Is Your Ex Pushing Your Buttons?
I heard from a young woman recently whose ex had an affair and left her alone to raise two children. He moved in with the other woman and her children.
During the marriage, he had no issues with the way his wife raised their children. According to her, he appeared to be satisfied with her ability to care for her children and provide for their needs.
Since the divorce, he has become a constant critic. NOTHING she does is right. The children aren’t getting enough sleep according to her ex. They aren’t fed properly according to her ex. She is not clothing them properly according to her ex. On top of his criticism, she has to hear the new girlfriends opinions about what makes a perfect mother and it would seem the new girlfriend is a perfect mother and eager to give this single mother advice.
I call this pushing buttons. It isn’t so much about the father truly feeling his children aren’t being cared for but his need to get an angry reaction out of her. People who cheat, man or woman and break-up a family find it much easier to live with their actions if they left an angry spouse.
They push buttons in order to get you to react in a way that will help them feel better about themselves. They push buttons to keep from having to look at their own lives and actions and hold themselves responsible for their own life and experiences.
Knowing the reason an ex-spouse continually tries to push your buttons can help you make a decision about how you will respond to the button pushing. You have a choice, you can respond in anger, attempt to defend your actions and behaviors or you can let whatever your spouse says roll off your back.
I would suggest that the next time your ex tries to push your buttons you consider the source. Instead of feeling angry and the need to justify your behavior or explain to him/her they are the one responsible you can choose to let it go. Letting it go is easier when you realize that all that button pushing is nothing more than your ex’s inability to face the truth of the situation and deal with the negative emotions that brings up.
So, don’t define yourself by the opinions of a cheating spouse or a controlling abusive spouse. Define yourself by your own actions and as long as you are taking the high road you will be able to come up with a very positive definition of who you are and how you live your life.
Thank you this is very helpfull
What a timely post! I’ve just recently had my buttons pushed by my ex, who wants to pass judgement on me and a woman I have only very recently started dating. This from a person who had a couple of flings before deciding to leave me, and my two young sons (at the time, aged 4 and 2).
I know this is off post as they say, but what about the role of forgiveness in divorce? Can it be done? Should it be done? Is understanding and wisdom all that can be truly achieved? (My theory is, if you’re bitten by a snake you don’t try and make friends with it, you just accommodate it and leave it alone as best you can. Certainly a challenge where children are involved!)
What about an angry ex-wife who was cheated on, but can NEVER get over it despite years and years and years going by, apologies and attempts at making things right?? What about a completely bitter, never sane ex-wife pushing that ex-husband’s buttons, even at times at the expense of her own children?? What about that?