Who Is Really To Blame?
"Americans would be very shocked if they knew what was going on in this country under the name of divorce – no fault divorce. What we call divorce has become essentially a euphemism for government officials, courts, primarily social service agencies, to invade families. To invade families, to separate children from parents who have done nothing wrong, to plunder the parents for everything they have in many cases and even to criminalize the parents – to jail them without trial and to turn them into criminals in ways that the parents are powerless to avoid. Overwhelmingly the victims of this are fathers, though at some times it happens to mothers as well. It's usually, not a matter of gender bias, it's a matter of power and of money, of the huge machine that has grown up in the last four decades around the question of no-fault divorce and child custody and related issues."
I'll be the first to agree that there is very little justice in the "justice system" when it comes to divorce...not for either side. I don't, however agree with continually blaming the system for the problems that stem from divorce. What I want to know is when us, the one's involved in divorce are going to start taking responsibility for the injustices?
Divorce officials, courts and social services agencies would not become as involved if we did not open the door and invite them in by our own behavior. It is easier to point fingers and blame your attorney or the judge though. It is hard as hell to say, "I was unwilling to compromise." It is so hard for some people that they will fight for years and spend outrageous amounts of money to keep from compromising. It is people like this who have no one to blame but themselves...not divorce officials, courts or social service agencies.
If you want to keep from becoming a "victim" of the divorce machine research collaborative divorce. Learn how to deal with your anger, and new skills for resolving conflict.
You will find that it will save you a lot of money, time and heartache.
I agree that the system could be better: it sucks. But I didn’t ask anyone to intercede in my divorce- I simply couldn’t keep them out. Unfortunately, I don’t see myself as *able* to effect any changes in the huge, mysteriously-ineffective and unfair system: it’s just there. That’s why you need an attorney.
Sure, I would vote for someone whose plank said “Reform the divorce system” but that’s not currently an option.
The injustices that exist don’t seem to stem from any single divorce but from many. And since I didn’t write the law, I don’t agree that I should blame myself. Should I have read divorce law 30 years ago and said, “Hey, this part’s not fair. I’ll write my congressman?” Yep. But I suspect no one has had that much foresight.
Could I have resolved the marriage’s problems? I know I tried. But it is my ex who’s inflexible and who chose the “my way or the highway” approach to resolving marital problems.
The nature of modern divorce involves a severe reduction in the living standard of both sides. You stated that you don’t agree with blaming the system for, “… the problems that stem from divorce.” I don’t know how to agree with this because I believe some of the problems in the marriage existed before the divorce, but other problems only came into existence during the divorce process.
And let me preface this last part: “Sorry, but compromise isn’t always the solution.” If I pointed a gun at you and demanded all your money, would it be ethical to reply “Well, how about a compromise- I’ll give you half?” In this particular situation, I have no right to any of your money. So your attempt to compromise is wrong.
Similarly, making an exorbitant demand with regard to child custody or support does not necessarily mean “compromise is a good idea.” During the marriage, when problems come up, is compromise the only solution? I gotta admit, it’s not a bad way to get around some problems. But others (as my example above) do not merit compromise. Some problems arise from the actions and behavior of the spouse which you can not resolve with compromise.
With that said, it seems to me that the family court’s idea of compromise is a crock- just because one party asks for something doesn’t mean giving a teeny bit is ethical or equitable. But that’s another rant.
If you could point out a group whose goal is to reform family law, I’d be interested in learning more.
Should people compromise in divorce? If it’s reasonable, YES, OF COURSE THEY SHOULD!!!!!!!!!
But, what if only one of the two parties is willing to be reasonable and compromise?
Then what?
It only takes one of the two parties to “open the door and invite them in”.
It’s rather naive and simplistic to take the position that everyone who’s ever been through the system and had a bad experience has brought it on themselves by their own behavior. Perhaps this type of thinking would have some merit if both parties had a choice when it comes to getting involved in the system in the first place.
Let’s take a simple example. Both parents want full custody. One parent is willing to compromise and settle for joint custody, but the other parent wants full custody and is unwilling to compromise in any way shape or form. The parent who is willing to settle for joint custody loves his/her children dearly, and can’t bear the thought of being effectively removed from his/her children’s lives.
Why should the parent who is willing to settle for joint custody say “I was unwilling to compromise” and blame themselves? If this person tries to get more parenting time because he/she desperately wants to be a real parent who’s involved in his/her children’s life, is this person fighting for years and spending outrageous amounts of money because he/she is unwilling to compromise?
Using a variation of the prior poster’s hypothetical, if someone pointed a gun at you and demanded your children, would you fight?
Of course not! Logical, morally superior people like you would hand your children over and “compromise”. After all, if you were to fight, you would be to blame for everything, right?
Easy for everyone to say. I actually have one of those husbands that wanted their freedom. He wanted to take no responsibility for his children. God knows he didn’t want another woman to see the way he acted towards his children. I had no choice but to take on sole custody. I was actually one of the parents who fought for joint, but he insisted he wanted out, completely out. Now that he’s out, he wants back in. What, I’m just suppose to let my kids go back and forth until he decides he has a new girlfriend and it’s no longer convenient to have children???