Is Your Partner Passive-Aggressive? Here's How to Handle This Type of Behavior

An expert shares everything you need to know when dealing with a significant other who can't express their feelings during difficult times.

Upset, unhappy and angry man and woman ignoring each other after a fight

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Making each other laugh or having similar interests is well and good, but the most crucial component for a good relationship is, without a doubt, communication. Even though it might not seem as romantic as, say, sharing a love of travel or having a passionate sex life, being able to express your wants, needs, and hurts in a calm manner—and vice versa—is paramount for a lifetime of ups and downs. But, unfortunately, it’s quite common for folks to make their frustrations known in less-than-healthy ways. Silent treatments or door-slamming might not seem like a big deal, but there’s a reason passive-aggressive relationships are unhealthy and can lead to loneliness.

“Being passive aggressive occurs when someone is trying to indirectly express negative feelings as opposed to sharing them openly,” explains trauma-informed therapist Amelia Kelley. “It does not always occur through verbal communication, but can also happen when someone withholds effort, doesn't follow through with tasks, withdrawals from interaction, or purposefully sabotages situations and relationships.” Basically, someone tries to make their frustrations known without using direct confrontation. 

Meet the Expert

  • Amelia Kelley, PhD, MS, LCMHC, ATR, CYT is a trauma-informed therapist, psychology professor at Yorkville University, and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women. She specializes in women’s issues and empowering survivors of abuse and relationship trauma. 

If your partner is passive-aggressive, it’s important to first know that your relationship isn’t necessarily doomed. Dr. Kelley says this avoidance technique is actually quite common in relationships, especially when dysfunction, abuse, or resentment has been built. Additionally, if one person doesn’t feel comfortable advocating for themselves or setting boundaries—or never learned how—using passive aggression often happens. Understanding the motivations behind why your partner is passive-aggressive (and why it makes you feel so lonely) is key to beginning the process of breaking down the toxic cycle.

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Signs Your Partner Might Be Passive-Aggressive

If you’re wondering whether or not your partner is passive-aggressive, you’ll want to start by taking a look at how they express themselves during difficult times or situations. “Our emotions need to go somewhere; they don't simply dissolve without being processed in some form,” explains Dr. Kelley. Here are a few signs she says might indicate that your partner is passive-aggressive:

  • They’re sarcastic in biting/non-humorous ways.
  • They gaslight you.
  • They play the victim. 
  • They ignore you, whether it’s over text, social media, or in person.
  • They act chilly or cold toward you without offering an explanation. 
  • They avoid taking responsibility (or they shift blame) during a conflict.
  • They’re resistant to learning new things from other people.
  • They slam doors, cabinets, or drawers when upset.
  • They sign heavily, roll their eyes, or stomp their feet without explaining or talking about why they’re upset.
  • They have and act on bias or microaggressions.

“Behaviorally, [passive aggression] can also look like a partner who carries resentment and anger towards you but won't tell you why or say that you should already know why you’re upset,” adds Dr. Kelley. If they’re unwilling to have a conversation to fix the situation (even after taking a little bit of breathing room), they’re likely passive-aggressive. 

Why Some Partners Are Passive-Aggressive

As much as passive-aggressive folks deflect and act like others are the problem, Dr. Kelley says the technique is typically more of a reflection of their own insecurity or fear of confrontation and conflict. “Your partner may avoid conflict because they don't want to admit to something they've done wrong or don't want to take a hard look at themselves through an authentic and vulnerable lens,” she explains. “Being willing to be vulnerable is a large part of having authentic conflict resolution, and if someone is unwilling to express how they really feel, it is more likely they will employ passive-aggressive measures.”

That said, there are some instances where passive-aggressive partners are acting in self/relationship preservation or out of fear/hopelessness. “If someone feels that they have consistently not been heard by their partner and are feeling cornered, and don't know how to get unstuck from the conflict or situation, it would not be unlikely that their coping mechanism may become more passive-aggressive in nature,” Dr. Kelley explains. 

She adds that victims of domestic violence and abuse sometimes express their anger or fruition in passive-aggressive ways as well, in an effort to avoid placing a target on their back when things get heated. If your partner was in a prior abusive relationship, responding to conflict passive-aggressively might be the only way they’ve felt safe to express their frustrations in the past. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does give you perspective and a jumping-off point to mend the communication.

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How Passive-Aggressive Partners Create Loneliness During Conflict

A common tactic passive-aggressive people utilize is stonewalling (also known as the silent treatment), Dr. Kelley says, which can create feelings of separation and isolation. Stonewalling in a relationship is when one person becomes inaccessible—whether cognitively or emotionally—by blocking their partner figuratively or literally. If your partner is ignoring you, giving you one-word answers, or completely disengaging, it can make you feel like they don’t respect you. 

“When feelings are left unattended to, it can be very lonely and isolating to feel like even the person who should be closest to you is not willing to take care of the many feelings you are experiencing,” Dr. Kelley says. “Passive aggressiveness can also cause confusion and prevent the two people in a partnership from connecting and addressing the issue at hand. Being able to connect and be present for each other's emotions, even the difficult ones, is where true intimacy is created and the polar opposite to loneliness.”

How to Handle a Passive-Aggressive Partner

First things first, you want to ensure the situation is safe before confronting a passive-aggressive partner. If you ever do feel unsafe, immediately contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free help, support, and assistance. Even if you don’t feel in danger around your partner, Dr. Kelley suggests waiting until the conflict has become less intense and everyone feels a bit calmer before addressing the issue. Once both sides feel more physically regulated and less on the defense, try the following: 

Highlight What’s Happening

Simply addressing that passive aggression is happening is the first step toward getting it to stop. “Point it out to your partner in a calm and assertive tone,” suggests Dr. Kelley. “Using ‘DEAR MAN’ from dialectical behavioral therapy can be helpful as well, where you 'describe', 'express', 'assert', and 'reinforce' what you want and need.” The key here is to use “I” statements to keep your significant other from feeling attacked (more on this below). 

Observe Instead of Blame

No one likes to have their shortcomings pointed out, so Dr. Kelley says the safest and most respectful way to express your frustration with your partner’s passive aggression is to simply describe the facts of the situation without blame. 

“Try observing as opposed to pointedly calling out what the other person is doing,” she suggests. “This will look a little bit more like, ‘I noticed when you said _____, I felt ______,’ as opposed to saying, ‘You always say these things, and they hurt me.’ When we go to dichotomous or black-or-white statements, it can increase defensiveness from the other person, which isn’t helpful in the face of conflict.” Or ever, for that matter. 

Seek Help

If calmly expressing what you notice doesn’t work, there’s never any shame in seeking outside help. Even the strongest of relationships can benefit from couples therapy. Working with a professional can help give you and your partner the tools needed to more proficiently express feelings as they arise, which can make the opportunity for passive-aggression to lesson. 

“It will be much easier to hear each other out if we have not harbored anger over long periods of time and can instead address issues as they arise,” Dr. Kelley says. “This also helps to reduce imaginal thinking about what we think the other person's intentions are, especially because often we cannot read someone else's inner thoughts.”

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