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Readers Respond: How Did You Know It Was Time To Divorce?

Responses: 311


Wasted 25 Years!

I have been married 25 years, most of them very difficult. We are now separated and getting divorced. Was any of this worth any of that? He doesn't love me. He says I am the problem. I am a monster if you believe his list of reasons. Guess turn around is fair play...he has shut me out for years, ignored me, refused to sleep with me...He says our kids (5 of them) know I am the problem and all that is wrong is my fault. I begged for attention and love from him and never measured up to his "dream woman" yet, he stayed. Why? I don't know anymore, I am now coping with his retribution on a different level. He moved out after one too many fights, he worn't talk at all, he has a lawyer....I am applying to legal aid... Yeah, its over. But what in the hell was it? I feel like I am in a coma or something...I have been lonely and angry so long, I don't know what to feel! But there was and is no respect or trust...that erodes everything else....
—Guest lost and confused

Don't Know What to Do

I have been married for almost ten years. I was pregnant when we got married so I often think that if that would not have bee we probably would have just stopped dating. Our relationship has been mostly focused on our children. We often argue about much of the time silly things. My husband just recently went on a trip for work. We had several not so nice conversations. He told me that he had his life on track and I needed to do the same. That I better get a job and it is over. Then after several different conversations like this. He apologized but didn't talk any about why he said these horrible things. What started it was that he told me he was going to a party at the end of the week. And there would be drinking. I grew up with alcohol in my home and I just don't like it. I sure don't like the idea of my husband sitting around drinking with many different women. Anyway, I am very confused. Do I even bring up all the ugly things again? He did apoligize. But how can I forget the words..
—Guest confused

loved by all but those who(KNOW) him

My Husband helps out anyone in need will give his last dime if he needed to. But just gained the reality that he needs to put family and the needs for our kids first. He says he is sick and is constantly taking his temperature in public and eating ice to cool down a temp of 98'. He is selfish never spends any real time with our children. We have 2 children one is biologically mine only and we share a child and he makes it obvious to others he is a step parent he only shows love to them (the children) when someone is watching. He talks loud when discussing personal matters in public (restaurants, Doctor's offices etc...) And we only are intimate when he feels he is ready and at those times I'm not satisfied, we started using a sex toy to aide but he says it makes him feel like less of a man.He talks bad about me to people and makes me feel like I'm crazy when I tell him we are not working. Cries and gives me a guilt trip because I want a divorce says im killing him. Just tired
—Guest Tired

Dont Know What to Do HELP

I'm on the brink. I really don't know what to do. I think about it all day every day. Married for 10 yrs, 2 kids 6 and 3. He is a good father, cares and loves me but no sex, he never even tries. It was never a pleasant experience anyway, over in seconds. He has driven us so far into debt with his selfish spending that we have no money, no savings, no pension, can't afford to do anything, can barley pay the bills. He has turned a corner and has stopped spending and trying to pay debts off, but I'm working loads of hours evenings and weekends to help make ends meet but its still not enough. Every day is the same but not enough hrs in the day. Small 2 bedroom house, cramped. I feel nothing but resentment. I get hardly any time to spend with kids.The years are flying and i feel I'm missing out on a life with the kids and its all his fault. DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
—Guest kernow mum

Too Young To Be Married!

My husband and I have been married for only 2 and a half months now. I am 18 and he is 21. He is so manipulative. He makes everyone think our fights are all my fault its so manipulative he almost persuades me! He is a huge mamas boy and she claims she's a big christian but I can see right through her. Also, we have no sex life, he does none of the work and he spends hours on the computer. Whenever I talk about divorce he shoves God in my face and says we can't divorce, he says not to but he does nothing to help it.
—Guest paige liller

The Double Life

We dated for four years before marrying. I was in love and thought everything was perfect! Everybody did. Four years of marriage has been four years of crying. There is nothing left to fix when someone leads a double life of affairs and porn addiction topped off with emotional neglect and mental abuse. He was right when he used to tell me that one day I'd discover that I was too good for him and leave.
—Guest Guest Girl

Is Love Enough?

My husband is a very good man. He's a veteran and he has done a lot for me and I am very grateful for everything he has done and has worked at. That being said, we are very young, in our early twenties, and we have been married for almost 2 years. We are having problems this early that I don't know if we can overcome when we get much older. The first problem is that he lies to me about everything. I've told him, and showed him, that I will talk it out with him if he just tells me the truth, but he keeps on lying. The second problem is that we are not intimate very often and I am young. He said he would talk to someone about it, and he hasn't. Finally, we are at different education levels and he doesn't have a lot of drive to better himself, but has expressed that he doesn't like that I make more money. He doesn't like things, but he doesn't fix them, either. I love him, and I know he loves me. We are definitely soul mates, but he just doesn't understand the pain all this is causing me.
—Guest wish it could be different

So Confused About Divorce

I have been with my husband for going on 10 years and he is so so selfish. When we do go somewhere he wants me to pay. I have had 4 pregnancies and 3 beautiful boys. I needed to get another vehicle and he lent me money so I could put a large down payment and when I sold the vehicle I had he made me pay him back. He's a horrible provider. Seriously who makes there wife buy a vehicle to drive his children around? No wonder I became an alcoholic, but its been 18 months that I have been sober. Please help me he's dumb because I have a lot to offer a man.
—Guest gennao

Should I Stay or Go?

My husband and I have been married for a year. That doesn't seem long at all and it’s not. I come from a family that doesn’t divorce, but I love him with all my heart and it didn't start like that he was the one in love with me. Everyone was able to tell by the way he looked at me. We've had issues with money and him still acting so childish; he's a big mama’s boy. And he was never taught to know about priorities, he'd rather spend money on his friends then pay bills. And I want a future at some point and I get mad and tell him to grow up but he just says you knew me and I've always been like this but I never knew to what extent he was like this. I always just thought he was a child at heart but not childish. I want this marriage to work because when we don't have bad days we fit so perfectly like no cracks in between us, like two perfect pieces but when we fight he can be my worst enemy, because he hurts me, not intentionally but it happens and I just don't know if I should stay or go.
—Guest im so confused

Opposites Don't Attract!

Married for 14 years and in my 3rd marriage, main reason staying as I don't want to go through the single thing again. I am 56 years old. But we are two very opposite people. She hates my family and my son who have done nothing to warrant it. It's just because they have a different lifestyle. I love loud music, she barely likes it on, I like to have some beers and talk, she finds that a waste of time, we like different movies, she is a neat freak, I am a "who care's" guy, very little sex, I don't feel the love, and so on and so on.
—Guest Bad selection

No Sex, No Intimacy, No Money

I have been married 20 years. Have not had sex/intimacy for a year and a half. My Husband and I have 5 adult sons and daughters. He is a great guy, good financial provider, bought me new cars. He is I feel replacing intimacy and sex for material goods. I have begged for intimacy he always responds with he will get some form of help. He never follows through. When I bring up the subject he says he needs time. He is out of time. I'm tired of begging. My friends tell me if he felt it was important he would have done something about it. I can't wait any longer I'm age 52 and want the chance to have intimacy, affection and some good loving. I have no money so I stay for convenience. A very sad, lonely and depressing way to live. Often times I fill suicide is the only way out.
—Guest ebonyandivory

He Has Two Faces

I got married and found out not only was my husband a compulsive liar but also a pothead that stayed up every night til about 4 smoking and playing video games while I went to bed alone. I have had to push him into working and going to school because he had no goals. He wants to hang with his friends who are just like him. He says I just dislike his friends because I’m jealous but the truth is I don’t like them because like him they are bums. I haven’t actually done anything yet but I am tired. It has not even been two years yet and we argue about this and little things every other week. I told him I am tired of fighting with him. I loved him so much when we first started out, things were nothing like this. I didn’t even know he smoked. I always knew his friends were bums but I never imaged he was the same. I know it’s time to leave but I just don’t know how.
—Guest ready to leave

Guilty of Cheating

My husband and I had been together for 6 yrs before we married. 4 months after marriage I went away to college (planned 2 yrs). I felt neglected; husband never contacted me even to say hi. Me always doing it. Husband is still someone I count among my best friends. He's a really good man at heart. But I question... does he love me? And that doubt drove me to another man. I told my husband what was wrong; he never fixed the issue(s). I ended up having an emotional affair, which turned into a real affair, with a friend of mine I've known for several years through an online community. I am on the verge of divorce. Why should I not pursue my happiness if my husband is not treating me as his wife? Does he love me if he's ignoring me? I can never get a hold of him when I expect him to be home, I don't know if he's cheating on me too. I have no moral leg to stand on but if he's miserable I wish he'd let me know so we can end this. I feel a lot of guilt but think sometimes we'd be happier apart.
—Guest ignored

Looking For Answers

My husband's job takes him all over the world and just recently he was gone for a year. Well two months before he was scheduled to come home I noticed that he wasn't saying he loved me before we would hang up and he just seemed really distant during our conversations. When he finally returned he was very secretive about his phone and emails. I had to know and went through both. What I found absolutely broke my heart. He had been having an affair for two months prior to his return. When I found out I asked him to please stop keeping in contact with her and every time he would say that he would and make me feel like he was really ready to keep things going between us. Well almost five months since he's been home and he still hasn't stopped talking to her. I feel so lost because I love him so much and he really makes me feel like he does sometimes, but if he really loved me he would stop communicating with her, right?

It only hurts when I breath

I knew it was time to file when out of the blue he started working late and became hypersensetive to everything I did and said. That's odd, I thought because he'd never been that way with me before. A few days later he gives me the ol' I love you but I'm not "in love" with you speech. I kept asking "who is she? - tell her you're a married man!". He spilled his guts and told me it was a girl he attended church with and had a crush on her when he was 15-18 years old. He's now 51 and has left me for her. OUCH! Never once did we ever talk about divorce or separation. We had a few disagreements but everyone (including me!) thought we had a loving and affectionate relationship. It's all surreal. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and can't wake up but fact is I just had the misfortune of falling in love with someone who is self seeking and vain. Infidelity hurts...lots of collateral damage.

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