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Readers Respond: How Did You Know It Was Time To Divorce?

Responses: 311


On the Fence About Divorce

I'm on the fence right now as to what to do with my marriage. This year will be 8 years and we have one almost 7 year old son. We've separated twice before and the last time was a year ago for about 4 months. I thought I wanted to make it work, but its gotten worse. He's never home and when he is, he is on the phone or computer. He doesn't have a steady job, but rather works "gigs" that keep him out all night and has a side business and is always going to meetings and staying out late for "training" and leaves me to deal with our son. I try talking to him and letting him know how I feel and he just writes it off and I know he doesn't take me seriously. He rarely, if ever, does any housework or helps out and i have to work, then come home and deal with all that and the cooking. I sometimes drink to cope with the loneliness, but I'm tired of that too. I just want someone that appreciates me. I'm sick of being in a marriage all by myself.
—Guest lisa

Lies and Cheating For 10 Years

I was lied to from the very beginning by my now ex-husband. Not sure how many wives he's truly had, but I now know I was at least #5 or #6, & I know why he's always dumped too. 3 mos into the marriage I found pics of him on our home computer in a hotel room w/another woman. I kept holding on thinking I had enough love for both of us & literally closed my eyes to what he was doing to me. After transferring back to the Midwest, his cheating got worse. He didn't have the sense to at least cheat w/someone who was not connected to me in any way. He slept with a "friend" I was "babysitting" because her husband left her & even worse, he was caught w/her in our own house. The next affair in my home town was w/a recovering drug addict/alcoholic. After all of this, he had 5 STDs, and I now have to live w/an incurable one for the rest of my life, talk about humiliated. I filed for divorce; been final for almost a yr & I am still full of hatred & anger every time I allow myself to think about it.
—Guest Disgusted

Dont Know What to Do!

I've been married for 2 years and I just gave birth to my daughter. My husband has always had 2 different personalities. One minute he's so sweet the next he's got an attitude from hell. He never wants me to talk to my parents or have friends. i don't have access to our financial stuff. I have to ask if i can buy anything. My husband doesn't help me with our daughter. I feel like he doesn't care at all about me or my daughter. What do I do? I've contemplated leaving him but then I go back to my parents. I'm terrified of what to do.

So Very, Very Tired

My husband is a good man. We have been together for 7 years, married for 2. I wish I could say I was still in love him but I'm not. He is intelligent, romantic, sweet, devoted, good looking, faithful man; however he is not responsible at all. He can hold down a job and has a strong work ethic but his priorities are all backwards. Some weeks we go without necessities for his "personal recreation". It has been 8 months since I've gotten clothes worth wearing. All of my old clothes have sewing marks like patchwork across them. Some weeks we go with just barely enough food, enough for lunches for his work and enough for us to have dinner of which I get the smaller portion. It's hard because right now I am immigrating and legally can't work, but I don't want to live another day like this. I cook, I clean, I run errands and I take care of him; but I just can't anymore. He's a good guy and I wish I could make him see that us as a family I sacrifice everything for us & all he's done is nothing
—Guest Saddened Wife

Reason to Divorce

What you say is true & I do agree but when you've tried all that & change only changes until your back lets you know that change will never be. I married a man who was insecure and never trusted me. I gave up my freedom, dreams & happiness to show him that in spite of it all I love you but after 18 years 5 children, 2 that are adults and your still in that same negative space, I deserve to be happy. I left him in 95 before we were married because of his behavior and moved on he promised to be different and I came back since we had children, I did start a sexual relationship with someone during that time & that’s something he just can’t forget, honesty doesn’t always pay. We've been homeless a few times sleeping in our car, on people’s floor, dirty hotels almost lost a child due to an accident & we survive all that & still you return to the year we weren’t together & what I did, I didn’t have to live like that I had family that would’ve taken us he just didn’t want to because of pride, Divorce is the only option.

How Do I Know I Should Divorce?

I don't know, I am terrified though. We have a 9 month old daughter and I'm still in school and working part time. He cheated on me 3 months ago and now I feel like a phony every time I say that I love him. We still live together and I just feel like a fake. I don't want to hurt him but being with him hurts even more. If anyone has any supportive words of wisdom...that would be super cool.
—Guest CaptainMammy

Lazy, Angry Husband Breaking Me!

I have been married for 11 years. My husband can have dual personalities and can be the sweetest guy or very cruel. He is quite lazy, letting his video games, computer, buddies take over. All he cares about is fun. He doesn't care about making our home nice. I do the majority of the work in the home and with the kids and work full-time. I can't talk to him about anything because he gets insanely angry. I am totally drained and tired from doing and worrying about everything alone. He has never broken that "straw" but I am wondering how much more I can take. I am miserable. =(
—Guest Guest

I Can't Stand The Scoundrel

We married six years ago-he'd never been married and had no kids. I had two almost grown sons. He immediately became jealous of my sons and so stupidly I listened to him and made them find somewhere else to live. He has never had a job during the six years - always gonna get something going but never does. He's a stone cold alcoholic-very verbally abusive and always threatening to call my job and tell them lies about me. I just want to leave. I'm moving out as soon as I can and he will just have to start taking care of himself. All he every wanted was a mommy to take care of him anyway.
—Guest Jen

Help, I Don't Want a Divorce!

I am 21 years old. I married when I was 18 and he and I are the same age. Since the beginning it was perfect, we were high school sweet hearts. When we graduated he told me he was to join the marines. I accepted him with his choice of lifestyle. We’ve been married for 4 years and he has already been to Iraq and came back healthy. We don’t have any children luckily. During our marriage we’ve had our fights small and big but it just seems that 2010 was just one of those years and towards the end it led to our separation which has lasted for 3 months already. I love my husband with all my heart and he still tells me that he loves me too but that he has no more hope and that the divorce might be better for our own good even if it hurts to face it. I still have a fight left in me even if he doesn’t but I just don’t know how to make it work. I feel like I’ve tried a lot but that it has only made things worse. I know I have hurt him in the past and I have already apologized to him. I don’t want a divorce! HELP ME!!!

Stuck & Frustrated

I don't know what is wrong with me. My husband is way older than me, by 20 yrs. It started out great, until the real monster came out. He became verbally, emotionally, physically abusive. He went to jail once because of it. The problem is, I'm still with him!! What the hell is wrong with me! It's like I'm stuck in this hell & can't get out. Am I afraid to be alone or am I afraid of another failed marriage. I wish I could break out of this, but I can't figure out how. I'm living off of my income only, so there isn't a lot of money for attorneys. I just don't know where to go for help.
—Guest stuck & frustrated

Heartsick and Saddened

As soon as he started to control my friendships, exposure to my parents and finances, I knew it was time. I would question why he didn’t want me to see my friends. His response was that they’re a bunch of alcoholics that get blitzed every Friday. Nothing could be further from the truth. At first I wanted to have him meet my friends, and then as he became more belligerent, I refused the embarrassment of the encounter. He’s taken to calling me the C-word and the Wh-word, and so many other names that I’ve given up keeping track. He’s threatened to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. Mind you, I know for a fact that he will never do that, but the threat was out there. He even said he was going to come to where I work and tell my boss to fire me because he thinks I’m incompetent and incapable of being a supervisor. He tells everyone that I’m irresponsible. I told him if he did that, I would slap a restraining order on him so fast that his head would spin.
—Guest Alluriana

I Have no One to Blame But Myself!

I’m not sure if it’s me or him. But then when I think about our relationship I realize its 90% him! Ok, he is a nice man, loving and caring. But what he isn’t is financially stable. He is a procrastinator, white lies, doesn’t keep jobs, doesn’t know how to save. I got into to debt because he couldn’t provide. I paid for most of our wedding, my wedding ring and honeymoon. He has two kids from two different moms and has back pay child support of 100,000! Don’t even ask why I married him. That question pisses me off. I'm mad at myself because I knew what I was getting myself into and I was so hopeful and blind to think it was going to work. Another thing, I do love him but I don’t think I was ever in love. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt him. But I’m so over putting up with his burden. I want to find a husband with no children, financially stable, faithful, romantic ( cuz my husband isn’t!), fun, loveable and thoughtful. Oh, and handsome! I know men aren’t perfect but geeeeeeez!!
—Guest to BE free

Has Two Personalities

I’ve been married for 26 years to an extremely complex man. He grew up in an alcoholic home, & was never close to his father. His mother who was an untreated co-dependent only made it worse. He has had a few extramarital affairs (first one was when our son was 3 and daughter 2), caught him with a 23 year old (he was 34 yrs. old.) I wanted to leave then but decided to stay for "the sake of the kids"....took me YEARS to trust him and then he goes ahead and has an emotional affair over 18 months with his ex-high school sweetheart. I found her text(s) on his cell phone. I called HER husband & that ended that. Never could get the trust back. I just graduated from school (as part of my exit plan), and have discovered he is in ANOTHER affair with one of our employees (she 20 years younger than him) divorced with 2 kids. He denies there is anything there, but found out she cashed 5,000 in checks he made out to her (she got a boob job)! The Public side is charming & kind. Private side lies & cheats.

Wife Went to Far

After the death of my mother law my wife fell into a deep crisis and an older colleague came into our lives as someone giving advice :-) I knew it was time to go when my wife started to insist on going every weekend to stay with a colleague for at least one day with an over night stay (it is a few hours drive away), a much older man (14 years) and a grandfather. I don't understand the attraction to this person - but I don't have to accept everything. The kids will suffer which is something I don't want but I also have a right to happiness in life.
—Guest A loyal Husband

Good Husband But He is too Old

I have been married for 10 years. He is over 12 years older than me and ready to retire. I still want so much out of life. I have a 16 year old son who he has raised as his. I have never felt in love with him, I was getting cold feet the morning I married him but found it as my only option to survive. He loves me and I love him but it is not the love I need to be intimate with him. If I stay with him it would be because he is a great financial provider and I can have anything I want and more. I refuse to do that out of convenience. I am only 41.
—Guest Laura

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