Readers Respond: How Complicated Was the Divorce Process for You?

If you need real life support for a question or problem, please post to theDivorce Support Forum for feedback from others..

Divorced or Not, That is the Question

My "husband" recently passed away and my greedy stepson is telling everyone that we were not married. As far as I know, we came very close to divorce in 1990, but did not sign final decree papers. We thought we were married all these years; filed taxes as married, bought vehicles together, etc. I recently searched courthouse records on the internet and sure enough, there was a record of our divorce with a certificate number and everything. I was never mailed a copy of a final decree. Doesn't the fact that we were together for 21 years after our "divorce" count for anything?

—Guest Jane

Need Divorce Advice

My divorce has only been going on for two months so far. I was ignored for five years of my eleven year marriage which led me to turn to another man and I had an affair. I have hurt everyone in my family deeply. Especially my two little girls who are 4 and 8. My husband has a new girl friend already and I am seeing someone as well who is an awesome guy. I haven't introduced him to the kids and do not plan on doing so as of now. My husband is very angry with me still and wants to get me anyway he can. We just got finished with temporary orders for custody and child support. I am wondering do they usually change that in most divorce cases cause my husband says they will cause he has evidence that I have a boyfriend. I wonder what the judge will do if we go to trial? Can a judge force you to mediation? I am all for that. He says no and refuses to do it. He says if they ask him to do it that he's saying no. So lost don't know what to do. Help! Note from the Divorce Support Guide...He can't say no to mediation if the judge orders that. And, it doesn't matter if you or he have a boyfriend or girlfriend. As long as the children are not exposed to anything harmful a judge will not care. He is just angry and trying to threaten and scare you.

—Guest sad

Can't Afford an Attorney

My relationship of 12+ years is sadly ending due to infidelity of my spouse, death of our child, and selfishness. The most difficult part is that after all the pain he has caused he has the nerve to not believe in divorce, and has contested the divorce from the very beginning. I am a christian so I will not be starting a new relationship with this unfinished business and he's know this and chooses to use it to his benefit. I filed all of the necessary paper work took the parenting class, but still no divorce because he contests the divorce. The attorney that I did talk to wants 2 grand just to get started when I have already done most of the leg work. I don't know what to do at this point! I feel so alone so miserable so frustrated! I support 3 kids so I can't afford thousands of dollars on an attorney. Lord help me!!!!!!!!!!!!

—Guest Miserably married

In the Process of Divorce

Got served with papers in February and I never responded due to lack of funds. I'm not sure what the next step is going to be but I have been left with all of the responsibilities with our 3 kids bills, rent and all that comes along with it. I am currently unemployed and collecting unemployment, my soon to be ex doesn't really help much. I feel hopeless, lost and alone. It's been over a year now since we've been separated and he has moved on with his life, but I feel like I have been stuck in quick sand because of all the responsibilities that I've had to deal with. Any suggestions please...thank you.

—Curls2112

Difficult Divorce 16 years later

It has been 16 years since the Decree and MSA was Ordered. Our daughter is now 18 and he is under the belief he's done. How I wish it were so, but, he's still bound by the MSA to either pay off the family home or make monthly payments, as he has done on average of being late 40% of the time. I am asking the Court to accelerated these payments so I don't have another 14 years of duking it out with him. If I have to, as I have done this past year, I'll be in court every month he violates the Order.

—DonnaDibianco

Stressful for the Children

I was divorced 6 years ago and I am living now with my daughter. Divorce for me was stressful. Processing divorce is expected, what causes me so much stress is how could I make my child understand when she grows up that we, her parents aren't living together just like the other normal family. I don't know how to answer her questions when she's fully aware about our family status...Now, that she's grown up I'm not sure if she fully understand and is not affected emotionally. Children wish to have a complete family, they can possibly get envious of those children who do have a complete and happy family.

—Guest SimpleDivorceAdvice

ITS A NON-DISCUSSED TABOO HERE

Divorce isn't very common here in my country, Nigeria.It exists, but it seems no one talks about it, no has seen it and everyone just seem to ignore the topic. Those who are involved don't even tell people they are divorced. I am currently contemplating separation or divorce right now, but my wife isn't ready to comply at all.I am hoping and praying that she does. I am going about it quietly at the moment without generating a ruckus, its unfortunate for me that Nigerians frown at divorce. About the lawyers, I can't blame them, it's what they do earn a living and take care of their family,so to them, we are like Jesus and they are Judas, they see only the 30 pieces of silver, just in our case, dollars and naira.

—newcreationxavier

Slow process

Lawyers are too slow. Especially in NY. Me and the soon to be ex agreed on everything so it should be easy. But it's the attorneys that try to make big deals cause they want money. Waiting for signatures; paperwork going between each attorneys. It really stinks. I'm trying to move on with my life but feel I can't because I have this big cloud following me... Divorce..

—Guest AnonomousinnY

Finding a new attorney!!!!!!

When I received my divorce papers in the mail. I was very shocked and hurt that we were getting divorced. My husband and I met at work in 2008 and we got married on April 24, 2008. We loved each other deeply. A few weeks ago, My lawyer withdrawled from my case and I am working on a paper for Indiana Legal Services. My lawyer was a good lawyer. He was there for me the whole time. i enjoyed being his client.

—Guest Becky

Focus on the Children

I found that Judges don't really care about what stbx spouses say about each other. However, when you put things in terms of what's best for the Kids, they listen. As the Kids are really the innocent victims of marriage failure, the focus should be on them regardless of stbx's efforts to make things personal. The married relationship is done, why spend any time on he said, she said? By eventually focusing on our Children's welfare, we were able to come up with an agreement that is really best for everyone, though somewhat painful for the parents in the short run(it was our failure:). The more you look at things from Kid's point of view, the better off everyone will be.

—Guest John

Still in process

How to get through your soon to be ex's attorney defaming your character? There was no truth in the papers she sent to my attorney or spoke in front of the judge. How do they get away with this? I thankfully can prove that all allegations are false. But why does she want to set up a hostle environment?

—Guest Lin

Don't Settle for Less

First and most important...find a really good lawyer. It's so hard to find one that's not out for the money. Second, don't settle. If you have even an ouce of suspicion that something is being hidden, investigate it. Even if it turns out to be nothing, at least you know. I settled my case only to try to start closure and a new life. I still believe that my ex hid money and spent more on his credit cards for things that were not needed just to show he had debt (that we ended up splitting). So if you have any kind of doubt, I recommend you go for the full disclosure of all documents. I believe it's worth every last penny you spend because it can get expensive.

—Guest Feeling Deprived

Child custody was toughest

The divorce involved her control of our then-14-year-old son. Part of the divorce included a shrink for him. The shrink says he's "enmeshed" with her. She maintains a white-knuckle grip on his behavior, even though he's 17. She took him on vacation during my custodial weekend. After $3000 of attorney consultation, I got zippo in relief. It seems California courts aren't interested in the child's emotional well being: if my ex is not currently a convicted felon, she's a better parent than I am. The divorce was expensive, and resolved only the property. Child custody has been an ongoing issue. One left-over for me is that I'm not sure I can commit to anyone else because the possibly negative shake-out of a second relationship seems too onerous to let me commit. Oh, I've tried but I wouldn't recommend me to another woman; emotionally damaged goods might not make a good spouse again. I'm trying to come to grips with remaining alone. Ask again in a couple of years, OK?

—riesdad

Get a good lawyer

My ex stunned me by telling me he had filed for a divorce. It had never been discussed in our marriage of 30 years. Yes, he had a girl friend. My first letter from my attorney to him said let's be completely fair and I'll walk away. I had been a stay at home mom for 25 years and had no income. My now ex made great money. He didn't want to share it. It took a year and a half and over $100,000.00 in legal fees from both of us to come to an agreement. That went right up to trial. I gave up a lot to get it over with. Was it right? I don't know. I couldn't take it anymore. His lies had beaten me down. My best advise to anyone going through this is to find a great therapist/mediator and listen to them. The attorney's just want the money. I went to the best mediator is my state and put my counter offer to his on what she said. I also asked my attorney if he agreed. He did. They tend to run up the bill so be very careful.

—SLD1

Nothing is easy

My divorce was uncontested and I had prepaid legal so it was quite smooth, as far as possible. Prepaid legal does not cover difficult cases; just uncontested divorce, but it is well worth having. But, my son is in the middle of a very messy divorce and the biggest problem is child custody since his STBX has borderline personality disorder and is neglectful of the children - but hard to prove! Mental heath issues not only make it hard emotionally (especially with kids) but also very expensive!!!

—Guest Debbie