In the The Good Karma Divorce, Judge Michele Lowrance, a domestic relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois, wrote "The court system was not built to house emotions, and attorneys are not trained to reduce emotional suffering. Divorcing people expect relief far beyond what the legal realm can provide from their attorneys and the courts, and they often end up feeling like members of a powerless, unprotected class."
I fully agree with Judge Lowrance. Divorce attorneys are trained to solve problems for their clients. That is all well and fine except for the fact that their client is not the only person affected by the divorce.
Divorce is the dismantling of a family. Mother, father and children and that dismantling process is extremely painful and stressful. In such a situation it only makes sense that the focus should be on resolving conflict in a way that doesn't inflict more pain. Divorce attorneys are notorious for creating conflict in order to "win" the case for their client.
What ends up happening is, the client, the ex and the children all suffer more deeply and emotionally and the divorce attorney benefits financially.
Therapists are trained to solve problems in a way that is in the best interest of all involved. An understanding of the psychological aspects of divorce could go a long way in resolving not only the legal but the emotional aspects of divorce.
Law schools focus on the legal aspects of divorce alone. And don't seem interested in encouraging students to show empathy or even a small amount of concern for the entire family maybe the ABA should consider the benefits of having divorce attorneys and therapists build practices together.
Or, better yet, instead of waiting around for the ABA to become proactive in making the divorce process less emotionally painful you could choose to go the route of a Collaborative Divorce.
I receive heart breaking emails regularly from women who's husbands file for divorce out of the blue. Women who were happy in their marriage and assumed their husband was happy. The most devastating thing we can do to a marital relationship is assume there are no problems based on our feelings alone.
It is easy to become complacent or assume that all is well in a marriage when in reality your husband is hiding his true feelings. Before you know it you find yourself in a situation where he has one foot out the door and you are scrambling to fix problems that may not have solutions.
To keep your marriage out of divorce court it is important that you stay aware of not only your feelings about the marriage but your husband's feelings also. Nothing, especially when it comes to marriage should be taken for granted. You should "check in" periodically, take an inventory of sorts just to be sure you and your husband are on the same page.
The National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green University released a study earlier this year documenting the increasing rate of divorce among couples age 50 and older. Between 1990 and 2009 the rate of divorce for couples over age 50 more than doubled, and in 2009 this age group accounted for roughly 1 out of every 4 divorces nationwide.
Below are a few factors that may contribute to Boomers divorcing at such a high rate.
- Folks are living longer which means if they divorce in their fifties there is the likelihood of a few more decades to rebuilt after the divorce and start a new life.
- Some wait until the children are grown and living on their own before leaving a marriage that has been unhappy for a long time.
- Us boomers came up during the sexual revolution and the beginning of "no-fault" divorce laws. We are more comfortable than any other generation with the idea of divorce so it makes sense that we are divorcing more often.
Under a new law signed on April 12th by Gov. Tom Corbett, a service member who is being deployed abroad may petition the court for a temporary order to assign child custody rights to his or family members. The law says that formal or informal custody agreements can't be changed or ignored if a service member who is deployed has family who wish to take over his/her custody rights during deployment.
The law does not give a family member formal custody, just the same rights of visitation that was agreed upon before the service member was deployed. Senator Lisa Baker introduced the bill that became law because grandparents were being denied time with grandchildren during the parent's deployment.
Kudos to Pennsylvania! When you consider the benefit to children of spending time with extended family, benefits such as a better sense of who they are and where they come from. Not to mention a sense of continuity in the absence of a parent Pennsylvania has taken a step that is truly in the "best interest of the child."
