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. My husband of 21 years is the classic PA . He will avoid talking about our problems at any cost, in fact he still runs away to his mommies house( he's 50) and she welcomes him with open arms. After all the world is wrong not him. I have been a lonely married woman for more years than I care to admit. I hope to have the means to divorce him and move on with my life, but on a lunch ladies salary that is easier said than done. Good luck to all of you out there in relationships with PA's .
—Guest bbb17

Need to share

What I have to share is actually about my female housemate, not a spouse, but I feel like I'm going out of my mind, so in the hope this isn't entirely exclusive to married people, I'm going ahead and letting this out. This is the second time I've lived with her, I'll call her Jane, and I REALLY regret moving back in, I had a momentary lapse of reason. She's actually a type-A, very controlling person, so the being late, avoiding all responsibility doesn't describe her. As I type this RIGHT NOW, she is blasting music so loud the floorboards are vibrating. I live in the basement. Where do I start? Her PA behavior is mostly manifested in the things she says to me and the way she says them. Like, a sweet little smile on her face while she's telling me how stupid I am. I can see I'm going to run out of space...it's just instead of coming right out and telling me what she needs or wants, she makes insulting and biting remarks, not aggressive, but out of line. I'm miserable, want out no
—Guest jlm

I'm the passive aggressive abuser

Reading this has enlightened me. Everything relates to me, all the behaviors. I emotionally abuse my boyfriend and turn things around to make him feel as though hes the one with all the problems when really its me and deep down inside I know its me but I don't want to face it because it would mean that I had to face MYSELF. I have been this way for a very long time. There were alot of things that I've held inside because it was just so intense for me. I convinced myself that keeping it inside would make it go away eventually. But really it never goes away, 10 years later and still these emotions are intense, probably even more now that I'm older. Things build and build and if your anything like me, you don't want to change because your afraid. Let me tell you all now that it's not easy at all, sometimes the passive aggressive become so emotionally detached that we are just like robots, our hearts are telling us we're hurting you and ourselves but the mind plays tricks. But now I see.
—Guest Tiffany

I thought I was unreasonable...

"We" bought a car for him to use, with the agreement that I would be able to use it when I needed it, and he could find other ways to get to work. On the few days that i did need it, we'd end up in full blown arguments because despite advance warning, I "owed it to him" to drive him to work and pick him up from work, even though it meant I missed extra work. Despite the fact that we both work, he would never help out after work--"too tired"--yet somehow still managed to complain that I couldn't get supper ready early enough (as if i'm not tired!). Despite his promises, rarely did the dishes (his only chore), and when he did, usually only did his own plate and glass. Complains about the state of the house but refuses to lift a finger. Has had a headache for the past 5 New Year's. Comes home and leaves shoes, jacket, stuff everywhere. Complains about everything! I feel like i've been poisoned all these years. So glad we are separating.
—runnergirl727

cant handle it anymore

Im 34. Been with my husband for 8 yrs, married for 6. Throught our entire relationship, he has exibited PA behaviors, but its got much worse the last 2 years. He is always late, never coming home when he says he will, then I am not aloud to get mad or even bring it up or Im being unreasonable. Silent treatments for no reason for days at a time, impossible to talk to about our marriage, wont apologize ever, withholds love and affection, never tells me he loves me, doesnt awknowlege me when he comes into the room, many times doesnt respond when I ask a simple question or even look at me when Im talking. He has been unfaithful to me more than once, is addicted to internet porn, drinks every day, smokes pot every day. The worst part for me is the lack of affection. We will go months without even touching or saying I Love You. I explain that I am a women with a heart and I need love in my life, he stares at me like Im talking to a brick wall. I going to leave him after the holidays
—mrscse

can he be gay and passive agressive

I WAS IN A RELATIONSHHIP WITH A MAN WHO I FEEL HAS ALL OF THESE DISCRIPTION .BUT MY ONE QUESTION HAS BEEN IS HE A BISEXUAL ? I HAVE ENDED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH NEAL HOWEVER WE HAVE A SON TOGETHER AND MY SON IS ONLY 7YR OLD AND I CAN SEE CONFUSION IN MY CHILD FOR HOW HIS FATHER ACTS ,HOWEVER I SEE MY SON PICKING UP SOME OF THSES PERSONALITY TRAITES. MY SENARIO IS WHEN I MEET HIM HE WAS LIVING WITH A GUY NAMED MARK THAY HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR HIGH SCHOOL YEARS THAY WERE NOW IN THERE MID TWENTY WHEN WE MET .NEAL AND MARK HAD A HOUSE THAY BOUGHT TOGETHER NEAL IS VERY MASCULANE ,WITH DRAWN,ANGRY ,MYSTERIAS AND VERY DEVOTED TO HIS FREINDSHIP WITH MARK .MARK ON THE OTHER HAND IS VERY OUT GOINING ,FUNNIE AND HAS A STRANG ABILITY TO BE FRIENDS WITH GIRLS AND NO SEXUAL DESIRE HE IS KIND OF YOUR BEST FRIEND.NEAL DRINKS ALOT AND WAS ALSO KNOWN TO SMOKE POT ALOT ,HE ALLWAYS SEEMED TO BE THINKING AL THE TIME. STAYING UPLATE BY HIMSELF DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP .I ALLWAYS FELT HE WAS CHEATING BECAUSE
—Guest michelle

Passive Aggresive

I hate this life I am living with my PA husband. We have been married 11 years with 4 children and he is HORRIBLE. Everything I do is wrong. I thought it was me intill a year ago I looked PA up and I felt like I wrote the book on him. EVERYTHING was him. I cried everyday because how he treats me. He cares nothing for us, but swears he does. He goes places and acts like we are the closest family and as soon as we are back in the car...BOOM!! Silent treatment.....for nothing. I NEVER know what Im doing wrong. Then after I scream and fight cause I can not take his crap, he is like...sorry.....then 10 mintues....he is doing it again. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. When he comes home from work, the first thing he does is pick up things that he sees and rubs it in my face...like why did u let the kids mess up the house, LET THEM??? I have a 9 yr old girl, 6yr old boy,2 yr old boy and 1 yr old boy...still nursing....He tells me I need to put then in there rooms and keep them in there.
—sltm

Thank goodness I found this

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences. I truly thought I was going completely mad. My husband has had me believing for years that I am at fault. He sulks, expects me to read his mind, doesn't engage with our children, out of 17 years of marriage I doubt he has been faithful for 1 year. He left for another woman and had me convinced that i was the one who had to change. He drinks every day, this makes him either pathetic or agressive. He has wet the bed more times that I care to remember. Yet, he believes I am the one with the problem. When I tackle him about his behaviour he ties me up in knots and turns it around so that I end up apologising. Sorry if this is garbled. I have kept all this inside for so long because I thought there was something wrong with me. The worst thing is that his behaviour is having an adverse effect on our children but I am worried about what will happen to them if I leave him. Would this be worse for them?
—Guest Julia

Just refuses to keep his word

The biggest frustration I have is when he agrees to go somewhere or do something. Even when I say, "are you sure" "It is really important you be there" or "I will only commit if you say yes. I don't care either way" Then fast forward to the time to go or him to be there. He will run short errand before and then be gone for 6 hours. It will be time to go and he will just flat refuse to leave and just sits there. I have a fit and he will go and then mutter under his breath and pout entire time. I am very glad the new woman "understands" him. It is her problem now. She has big trip planned for her kid and ours. It sounds fun to me but his idea of hell. I will praise trip and offer not one obstacle. We will see if it really happens when it is her turn.
—Guest MM

Am I crazy?

Married for 20 years - husband drinks every day. We have four children together, he is kind, loving and attentive to them. He plays nice, especially when guests or family are visiting - but as soon as we are left alone, I get the silent treatment. He spends time and attention on other women, including an overnighter with an ex girlfriend (no sex, I think? Who am I kidding?). I was upset and he said it "what's your problem?" He stays up half the night drinking with the alcoholic who lives next door and then claims I am arrogant for not joining them for a drink. He has withheld all physical affection, including sex for years. He refuses or only grudgingly participates in any "family" activity that includes me. He told me today it is my fault our relationship doesn't work because I am too demanding and hypercritical. He said I have been that way ever since he met me.
—Guest guest

He doesn't do anything wrong

My husband often does not receive my calls or e-mails because his cell phone does not work. but he is a realtor, and I find this hard to believe because he needs to be available for his clients. When I ask him directly he says it is just his phone. He occasionally stays out late after telling me he will be home at 8:30 or 9:30pm. When I call to see if something is wrong or e-mail him. Again it is his cell phone, Which is a black berry storm. He seems completey unaware how much this bothers me, and this is a discussion we have a few times a month. After reading this site I feel more secure with myself that it is not just me.-which he continues to state he doesn't know why I make such a big deal about this. We have talked about separation, which is what I want, but I think he just continues to play a long with the idea.. Then continues to tell me that he loves me. Which I am finding hard to believe. I think it is only out of convenience, and the holiday's coming up.
—Guest broken

She just wouldn't care

When I met my wife we had a wonderful life together, but over time she became more and more greedy and selfish. Anything I did was wrong in her eyes and she would fall back on the "I'm going to divorce you routine" when I tried to express how I felt. She cut me off from friends, family, and would badger me about any hobby I had until I dropped them all. Finally she told me she needed me to only do what she said when she said it and to do nothing on my own. When I said I wouldn't do that and enough was enough she turned on the waterworks and threatened divorce. When I would bring up counseling she would tell me she wasn't going to bother with it because no matter what the couselor said she wasn't going to change. I am glad I found this site because it opened my eyes to how she really was. I still haven't made a decision on divorce but I feel like I now have more tools and options to help me deal with my situation. Not all bad spouces are men.
—Guest Broken Husband

my passive aggressive spouse

When the topics was towards to his misbehaviors or mistreating me. he would -- 1. call his parents and talk bad about me, they would came to the house put me in spot light 2. call cops and made up a story 3. threatening me in many ways he can 4. have his friend to judge me and he would be there and say nothing or act like there was nothing going on. Never vildate my feelings, what his feels is real and my feels are never real. 5. Never discuss or problems. If i wanted to it would turn into guilt shifting. 6. Sex with holding as punish for many kind of reasons. 7. Would tell me to get back to Taiwan or he wants to divorce so he can throw me out of country when I wanted to discussing about feels and how thing could be solving.
—Guest vivian lin