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Readers Respond: How Did You Know It Was Time To Divorce?

Responses: 311

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I Left Controlling Husband After 8 Years

I was married for almost 8 years. September 2009 I found out that my husband was having an affair that lasted about 5 months. I had no say in our marriage and moved with him years ago to Maryland being 21 and naive. He threatened to take our son when I wanted to leave him. He had the power and ability to make me afraid of him without even touching me. I had a lot of sleepless nights because of the fear of what he was doing. He would hack my email accounts and change the passwords as a way to punish me when he didn't approve of something that I did. I'm still suffering from the mental abuse that I suffered all that time. I still cry just from the loss of a marriage that never existed but I know that getting the hell away from him was the best thing that I could have done. It's still hard because he was the one that made all the money so now I am currently living in Missouri with my brother and his girlfriend. My life can't do anything but go up from here.
—Guest Jennifer

My Husband Was a Serial Adulterer

I found out my husband was cheating when his mistress call me. She had found out accidentally that he was really married and not divorced like he'd told her. Then, looking around for some corroboration of her story, I found his stash of video tapes he'd been making of himself with prostitutes and women he picked up in bars for the entire length of our 19 year marriage. I kicked him out that day. What a jerk he was!
—Guest Alix

Jealous Of My Step-daughter

My husband and I have been married 12 years today. His daughter from his first marriage lived with us until 3 1/2 years ago, she is now 15 and they text back and forth all the time. He often lies about things they talk about to keep me out of the loop with her. She told him and her mom that she was leaving because she didn't like the rules at our house. After she left he has had two affairs, started smoking, insisted we buy a new truck that we could not afford and now we are more in debt than ever before. I do everything, work, pay the bills, take care of the kids, they are 12 and 9, and take care of the house. He works and watches tv. When the kids want to play basketball or want him to do something he says in a minute, but when his daughter is visiting he always does everything she asks. Today is our 12 year anniversary, we went to dinner and we barely even spoke. He has always made comments about my weigt and he knows it bothers me
—Guest dee

He Chose Not To Change

When he had not recognised what his behaviour was doing, there was hope he could choose to change. When it became clear he preferred to continue in an abusive way knowing what it meant, I knew there was no point in continuing to work on the marriage.
—Guest Sue

Can't Afford to Divorce

Fourteen yrs together, 10 yrs married and the fun filled, free spirited person I was is gone. I suffer from major depression. My husband has a split personality, he keeps me isolated I feel I’m suffocating but I’m always sacrificing my happiness for my children. They love their dad but my daughter is beginning to see through my loneliness and supports me in whatever decision I make, the problem is I am not financially able to take care of them, so I am helpless.
—Guest alicia moracco

You Are Worth More Than a Bad Marriage

No one sees, or even looks at the negative qualities of a STB spouse with clear glasses. We're in love. We're excited, secure, happy, and connected to another human. We make a decision based on those facts, and act accordingly. The same process happens when considering a divorce. We weigh the facts and interpretations of this person with the same scrutiny as we did when we met them, but with much more negative attachments and emotions. When you have lost connection with your spouse, lost trust, tried counseling, given it your best shot (and then some), and the feelings and emotions tell you that you're done: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Your life is too important to waste on negativity, despair, rejection, abuse, manipulation, etc. If you know the writing is on the wall, make a decision to better your life and your children if applicable. It sucks, it's painful, but it teaches you, and if you believe in yourself, and know you are worth more, don't wait!
—Guest Rising higher

Nothing I do Pleases Her!

I've been married to my wife for 11 years. There have been good times, but they have been very few in the last 4 years. I work from home, and look after our son most of the time. She constantly nags me about fixing things around home, which I do when I have time. I get in trouble because I didn't fix one thing because I was fixing another thing. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I no longer buy presents for her birthday/mothers day because no matter what I buy she complains about it. It seems nothing I do makes her happy. And then there are the compromises I've made. I moved countries when I didn't want to, at her request. I wanted a daughter, but after she had our son, she stated she didn't want another child. Now she has forced me to support her in buying a new house. If I didn't she would have bought it without me (using my step-sons name). I have no say in the direction of my life anymore. I've stopped trying to have sex with her, because she always turns me down
—Guest Merinsan

Financial Difficulties Causing Divorce

I've been married for 8 years, yet I feel so alone. My husband was an alcoholic for the first 4 years of our marriage. He wasn't like this before we got married. He only drank on weekends but progressively got worse. During those 4 years, he lied to me constantly, mentally abused me, cut me down, called me names, blew all his money on what he wanted while I paid all the bills. He never asked me before doing anything. He never helped me out with our son or the house. I stayed because he was different when he was sober. He was a kind, gentle man. Two different people. I was so confused, and my heart was breaking. He also did really irresponsible acts like drive drunk with my son in the car. Finally, I had enough and left. He stopped drinking that day it's been almost 4 yrs. Things were descent for 2 yrs. We were both bringing in good money, and we did stuff together. Now it's bad again. I lost my job, he hasn't had a job in 2yrs. We lost our house, cars, etc. I feel alone & want out.
—Guest Deeinfl

Husband Has Secret Bank Account

I just found out that my husband has a separate bank acct with his mother's address. He left the statement in our kitchen. He is a compulsive liar & has been during our 19 yr marriage. I also saw 2 phone #s on his cell phone for re-mortgaging our house. He has not discussed this with me. I told him he needs to move to his mom's. We have 2 children & they have repeatedly told us that they would rather we separate than continue arguing all the time. He also does not bathe daily & I have to constantly tell he to bathe or he sleeps downstairs. He says he loves me & will never sign divorce papers. He also says he will never remarry. Being that he is a compulsive liar, I have to assume that these are lies as well.
—Guest songbird

I Settled, Now I'm Divorcing

I married a man 9 years younger than me, first mistake. I married a man who was an occasional weed smoker, second mistake. I married a man who already had a relationship..with his mom, mistake number three. I married a man who promised he'd go to school, we'd move to a better state, he'd get a better job... None of these things ever happened and of course they weren't going to. Never date or marry potentials, a baby has potentials but they're long to develop. If you want a stable, mature, emotionally available, drug free , compassionate, romantic, good partner ... then just wait until you find him before moving forward. NO human being is perfect so we should not expect perfection, but seek for those qualities that really matter to you in life and settle for no less.
—freedomchik

Marriage Won't Change Bad Behavior

I knew it was time when he didn't change after marriage. We've been together 12 years, and married almost four years. We had 4 kids out of wedlock, and one since we married. Before marriage in the beginning he was a gentleman. He cared deeply for me. He changed after my family started to get in too deep, causing him problems. He got worse after he attended an HVAC school and met thugs there. He never came home for holidays or birthdays. Stayed out all night, cheated multiple times, and even had a kid with a friend's cousin, and turned his back on us. He was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. He was selfish too. He is a cruel man with a cruel heart. He says that he does not love me and hopes that I find someone else. I feed into his ignorance by agreeing, but I really do want out of this horrifying marriage! I gave him my all and he turns it away. I am 31 and in college now, and he doesn't support that. He just wants me to get money to make it easier on him.
—Guest So Fed Up!

Second Marriage With Bad Problems

I have been married to my 2nd husband now for almost 3 yrs, been together for 4 yrs. It started out crazy and it’s remained crazy. He’s 22 years older than me, we battled a drug habit together, homelessness, injuries, everything. But lately I am very depressed. I take meds and maybe they are no longer working but I think it has a lot to do with how we are living. It’s been 5 months since we've had sex or even been naked together. I already have low self esteem but when he'd rather buy a bag of weed instead of go to the doctor to find out why he can't get "it" up in the bedroom I feel as if I am not sexy but yet I get hit on ALL the time. Plus we just don't talk anymore like we used to. We share nothing in common it seems anymore, he doesn’t care about anything I am interested in so I have stopped trying to show interest in what he’s into. I am not sure how much longer this can last but I feel like I share a bed with a roommate. Plus I make 90% of the money and I’[m tired of having NOTHING at the end of the month!
—Guest Deaners

Abuse Killed my First Marriage

My first marriage ended after a lot of stress, abuse both mentally and physically. I loved him and wanted it to work but one night I begged him not to leave with this "girl" he was "friends" with (later she became his 2nd wife). That night I tried to commit suicide and ended up with 14-16 stitches in my wrist. He came home that morning and snuggled me like I asked. When I awoke he was on the couch and that’s when my heart dropped. I knew it was over, I moved out that day with help from family and spent the next 3 months dealing with him begging me to come back all the while he was with this "girl." I got sick of it and finished the paperwork. Although I loved him like crazy I knew that the longer I spent with him the longer I was heading toward a death sentence by suicide or a beating from him. I just couldn't take it anymore. I dropped him and got cleaned up and stayed away from all the drama, even though I was lonely and missed love it was nice to have money and be without bruises.
—Guest Deana H.

No Longer Love my Older Husband

I have been marriage for 71/2 years. I'm 34 and he is 45 year old. We have two kids together, and he has a 15 year old from previous marriage. We live far from family and he doesn't help me with the kids. We don't have fun w each other. He calls me names, ignores my needs, and doesn't show me any love and respect. I have prayed and went for counseling, but our age differences and cultural differences are a huge problem. I'm falling out of love with him and want a fresh start. What do you do when you have done all u can?
—Guest almasi

He IS NOT a Good Man!

I still love him. He is kind and caring, has always been faithful and has a heart of gold. I was only 21 when we got together, 22 when we moved in together. He had a 4 year old son from a previous relationship. After about a year I found out he had a daughter too (from a one night stand right before we met). Now, 4 years later I think I want to leave. He has not had a steady job for more than few months at a time throughout our whole relationship. Last year I supported him and his son (who we have 4 days a week every week) for 6 months while he was not working, and he barely looked for a job. He is almost $20 000 behind in child support payments, and has another $15,000 in debt. Because of this maintenance took away his driver's license so now I am responsible for all driving (including all pick up and drop off so he can have his son). I want my own kids one day, and am worried about the kind of future I can have with him now.
—Guest J

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